Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#621
StgBria Wrote:
NimtheNom Wrote: Hello! Just saw this and thought "I always wonder if my first chapters can capture people's attention or not", and from what I saw, you are describing your opinion about things, which are just that, but any opinion can serve to become good constructive criticism! 

My novel is a Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Adventure novel, aimed at any age group that would find it interesting.

So hope you enjoy it and let me know if you would continue reading or not!

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/53379/the-celestial-venture/chapter/885489/chapter-1-europa-landing

Wouldn't keep reading. 
Eh. Middle of the road. I think your biggest hurdle is the way you convey information. Outside of there being no real sense of excitement and drive, there's a lot of wasted space that lets the eyes wander. 

Let's just go over your first paragraph. 

"Come on, just a bit more. Then we can find somewhere to land and you'll get the treatment you deserve! Just a bit more!" Kree said, and some sounds came from the spaceship she was piloting, as if it was responding back to her. After pressing a few buttons, the ship's engines seemed to get some more energy in them, and into a boost they went, letting them cover a large distance in a short period. And then the engines became quiet once more, with the ship letting out some steam.

Here's what you accomplish in each sentence:

Sentence one: absolutely nothing. Out of context and as the first thing we read, these six words have no indpendent meaning. 
Sentence two: Character A needs to land to get Character B medical treatment. There are some other words but I don't know what they convey. 
Setence three: Character A presses button and ship goes faster
Sentence four: Ship slows down. 

In Summary: There are two characters and one is trying to get the other medical treatment. Ship goes faster. Ship goes slower. 
You accomplish what I summarized in 20 words in around 80 words. 

How I would convey this information:

"Stay with me! There has to be a hospital on one of these planets," Kree said. She jammed the throttle and accellerated at a rate that made the ship squeel.

And that's it. That literally conveys all the information in your first 80 words in 30.

Alright, thanks for the response!

Always considered beginnings to be a bit of my weaker moments, but that perspective does help me see that I perhaps not properly conveyed some things, such as how the 'character' Kree is talking to, is the ship itself, and she isn't seeking a planet to treat the ship, but rather finish a jump into the system, which is pushing the ship's engines.

Still a lot to convey, and like you already mentioned, I padded the first paragraph that just seemed to miscommunicate some things. Also part of why I always seek more people to go over my stories, to give me opinions and help me improve my stories.

Thanks for the review!

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#622
Jen Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote: Ok here I am, go trash my first Chapter xD I say it like that cause my first Chapter is indeed my weakest and I am not really happy with it yet. I just will edit it later again I guess. First, I wanted to catch up on my remaining Chapters to edit (the ones I have not published yet) and then regularily update, while I guess I will rework my first Chapter. With this said, I had no complains yet about it and people do like it it seems which I am glad about, but I am aware that it is by far the weakest in comparison to the others. It is kinda a slowburn the first half...I do like the second/ending part of it, but everything that leads to it partly ok and partly doesn't flow so well for me, so I think needs a tad rework. 

Well lemme know what ya think of it and if ya have any ideas how I could approach my rework on it, I appreciate it.

Also my Genre is kind of unusual for RR I think, so yeah, hope you enjoy it anway XD

Novel is in my sig =)

Would keep reading. 

This is interesting. And there's a lot to talk about here so feel free to ask any questions because I'm not going to get super in depth. You start out strong. The first few sentences make me saw, "wow this person knows how to write." and that's not necessarily the case with all of it. In some places you have a strong authorial voice, and in others it gets lost. 

For example, some parts feel like it's in first person. Or at least that narratieg third person. And then others the prose is completely flat. 

Other times, you have issues like: 

"In the meantime, the police arrived at the crime scene as well and arranged for the corpse to be taken away for further examination. A coroner needed to look over it, and send them, as well as the Conciliator, an autopsy report, but most importantly, they needed a cause of death to determine which sort of crime had been committed.

"While the Conciliators acted freely for the most part, certain procedures fell under the police’s jurisdiction, like handling the corpse. The police had their headquarters and the Conciliator had theirs. Despite being separate entities, the chiefs of both branches stayed in contact and shared information. Everything beneath that was up to individual officers and investigators.

