Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#1
I woke up this morning to a new rating , a 1.5 :'( so now i ask can someone help me maybe read some of the I think i got stuck in my favorite rpg and let me know where i could improve i am novice so very novice and need help i am not to proud to admit it but if anyone could take some time to help me just maybe zero in on why suddenly i got a 1.5 from the other 2 ratings being high 5 and 4 :l I personally thought i was not doing to bad but id love to hear some msgs on the thread or in my inbox on others opinions as no one really gives me help or anything if you want to help this guy msg me >_<

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#2
There are dozens of errors (spelling, grammar, and punctuation) just in your story blurb alone, as well as your post in this thread. From a quick peek at your first chapter, it looks to have similar issues. Some readers can overlook stuff like that, but others can't, especially when the problems are so numerous.

In addition to the typographical errors, you switch from a first-person point of view to a third-person point of view within the first few paragraphs. Plus, there seems to be a habit of referring to things that haven't been defined as if the reader is already aware of what they are. And the writing feels a bit "stream of consciousness" rather than being told as a traditional story (not completely stream of consciousness; just a bit of it).

Are you a native English speaker? If not, I'd recommend writing in your native language first, while you continue to improve your English skills.

If you *are* a native English speaker, then here are some steps I'd recommend to improve:

1. Read as many novels as you can that were published by professional publishing houses (because those have been edited, proofread, and vetted for quality). Pay attention to the style and how the story is structured, as well as how individual sentences and paragraphs are structured. Use those ideas as models for your own writing. Avoid reading free web fiction--at this point in your development as a writer, you risk picking up some bad habits from web fiction. You can return to reading web fiction once you've learned enough to identify errors.

2. Look for grammar and punctuation resources online. Read and absorb them until you thoroughly understand the rules. This step is going to be hard, and will likely take some time. Go beyond just grammar guides and look for writing guides and advice as well. There are a lot of resources out there. Most of it is somewhere between decent and good. Some resources are a bit questionable, but if you see the same advice on multiple sites, it's probably valid.

3. Spellchecker.

4. Normally I don't recommend using Grammarly, because for me, it tries to introduce far more errors than it eliminates. However, if there are a bunch of errors already, it might be helpful. The big problem here is that Grammarly should be the last step. You can't depend on it to solve everything for you. You have to do steps 1 and 2 above to give yourself a solid foundation, and then Grammarly may help you catch more specific issues. You'll also want to learn enough so that you'll know when *not* to take Grammarly's advice.

This post isn't meant to discourage you. Every writer is always trying to improve. That's why those resources are out there. It takes time, but it's worth it in the end.

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#4

IvyVeritas Wrote: There are dozens of errors (spelling, grammar, and punctuation) just in your story blurb alone, as well as your post in this thread. From a quick peek at your first chapter, it looks to have similar issues. Some readers can overlook stuff like that, but others can't, especially when the problems are so numerous.

In addition to the typographical errors, you switch from a first-person point of view to a third-person point of view within the first few paragraphs. Plus, there seems to be a habit of referring to things that haven't been defined as if the reader is already aware of what they are. And the writing feels a bit "stream of consciousness" rather than being told as a traditional story (not completely stream of consciousness; just a bit of it).

Are you a native English speaker? If not, I'd recommend writing in your native language first, while you continue to improve your English skills.

If you *are* a native English speaker, then here are some steps I'd recommend to improve:

1. Read as many novels as you can that were published by professional publishing houses (because those have been edited, proofread, and vetted for quality). Pay attention to the style and how the story is structured, as well as how individual sentences and paragraphs are structured. Use those ideas as models for your own writing. Avoid reading free web fiction--at this point in your development as a writer, you risk picking up some bad habits from web fiction. You can return to reading web fiction once you've learned enough to identify errors.

2. Look for grammar and punctuation resources online. Read and absorb them until you thoroughly understand the rules. This step is going to be hard, and will likely take some time. Go beyond just grammar guides and look for writing guides and advice as well. There are a lot of resources out there. Most of it is somewhere between decent and good. Some resources are a bit questionable, but if you see the same advice on multiple sites, it's probably valid.

