Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#401

ArthurScott Wrote: I've actually review-swapped with you on ScribbleHub, I'm pretty sure. And I've entered in the same thread, IDK if you remember me haha. 

Anyway, I'm down for this! Link is here!
Mmm. I've done like three review swaps in my life and only one on Scirbblehub and I don't remember you. I looked through your stories posted here, did you have something there that you didn't upload here? Like a typical Joseph Campbell fantasy? Anywho

Would keep reading. 

That was quite nice. I didn't find the whole amenesiatic start to be very gripping or interesting, but everything was solid and I think the base premise seemed fun. Granted, I'm a sucker for those "games where one person can win stories," and I'm doing one myself lol. So yeah, good all around could just maybe use some setup structurally, unless you intend to do it out of order with flashbacks or what have you. Cool cover too. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#403

StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote: I've actually review-swapped with you on ScribbleHub, I'm pretty sure. And I've entered in the same thread, IDK if you remember me haha. 

Anyway, I'm down for this! Link is here!
Mmm. I've done like three review swaps in my life and only one on Scirbblehub and I don't remember you. I looked through your stories posted here, did you have something there that you didn't upload here? Like a typical Joseph Campbell fantasy? Anywho

Would keep reading. 

That was quite nice. I didn't find the whole amenesiatic start to be very gripping or interesting, but everything was solid and I think the base premise seemed fun. Granted, I'm a sucker for those "games where one person can win stories," and I'm doing one myself lol. So yeah, good all around could just maybe use some setup structurally, unless you intend to do it out of order with flashbacks or what have you. Cool cover too.
It's the guy that did FROST (I changed the cover of the story so that's probably why you don't remember). 


I assume by structure you mean a prologue etc? Like something before? Surprised

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#404

ArthurScott Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote: I've actually review-swapped with you on ScribbleHub, I'm pretty sure. And I've entered in the same thread, IDK if you remember me haha. 

Anyway, I'm down for this! Link is here!
Mmm. I've done like three review swaps in my life and only one on Scirbblehub and I don't remember you. I looked through your stories posted here, did you have something there that you didn't upload here? Like a typical Joseph Campbell fantasy? Anywho

Would keep reading. 

That was quite nice. I didn't find the whole amenesiatic start to be very gripping or interesting, but everything was solid and I think the base premise seemed fun. Granted, I'm a sucker for those "games where one person can win stories," and I'm doing one myself lol. So yeah, good all around could just maybe use some setup structurally, unless you intend to do it out of order with flashbacks or what have you. Cool cover too.
It's the guy that did FROST (I changed the cover of the story so that's probably why you don't remember). 


I assume by structure you mean a prologue etc? Like something before? Surprised
What was frost about. . . 

Actually disregard that. I was considering it using other structures and was ignoring that amnesia had some unique quirks in the story telling. All good. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#405

StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote: I've actually review-swapped with you on ScribbleHub, I'm pretty sure. And I've entered in the same thread, IDK if you remember me haha. 

Anyway, I'm down for this! Link is here!
Mmm. I've done like three review swaps in my life and only one on Scirbblehub and I don't remember you. I looked through your stories posted here, did you have something there that you didn't upload here? Like a typical Joseph Campbell fantasy? Anywho

Would keep reading. 

That was quite nice. I didn't find the whole amenesiatic start to be very gripping or interesting, but everything was solid and I think the base premise seemed fun. Granted, I'm a sucker for those "games where one person can win stories," and I'm doing one myself lol. So yeah, good all around could just maybe use some setup structurally, unless you intend to do it out of order with flashbacks or what have you. Cool cover too.
It's the guy that did FROST (I changed the cover of the story so that's probably why you don't remember). 


I assume by structure you mean a prologue etc? Like something before? Surprised
What was frost about. . . 

Actually disregard that. I was considering it using other structures and was ignoring that amnesia had some unique quirks in the story telling. All good.
It was the book about a disease in Canada. Snowy weather. Your response was that it was well written but you weren't interested contextually. Along those lines. XD

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#406

ArthurScott Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote: I've actually review-swapped with you on ScribbleHub, I'm pretty sure. And I've entered in the same thread, IDK if you remember me haha. 