You have literal stuff happening on screen. Our MC is walking the crime scene and getting clues, and then you just pull back and note generall: other stuff was happening. That's not really needed. Think of the scene like you're there with a camera, and try to tell everything without cutting the scene. You don't need to pull back and say "XYZ happens"; you can literally say for that first paragraph: "A pair of new officers on the scene shoved past me and made for the corpse. I hadn't even taken everything in yet and they were already putting the John in a body bag." Your character is the camera, tell the story through that lense. 

As far as rewriting or redoing this, that's pretty much my advice. Every problem here is in the framing because you have a solid set up for a first chapter. Every piece of dialogue and information can pretty much be accomplished at the crime scene. Why do the partners need to get back into the car to discuss about the crime? Think in movies or CSI or whatever, you have the two cops standing over the body and then they have that conversation. 

I've said this a lot for word choice, but recently for scene setting as well: there needs to be intentionality in your choices. If you're going to pick the characters up and move them to a different place for a new scene, there needs to be an articuable reason for that. If you're going to change the way that information is being delivered, same thing. 

There's definitely real talent here and I love the set up. It just feels like something you need to slow down on and really think about. I kid you not, reading the first couple of sentences, I was prepared for something that was preofessional quality.

I have to admit I had a bit of help and suggestion for changing my beginning (the first few sentences) I started this novel 2010 and barely changed the first chapter and like i said it did feel especially the parts you mentioned a bit of lackluster and i didnt know how to solve it but i figured it was a rushing issues. Hence why i said it is my weakest chapter. I think the other chapters, at least the two following up are way better in showing.

I guess i will take a step back and slow down on the first chapter and add more dailogue and showing of what happens before the corpse gets taken away. Thx for your insight. I am happy you like the setting and that you would keep reading =)

English is also not my first language so i am aware for some things i am sure there are better words to use. Thats where my vocabulary might lack a bit, but I practice and i look up a lot to get more word choices too
Did not pick up on English not being your first language at all. 

And when I said slow down, I didn't mean pacing. I meant you the author since there was that uneven quality. Which, might be due to someone helping you if I'm hearing that right. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#623
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote: Ok here I am, go trash my first Chapter xD I say it like that cause my first Chapter is indeed my weakest and I am not really happy with it yet. I just will edit it later again I guess. First, I wanted to catch up on my remaining Chapters to edit (the ones I have not published yet) and then regularily update, while I guess I will rework my first Chapter. With this said, I had no complains yet about it and people do like it it seems which I am glad about, but I am aware that it is by far the weakest in comparison to the others. It is kinda a slowburn the first half...I do like the second/ending part of it, but everything that leads to it partly ok and partly doesn't flow so well for me, so I think needs a tad rework. 

Well lemme know what ya think of it and if ya have any ideas how I could approach my rework on it, I appreciate it.

Also my Genre is kind of unusual for RR I think, so yeah, hope you enjoy it anway XD

Novel is in my sig =)

Would keep reading. 

This is interesting. And there's a lot to talk about here so feel free to ask any questions because I'm not going to get super in depth. You start out strong. The first few sentences make me saw, "wow this person knows how to write." and that's not necessarily the case with all of it. In some places you have a strong authorial voice, and in others it gets lost. 

For example, some parts feel like it's in first person. Or at least that narratieg third person. And then others the prose is completely flat. 

Other times, you have issues like: 

"In the meantime, the police arrived at the crime scene as well and arranged for the corpse to be taken away for further examination. A coroner needed to look over it, and send them, as well as the Conciliator, an autopsy report, but most importantly, they needed a cause of death to determine which sort of crime had been committed.

"While the Conciliators acted freely for the most part, certain procedures fell under the police’s jurisdiction, like handling the corpse. The police had their headquarters and the Conciliator had theirs. Despite being separate entities, the chiefs of both branches stayed in contact and shared information. Everything beneath that was up to individual officers and investigators.

You have literal stuff happening on screen. Our MC is walking the crime scene and getting clues, and then you just pull back and note generall: other stuff was happening. That's not really needed. Think of the scene like you're there with a camera, and try to tell everything without cutting the scene. You don't need to pull back and say "XYZ happens"; you can literally say for that first paragraph: "A pair of new officers on the scene shoved past me and made for the corpse. I hadn't even taken everything in yet and they were already putting the John in a body bag." Your character is the camera, tell the story through that lense. 