3. Spellchecker.

4. Normally I don't recommend using Grammarly, because for me, it tries to introduce far more errors than it eliminates. However, if there are a bunch of errors already, it might be helpful. The big problem here is that Grammarly should be the last step. You can't depend on it to solve everything for you. You have to do steps 1 and 2 above to give yourself a solid foundation, and then Grammarly may help you catch more specific issues. You'll also want to learn enough so that you'll know when *not* to take Grammarly's advice.

This post isn't meant to discourage you. Every writer is always trying to improve. That's why those resources are out there. It takes time, but it's worth it in the end.

Okay I shall try and take it one step at a time and focus on perhaps more of a first person kind of view as I see your point, I do speak english/french but I would not consider myself a true frenchy ;p I know i have alot of errors this thread was meant for someone who was more knowledgeable to lend some aid to kind of point me in the right direction i shall edit the story for once like hard and and reread everything and perhaps fix this re occurring issue !

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#5

Quote:The 20 year old man named Dale has a hard life, nothing latetly has been going his way. His online friends try to cheer him up with one last dungeon run on the games final boss dungeon, before the games servers go offline and shutdown for good. After barley completing the Dungeon, everyone decides to part ways and log off saying a farewell goodbye, while Dale sits on looking at the games in game clock watching the timer countdown. With his newly aquired item in his hand waiting for the final countdown, he began reminiscing about the past before falling asleep at his computer to find himself somewhere strange once he wakes up.


Just so you're forewarned, this might feel like harsh critique.

Man: Why are you telling me the MC is a man here? In the same sentence, you say things have not been going 'his' way. I know it's a man because of that. Superfluous information.

latetly: lately. Even my browser spellcheck picks that up, no Grammarly or anything required. Basic spelling error.

games: One game, two games. The features of the game. The game its features. The game's features. This is rather basic


barley: barely

saying a farewell goodbye: A final goodbye, a farewell? A farewell goodbye is new to me.

games in game clock: First: in-game. Second, I know it's the game's clock. It's in-game. Why do you tell me twice?

aquired: acquired

began: sudden jump to past tense. Why?

This isn't yet addressing punctuation, but I don't feel like putting in the extra effort right now. Sorry.

And then the final critique:
Nothing in this blurb/synopsis tells me why I should read it. This is a story premise, not a blurb. There are dozens of stories on this site alone that have the same premise. What makes your story different? Instead of conquering the world, he'll become a landscape architect? I'd read that. He becomes an epic adventurer with his max-level gear and gets all the girls to fall in love with him because he's so strong and kind and saved them? I'll pass, I read that 20 times already. Your blurb doesn't tell me what it's going to be and I'm not interested enough to find out.

edit:
I might read it if others recommend me the story as being interesting and well written even when it's standard isekai harem stuff. Or if I need to switch my brain completely off.

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#6

Oskatat Wrote:
Quote:The 20 year old man named Dale has a hard life, nothing latetly has been going his way. His online friends try to cheer him up with one last dungeon run on the games final boss dungeon, before the games servers go offline and shutdown for good. After barley completing the Dungeon, everyone decides to part ways and log off saying a farewell goodbye, while Dale sits on looking at the games in game clock watching the timer countdown. With his newly aquired item in his hand waiting for the final countdown, he began reminiscing about the past before falling asleep at his computer to find himself somewhere strange once he wakes up.


Just so you're forewarned, this might feel like harsh critique.

Man: Why are you telling me the MC is a man here? In the same sentence, you say things have not been going 'his' way. I know it's a man because of that. Superfluous information.

latetly: lately. Even my browser spellcheck picks that up, no Grammarly or anything required. Basic spelling error.

games: One game, two games. The features of the game. The game its features. The game's features. This is rather basic


barley: barely

saying a farewell goodbye: A final goodbye, a farewell? A farewell goodbye is new to me.

games in game clock: First: in-game. Second, I know it's the game's clock. It's in-game. Why do you tell me twice?

aquired: acquired

began: sudden jump to past tense. Why?

This isn't yet addressing punctuation, but I don't feel like putting in the extra effort right now. Sorry.

