Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#781
ChasteArisenDemonLord Wrote: Hellooo, I'd love to get feedback on my current fiction (in my signature). It's non-litrpg and more character focused, with 1k-2k words per chapter.
Would not keep writing. 

This seems like a clear case to me where what's in your head isn't being translated to page. At best, I can make guesses as to what's going on, because we're majorly missing information. 

The second paragraph after the first bit of dialogue is completely non-sensical. No clue what is going on or what you are trying to say without making wild guesses. 

Paragraph 5 runs into more problems. You have a tense issue. And mroe than that, you start referring to multiple characters even though one has been established. Who is they? Its doubly confusing because this paragraph trudges ahead and starts talking about details that are vague. Vague after a whole lot of miscommunication.

And then once we hit paragraph six we're off the reservation. You keep saying "her". Who is her? The speaker. My guess at this point is that there are two women? And you start it off with "they" after talking about a woman and her husband, so the juxtaposition puts my mind on them and not the "they". 

I understood more in context as I went through. Butlike I said, off the reservation. You almost can't even understand this story forwards. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#782
Ararara Wrote: Been following this thread from the start, thanks for all the great in-depth work you do!

If you get around to it, I'd appreciate any feedback for my first chapter. https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/60472/wait-you-guys-have-systems

I feel like it could be a lot better, but not sure how. Cheers~

Thanks for the support. It's always good to know someone appreciates the work and isn't just interested in some free self promotion. 

In terms of your story, a weak would keep reading. 

I think you're a very good writer. The prose was very well done and I enjoyed reading it on that level. 

I do think your weakness here is story telling, however. The first thing that pops into my mind is story structure. Even individual chapters can be appraised by a three act structure. Normalcy, Exploration of the Idea, Resolution with those taking up 25%/50%/25% of the space reletively. 

Here, there isn't normalcy. You don't take the time to establish the every day. In the language of your story, this computer virus is what the plot is about. So we are already seeing your MC on his proverbial adventure. Now it's important to note that you come back in later and fill in those gaps. . . a little bit. "I need my computer for the big day. I won't let this virus beat me." It doesn't read like the story being presented out of sequence; it reads like a sentence or two in the middle to justify what's happening. 

So structurally, it would start with him working normally and then this thign happening. Or him doing regular maintence on a broken computer and then something abnormal starts to happen. And to highlight my point on the second suggesttion, that's not what we have here. Given your audience, we all know what those blue boxes are, especially as he's pointing out how weird they are. We start in the thick of it. 

My suggestion is a bit boring and a bit pedestrian perhaps, but that IS what this chapter is about ultimately. But as long as you write well and focus on establishing a character and putting some clever details in there, I think it should be fine. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#784
Emalie Wrote: PeoReading

Hello, do you want to help me with this? I'm new here and I want to have honest opinions about it. I have a lot to learn. I will also comment on your book.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/60688/idyll-in-its-decline

It's a weak would keep reading. 

You do a lot of the things you should do in a first chapter, I think. it's character focused, you establish them, give them problems and dreams and wants. It's all a bit basic in execution, but there's something to be said about hitting the right notes. 

I definitely felt the lack of plot. It's not really about anything and just a vague series of things to hang what you want to build up on. But the fact that it is this slower character drama is what made me stop and take notice. It's not the type of thing you see in this venue a lot and that plays into your favor, passing over comparisons to other work. 

But it's brief and you accomplish something. Hard to be mad at that. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#785
StgBria Wrote:
Fusion Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Fusion Wrote: Check out Hunter Sky it's in my username. I hope you like it?
Link please
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/59165/hunter-sky

Would not keep reading. Let's talk details. 

So here's your opening paragraph: One overcasted and cloudy day a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword. He walked holding his sons hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees.

"One overcasted and cloudy day, a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword." The comma here is very important. Acedmically, you can break things down to their discrete phrases and say 'this is where a comma goes'. I had someone point it out in my own work today. I want to be clear that you don't have to be that clear or anal in fiction writing. You need to make sure the structure: 1) allows a clear understanding and 2) flows. In this instance, I got what you were going for, however the meter was way off. Read that sentence out loud and make sure to read it without a break like you wrote it. 

"He walked holding his son's hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training, and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees." Technical mistake starting out. On its own who cares, but the previous sentence started out with a grave error and the sentence doesn't improve. At this point it goes from a technical flaw to being inditive of a overall flaw in the writing. The second edit is again another comma. This is the point where I'm worried reading your work. You establish with the second mistake that you don't know the technical rules for comma use, and you don't have an artistic. . . intuition or ear for flow. And then this second sentence is just outright clunky. Open field is redundant. "Near the trees" is pointless since he was in the woods and then found a field. 

