I'd love some feedback, thanks in advance!

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62950/sleeping-eternity/chapter/1082118/chapter-1-the-custodian

New author here as well, reader turned author. I would like feedback on just 2 of my 3 novels. I'm aiming for novels over hundreds of chapters so there's that build-up and arc structure that might not be clear now. I also have some self critique where my dialogue, descriptions and overall structure could use some work (like including characters other than the mc and their thoughts etc.) Thanks in advance.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62280/i-have-a-wheel-in-ancient-times/chapter/1070778/ch-1-reborn

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63110/endless-sea-blessings-from-uncharted-waters/chapter/1083684/enter-young-kano

Hello, I am new to Royal Road and have been itching to write out my own stories. However, some feedback would be nice to see if I can do better as I haven't written anything since I was young. I feel rusty and would like to know where I am at before I continue writing my story. Feedback of any kind would be nice!

The prologue can be found in my signature. It would be greatly appreciated.

So I'm knew to this side of Royalroad. I have been reading on the site for a round a year now. I'm not ready to post my whole story. If I could get feedback on the first chapter without having to post it on the site that would be helpful. Just get back to me about how you want to do this. Thanks.

LaBarnacle Wrote: So I'm knew to this side of Royalroad. I have been reading on the site for a round a year now. I'm not ready to post my whole story. If I could get feedback on the first chapter without having to post it on the site that would be helpful. Just get back to me about how you want to do this. Thanks.

You don't need to post your whole story, you can just do one chapter, get feedback and delete it?

Unless you want you properly publish and need to reserve first publish rights. 

One easy solution is you share a Google doc to the first chapter, but it might be better asking for that kind of feedback on Reddit

So I'll hop on this train. I'm new to this and would much appreciate this first chapter feedback thing we all have going here. In fact, I'm so new I don't even know how to attach my work like I'm seeing everyone do so I'll just leave the link down here. Thank you. Apologies for the stress.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63428/the-last-observer

Hello! I recently saw this post and getting feedback on the start of my new fiction would be phenomenal! My first chapter is technically a prologue, and then the actual first chapter is after it. I'm not sure which is the more appropriate one for you to look at, but I'll drop the prologue if you want to take a look.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63427/the-virtue-of-sin/chapter/1090109/prologue-the-little-imp

Honestly, the hardest thing for me is writing in a consistent perspective, my mind wants to default to the first person for certain segments and the third person for others. 

Oh please do! I'm down to check yours out too! Here's mine its also in my sig o/ thanks and happy reading!

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/50538/symphonic-odyssey/chapter/827368/verse-zero-to-fall-without-the-stars-to-see

Storm-Z1 Wrote:

The Wrote: So I'll hop on this train. I'm new to this and would much appreciate this first chapter feedback thing we all have going here. In fact, I'm so new I don't even know how to attach my work like I'm seeing everyone do so I'll just leave the link down here. Thank you. Apologies for the stress.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63428/the-last-observer

So, good start.

For whatever reason, the edit suggestion is turned off. It should be an option when you publish or edit a chapter. I'd recommend turning it on so people can highlight things easier.

I like being thrown straight into the action. Dialogue flows well too.

There are some places where the phrasing could be more concise, and I've noticed a little bit of repetition in information. You tell us he's 13 when he's fighting for 3/4 minutes and then again that he's 13 and 5ft
You also tell us how much older all the brothers are before giving us their actual age. Think you can cut it down since it doesn't tell us anything new.

I feel like there's also a fair amount of info dump? Or maybe because I'm reading so late into the night.

Family dynamics Soul magic, Silver gold, Skills, it's quite Alot to take in. If you explain not being a normal human, I think I'd move the ranking of soul mages to a different chapter.

Other than that though, good work!

Please don't give feedback unless requested. Having a thread that's safe to post to for all people is predicated on the fact that a thousand other people aren't going to judge you. They're technically asking one person for feedback as is and let's keep that way. 

Hey, if I could get a first chapter read so I know I'm not wasting my time that would be phenomenal. It is open to all. To respect StgBria leave reviews of how bad or good it is on the page. Thanks

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63494/only-for-review/chapter/1091648/the-dream 

PrismaArchives Wrote: I would appreciate a look over:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62756/inscription/chapter/1079949/chapter-1

Thanks in advance!

Middle of the road, so would not keep reading. 

THE GOOD

I quite liked the dialogue at first. It has a very realistic flow and phrasing to it. 
I also liked how you were dealing with magic. It seemed unique, you were essentially expositing information but it was natural and felt like it was pointed towards the plot. 

WHAT WENT WRONG

At the end of the day, all you really had was dialogue and the subject matter tilted into the trite. This really forced me to think about the execution of dialogue, and here's what I came up with: I think you have very natural and well done flow and conversational tone being carried out by very boring characters. It'd be like listening to two highschool kids walking home. It would feel real, but also it would be incredibly boring. 

There wasn't that element that elevated the speech. Some level of surprise that added in nuance and really told us something about the subjects. Even past that, it also dragged a bit which generally means that you are failing to communicate new information. 

