Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#781
Fusion Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Fusion Wrote: Check out Hunter Sky it's in my username. I hope you like it?
Link please
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/59165/hunter-sky

Would not keep reading. Let's talk details. 

So here's your opening paragraph: One overcasted and cloudy day a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword. He walked holding his sons hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees.

"One overcasted and cloudy day, a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword." The comma here is very important. Acedmically, you can break things down to their discrete phrases and say 'this is where a comma goes'. I had someone point it out in my own work today. I want to be clear that you don't have to be that clear or anal in fiction writing. You need to make sure the structure: 1) allows a clear understanding and 2) flows. In this instance, I got what you were going for, however the meter was way off. Read that sentence out loud and make sure to read it without a break like you wrote it. 

"He walked holding his son's hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training, and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees." Technical mistake starting out. On its own who cares, but the previous sentence started out with a grave error and the sentence doesn't improve. At this point it goes from a technical flaw to being inditive of a overall flaw in the writing. The second edit is again another comma. This is the point where I'm worried reading your work. You establish with the second mistake that you don't know the technical rules for comma use, and you don't have an artistic. . . intuition or ear for flow. And then this second sentence is just outright clunky. Open field is redundant. "Near the trees" is pointless since he was in the woods and then found a field. 

And on it goes. The first bit of dialogue that comes back is one excruciatingly long sentence. 

Technical mistakes don't necessarily make reading for enjoyment possible, but we're over that line here. The level of writing makes the actual content pointless to talk about. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#782
ChasteArisenDemonLord Wrote: Hellooo, I'd love to get feedback on my current fiction (in my signature). It's non-litrpg and more character focused, with 1k-2k words per chapter.
Would not keep writing. 

This seems like a clear case to me where what's in your head isn't being translated to page. At best, I can make guesses as to what's going on, because we're majorly missing information. 

The second paragraph after the first bit of dialogue is completely non-sensical. No clue what is going on or what you are trying to say without making wild guesses. 

Paragraph 5 runs into more problems. You have a tense issue. And mroe than that, you start referring to multiple characters even though one has been established. Who is they? Its doubly confusing because this paragraph trudges ahead and starts talking about details that are vague. Vague after a whole lot of miscommunication.

And then once we hit paragraph six we're off the reservation. You keep saying "her". Who is her? The speaker. My guess at this point is that there are two women? And you start it off with "they" after talking about a woman and her husband, so the juxtaposition puts my mind on them and not the "they". 

I understood more in context as I went through. Butlike I said, off the reservation. You almost can't even understand this story forwards. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#783
Ararara Wrote: Been following this thread from the start, thanks for all the great in-depth work you do!

If you get around to it, I'd appreciate any feedback for my first chapter. https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/60472/wait-you-guys-have-systems

I feel like it could be a lot better, but not sure how. Cheers~

Thanks for the support. It's always good to know someone appreciates the work and isn't just interested in some free self promotion. 

In terms of your story, a weak would keep reading. 

I think you're a very good writer. The prose was very well done and I enjoyed reading it on that level. 

I do think your weakness here is story telling, however. The first thing that pops into my mind is story structure. Even individual chapters can be appraised by a three act structure. Normalcy, Exploration of the Idea, Resolution with those taking up 25%/50%/25% of the space reletively. 

Here, there isn't normalcy. You don't take the time to establish the every day. In the language of your story, this computer virus is what the plot is about. So we are already seeing your MC on his proverbial adventure. Now it's important to note that you come back in later and fill in those gaps. . . a little bit. "I need my computer for the big day. I won't let this virus beat me." It doesn't read like the story being presented out of sequence; it reads like a sentence or two in the middle to justify what's happening. 

So structurally, it would start with him working normally and then this thign happening. Or him doing regular maintence on a broken computer and then something abnormal starts to happen. And to highlight my point on the second suggesttion, that's not what we have here. Given your audience, we all know what those blue boxes are, especially as he's pointing out how weird they are. We start in the thick of it. 

My suggestion is a bit boring and a bit pedestrian perhaps, but that IS what this chapter is about ultimately. But as long as you write well and focus on establishing a character and putting some clever details in there, I think it should be fine. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#785
Emalie Wrote: PeoReading

Hello, do you want to help me with this? I'm new here and I want to have honest opinions about it. I have a lot to learn. I will also comment on your book.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/60688/idyll-in-its-decline

It's a weak would keep reading. 

You do a lot of the things you should do in a first chapter, I think. it's character focused, you establish them, give them problems and dreams and wants. It's all a bit basic in execution, but there's something to be said about hitting the right notes. 

I definitely felt the lack of plot. It's not really about anything and just a vague series of things to hang what you want to build up on. But the fact that it is this slower character drama is what made me stop and take notice. It's not the type of thing you see in this venue a lot and that plays into your favor, passing over comparisons to other work. 

But it's brief and you accomplish something. Hard to be mad at that. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#786
StgBria Wrote:
Fusion Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Fusion Wrote: Check out Hunter Sky it's in my username. I hope you like it?
Link please
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/59165/hunter-sky

Would not keep reading. Let's talk details. 

So here's your opening paragraph: One overcasted and cloudy day a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword. He walked holding his sons hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees.

"One overcasted and cloudy day, a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword." The comma here is very important. Acedmically, you can break things down to their discrete phrases and say 'this is where a comma goes'. I had someone point it out in my own work today. I want to be clear that you don't have to be that clear or anal in fiction writing. You need to make sure the structure: 1) allows a clear understanding and 2) flows. In this instance, I got what you were going for, however the meter was way off. Read that sentence out loud and make sure to read it without a break like you wrote it. 

"He walked holding his son's hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training, and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees." Technical mistake starting out. On its own who cares, but the previous sentence started out with a grave error and the sentence doesn't improve. At this point it goes from a technical flaw to being inditive of a overall flaw in the writing. The second edit is again another comma. This is the point where I'm worried reading your work. You establish with the second mistake that you don't know the technical rules for comma use, and you don't have an artistic. . . intuition or ear for flow. And then this second sentence is just outright clunky. Open field is redundant. "Near the trees" is pointless since he was in the woods and then found a field. 

And on it goes. The first bit of dialogue that comes back is one excruciatingly long sentence. 

Technical mistakes don't necessarily make reading for enjoyment possible, but we're over that line here. The level of writing makes the actual content pointless to talk about.
How is the chapter now? I did a few corrections.