And on it goes. The first bit of dialogue that comes back is one excruciatingly long sentence. 

Technical mistakes don't necessarily make reading for enjoyment possible, but we're over that line here. The level of writing makes the actual content pointless to talk about.
How is the chapter now? I did a few corrections.

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#792
Fusion Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Fusion Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Fusion Wrote: Check out Hunter Sky it's in my username. I hope you like it?
Link please
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/59165/hunter-sky

Would not keep reading. Let's talk details. 

So here's your opening paragraph: One overcasted and cloudy day a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword. He walked holding his sons hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees.

"One overcasted and cloudy day, a man went into the woods to teach his son the way of the sword." The comma here is very important. Acedmically, you can break things down to their discrete phrases and say 'this is where a comma goes'. I had someone point it out in my own work today. I want to be clear that you don't have to be that clear or anal in fiction writing. You need to make sure the structure: 1) allows a clear understanding and 2) flows. In this instance, I got what you were going for, however the meter was way off. Read that sentence out loud and make sure to read it without a break like you wrote it. 

"He walked holding his son's hand, searching for an open spot to begin his training, and eventually, he stumbled upon an open grassy field near the trees." Technical mistake starting out. On its own who cares, but the previous sentence started out with a grave error and the sentence doesn't improve. At this point it goes from a technical flaw to being inditive of a overall flaw in the writing. The second edit is again another comma. This is the point where I'm worried reading your work. You establish with the second mistake that you don't know the technical rules for comma use, and you don't have an artistic. . . intuition or ear for flow. And then this second sentence is just outright clunky. Open field is redundant. "Near the trees" is pointless since he was in the woods and then found a field. 

And on it goes. The first bit of dialogue that comes back is one excruciatingly long sentence. 

Technical mistakes don't necessarily make reading for enjoyment possible, but we're over that line here. The level of writing makes the actual content pointless to talk about.
How is the chapter now? I did a few corrections.

Your font is all screwy with your first chapter now. I'd change it back to the standard. Past that, a quick skim looks far better in readability. There's some weird dialogue but from what I remember of the first draft, this seems superior. Albiet I'm fairly certain the story changed? (I do a lot of these). 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#793
Max Wrote: This is an absolutely insane thread. 

Your insights are stellar. I would appreciate any thoughts you have on The Semaphore. Thanks in advance. 

MLE

Would keep reading. 

There are parts of this that were very impressive and I loved. Prose is good, things are exciting. Surprising choice for your main character. Basic conflict I can understand and appreciate. 

Past that, I almost have to ask what is your intention in terms of quality, because I could see this being up there past just "web novel". You go really heavy on the show don't tell, for example. How do we know why they are chasing him? Eh, he jumps into his house and his mom tells us. It's a choppy choice in the flow and really only exists to introduce the mom and the voice pad. 

People say "show don't tell" because new authors tell too much. In reality, you should do both. Maybe it was a stylistic choice and I don't one to cramp on that, but as is there's some jank. You include scenes to show us information when we could just have a single paragraph tell us. And in story parlence, you don't even establish everything that the climax needs (e.g. the dues ex machina (which I don't want to rag on story structure in-chapter too much but that's kind of the struggle with this one). 

Let me outline it. 

Media res chase scene (first half of act 2, makes it home is the turn?).  
   Fine start. We'll revist that turn though. 

Flash back/ narration. So I was seeing this girl. Then her borthers found me (Act 1)
   You're missing the foundation entirely. I guess we can argue that your second half of act two tries to merge that in, but it's strange because then we don't have a second act. I don't want to pingeonhole you and say "you must do xyz, but we need a solid foundation to tell a story (even if it's a chapter from) and what we have feels very weird. 

Second half of chase which moves us into the third act with being captured (in this context, it's just him being home and then being sent out to get groceries.)
     Okay, so part of the reason that it feels weird is this. The turn in a story is what brings us to the end. But your turn is "he has to go get groceries". It's literally a false start. Go do what you were doing all along. I think the concept is there: The way he escapes is the way he gets caught, but it feels very inorganic. Mom sees her child is being chased and says "go outside and do this thing for me." Does she want her son to be hurt? Is she actively helping the bullies? 
    I guess that's my point. Maybe if she didn't know what's going on. The MC lies and misleads her so she inadvertantly forces him to leave the house and get caught. He HAS to leave because he would be forced to tell the truth otherwise. 

