Re: Help with my blurb

#1
Hey everyone, I've been struggling with my blurb for a while. I've tried to redo it and would like some feedback.

For reference, this is the current blurb, which is probably too long:
Quote:Life in a different world has its challenges, even if it’s the life you’re supposed to lead.
I’m an ordinary grad student, until I wake up in a world brimming with qi. But I’m not the only transmigrator, and they say I went on a soul journey that involved reincarnating on Earth. Too bad I don’t remember this world I’m supposed to come from, where I’m a princess.
Now, I’m a cultivator, have power, and there’s a world of magic to research. But I’m never going to see my family on Earth again. I can’t even be sure of my own identity.
And being the heir to an Empire can be a heavy burden. Especially if you feel the need to make the world a better place (and well-intentioned megalomania is completely ethical, thank you!).
Now, I have to deal with a scarily awesome mother who’s hiding things, a special ability, and other issues, in a world built on magical technology and the strength of your cultivation. And I think someone is after me, but I don’t know who or why.


Then, here's my new attempt. A few times, I'm unsure how best to word things, so there are several options. Please let me know what you think.
Quote:Returning to a previous life she doesn’t remember, Tori wakes up in / transmigrates to a fantasy world. One where magic called cultivation rules, and she’s the heir to an Empire. Between research and kickstarting an industrialization, she has to deal with a family of transmigrators, politics, (war,) and spirits. Maybe she’ll even figure out why some of them keep / who keeps trying to kill her / wants her dead.


Also, I currently have this note beneath the actual blurb, but I've been considering whether I should move it or parts of it to the author's note on the first chapter.
Quote:Note: This is a slightly tongue-in-cheek take on a transmigration/cultivation novel. The world is a mix of Eastern and Western fantasy. The story will be more focused on characters than action. A few characters, including the MC, are LGBT+. Expect some moderate cursing and gore.
Updates: Mon. - Thu.

I should probably cut or move the 'The world is a mix of Eastern and Western fantasy. The story will be more focused on characters than action.' part, right?

Re: Help with my blurb

#2
EDIT: I'm not an expert by any means- someone may have a better suggestion for you. Saying that, I've not changed much, just had a little tidy/play around. 😇


I agree that the first one was a bit long winded, and think your second attempt is a much punchier version. I played around with it- I liked one sentence in particular that was in your OG blurb, and moved it at the end of your new one. How do you think it flows?

Where you talk about what she deals with- the family, politics, war and spirits, I see you put WAR in ( ). I feel you should have 3 of those 4, but not knowing about what you've written nor what the main themes are, I wasn't sure which one to suggest removing. Is WAR therefore the most expendable one? 

Quote:Returning to a previous life she doesn’t remember, Tori wakes up in a fantasy world as the heir to an empire. One where magic called cultivation rules. Whilst kickstarting an industrialization, she has to deal with a family of transmigrators, politics, (war,) and spirits. Maybe she’ll even figure out why some of them keep trying to kill her.
Life in a different world has its challenges, even if it’s the life you’re supposed to lead.

This is a slightly tongue-in-cheek take on a transmigration/cultivation novel where East meets West. The story will be more focused on characters than action. A few characters, including the MC, are LGBT+.

Updates: Mon & Thurs 


The underlined part could be taken out as a whole perhaps, and included in the author notes. I'm not too sure what is the best with that. It could probably be moved. I suppose it depends on if you think the reader needs to know it and at what point they need to know it before they read on. 


I get why you have, but I do think it's a shame that you feel you have to let people know there are LGBT+ characters. I'm just speaking generally, and not specifically at you. Being LGBT myself, it seems backwards to include it as a forewarning. Regardless, I think if you tag it as profanity and gore, you don't need to again mention it. In my author's ramblings at the very beginning of my series, I provided justifications for my use of the gore/profanity/traumatising content tags in there. 

Re: Help with my blurb

#3
Thanks for your feedback!

I agree it flows much better now. I'll probably cut the 'war' and keep it like that.
Not sure about the underlined part, but I think I'll keep it in the blurb.

EnhancedBeing Wrote: I get why you have, but I do think it's a shame that you feel you have to let people know there are LGBT+ characters. I'm just speaking generally, and not specifically at you. Being LGBT myself, it seems backwards to include it as a forewarning.

I see what you mean, but I didn't really think of it as a warning. Maybe it comes off that way since it's in the same section as the actual content warning. But there's no tag for it and the best way of looking for LGBT stories is searching for the word, which goes by the synopsis, I think, so I wanted to include it there.
EnhancedBeing Wrote: Regardless, I think if you tag it as profanity and gore, you don't need to again mention it. In my author's ramblings at the very beginning of my series, I provided justifications for my use of the gore/profanity/traumatising content tags in there.

I haven't actually tagged the story as Profanity and Gore, since they're pretty mild and I don't think the tags are warranted. But I guess I could still put that in the notes of the first chapter.
Thanks again!

Re: Help with my blurb

#4

Tejoka Wrote: I see what you mean, but I didn't really think of it as a warning. Maybe it comes off that way since it's in the same section as the actual content warning. But there's no tag for it and the best way of looking for LGBT stories is searching for the word, which goes by the synopsis, I think, so I wanted to include it there.

I haven't actually tagged the story as Profanity and Gore, since they're pretty mild and I don't think the tags are warranted. But I guess I could still put that in the notes of the first chapter.
Thanks again!