As far as rewriting or redoing this, that's pretty much my advice. Every problem here is in the framing because you have a solid set up for a first chapter. Every piece of dialogue and information can pretty much be accomplished at the crime scene. Why do the partners need to get back into the car to discuss about the crime? Think in movies or CSI or whatever, you have the two cops standing over the body and then they have that conversation. 

I've said this a lot for word choice, but recently for scene setting as well: there needs to be intentionality in your choices. If you're going to pick the characters up and move them to a different place for a new scene, there needs to be an articuable reason for that. If you're going to change the way that information is being delivered, same thing. 

There's definitely real talent here and I love the set up. It just feels like something you need to slow down on and really think about. I kid you not, reading the first couple of sentences, I was prepared for something that was preofessional quality.

I have to admit I had a bit of help and suggestion for changing my beginning (the first few sentences) I started this novel 2010 and barely changed the first chapter and like i said it did feel especially the parts you mentioned a bit of lackluster and i didnt know how to solve it but i figured it was a rushing issues. Hence why i said it is my weakest chapter. I think the other chapters, at least the two following up are way better in showing.

I guess i will take a step back and slow down on the first chapter and add more dailogue and showing of what happens before the corpse gets taken away. Thx for your insight. I am happy you like the setting and that you would keep reading =)

English is also not my first language so i am aware for some things i am sure there are better words to use. Thats where my vocabulary might lack a bit, but I practice and i look up a lot to get more word choices too
Did not pick up on English not being your first language at all. 

And when I said slow down, I didn't mean pacing. I meant you the author since there was that uneven quality. Which, might be due to someone helping you if I'm hearing that right.
Daww glad that you couldn't tell that english isn't my first language, makes me happyhaha

Well it was more the first 2 paragraphs where i got the help partly, the rest was all me. I started editing my existing chapters from passive to active, so that was hard already to how to reformulate xD

But what ya mean as me as author to slow down? Like not rush my thoughts, think it better through? 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#624
Jen Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote: Ok here I am, go trash my first Chapter xD I say it like that cause my first Chapter is indeed my weakest and I am not really happy with it yet. I just will edit it later again I guess. First, I wanted to catch up on my remaining Chapters to edit (the ones I have not published yet) and then regularily update, while I guess I will rework my first Chapter. With this said, I had no complains yet about it and people do like it it seems which I am glad about, but I am aware that it is by far the weakest in comparison to the others. It is kinda a slowburn the first half...I do like the second/ending part of it, but everything that leads to it partly ok and partly doesn't flow so well for me, so I think needs a tad rework. 

Well lemme know what ya think of it and if ya have any ideas how I could approach my rework on it, I appreciate it.

Also my Genre is kind of unusual for RR I think, so yeah, hope you enjoy it anway XD

Novel is in my sig =)

Would keep reading. 

This is interesting. And there's a lot to talk about here so feel free to ask any questions because I'm not going to get super in depth. You start out strong. The first few sentences make me saw, "wow this person knows how to write." and that's not necessarily the case with all of it. In some places you have a strong authorial voice, and in others it gets lost. 

For example, some parts feel like it's in first person. Or at least that narratieg third person. And then others the prose is completely flat. 

Other times, you have issues like: 

"In the meantime, the police arrived at the crime scene as well and arranged for the corpse to be taken away for further examination. A coroner needed to look over it, and send them, as well as the Conciliator, an autopsy report, but most importantly, they needed a cause of death to determine which sort of crime had been committed.

"While the Conciliators acted freely for the most part, certain procedures fell under the police’s jurisdiction, like handling the corpse. The police had their headquarters and the Conciliator had theirs. Despite being separate entities, the chiefs of both branches stayed in contact and shared information. Everything beneath that was up to individual officers and investigators.

You have literal stuff happening on screen. Our MC is walking the crime scene and getting clues, and then you just pull back and note generall: other stuff was happening. That's not really needed. Think of the scene like you're there with a camera, and try to tell everything without cutting the scene. You don't need to pull back and say "XYZ happens"; you can literally say for that first paragraph: "A pair of new officers on the scene shoved past me and made for the corpse. I hadn't even taken everything in yet and they were already putting the John in a body bag." Your character is the camera, tell the story through that lense. 

As far as rewriting or redoing this, that's pretty much my advice. Every problem here is in the framing because you have a solid set up for a first chapter. Every piece of dialogue and information can pretty much be accomplished at the crime scene. Why do the partners need to get back into the car to discuss about the crime? Think in movies or CSI or whatever, you have the two cops standing over the body and then they have that conversation. 

