Chapter One Analysis: Erik's Epic
- The story has an actual premise! There is so much you could do with a futuristic setting! Since no one knows the future you can do all kinds of silly nonsense in your story and make it work! I do it in mine!
- Your character has potential! He is a half human, half robot machine. I would love to learn more about him!
- You didn't tell us enough about your story's premise, and setting. That is okay, a lot of author's do that, but you need to elaborate more. How did Erik meet these doctors? There's many chapters right from the one question, of how Erik met them and would get his body supplanted with weapons and armor.
- You need to double check your grammar and spelling.
- You need proper word choice.
Quote:When he was 14, he concluded that he needed to learn stuff, actually important stuff. Like electronics, physics, neurology, science, and the future.
And with the help of google and some unorthodox means, he learned lots, more than even most studious adults knew, and with his imaginative, and creative brain, he was going to put his knowledge to use.
So you instead could write this.
Quote:At the age of fourteen, Erik concluded that he needed to become smarter and stronger. He liked electronics, physics, neurology, and science. He wanted to know how they would affect the future. Erik wanted to master them all and spent much of his time doing research, applying his knowledge to everyday life. His imagination helped him as well, giving him incredible and marvelous ideas on how to use his knowledge to become as intelligent and powerful as he wanted to be.
The example I gave uses more descriptive language! It makes us know more about him: that Erik is smart, and he is ambitious. The grammar and word choice are more exact. I suggest you keep writing to get better, experience is the best cure! I highly suggest putting a minimum requirement on paragraphs of four sentences.
The first sentence in my paragraph still gets the main point across of the original, while the sentences in the middle are descriptive, and the last sentence of the paragraph ties everything together.
Imagine a paragraph as a delicious sandwich! All the good stuff is in the middle!
Chapter Two Analysis: Erik vs The Gremlins
- Characterization. I can tell what kind of person is, or at least get an idea of who Erik is from the way he talks
- Gremlins. Monsters are cool.
- Vibro-Blade. What is this? I want to know more!
- So much potential but you don't tell me enough! What does the Vibro-Blade look like?
- Tell us more about the Gremlins and Eva. What do they look like?
- Improper punctuation.
For example in chapter two, you wrote this.
Quote:It was just a bunch of gremlins, luckily. These 5 foot nothing stone skinned bio weapons one of the factions made. They breed like rats and are strong enough to throw a full grown man a few feet.
I cannot tell if Erik is thinking this, saying this, or if there is a narrator saying this. Proper punctuation does wonders. I like to italicize the thoughts of my characters when they think, to make it more obvious. Some don't do that, and simply put, "he thought", or "she wondered. Here is how I suggest you fix your punctuation.
Quote:It was just a bunch of gremlins, luckily, Erik thought. These five-foot nothing, stone skinned bio weapons one of the factions made breed like rats and are strong enough to throw a full grown man a few feet.
I italicized his thoughts, and used Erik thought, to emphasize it was a thought to make it clear to the reader! I changed the punctuation of the last part to make it more concise!
If you want help with writing, you can message me, and I would love to help whenever I'm free! I'm always free anyway!