OVERALL

It's fine. There's definitely an element of this that works if you could punch it up. The old screenwriting rule is that every line should acocmplish two things (character, plot, setting, etc.) and that would go a long way to sprucing this up. 

Tavras Wrote: Thank you! Here's my first chapter: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63362/a-hymn-for-the-heartless/chapter/1088603/chapter-1-in-the-eyes-of-a-gull

Would not keep reading. 

THE OKAY

There's a thickness to the prose that makes it seem literary at first. Some nice description, some language that goes above the bare minimum.

WHY IT JUST DOESN'T WORK

Despite my first impression, the prose and style of writing makes this almost unreadable. My eyes glossed over reading this for enjoyment and I had to actually buckle down and start analyzing it to see why my brain was rejecting things. So let's get into it: 

I am not who they say I am, nor was I ever. Well, maybe I was, at one point. Most people knew me as the Maryner, a name that never quite felt mine.

Sentence 1: Tells us literally nothing. 
Sentence 2: Not only does the audience still not know what's going on, it contradicts the floaty nonsense we've started with. 
Sentence 3: Good. That's the only thing of substance in this entire opening paragraph. I do think it fails though because the joke is not obvious. I scratched my head a paragraph or two later and said to myself: "Oh, was this a pun?"

I was miles down the mighty river Nymon, down in the delta. Of all  the various small harbours there, Tsol Ryma was one of the least pleasant. I’d rather not have been there, but I had to be. I was there to find a ship to take me upstream, to the capital of NymonOáz.

Sentence 1:  Awkward. It doesn't initially read like you're saying at character IS somewhere. "I was down in the delta, miles down the mighty river Nymon." You're basically splitting the verb and actual phrasing. 
Sentence 2: Literal nonsense in context of the order. It reads like, "I was at this place, oh, and there was this other place. 
Sentence 3: THEN the third sentence comes in let the reader know that the second sentence was actually salient to the idea of the paragraph. 
Sentence 4: Vague and uninteresting. 
Sentence 5: Good. Reptitive in language with Sentence 4 for no reason, but I'm obviously arguing that you should cut sentence 4. 

I stood in the shade of the port house barracks, sobering up quickly. Much too quickly. Its walls were of solid sandstone, slightly slanted, and the windows were tiny, so as to keep the sand out. I kept my eyelids in much the same manner.

Sentence 1: Good on it's own. 
Sentence 2: Fine. 
Sentence 3: A little over-detaily as I'm not sure any of this matters, but it's fine if you aren't overindulgent on the whole. 
Sentence 4: This is the point where I started re-reading and wondered if this was written by an AI. The actual hell does this mean. He kept his eyes. . . tiny???

And then if you look on from there, to the larger structure, you have this paragarph with sets the scene and describes the barracks only for us to enter the second flash back where you then REESTABLISH a different scene. You just established a scene two sentences ago only to note use that establishment at all and dive into another flashback. 

OVERALL

It has the veneer of a well written work, but I would be absolutely floored if someone read this for enjoyment. It has that quality where I'm genuinley wondering if it was written by a human being. Which I know makes me a dick because I'm going to ask that to someone who has genuinley written something, but the overall flow, and logic, and description is that baffling. 

Flossindune Wrote: As a new writer to the site, I would appreciate if you could look over my first chapter as well, please and thank you.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63331/dungeon-inspector/chapter/1087869/chapter-1-inspection

Would keep reading. 

THE GOOD

The meta element worked. I rarely say that because I normally found it grating, but it was clever and I appreciated a lot of what you were throwing out. 

The comedy also worked which is another thing I normally don't think works on this site. Down to an obscure jokes about color lighting. And then that very clever bit about bringing the vampire back from the dungeon as the princess. Thumbs up man, it felt like some actual thought went into the jokes. 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

The one thing that gnawed at me was the set up for the rug pull. Correct structure, but the way it was presented was odd. We're right in the middle of the action, but it's presented like the MC is seeing these things all for the first time? There is no sense of time or how long he's been doing this; we just know it's on going. So when he's looking over the room and we're getting descriptions, it has a weird quality where it feels like he shouldn't be seeing this all for the first time. 

OVERALL

Well done. You took the took things that don't work for web novels normally (that is to say, the thing people mess up in my opinion) and nailed them. As an overall story it isn't masterfully done, but I would recommend it to people looking for something funny and lighthearted based on the first chapter. 

Thank you for your feedback!

Ekological Wrote: I'd love some feedback, thanks in advance!

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62950/sleeping-eternity/chapter/1082118/chapter-1-the-custodian

Ekological Wrote: I'd love some feedback, thanks in advance!

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62950/sleeping-eternity/chapter/1082118/chapter-1-the-custodian

To the 'best of list' you go!

WHAT I LOVED

Most of it to be h
Would keep reading! onesty. It was a fun sci-fi set up. There were some obvious parrellels to real life, but more than that, there was a layer of nuance and thought put into it. The thought process about the ceremony, the little twists and turns of logic and world building that really fleshed the scene out and made the religion, and the ceremony, and the interactoins between these two groups. 