I've said this a lot for word choice, but recently for scene setting as well: there needs to be intentionality in your choices. If you're going to pick the characters up and move them to a different place for a new scene, there needs to be an articuable reason for that. If you're going to change the way that information is being delivered, same thing. 

There's definitely real talent here and I love the set up. It just feels like something you need to slow down on and really think about. I kid you not, reading the first couple of sentences, I was prepared for something that was preofessional quality.

I have to admit I had a bit of help and suggestion for changing my beginning (the first few sentences) I started this novel 2010 and barely changed the first chapter and like i said it did feel especially the parts you mentioned a bit of lackluster and i didnt know how to solve it but i figured it was a rushing issues. Hence why i said it is my weakest chapter. I think the other chapters, at least the two following up are way better in showing.

I guess i will take a step back and slow down on the first chapter and add more dailogue and showing of what happens before the corpse gets taken away. Thx for your insight. I am happy you like the setting and that you would keep reading =)

English is also not my first language so i am aware for some things i am sure there are better words to use. Thats where my vocabulary might lack a bit, but I practice and i look up a lot to get more word choices too
Did not pick up on English not being your first language at all. 

And when I said slow down, I didn't mean pacing. I meant you the author since there was that uneven quality. Which, might be due to someone helping you if I'm hearing that right.
Daww glad that you couldn't tell that english isn't my first language, makes me happyhaha

Well it was more the first 2 paragraphs where i got the help partly, the rest was all me. I started editing my existing chapters from passive to active, so that was hard already to how to reformulate xD

But what ya mean as me as author to slow down? Like not rush my thoughts, think it better through?
It was a quality concern. Like you said the second paragraph is so much more written than everything else. I thought if you slowed down you could do more of that. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#625
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Jen Wrote: Ok here I am, go trash my first Chapter xD I say it like that cause my first Chapter is indeed my weakest and I am not really happy with it yet. I just will edit it later again I guess. First, I wanted to catch up on my remaining Chapters to edit (the ones I have not published yet) and then regularily update, while I guess I will rework my first Chapter. With this said, I had no complains yet about it and people do like it it seems which I am glad about, but I am aware that it is by far the weakest in comparison to the others. It is kinda a slowburn the first half...I do like the second/ending part of it, but everything that leads to it partly ok and partly doesn't flow so well for me, so I think needs a tad rework. 

Well lemme know what ya think of it and if ya have any ideas how I could approach my rework on it, I appreciate it.

Also my Genre is kind of unusual for RR I think, so yeah, hope you enjoy it anway XD

Novel is in my sig =)

Would keep reading. 

This is interesting. And there's a lot to talk about here so feel free to ask any questions because I'm not going to get super in depth. You start out strong. The first few sentences make me saw, "wow this person knows how to write." and that's not necessarily the case with all of it. In some places you have a strong authorial voice, and in others it gets lost. 

For example, some parts feel like it's in first person. Or at least that narratieg third person. And then others the prose is completely flat. 

Other times, you have issues like: 

"In the meantime, the police arrived at the crime scene as well and arranged for the corpse to be taken away for further examination. A coroner needed to look over it, and send them, as well as the Conciliator, an autopsy report, but most importantly, they needed a cause of death to determine which sort of crime had been committed.

"While the Conciliators acted freely for the most part, certain procedures fell under the police’s jurisdiction, like handling the corpse. The police had their headquarters and the Conciliator had theirs. Despite being separate entities, the chiefs of both branches stayed in contact and shared information. Everything beneath that was up to individual officers and investigators.

You have literal stuff happening on screen. Our MC is walking the crime scene and getting clues, and then you just pull back and note generall: other stuff was happening. That's not really needed. Think of the scene like you're there with a camera, and try to tell everything without cutting the scene. You don't need to pull back and say "XYZ happens"; you can literally say for that first paragraph: "A pair of new officers on the scene shoved past me and made for the corpse. I hadn't even taken everything in yet and they were already putting the John in a body bag." Your character is the camera, tell the story through that lense. 

As far as rewriting or redoing this, that's pretty much my advice. Every problem here is in the framing because you have a solid set up for a first chapter. Every piece of dialogue and information can pretty much be accomplished at the crime scene. Why do the partners need to get back into the car to discuss about the crime? Think in movies or CSI or whatever, you have the two cops standing over the body and then they have that conversation. 

