Evieleyn Wrote: Thank you for your feedback!

Quote:The only glaring thing that stood out to me was this insistence on a "southern" accent. In the extremely far off future, apparently they still remember Earth, but not just Earth, they remember a specific dialect in a specific section of a specific country. 

So the reason for this, is to play into one of the big themes of this story which is cultural isolation. It gets explored a bit in the later chapters, but I definite see how it stands out in a futuristic setting :/

Quote:A lot of the little world building or just plot details bothered me, and some of it moved into that procedural territory where we're just getting through dialogue and such to move the plot forward and it isn't crafted enough to have independent merit. 

I'm not 100% sure what you mean. Are you saying that it feels like the dialogue is just there to move the plot along and doesn't have enough personality on its own ? 

Anywhos, thanks again for your feedback! ^^

On the second part, I wasn't talking about the accent. Just a lot of little in-world details that didn't seem to be congruent.

Hi hello! 100% no worries and thank you for doing this in the first place, but I think I may have possibly gotten skipped! I was over here, under Eclipse :)

WhimsicalDeity Wrote: Hi hello! Thanks for doing this!

If you're still at it, I'd love to get a read on my first chapter, which can be found here. It's a pretty standard LitRPG I'm working on right now!

Yeah that happens unfortunately. Thanks for pointing it out. On to the story. . . . Would keep reading. 

This was cute right out the gate. I like your character and you have some fun ideas here. Everything is set up properly and as far as web novels go, it's a solid A-. The only issue is the lack of any real internal conflict for the main character. 

Being kind of aimless and not knowing what you're doing in life is a problem, but it's not a very interesting problem to read about. If we're really getting into the advanced writing seminar and asking if it can work? Then yeah, technically. You'd need to sublimate that into some other negative characteristic that would appear to be THE conflict on the surface. And then you'd need to have that tension of the thing that makes them not bored (the portal travel) being a bad thing, but they embrace it anyway. 

It probably works better for antihero archetypes. Which is to say, this is all a bit much to worry about for a web novel. 

StgBria Wrote: And then the world building makes no sense. Outside of straight up contradictions, I am not prepared to accept the notion that aliens CAN invent faster than light travel but CAN'T figure out how to ingest toxic chemicals to get high. I mean. . . .

Mmm...I never said they couldn't get high...did you literally miss the part where I said that Simius export drugs to Draigonnians? I said they had a high tolerance, not resistance. Having a high tolerance doesn't mean they can't get high, it just takes a lot more. Obviously, they have different body chemistry than Simians.

Also, I said their environment lacked in producing them, meaning, there aren't any substances on their planet that naturally make intoxicants. They aren't going to make drugs from an unnatural substance like dumb humans in real life do, e.g. meth and others.

Also, I don't follow a template with genres. Just because sci-fi stories are written one way, doesn't mean I'm going to write mine that way. There is no such thing as writing a genre right or wrong. I like doing things differently.

It's ok, I see you can't comprehend. Thank you for the review. :)

L Wrote:

StgBria Wrote: And then the world building makes no sense. Outside of straight up contradictions, I am not prepared to accept the notion that aliens CAN invent faster than light travel but CAN'T figure out how to ingest toxic chemicals to get high. I mean. . . .

Mmm...I never said they couldn't get high...did you literally miss the part where I said that Simius export drugs to Draigonnians? I said they had a high tolerance, not resistance. Having a high tolerance doesn't mean they can't get high, it just takes a lot more. Obviously, they have a different body chemistry than Simians.

Also, I don't follow a template with genres. Just because sci-fi stories are written one way, doesn't mean I'm going to write mine that way. There is no such thing as writing a genre right or wrong. I like doing things differently.

It's ok, I see you can't comprehend. Thank you for the review. :)

Ignoring the fact that there was some contradictory writing going on there, I still reject the central premise. That a space fearing, FTL civilization couldn't make drugs. Like, you need that explanation where they just don't have the plant that Earth uses for its super drug. When most drugs are so simple dudes in trailers can make them with a box of matches and niquill, I just can't believe that aliens can't do the same. 

StgBria Wrote:

L Wrote:

StgBria Wrote: And then the world building makes no sense. Outside of straight up contradictions, I am not prepared to accept the notion that aliens CAN invent faster than light travel but CAN'T figure out how to ingest toxic chemicals to get high. I mean. . . .