THE ONE THING THAT DIDN'T WORK

I didn't really appreciate the Colonel's character. He was a bit dumb and overly broad. As a reader, I understood the core conflict to be that the "natives" had no concept of land ownership. It wasn't complicated. Yet the Colonel didn't seem to understand that? It seems to me that the person who is put in charge of negotiations should be knowledgable. it brought it down for me a spec. 

OVERALL

I did have to ask myself if I was putting it on the list because the Colonel's part is a major one and essentially the interaction is the point of the chapter. Yet, I can't deny that it made me genuinley excited to read more. And that ending was great. Well done!

LaBarnacle Wrote: So I'm knew to this side of Royalroad. I have been reading on the site for a round a year now. I'm not ready to post my whole story. If I could get feedback on the first chapter without having to post it on the site that would be helpful. Just get back to me about how you want to do this. Thanks.

A google doc like the other guy said is a good way to do it. I don't really care as long it's a link and I don't have to go looking for it. 

RoyaleT Wrote: New author here as well, reader turned author. I would like feedback on just 2 of my 3 novels. I'm aiming for novels over hundreds of chapters so there's that build-up and arc structure that might not be clear now. I also have some self critique where my dialogue, descriptions and overall structure could use some work (like including characters other than the mc and their thoughts etc.) Thanks in advance.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/62280/i-have-a-wheel-in-ancient-times/chapter/1070778/ch-1-reborn

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63110/endless-sea-blessings-from-uncharted-waters/chapter/1083684/enter-young-kano

Pick one. After it's done, you can get back in line with the other one. 

Silvermist Wrote: Hello, I am new to Royal Road and have been itching to write out my own stories. However, some feedback would be nice to see if I can do better as I haven't written anything since I was young. I feel rusty and would like to know where I am at before I continue writing my story. Feedback of any kind would be nice!

The prologue can be found in my signature. It would be greatly appreciated.

Gone? I assume intentionally.

The Wrote: So I'll hop on this train. I'm new to this and would much appreciate this first chapter feedback thing we all have going here. In fact, I'm so new I don't even know how to attach my work like I'm seeing everyone do so I'll just leave the link down here. Thank you. Apologies for the stress.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63428/the-last-observer

Middle of the road so would not keep reading. 

OVERALL

It's hard to break down outside of saying middle of the road. A lot of web novels that have come through here start with these training scenes and I'm not sure if they have ever once landed. In a vacuum, it would seemingly set up some of the necessary elements for a story. There's a direct conflict, a personal struggle, and yet I think that's all besides the point. 

Combat is a mechanism for story telling, not the end all be all. And that's subjectional, there's an entire industry of Japanese comics and cartoons that are 90% action for its own sake. But for me, I don't think it's interesting. 

It reminds me a lot of the Sword of Kaigen, which is a self-published work that feels very web novely, in part because of its focus on chapters like this. For a second, I thought that might have been your direct influence because of your emphasis on Ice. But my point is, even though that has a strong focus on the learing of magic techniques and learning combat in this fashion, that always takes back seat to some A plot, and it certainly didn't open the book with it. 

Especially in a training scenario. All that's to be gained there is self better, so why do I care about that without establishing the character in some other way? It's the thinnest characterization. 

Golden Wrote: Hello! I recently saw this post and getting feedback on the start of my new fiction would be phenomenal! My first chapter is technically a prologue, and then the actual first chapter is after it. I'm not sure which is the more appropriate one for you to look at, but I'll drop the prologue if you want to take a look.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63427/the-virtue-of-sin/chapter/1090109/prologue-the-little-imp

Honestly, the hardest thing for me is writing in a consistent perspective, my mind wants to default to the first person for certain segments and the third person for others.

Would keep reading. 

THE GOOD

The prologue was pretty good. You open with some thick description that sets the mood but move right on to the story and endear us to a character. Well within the first page, I'm engaged. 

Past that, I think it plays out interesting enough. I enjoyed the sleeping. . . thing? 

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought the middle dragged a little bit. Some punch up is probably due there. Cut down the number of words, trim out dedundant information or just make it more efficient. 

I also found the framing a bit odd. If I read this right at the end, the imp is there in the cave to wake up the sleeping thing and have him possess a vessel. He was sent by the master? But the opening doesn't seem to indicate this at all?  Solid structure would be to make sure everything in the first act (yes even within a chapter) has everything we need to understand the whole work (see chapter), even if we lack the proper context. And this felt like a constant "And then" The imp goes the cave, and then he gets tortured for lipping off, and then he discovers a body, and then he discovers why the bodies died, and then he he realized this is why he's there and it needs a vessel? 

Normally the imp would set out to complete the goal (get the monster a body) or we would be told it has a goal and experience along with the imp what that is. I.e. he himself isn't clear on his task and we discover it together. 

OVERALL

I think it's pretty good despite my strained efforts to explain what I thought went wrong. There's a lot here I like. I think the big take away is that going forward I would be looking for those more cohesive story telling elements.