I've said this a lot for word choice, but recently for scene setting as well: there needs to be intentionality in your choices. If you're going to pick the characters up and move them to a different place for a new scene, there needs to be an articuable reason for that. If you're going to change the way that information is being delivered, same thing. 

There's definitely real talent here and I love the set up. It just feels like something you need to slow down on and really think about. I kid you not, reading the first couple of sentences, I was prepared for something that was preofessional quality.

I have to admit I had a bit of help and suggestion for changing my beginning (the first few sentences) I started this novel 2010 and barely changed the first chapter and like i said it did feel especially the parts you mentioned a bit of lackluster and i didnt know how to solve it but i figured it was a rushing issues. Hence why i said it is my weakest chapter. I think the other chapters, at least the two following up are way better in showing.

I guess i will take a step back and slow down on the first chapter and add more dailogue and showing of what happens before the corpse gets taken away. Thx for your insight. I am happy you like the setting and that you would keep reading =)

English is also not my first language so i am aware for some things i am sure there are better words to use. Thats where my vocabulary might lack a bit, but I practice and i look up a lot to get more word choices too
Did not pick up on English not being your first language at all. 

And when I said slow down, I didn't mean pacing. I meant you the author since there was that uneven quality. Which, might be due to someone helping you if I'm hearing that right.
Daww glad that you couldn't tell that english isn't my first language, makes me happyhaha

Well it was more the first 2 paragraphs where i got the help partly, the rest was all me. I started editing my existing chapters from passive to active, so that was hard already to how to reformulate xD

But what ya mean as me as author to slow down? Like not rush my thoughts, think it better through?
It was a quality concern. Like you said the second paragraph is so much more written than everything else. I thought if you slowed down you could do more of that.
Alright gotcha. Thank you. I will work on it and improve =) 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#628
Dan Wrote:
StgBria Wrote: Surprised to see nothing here. Still open.
Might be worthwhile to troll the introductions forum and start sending new folks here.  Or randomly pick out a review swap thread and crash the thread.  Honest feedback is something all authors need, whether we realize it or not.

It's happened once before in the year+ I've been doing it. I think there's just a combination of a lull and a lot of submissions in this forum that pushes the thread down down to the yonder pages. 

If it's no longer needed, that's cool too. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#631
zechamp Wrote: If this thread is in need of newbie first chapters, I shall oblige! For my first writing attempt I've gone for some classic reincarnation xianxia, so I'm definitely interested in hearing some more detailed impressions on the first chapter. I've gone over the first chapter a few times with some friends, but that was mostly focused on grammar issues and such, not the content itself.

Would keep reading. 

it was a little jarring  not having an establishment up front and basically being told he was in a new and weird place, and some of the dialogue was stilted. But with all of that said, it's surprisingly well written. It's like a very well executed version of one of those stories I always say is middle of the road. And I'm sure someone who was specifically into this kind of thing would enjoy it ver much. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#632
zang Wrote: Okay.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/52876/the-princesss-feathers/chapter/876021/1-the-breakfast-declaration

Would keep reading. 

This was both surprising and nice. I'm always a sucker for someone who takes an extra step to really ratchet up the production value, and the art work is supes nice. There's a bit of stiltedness to some of the dialogue, but it almost bleeds over into just a style. And the animals are always fun, altough giving these pictures makes it feel a bit more of the fury deal (I say that as if it wasn't objectively the case). 

Surprsingly good and its definitely one of those that feels under discovered based on the views/comments. I enjoyed this far more than other more popular things. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#633
StgBria Wrote:
zechamp Wrote: If this thread is in need of newbie first chapters, I shall oblige! For my first writing attempt I've gone for some classic reincarnation xianxia, so I'm definitely interested in hearing some more detailed impressions on the first chapter. I've gone over the first chapter a few times with some friends, but that was mostly focused on grammar issues and such, not the content itself.