Mmm...I never said they couldn't get high...did you literally miss the part where I said that Simius export drugs to Draigonnians? I said they had a high tolerance, not resistance. Having a high tolerance doesn't mean they can't get high, it just takes a lot more. Obviously, they have a different body chemistry than Simians.

Also, I don't follow a template with genres. Just because sci-fi stories are written one way, doesn't mean I'm going to write mine that way. There is no such thing as writing a genre right or wrong. I like doing things differently.

It's ok, I see you can't comprehend. Thank you for the review. :)

Ignoring the fact that there was some contradictory writing going on there, I still reject the central premise. That a space fearing, FTL civilization couldn't make drugs. Like, you need that explanation where they just don't have the plant that Earth uses for its super drug. When most drugs are so simple dudes in trailers can make them with a box of matches and niquill, I just can't believe that aliens can't do the same.

You really don't get it? I'm not going to go into it when I clearly just told you that they aren't going to use unnatural substances. I'm not going to keep going on with you. Either you get it or you don't. It's understandable that you don't comprehend.

Also. You talked about the grocery store in this paragraph and you didn't understand it:

Quote:Pollution hung like a fog of death across Simius, the poles thawed, severe weather abounded, droughts, scarcity of freshwater, and food with modified genetics stocked grocery store shelves. Poverty spiraled out of control with the introduction of robots and androids that performed tasks with faster precision than their Simian competitors. Robotics engineers, the government, and food manufacturers became richer, but the citizens became poorer. That was when The Survivors War began. The war started in the year 6015 and ended in 6115 with environmental and governmental reform.

That whole paragraph was about the state of the planet that was ruined by Simians. All I can suggest is that you research genetically modified food and what it does to people and the environment.

However, I do appreciate your feedback and your time. I have also been told I have issues with tone, etc. Thanks once again.

Hi, I'm new to writing, so some harsh criticism will be appreciated.
My first novel: Emil's Night, chapter 1
Thank you in advance!

Remi Wrote: Hi, I'm new to writing, so some harsh criticism will be appreciated.
My first novel: Emil's Night, chapter 1
Thank you in advance!

First thing first. Change your font to the site's base. It might not have even been your fault since RR typically does something funky with the first chapter uploads. 

As for the work itself, would not keep reading. 

This is pretty middle of the road for me and I don't have strong feelings one way or the other. Maybe slightly positive. Some of the writing is unclear and you focus on some mundane stuff too long. Like, okay, we get it. And I would also say you miss some opportunities to pump up your character early on and give him some personality or relatability. 

Which is say, you're very close to having an amazing first chapter. I can see very clearly in my head what it should be, because your ending would have me hooked if the start was more engaging. 

I'm thinking bait and switch in my head. Have this rising tension, but use that space to point to him solving his problem in a sane way. And then we discover at the end that, that wasn't what you meant all along. 

And I guess this is where I was a bit unclear on with some of the writing. . . . Are the cats incidental to his problems or are they the sole cause. They seemed incidental which I like even more, but it was hard to tell sometimes what you were going for. 

I would like you to review my first chapter of my story. :)

The Prologue

BornInAbyss Wrote: I would like you to review my first chapter of my story. :)

The Prologue

I'm on Scribble Hub too, you goof. 

Hi! Thank you for taking the time to read.

I switched to Open sans, is that correct?

So if I understand, I should trim down on things like descriptions of the commute, the "scenery" and the lectures, but focus more on the feelings of the characters (or maybe dialogue?)

I was trying to get across that he planned to take the cat far away and release it, but ended up drowning it in drunken anger. I guess I should have written it more clearly, but at the time I think I was trying to go for a more mysterious vibe.

First chapter- well, prologue really- is here.  I'd appreciate someone taking a look at it, as it's been weeks since I wrote it.  I don't have too much falloff from readers going from the first bit to the second, just the normal steady drop to the current chapter.  I can't really judge the quality objectively, so it'd be nice to know just how bad it sucks if it does indeed suck.

I would hesitantly offer up Sweet Venom for a first chapter read, i'm just starting to write the second arc but I want to know if the beginning actually hooks people in or not.

Direct link here: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/51710/heavy-weapons-sweet-venom

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/52114/violence-of-action--cyberpunk-mil-sci-fi/chapter/860126/broken-toy-soldiers

I would love some feedback! Though it looks like I a very late to this party.

Remi Wrote: Hi! Thank you for taking the time to read.

I switched to Open sans, is that correct?