Ohhh, I'm with you (re: LGBT mention) That makes sense then. Apologies, I just thought it was because some people have said in the past that they've had negative comments when a LGBT character was sprung on them and there was no 'warning' of it, and I think that that is so sad that it is a thing. But that's not the case here, so as you were.  😊🤟🌈

I think the best thing in regards to the mature tags is to have it tagged even if it's only mentioned in one chapter. I don't have a lot of it at all, but have tagged it just in case. Then in my justification, I just explain that it's never an in-your-face-all-the-time kinda thing. When it does come up, in the particular chapter's pre-chapter notes I say if there is going to be one of those things happening.  


Re: Help with my blurb

#5

Quote:Tori wakes up in / transmigrates to a fantasy world. One where magic called cultivation rules, and she’s the heir to an Empire. Between research and kickstarting an industrialization, she has to deal with a family of transmigrators, politics, (war,) and spirits. Maybe she’ll even figure out why some of them keep / who keeps trying to kill her / wants her dead.




Waking in a strange bed? Disconcerting.  Waking in a different body? Words fail.  When Tori woke up in a body that could do things that she didn't remember, it was in a strange bed AND a strange world.   Graced with magical powers she can't control and faced with magical threats, her instincts are wrong here.  Caught in tangled web of Imperial politics, heir apparent to the Empress, she faces unknown enemies, political backstabbing, potential war, and even the spirits may have an agenda.  It may be the life her body was born for, but how is she supposed to deal with this? 

A bit outside what you proposed, but perhaps helpful?

Re: Help with my blurb

#6
EnhancedBeing Wrote: I think the best thing in regards to the mature tags is to have it tagged even if it's only mentioned in one chapter. I don't have a lot of it at all, but have tagged it just in case. Then in my justification, I just explain that it's never an in-your-face-all-the-time kinda thing. When it does come up, in the particular chapter's pre-chapter notes I say if there is going to be one of those things happening.

Regarding tags, I'm a little hesitant since I think it might give the wrong impression. The descriptions of the tags seem to aim at more extreme content.  'Excessive or obscene swearing and cursing' and 'Descriptive violence or gore, with vivid details of mutilated bodies or similar, potentially disturbing content.'
Well, I actually thought it was going to be worse when I started writing the story. But I haven't even dropped an f-word, only milder words like 'shit', and even that only rarely. Doesn't seem excessive or obscene. And there are no descriptions of mutilated body parts or something. And it's not like it's concentrated in one chapter.

gej302 Wrote: Waking in a strange bed? Disconcerting.  Waking in a different body? Words fail.  When Tori woke up in a body that could do things that she didn't remember, it was in a strange bed AND a strange world.  Graced with magical powers she can't control and faced with magical threats, her instincts are wrong here.  Caught in tangled web of Imperial politics, heir apparent to the Empress, she faces unknown enemies, political backstabbing, potential war, and even the spirits may have an agenda.  It may be the life her body was born for, but how is she supposed to deal with this?

A bit outside what you proposed, but perhaps helpful?

Thanks!

It doesn't quite fit, since the transmigration is actually not that horrible for her and she even gets some instincts along with the body.
But your version is definitely more exciting. I'll see if I can incorporate some of it.

Re: Help with my blurb

#8

Tejoka Wrote:
EnhancedBeing Wrote: I think the best thing in regards to the mature tags is to have it tagged even if it's only mentioned in one chapter. I don't have a lot of it at all, but have tagged it just in case. Then in my justification, I just explain that it's never an in-your-face-all-the-time kinda thing. When it does come up, in the particular chapter's pre-chapter notes I say if there is going to be one of those things happening.

Regarding tags, I'm a little hesitant since I think it might give the wrong impression. The descriptions of the tags seem to aim at more extreme content.  'Excessive or obscene swearing and cursing' and 'Descriptive violence or gore, with vivid details of mutilated bodies or similar, potentially disturbing content.'
Well, I actually thought it was going to be worse when I started writing the story. But I haven't even dropped an f-word, only milder words like 'shit', and even that only rarely. Doesn't seem excessive or obscene. And there are no descriptions of mutilated body parts or something. And it's not like it's concentrated in one chapter.



No, I get you completely. I had those same thoughts. I kinda prefer a more chapter by chapter tagging than a whole thing. I only went off what it has on the FAQs, but if someone else can shed light on it then that might be helpful.
  • Mature Content: Only if a chapter is tagged appropriately [Gore, Profanity, Sexual Content, Traumatising] can it include mature content.
And on the basis that we can't necessarily tag chapters, I tagged the whole thing. 🤷‍♂️

Re: Help with my blurb

#10
(Sorry for the double post, I only saw your post after I'd posted.)

EnhancedBeing Wrote: I kinda prefer a more chapter by chapter tagging than a whole thing. I only went off what it has on the FAQs, but if someone else can shed light on it then that might be helpful.

    Mature Content: Only if a chapter is tagged appropriately [Gore, Profanity, Sexual Content, Traumatising] can it include mature content.

And on the basis that we can't necessarily tag chapters, I tagged the whole thing. 🤷‍♂️

Yes, chapter by chapter tagging would be great! Especially if you could see which or how often the tags are used in the story overall.

Re: Help with my blurb

#11
Tejoka Wrote: Yes, chapter by chapter tagging would be great! Especially if you could see which or how often the tags are used in the story overall.


Yesss! There could be a little P in a box, a T in a box a G in a box and an S in a box each with their own colours next to each little chapter name depending on the content. Then as a reader when you look through a list of chapters, you see the boxes scattered about, with maybe the culture of understanding that if there's no boxes at all, then it's a 'clean' read.

It sounds like a lot of work though.