Would keep reading. 

it was a little jarring  not having an establishment up front and basically being told he was in a new and weird place, and some of the dialogue was stilted. But with all of that said, it's surprisingly well written. It's like a very well executed version of one of those stories I always say is middle of the road. And I'm sure someone who was specifically into this kind of thing would enjoy it ver much.
Thanks for the feedback! I honestly find most reincarnation stories that start off with a lengthy explanation of the mc's circumstances rather annoying, so I wanted to have him getting involved in a situation right away with no idea of what's going on. I definitely have a lot to work on with my dialogue, but I'm glad that the writing seemed proficient enough. I was a bit worried it would seem too heavy and boring.

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#634
zechamp Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
zechamp Wrote: If this thread is in need of newbie first chapters, I shall oblige! For my first writing attempt I've gone for some classic reincarnation xianxia, so I'm definitely interested in hearing some more detailed impressions on the first chapter. I've gone over the first chapter a few times with some friends, but that was mostly focused on grammar issues and such, not the content itself.

Would keep reading. 

it was a little jarring  not having an establishment up front and basically being told he was in a new and weird place, and some of the dialogue was stilted. But with all of that said, it's surprisingly well written. It's like a very well executed version of one of those stories I always say is middle of the road. And I'm sure someone who was specifically into this kind of thing would enjoy it ver much.
Thanks for the feedback! I honestly find most reincarnation stories that start off with a lengthy explanation of the mc's circumstances rather annoying, so I wanted to have him getting involved in a situation right away with no idea of what's going on. I definitely have a lot to work on with my dialogue, but I'm glad that the writing seemed proficient enough. I was a bit worried it would seem too heavy and boring.

There's definitely a balance between establishment and dragging it out. My rule of thumb is just enough to establish the MC. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#635
StgBria Wrote: And the animals are always fun, altough giving these pictures makes it feel a bit more of the fury deal (I say that as if it wasn't objectively the case).

What can I say, you can't learn to draw animal characters without scribbling a few fursonas.

Thank you for the lovely words! I'm not sure if the art style is as big a turnoff as I think it is, or if I'm simply not attracting the right audience yet. It's soothing at least to hear a take on the first chapter that hints at the latter.

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#636
StgBria Wrote: UPDATE: Drop by my other thread and come check out my Youtube Channel: https://www.royalroad.com/forums/thread/111726
                                                                                                               https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

I saw this done here like six months ago but it died out, so I figured I'd do one myself.

Leave a link to your first chapter, and I'll give my general impressions as to if I would keep reading and why. One work per person. If I've read your work in some other context, I don't do that either. 

No idea how fast I'll get back to you, but I intend to keep it going. 

HALL OF FAME (In no particular order)

A Man Led By the Heart of Another World by Sarcosuchus

Together by OntoSomethingGood

The Eyes See All by Sii

Drops by Air12

Caninstinct by BenJepheneT

Isaac Unknown: The Albatross Tales by SubwayChud

Eclipse by Aster


I posted on your other thread but I thought I see if you're still checking this one.
Here's some dystopian sci-fiction about the near future.
Let me know if you're interested.
Cheers.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/53929/nova-interitus

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#637
DeimosRobertson Wrote:
StgBria Wrote: UPDATE: Drop by my other thread and come check out my Youtube Channel: https://www.royalroad.com/forums/thread/111726
                                                                                                               https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

I saw this done here like six months ago but it died out, so I figured I'd do one myself.

Leave a link to your first chapter, and I'll give my general impressions as to if I would keep reading and why. One work per person. If I've read your work in some other context, I don't do that either. 

No idea how fast I'll get back to you, but I intend to keep it going. 

HALL OF FAME (In no particular order)

A Man Led By the Heart of Another World by Sarcosuchus

Together by OntoSomethingGood

The Eyes See All by Sii

Drops by Air12

Caninstinct by BenJepheneT

Isaac Unknown: The Albatross Tales by SubwayChud

Eclipse by Aster


I posted on your other thread but I thought I see if you're still checking this one.
Here's some dystopian sci-fiction about the near future.
Let me know if you're interested.
Cheers.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/53929/nova-interitus

Would keep reading. 

This is one of the more interesting things I've read on here. It's like the sci-fi version of House of Leaves. And you're certainly at your strongest when you doing the more expansive world building and focusing on the little details. 

BUT this is where it gets messy because there are a lot of peculiarities with the way you've written the prose. The compoetence that you've written these other areas makes me want to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume they are intentional choices, but I'm really not sure which is a big problem. Let's assume what I'm about to talk are intentional choices; if that's the case, you have a problem with the writer/reader relationship, because I'm not convinced. You're essentially asking me to trust you without doing anything to establish that trust. From an overall presentation stand point, it could work, but it has to be so darn good that I assume it's intentional. 