Anyway, I'm down for this! Link is here!
Mmm. I've done like three review swaps in my life and only one on Scirbblehub and I don't remember you. I looked through your stories posted here, did you have something there that you didn't upload here? Like a typical Joseph Campbell fantasy? Anywho

Would keep reading. 

That was quite nice. I didn't find the whole amenesiatic start to be very gripping or interesting, but everything was solid and I think the base premise seemed fun. Granted, I'm a sucker for those "games where one person can win stories," and I'm doing one myself lol. So yeah, good all around could just maybe use some setup structurally, unless you intend to do it out of order with flashbacks or what have you. Cool cover too.
It's the guy that did FROST (I changed the cover of the story so that's probably why you don't remember). 


I assume by structure you mean a prologue etc? Like something before? Surprised
What was frost about. . . 

Actually disregard that. I was considering it using other structures and was ignoring that amnesia had some unique quirks in the story telling. All good.
It was the book about a disease in Canada. Snowy weather. Your response was that it was well written but you weren't interested contextually. Along those lines. XD
You sure it wasn't a first chapter feedback like this thread?

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#407

StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
ArthurScott Wrote: I've actually review-swapped with you on ScribbleHub, I'm pretty sure. And I've entered in the same thread, IDK if you remember me haha. 

Anyway, I'm down for this! Link is here!
Mmm. I've done like three review swaps in my life and only one on Scirbblehub and I don't remember you. I looked through your stories posted here, did you have something there that you didn't upload here? Like a typical Joseph Campbell fantasy? Anywho

Would keep reading. 

That was quite nice. I didn't find the whole amenesiatic start to be very gripping or interesting, but everything was solid and I think the base premise seemed fun. Granted, I'm a sucker for those "games where one person can win stories," and I'm doing one myself lol. So yeah, good all around could just maybe use some setup structurally, unless you intend to do it out of order with flashbacks or what have you. Cool cover too.
It's the guy that did FROST (I changed the cover of the story so that's probably why you don't remember). 


I assume by structure you mean a prologue etc? Like something before? Surprised
What was frost about. . . 

Actually disregard that. I was considering it using other structures and was ignoring that amnesia had some unique quirks in the story telling. All good.
It was the book about a disease in Canada. Snowy weather. Your response was that it was well written but you weren't interested contextually. Along those lines. XD
You sure it wasn't a first chapter feedback like this thread?
That's what I mean yeah. It was from the same thread but on ScribbleHub :)

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#409

Gibbs505 Wrote: Could you give my book, "Ti Lepus Dies" a look, thank you!
This one is sort of middle of the road for me with nothing really hooking me, so would not keep reading. 

There's not a lot to say here. The writing style is slightly stilted with a few moments that made me say "what". But then the one citation you have is hilarious and I love that energy. If the rest of the writing had that sense of humor I'd be on board. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#414

Monus Wrote: If you are still accepting applicants, I would be super grateful, if you were to check out "Accidentally Smithing".

Basically, a LitRPG + Isekai where you get a class auto-assigned. The MC ends up with the Smith class and is kinda bumped out about it.

You can find it in the signature. Thanks so much either way.
Would not keep reading. (I read chapter 0 since structurally that is the first chapter of a portal fantasy and not a prologue) 

It was fine, but it was fine in a genre that everyone and their mother writes in. The prose was rough and distracted from the story, but the whole lucid dreaming angle was a nice breath of fresh air. Together they kind of just canceled out and it was average. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#415

Astra Wrote: Hi there.
I really need a first chapter feedback.
If you're fine with it please check my new story.
Link in the signature.
Thank you in advance.
Would not keep reading. 

You have a bunch of sci fi stuff which is great and what you would want from something like this. BUTTTTTT in terms of actual plot and writing, you hit every cliche in the book. Wake up, check. Take a shower, check. Go to school, check. Friend taps you on the shoulder, check. The only interesting thing was starting with a graduation, that COULD be good. But your MC just sits there and we get an info dump. 