So if I understand, I should trim down on things like descriptions of the commute, the "scenery" and the lectures, but focus more on the feelings of the characters (or maybe dialogue?)

I was trying to get across that he planned to take the cat far away and release it, but ended up drowning it in drunken anger. I guess I should have written it more clearly, but at the time I think I was trying to go for a more mysterious vibe.

This is taking it back, but I think I just felt that the two threads weren't connected. Like the bit about the cats should have been directly tied to his issues in life some way. Like he's annoyed that he can't get sleep so he's sleep so he's annoyed. Right? Like a vicious circle that feeds off each other. As it, it read like "oh also. Cats."

Dan Wrote: First chapter- well, prologue really- is here.  I'd appreciate someone taking a look at it, as it's been weeks since I wrote it.  I don't have too much falloff from readers going from the first bit to the second, just the normal steady drop to the current chapter.  I can't really judge the quality objectively, so it'd be nice to know just how bad it sucks if it does indeed suck.

Would keep reading.

This was quite good. My only two points I can critize are: 
  1. It feels like there isn't a super strong framing device. Like, one sentence of front of, "I'm writing this down in case someone comes after me." The chapter title does 90% of the work, but it still feels like they need some motive up front. 

  2. The humor. It's subjective. Yadda yadda. I say it every time this critique comes up, but I really didn't feel like any of the humor landed. It wasn't bad and it didn't detract, but I wasn't feeling it either. 


Otherwise, very good job. It's a high quality web novel start. 

Beta_Krogoth Wrote: I would hesitantly offer up Sweet Venom for a first chapter read, i'm just starting to write the second arc but I want to know if the beginning actually hooks people in or not.

Direct link here: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/51710/heavy-weapons-sweet-venom

First off, I really like that cover art. Second, would not keep reading. 

This one is middle of the road for me. It's vaguely competent and about something interesting, but at the same time it's got a lot of wasted space and the length is a bit tedious. On top of that, there is that mark of juvenile maturity behind it. I'd almost call it the humor but it went past that where it doesn't feel like actual people talking, but someone trying to emulate what that would be like. 

deacongray Wrote: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/52114/violence-of-action--cyberpunk-mil-sci-fi/chapter/860126/broken-toy-soldiers

I would love some feedback! Though it looks like I a very late to this party.

Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over a year now. Anyway, would read one more chapter. 

There are some definite issues in sentence construction. It started out a little goofy with "bad mission" but it devolved into some genuine tense issues and construction issues. And I don't say this as some final judgement, there have been things that have worked for me despite the level they are written at, and there is something here. You have a decent character voice and there is a lot going on, but it also reaches that point where it's not very "story tell-y". There's a lot of set up that is just telling us things you could easily show through the environment or thing happening. 

When it does get going though, it gets going. When you're in the moment and telling us what's happening it's exciting. You have some decent chemistry between characters. There's a lot I like here too. 

It's very borderline which way I'm leaning, but I'd keep going with one more chapter to see.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/52003/playing-with-the-dead/chapter/857286/the-barkeep-ch-1

If you're still giving feed back, I would love some. :)

StgBria Wrote:

Beta_Krogoth Wrote: I would hesitantly offer up Sweet Venom for a first chapter read, i'm just starting to write the second arc but I want to know if the beginning actually hooks people in or not.

Direct link here: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/51710/heavy-weapons-sweet-venom

First off, I really like that cover art. Second, would not keep reading. 

This one is middle of the road for me. It's vaguely competent and about something interesting, but at the same time it's got a lot of wasted space and the length is a bit tedious. On top of that, there is that mark of juvenile maturity behind it. I'd almost call it the humor but it went past that where it doesn't feel like actual people talking, but someone trying to emulate what that would be like.

Appreciate the feedback. Regarding the wasted space/length, I think that's definitely something I could work on, I've not had anyone else raise that before so I'm going to take it with a pinch of salt and say that its also reader preference, but things could be snappier and tighter, so thank you. I like describing things and building scenes but it can be hard to balance that sometimes.

Regarding the second part, I'm actually not sure what you mean. or if I necessarily agree if I think I understand what you mean.

From my perspective, Oxyi and Diego are total strangers, one of whom is tremendously stressed and under a lot of pressure, shes trying not to appear weird and has some anxiety that's bleeding into the conversation, if that's what your picking up on then its entirely intended and appropriate to the characters and situation, I think?

Appreciate your time and feedback though!