But let's get into the specficis because that will come off horribly vague if you don't know what I'm talking about. 

It happened back in 2063.

Face down in the mud, he lifted his head and choked on the silt up his nose and in his mouth. While looking back and out of breath he'd tripped on a huge root, bulging from the earth, exposed by erosion. He almost threw up. Then, finally a clean inhale. Somewhat. On hands and knees in the wet forest he’s still for one moment. The dog barked twice in the distance. It was a glimpse through the depth of mayhem, like looking through a mind portal and you see something critical.

RED AND BLUE Red past tense. Blue present tense. throughout this work, you shift between the two seemingly at random. It's an extremely novice mistake which is why I questioned it because you seem to have a clear vision here. Like, is this a stylistic choice? Something avant guard? Probably not. I thought maybe the blue were things happening conccurent with the action (still past) and red were scene setting and build up– like the manner people abuse past progressive. But that doesn't track. Lifted would be present then. It all seems like a mistake. 

Clarity in purple. Outside of some rookie mistakes, your prose in general has a weird clunkiness to it. You have a nice variation in sentence structure and sentence length, but it's weirdly sterile like you have a theoretical grasp of the subject but don't know how that translatates practically.  

        First sentence:  Face down in the mud, he lifted his head and choked on the silt up his nose and in his mouth."  You have a compound verb followed by a compound modifier. It's grammatically correct and the modifier's juxtaposition is correct, but it's horrible clunky. On its own, I might not notice, but you have a ton of sentences that are weirdly ineffeicent like this. 

       Second sentence: "While looking back and out of breath he'd tripped on a huge root, bulging from the earth, exposed by erosion."  This is a big red flag. You start out in the future. "Let me tell you what happened." And then the "first sentence" puts us right in the action. He's doing stuff in the past. BUT THEN the section sentence takes us even further back to set a foundation for the first sentence and tell us how we got here. And then the two sentences that follow are weird. 

      Pacing wise they're fine, but we're concerned with temporality here: "He almost threw up. Then, finally a clean inhale. Somewhat." He almost threw up AND THEN he had the silt in his mouth? No that's not right. The overall structure if we include the intro is ABCB  (A=future)(b=past)(c=past progressive) But then the juxtaposition is weird, but you have these short ideas immeadiatly after the C beat. And remember, you are apparently playing around with tense so "Then, finally a clean inhale" doesn't have a verb, further making the overall temporality of these three short beats very, very hard to read. 

    Also, if we're just talking flow, these three short ideas don't quite work. They have a repetitous feel and basically all say the same thing making them monotonous. 

   Green. Useless. We can assume its wet based on the mud. I know it seems like I'm being prickly but doing the most with the fewest words really is the best way to keep a reader engaged. And then that last bit in green really just feels like nonsense. I have no idea what you're saying. 

  That's it for paragraph one. I very much could do this with most if not all of the actual story telling prose. There's a weird stilt to it all that's becomes more problematic than you're average work because you are being so weighty and verbose. It's not fun, but if you're going to write at a high level, I really do beleive a writer has to go word by word and consider them all carefully. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#640
StgBria Wrote:
DeimosRobertson Wrote:
StgBria Wrote: UPDATE: Drop by my other thread and come check out my Youtube Channel: https://www.royalroad.com/forums/thread/111726
                                                                                                               https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

I saw this done here like six months ago but it died out, so I figured I'd do one myself.

Leave a link to your first chapter, and I'll give my general impressions as to if I would keep reading and why. One work per person. If I've read your work in some other context, I don't do that either. 

No idea how fast I'll get back to you, but I intend to keep it going. 

HALL OF FAME (In no particular order)

A Man Led By the Heart of Another World by Sarcosuchus

Together by OntoSomethingGood

The Eyes See All by Sii

Drops by Air12

Caninstinct by BenJepheneT

Isaac Unknown: The Albatross Tales by SubwayChud

Eclipse by Aster


I posted on your other thread but I thought I see if you're still checking this one.
Here's some dystopian sci-fiction about the near future.
Let me know if you're interested.
Cheers.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/53929/nova-interitus

Would keep reading. 

