Re: Feedback on my Fiction

#1
Hey everyone! I'm looking for some feedback on my story Reaper's Kiss. Now that I've gotten a few chapters in, I really would like to hear some of your thoughts on my story and what you feel could be improved upon. I don't need you to write a full review or something, I would just like you to send me your thoughts in a private message and that would be perfect. (Link in my signature)

I'm mostly looking for people to answer questions about plot & pacing. But if you have any other things you'd like to add feel free! I'm always open to improving my writing. Obviously don't PM me saying my writing is trash or something without any actual criticism, that's just mean. But you also genuinely don't need to sugarcoat it. 
I know some of you are more harsh with your "reviews", don't stress I will appreciate your candor. I'm not made of glass and I'm basically here asking you to critique me.

With that said, hope to hear from some of you if you've decided to help me improve my story. Thanks a bunch! peohello

(LitRPG and Isekai's are super popular on RR and I'm basically a YA author so my story probably won't be much to your liking, but I would still appreciate your thoughts.)

Re: Feedback on my Fiction

#2
So I have a couple of issues with this:
  • Your opening line is quite weak in my opinion. Beginning with "It's cold" doesn't really do anything interesting in setting up either the story, the fantastical environment, or her character. There's not a whole lot there to tickle the reader's imagination.
  • You essentially spend the next four line repeating the same idea of it's cold, and that your MC cannot sleep because it's cold. It's, uh, not very captivating.
  • You have sloppy dialogue tag application. For example: “Not with the black, no.” I tease him. < this is incorrect. It should be a comma after no, since tease is a speech tag which modifies the dialogue. How you've formatted this is basically how you would do it if that were an action beat, not a speech tag. 
  • There's a lot of repeated words. And I don't mean repeated intentionally, or for emphasis, but pointless repetition. Cold shows up a lot in chapter 1, so does laugh and it seems they're laughing every other sentence or smiling or smiling gently. Like, don't they have any other emotions?
  • You're afraid of using said (or says, since its first person present). This is a grievous mistake, as it should be close to 80% of your tags as a rule of thumb. When unsure, default to said / says. For more on why that is, see my post here: https://www.royalroad.com/forums/thread/109746?page=1#pid934399
  • I think most problematic of all is that your story takes a long time to get to its point / hook. It takes about 4 chapters to get from waking up to meeting her father when that's the first thing in her agenda. Once we do actually meet him, things start picking up, but it's really a slow introduction. I would recommend merging the first 3 chapters into 1. 

Re: Feedback on my Fiction

#4

HaltWrite Wrote: So I have a couple of issues with this:
  • Your opening line is quite weak in my opinion. Beginning with "It's cold" doesn't really do anything interesting in setting up either the story, the fantastical environment, or her character. There's not a whole lot there to tickle the reader's imagination.
  • You essentially spend the next four line repeating the same idea of it's cold, and that your MC cannot sleep because it's cold. It's, uh, not very captivating.
  • You have sloppy dialogue tag application. For example: “Not with the black, no.” I tease him. < this is incorrect. It should be a comma after no, since tease is a speech tag which modifies the dialogue. How you've formatted this is basically how you would do it if that were an action beat, not a speech tag. 
  • There's a lot of repeated words. And I don't mean repeated intentionally, or for emphasis, but pointless repetition. Cold shows up a lot in chapter 1, so does laugh and it seems they're laughing every other sentence or smiling or smiling gently. Like, don't they have any other emotions?
  • You're afraid of using said (or says, since its first person present). This is a grievous mistake, as it should be close to 80% of your tags as a rule of thumb. When unsure, default to said / says. For more on why that is, see my post here: https://www.royalroad.com/forums/thread/109746?page=1#pid934399
  • I think most problematic of all is that your story takes a long time to get to its point / hook. It takes about 4 chapters to get from waking up to meeting her father when that's the first thing in her agenda. Once we do actually meet him, things start picking up, but it's really a slow introduction. I would recommend merging the first 3 chapters into 1. 
Thank you so much! Excellent points made. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback. I've gotten multiple people telling me to fix the pacing so clearly there's something wrong with it. And how the story has a weak hook with taking too long to pick up. So I definitely need to improve it. I might go back to the drawing board and take a look at the way I've told the story. Maybe I'll even consider a complete rewrite. 



Quote:You have sloppy dialogue tag application

First time I've heard anyone tell me that. A few hundred people read my fiction and no one mentioned it? That's embarrassing Lol. Thank you! I'll go fix it DrakanFix