And then the final critique:
Nothing in this blurb/synopsis tells me why I should read it. This is a story premise, not a blurb. There are dozens of stories on this site alone that have the same premise. What makes your story different? Instead of conquering the world, he'll become a landscape architect? I'd read that. He becomes an epic adventurer with his max-level gear and gets all the girls to fall in love with him because he's so strong and kind and saved them? I'll pass, I read that 20 times already. Your blurb doesn't tell me what it's going to be and I'm not interested enough to find out.

edit:
I might read it if others recommend me the story as being interesting and well written even when it's standard isekai harem stuff. Or if I need to switch my brain completely off.

well i wanted to try with my first novel being something more basic as i am not like a super talented author as of yet and just wanted it to be like the classic over powered main character isekai tale. 


I have another book thats a little more interesting of an idea thats kind of unique but not its not any better written. When i get good i did want to try and tackle this idea i had of a mix between a kind of star wars pod racer and initial D how its like a street racer take of rally racing in these sc fi high speed races but it would be like with ships that are similar in idea to the star wars pod racing in the phantom menace design. How the racers compete in these really epic races in space and on various planets i even have drawn some art for it. 

However i see your points and ill be editing the story and taking the next few days to try and tackle some errors and just keep what i have written hopefully with the suggestions saved for once i fix the issue with the 3rd person to 1st and some spelling mistakes on simple words. I do want to improve my ultimate goal would be to someday see my work on like funimation or something :p..... I just really enjoy creating stuff like this and want to get better you know and i take no hard feelings i take all criticism as a learning experience unless your flat out being mean:p  

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#7

IvyVeritas Wrote: If you *are* a native English speaker, then here are some steps I'd recommend to improve:

1. Read as many novels as you can that were published by professional publishing houses (because those have been edited, proofread, and vetted for quality). Pay attention to the style and how the story is structured, as well as how individual sentences and paragraphs are structured. Use those ideas as models for your own writing. Avoid reading free web fiction--at this point in your development as a writer, you risk picking up some bad habits from web fiction. You can return to reading web fiction once you've learned enough to identify errors.

2. Look for grammar and punctuation resources online. Read and absorb them until you thoroughly understand the rules. This step is going to be hard, and will likely take some time. Go beyond just grammar guides and look for writing guides and advice as well. There are a lot of resources out there. Most of it is somewhere between decent and good. Some resources are a bit questionable, but if you see the same advice on multiple sites, it's probably valid.

3. Spellchecker.

4. Normally I don't recommend using Grammarly, because for me, it tries to introduce far more errors than it eliminates. However, if there are a bunch of errors already, it might be helpful. The big problem here is that Grammarly should be the last step. You can't depend on it to solve everything for you. You have to do steps 1 and 2 above to give yourself a solid foundation, and then Grammarly may help you catch more specific issues. You'll also want to learn enough so that you'll know when *not* to take Grammarly's advice.

This post isn't meant to discourage you. Every writer is always trying to improve. That's why those resources are out there. It takes time, but it's worth it in the end.

Um... those steps are also viable for non-native speakers though. But I do agree. At the very least, you should get a spell-checker like Grammarly or Prowritingaid. They'd at least help you sort out most of the spelling and punctuation errors. Though you can't really follow their instructions all the way every time. Sometimes you have to follow your heart. As for grammar and punctuation resources, you can also try youtube, believe it or not, there are many videos on grammar there. Also, reading helps. Read books, newspaper, textbook, any reading resources you can find as they'd help you improve too...

Above all, don't worry too much about a 1.5. Just that's not gonna let you get in our writer's club...

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#9

Runeificent Wrote: well i wanted to try with my first novel being something more basic as i am not like a super talented author as of yet and just wanted it to be like the classic over powered main character isekai tale. 


I have another book thats a little more interesting of an idea thats kind of unique but not its not any better written. When i get good i did want to try and tackle this idea i had of a mix between a kind of star wars pod racer and initial D how its like a street racer take of rally racing in these sc fi high speed races but it would be like with ships that are similar in idea to the star wars pod racing in the phantom menace design. How the racers compete in these really epic races in space and on various planets i even have drawn some art for it. 

However i see your points and ill be editing the story and taking the next few days to try and tackle some errors and just keep what i have written hopefully with the suggestions saved for once i fix the issue with the 3rd person to 1st and some spelling mistakes on simple words. I do want to improve my ultimate goal would be to someday see my work on like funimation or something :p..... I just really enjoy creating stuff like this and want to get better you know and i take no hard feelings i take all criticism as a learning experience unless your flat out being mean:p



The pod racing/street racing thing sounds interesting, I'll say that.