This is one of the more interesting things I've read on here. It's like the sci-fi version of House of Leaves. And you're certainly at your strongest when you doing the more expansive world building and focusing on the little details. 

BUT this is where it gets messy because there are a lot of peculiarities with the way you've written the prose. The compoetence that you've written these other areas makes me want to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume they are intentional choices, but I'm really not sure which is a big problem. Let's assume what I'm about to talk are intentional choices; if that's the case, you have a problem with the writer/reader relationship, because I'm not convinced. You're essentially asking me to trust you without doing anything to establish that trust. From an overall presentation stand point, it could work, but it has to be so darn good that I assume it's intentional. 

But let's get into the specficis because that will come off horribly vague if you don't know what I'm talking about. 

It happened back in 2063.

Face down in the mud, he lifted his head and choked on the silt up his nose and in his mouth. While looking back and out of breath he'd tripped on a huge root, bulging from the earth, exposed by erosion. He almost threw up. Then, finally a clean inhale. Somewhat. On hands and knees in the wet forest he’s still for one moment. The dog barked twice in the distance. It was a glimpse through the depth of mayhem, like looking through a mind portal and you see something critical.

RED AND BLUE Red past tense. Blue present tense. throughout this work, you shift between the two seemingly at random. It's an extremely novice mistake which is why I questioned it because you seem to have a clear vision here. Like, is this a stylistic choice? Something avant guard? Probably not. I thought maybe the blue were things happening conccurent with the action (still past) and red were scene setting and build up– like the manner people abuse past progressive. But that doesn't track. Lifted would be present then. It all seems like a mistake. 

Clarity in purple. Outside of some rookie mistakes, your prose in general has a weird clunkiness to it. You have a nice variation in sentence structure and sentence length, but it's weirdly sterile like you have a theoretical grasp of the subject but don't know how that translatates practically.  

        First sentence:  Face down in the mud, he lifted his head and choked on the silt up his nose and in his mouth."  You have a compound verb followed by a compound modifier. It's grammatically correct and the modifier's juxtaposition is correct, but it's horrible clunky. On its own, I might not notice, but you have a ton of sentences that are weirdly ineffeicent like this. 

       Second sentence: "While looking back and out of breath he'd tripped on a huge root, bulging from the earth, exposed by erosion."  This is a big red flag. You start out in the future. "Let me tell you what happened." And then the "first sentence" puts us right in the action. He's doing stuff in the past. BUT THEN the section sentence takes us even further back to set a foundation for the first sentence and tell us how we got here. And then the two sentences that follow are weird. 

      Pacing wise they're fine, but we're concerned with temporality here: "He almost threw up. Then, finally a clean inhale. Somewhat." He almost threw up AND THEN he had the silt in his mouth? No that's not right. The overall structure if we include the intro is ABCB  (A=future)(b=past)(c=past progressive) But then the juxtaposition is weird, but you have these short ideas immeadiatly after the C beat. And remember, you are apparently playing around with tense so "Then, finally a clean inhale" doesn't have a verb, further making the overall temporality of these three short beats very, very hard to read. 

    Also, if we're just talking flow, these three short ideas don't quite work. They have a repetitous feel and basically all say the same thing making them monotonous. 

   Green. Useless. We can assume its wet based on the mud. I know it seems like I'm being prickly but doing the most with the fewest words really is the best way to keep a reader engaged. And then that last bit in green really just feels like nonsense. I have no idea what you're saying. 

  That's it for paragraph one. I very much could do this with most if not all of the actual story telling prose. There's a weird stilt to it all that's becomes more problematic than you're average work because you are being so weighty and verbose. It's not fun, but if you're going to write at a high level, I really do beleive a writer has to go word by word and consider them all carefully.

I'm going to re-read your response in further detail later... but this is why I think the story should possibly start with chapter two instead.
A lot of what you're referring to is very much intentional and a style choice. But some of it (or a lot maybe) needs to be cleaned up. This section is a narration from the main character's grandson, retelling the story of the Great Event, something that his grandfather witnessed 60 years prior. He's telling the story as one would around a campfire, or to an audience. So when he's in full narration mode, it's present tense, like acting out a story. The quoted asides are the narrator breaking in with his own extra thoughts. 

The only reason I'm here is to get feedback and comments like yours. And as you pointed to, some of this gets to be subjective criticism, but I appreciate the objective critiques very much.

Cheers.
-R