Captured by twins (Act 3 and climax, resolved with dues ex)
 All good here. My issue is obviously the dues ex which is only a deus ex becaues the character is unestbablished and the reader has no ability to anticipate it. Past that, it's very sloppy in execution. It makes the children all feel like they are 10. "Oh no, a girl is throwing rocks at us." It doesn't mesh at all. 


Alright, sorry about the word vomit. I was working through things as I typed. Let me know if you have any questions. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#794
Hanne Wrote: I've been withholding asking a review here for almost a year. I tried improving my writing first. Ten or so rewrites later, I just want to see, just how far I still need to go.

The story is in my sig.

Thanks for keeping this thread alive for so long.

Would keep reading. In fact, I'll probably read some more. 

I really liked this. Outside of the story working on that primary level, there was an added mystery or playing along with the language and the insinuations you made about how our MC didn't belong that I really liked. Not only that but it created more hurdles to overcome. Fun and clever ending. 

No huge cirtiques to offer. The one thing I noticed was a weird sort of logic that didn't track every now and then. Like he's been doing this a year but still isn't adjusted to the work? Eh, like I said, very small and it might make sense as things get laid out. 

Great work. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#795
Touintouin Wrote: Hi, I'm giving a try!
I got no feedback on my story "Welcome to the world of Onyxia" and the review of a experienced reader/writer.

English isn't my first language and I would gladly know if you feel it in my writing.

Tell me if you want one in exchange.

Leave link and I'll get right to it. You're free to give me some feedback on mine if you want, or not. It's a free service I offer here. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#796
Laulau20 Wrote: hello can you give feedback for my fiction?  it is in my signature.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/60247/parallel-world-connection/chapter/1027948/chapter-1

from self evaluation of my own fiction i think i have some problem with names, culture, and place description. but what do you think?
i will also give a read to your fiction. drop a reply on my fiction or tagged me here. thank you.

Feel free to give me feedback on my own work if you want. It's a free service so no pressure. In terms of your work: This is going to be a focus on your fundamentals. 

Let's look at some specifics:

 Basically, everything here is something I do not recognize, where is my bed, my home, and even my clothes, this smooth sensation of fabric is different than what my body remembered 

This sentence is a little crazy. 

“She is awake! The second hero awake!” the nurse screamed and calls for another nurse. I was quickly stripped and clothed with some fancy white dress.

Error. Tense swap. And let's talk about that. You swap tenses before this but those are possibly acceptable. My issue is that at this poitn I'm not sure if it was an intentional stylistic choice or you are swapping back and forth without realizing it. 

“She seems unwell. Is it ok for her to meet our majesty?” one of the maids’ whispers in a slightly loud tone that I can hear

Shouldn't be possesive. No end punctuation. 

And so on. There are others thing within the section I'm evaluating here that may or not be wrong. That's part of the problem though. If you can't trust the author's clarity, then everything is up in the air. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#799
StgBria Wrote: “She is awake! The second hero awake!” the nurse screamed and calls for another nurse. I was quickly stripped and clothed with some fancy white dress.

Error. Tense swap. And let's talk about that. You swap tenses before this but those are possibly acceptable. My issue is that at this poitn I'm not sure if it was an intentional stylistic choice or you are swapping back and forth without realizing it. 

“She seems unwell. Is it ok for her to meet our majesty?” one of the maids’ whispers in a slightly loud tone that I can hear

Shouldn't be possesive. No end punctuation. 

And so on. There are others thing within the section I'm evaluating here that may or not be wrong. That's part of the problem though. If you can't trust the author's clarity, then everything is up in the air.

what do you mean by tense swap? is it about that simple past tense and present tenses? this is not an excuses and i will try to make things better. but grammarly told me to change a lot of things that one included DrakanSigh DrakanLaugh

ex:
Grammarly marked the above sentence as incorrect and it suggest changing this
"is it about that simple past tense and present tenses"

and change it into:
Is it about the simple past tense and present tense?

I think the above sentence is wrong

after reading it closely for the third time I think it should be this:
is it about that simple past tense and those present tenses?
maybe?

I definitely need some help with some grammar master DrakanSigh DrakanLaugh

I heard that in this case scenario you should be consistent with simple past tense after the speaking quotes? sorry for my dumb question. but me being ESL and remembering and practicing these elementary and high school basic English lessons in real life is not helping.

by the way. this reply took me 10-15 minutes to proofread by cross-checking grammarly and my own knowledge