I'm all for starting with something easier to write. It's what I did too (and people have asked me why I considered that easier to write, since it isn't really), but you asked what the problem could be. Well, if you're doing the generic OP isekai harem protagonist, it's hard to distinguish yourself and get the readers to give it a try. I'd say you should always try to get something to distinguish yourself with. Some kind of twist, something different from the norm, something that gives people the feeling that it will be at least somewhat different. Otherwise you just get lost in the crowd or you have to distinguish yourself by truly excellent writing. I know I'm not good enough for that. You know yourself best, so you be the judge.

One thing you could try is something like an author's comment under the blurb. Something like "This is my practice novel. I know the theme is rather standard, but if you help me improve, we'll make it an awesome story together!"



PS. What's TFALM? It's in both titles, but I don't think either explains why it's in the title

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#10

Oskatat Wrote:
Runeificent Wrote: well i wanted to try with my first novel being something more basic as i am not like a super talented author as of yet and just wanted it to be like the classic over powered main character isekai tale. 


I have another book thats a little more interesting of an idea thats kind of unique but not its not any better written. When i get good i did want to try and tackle this idea i had of a mix between a kind of star wars pod racer and initial D how its like a street racer take of rally racing in these sc fi high speed races but it would be like with ships that are similar in idea to the star wars pod racing in the phantom menace design. How the racers compete in these really epic races in space and on various planets i even have drawn some art for it. 

However i see your points and ill be editing the story and taking the next few days to try and tackle some errors and just keep what i have written hopefully with the suggestions saved for once i fix the issue with the 3rd person to 1st and some spelling mistakes on simple words. I do want to improve my ultimate goal would be to someday see my work on like funimation or something :p..... I just really enjoy creating stuff like this and want to get better you know and i take no hard feelings i take all criticism as a learning experience unless your flat out being mean:p



The pod racing/street racing thing sounds interesting, I'll say that.

I'm all for starting with something easier to write. It's what I did too (and people have asked me why I considered that easier to write, since it isn't really), but you asked what the problem could be. Well, if you're doing the generic OP isekai harem protagonist, it's hard to distinguish yourself and get the readers to give it a try. I'd say you should always try to get something to distinguish yourself with. Some kind of twist, something different from the norm, something that gives people the feeling that it will be at least somewhat different. Otherwise you just get lost in the crowd or you have to distinguish yourself by truly excellent writing. I know I'm not good enough for that. You know yourself best, so you be the judge.

One thing you could try is something like an author's comment under the blurb. Something like "This is my practice novel. I know the theme is rather standard, but if you help me improve, we'll make it an awesome story together!"



PS. What's TFALM? It's in both titles, but I don't think either explains why it's in the title

TFALM is an abbreviation, i decided to do for a specific kind of story. I wanted a universe to draw inspiration from so i decided to make one called TFALM, the plan is to have all the books with that linked together one way or another through like locations and historical events. Mainly for the people who fallow me maybe its dumb i dont know lol but my idea was to make a few different genres under that title keeping some of the same aspects from each book reinventing them in the next like a grander scale ... Is it dumb lol you can be honest :"p

And the Pod racer idea would be lit i would try to approach it like Initial D selecting a young prodigy who had a father who was a rally racer but lost it all and retired, but i would make a word up for the racers lol but it would be more of a underground vibe with illegal racing, betting, drugs, money and guns lmao IT WOULD BE LIT i have good ideas just need to execute them better and just need some advice i've only ever read like a dozen books and only started writing because of an author i recently started to fallow.

Re: Anyone able to help me with reading/telling me the problem

#11

Tenori Wrote: To me, honestly, I'd say the writing seems just par for the course... I've read enough shitty english lightnovel translations to know "proper english" and anything to do with anime avoid each other like the plague.

Are you saying my writing is par Surprisedo!!! thats like the best compliment i heard all day :p .... but if you mean like its not horrible i thank you and hopefully once i fix this issue with he 3rd person to first person my story will get some fallows and some positive [email protected]!!!