Decent hook at the end, solid writing style, and decent sci fi schmultz, but everything that got us there was like a checklist of every amateur mistake. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#417

Astra Wrote: Thank you for the input.
This is the right kind of opinion that I need.


I'd like to amend one bit and say once we get to the graduation everything was solid at that point. I was probably being too harsh by saying it was an "info dump". That part is dry, but conceptually I'm okay with it.  

If I were to offer advice, maybe make the first half about your cast of character together so we get some comradery and build up and then establish that the one character is going to give a speech and is nervous about it? Or they help her out with it? Something more interconnected that adds weight to the dry part and creates investment in it. 

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#418

StgBria Wrote:
Monus Wrote: If you are still accepting applicants, I would be super grateful, if you were to check out "Accidentally Smithing".

Basically, a LitRPG + Isekai where you get a class auto-assigned. The MC ends up with the Smith class and is kinda bumped out about it.

You can find it in the signature. Thanks so much either way.
Would not keep reading. (I read chapter 0 since structurally that is the first chapter of a portal fantasy and not a prologue) 

It was fine, but it was fine in a genre that everyone and their mother writes in. The prose was rough and distracted from the story, but the whole lucid dreaming angle was a nice breath of fresh air. Together they kind of just canceled out and it was average.
 Thank you for the feedback. Could you clarify on what specific issues there are with the prose or is it the overall sentencestructure and story flow?

I really appreciate it either way!

Re: Free First Chapter Feedback!

#420

Monus Wrote:
StgBria Wrote:
Monus Wrote: If you are still accepting applicants, I would be super grateful, if you were to check out "Accidentally Smithing".

Basically, a LitRPG + Isekai where you get a class auto-assigned. The MC ends up with the Smith class and is kinda bumped out about it.

You can find it in the signature. Thanks so much either way.
Would not keep reading. (I read chapter 0 since structurally that is the first chapter of a portal fantasy and not a prologue) 

It was fine, but it was fine in a genre that everyone and their mother writes in. The prose was rough and distracted from the story, but the whole lucid dreaming angle was a nice breath of fresh air. Together they kind of just canceled out and it was average.
 Thank you for the feedback. Could you clarify on what specific issues there are with the prose or is it the overall sentencestructure and story flow?

I really appreciate it either way!
  
   Nik sat in his dorm room and was doing two things. He had been doing them for the last 2 hours. The first thing he was doing was waiting, for the postal delivery service to arrive and deliver the replacement chipset for his phone. The other was recommended to him by his dorm roomee.

   Lucid dreaming. Well, more like doing training exercises to learn lucid dreaming.

   Max, his roommate, had been talking about that for the last hour before he left for home. It was just the newest thing Max had to try and it could be worse. He could be buying “Healing Crystals” or drink “Crystal infused water”. He apparently had his first real lucid dream the last night and went to dinner with some celebrity. Nik had stopped paying attention at that point, but the idea had lingered in his mind for a while.


  
  Okay so you're first paragraph reads like a parody. You somehow expand out a single idea into four extremely repetitive sentences. How about "For the past two hours, Nik had waited for the postal service while attempting to lucid dream. His roomate had recommended. . . . ."

 " It was just the newest thing Max had to try and it could be worse."  This is 90% filler words. What are you even communicating here. 

He could be buying “Healing Crystals” or drink “Crystal infused water”. *Drinking. And this is kind of an incomplete thought on it's own. You get the meaning where it's placed but it's awkward. 

He apparently had his first real lucid dream the last night and went to dinner with some celebrity.  Don't use the word apparently. The narrator perspective should know it or not. As a general rule, just don't use apparently unless it's in dialogue. It does not belong in descriptive language. 

"Nik had stopped paying attention at that point, but the idea had lingered in his mind for a while." Not sure what this is even talking about. paying attention when his friend was talking? 

So there you go. I can pull something from pretty much any sentence that is just off.