Re: First chapter review swap?

#1
Pro:

1. Your choice of tags will turn off a number of readers. How can your story be both hard sci-fi and high fantasy?

2. The word use and phrasing is off. "One thousand years ago humanity was made desolate," doesn't make much sense given what we're then told about the fate of humanity. "Within its depths smile two halcyon eyes, one stained red and the other bright and clear." When used as a descriptor, 'halcyon' means peaceful or idyllic.

It's fine if these are deliberate misuses of words for an artistic purpose, but the rest of the writing doesn't make me confident enough in the author to assume that's the case.

3. It's a nice, punchy prologue that sets up the backstory and presumably the ongoing conflict. I do like that it's short.

Chapt 1:

This is much better than your prologue. Vivid imagery, solid descriptions, and an interesting starting point. I'd smooth over your English if I were your editor, but you show a solid handle on the language.

The conversation between King and Z flows nicely and you get a good sense of the world they live in and their mindsets. I worry that King's attitude will be off-putting to some readers, but that's always an issue with more dark/gritty fair.

You talk about it being 'campy,' and it doesn't come off that way. Be aware that readers who follow or favorite you will probably not see this as a camp story but serious horror/post-apoc.

Re: First chapter review swap?

#3

RowanCarver Wrote: Oh, wow thanks you went ahead and read it? what do I owe you in return?

I haven't made line edits yet because I'm trying to lay it down and nail macro...so I do appreciate your critique. I'm bad about laying down thoughts that don't make sense and then forgetting to go back and cleaning them up. Perhaps 'One thousand years ago we experienced the devastation of mankind" or I don't know...I struggle with that because it's hard not to sound cliche. But perhaps the concept is cliche and I have to roll with it and put my cards on original concepts later in the story.

I would prefer it to be seen as more serious than campy, but on this other site I was on the story was ridiculed a bit and taken as a saitre, so I started saying that it was I guess? I started apologizing for it...it does have silly parts, but overall, I'd like it to be seen as something gritty and mysterious. Thank you for reading and I'll take your critique into consideration...especially when I go back for line edits



Yes, I read it. I even enjoyed it, which surprised me.

Owe me? If you have a cat or dog, you are required to give them some pets. Pets are important.

Yeah, I can tell. Honestly, it's better that you're in that more loose and expressive mindset while writing. The moments where you say something odd are minor to the ones where you say something vivid or original.

Re: First chapter review swap?

#7

gwunders Wrote: I'm in! I have two stories atm. Songs of the Second Apocalypse is post-apoc sci fi and Frostfall is epic/dark fantasy. Either one would be fine by me, though Songs is a bit more unique in its style. 

I'll get on yours today!



your apocalypse story sounds hella cool. I'm sucker for apocalyptic fiction (I read and write it!) Would you want to do a review swap? I post my short stories, so they're fairly short (2k-10k words, depending on the story).

Re: First chapter review swap?

#8

RowanCarver Wrote:
AliceBSullivan Wrote: Hey! I just posted part one of my post-apocalyptic romance short story a few days ago (1100ish words) and would love to do a chapter 1/part 1 review swap with you! Link to Destination: Tomorrow is in my signature.

I'll give yours a read ASAP!


Sounds good! mine is also post-apoc but not romance in any way. I'd love to do an exchange



Awesome! Thank you so much!

Re: First chapter review swap?

#9

RowanCarver Wrote:
AliceBSullivan Wrote: Hey! I just posted part one of my post-apocalyptic romance short story a few days ago (1100ish words) and would love to do a chapter 1/part 1 review swap with you! Link to Destination: Tomorrow is in my signature.

I'll give yours a read ASAP!


Sounds good! mine is also post-apoc but not romance in any way. I'd love to do an exchange



Went ahead and read chapter one and dealt the review! Good start to the story, I must say.

Re: First chapter review swap?

#10

RowanCarver Wrote: Hi, I am a new author here and would like to get a feel for the community and how you give feedback. I have my prologue and the first chapter posted and was wondering if anyone would like to do a feedback exchange. I'm respectful and I love reading any genre. I have a minor in literature and experience writing for work and I've taken several master classes from published authors, so perhaps I can offer something useful in exchange. My story is very much under construction and in the drafting phase so any feedback on the beginning is greatly appreciated, I would like to know if it seems interesting or if it all just sounds really dumb, since I'm sort of making it campy and dramatic and fun on purpose.

I'm working full time and super busy, so please forgive me if it takes me a few days to pay you back, but I will get to all of them.

here is the link to my story

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/39302/king-eden-volume-i



hey! I know you might be busy, but just wanted to make sure the review swap was still good? I went ahead a read/reviewed your first chapter. I hope you're well! Have a good day or night!

Re: First chapter review swap?

#11
Honestly your prologue and first chapter sound very interesting. A bit confusing at times but that is to expected from a story that is written well and does not include dumb info dumps. I am intrigued to read the rest of the story and learn if the people of Mars have actual good intentions like they try to show in the prologue or if they really are evil like the mc believes. I am also curious about the infections and also the ranks that some people seem to have. One thing I am curious is if only women hold power in this post apocalyptic world (with the countess, empress and the female mc who is labeled the king) and if so what the reason behind that is.

Though I have two stories up on the site those are currently on hiatus and I am not worried about the first chapters for either of those to be analyzed. I am currently writing a new story which will be my main and most likely the first story I finish. However, it is not yet posted on the site and will not be until I am further into the story since I want a good stock pile of chapters as a buffer before upload. When I do post the story I do hope you can check out the first chapter and let me know what you think. 

I am not a trained writer at all and all that I have learned came from trial and error when writing my first two stories that are on this site. So please be kind when you do read my story and anyways thanks in advance. Now back to your book so I can delve deeper into this interesting story you are creating.  

Re: First chapter review swap?

#13

RowanCarver Wrote:
AliceBSullivan Wrote:
RowanCarver Wrote: Hi, I am a new author here and would like to get a feel for the community and how you give feedback. I have my prologue and the first chapter posted and was wondering if anyone would like to do a feedback exchange. I'm respectful and I love reading any genre. I have a minor in literature and experience writing for work and I've taken several master classes from published authors, so perhaps I can offer something useful in exchange. My story is very much under construction and in the drafting phase so any feedback on the beginning is greatly appreciated, I would like to know if it seems interesting or if it all just sounds really dumb, since I'm sort of making it campy and dramatic and fun on purpose.

I'm working full time and super busy, so please forgive me if it takes me a few days to pay you back, but I will get to all of them.

here is the link to my story

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/39302/king-eden-volume-i



hey! I know you might be busy, but just wanted to make sure the review swap was still good? I went ahead a read/reviewed your first chapter. I hope you're well! Have a good day or night!


Oh my god I'm so sorry, I've just been out of my mind busy lately. I will get to it after work tonight!



Hey, it's no problem at all!  peoapproval

Re: First chapter review swap?

#15

RowanCarver Wrote: Hi, I am a new author here and would like to get a feel for the community and how you give feedback. I have my prologue and the first chapter posted and was wondering if anyone would like to do a feedback exchange. I'm respectful and I love reading any genre. I have a minor in literature and experience writing for work and I've taken several master classes from published authors, so perhaps I can offer something useful in exchange. My story is very much under construction and in the drafting phase so any feedback on the beginning is greatly appreciated, I would like to know if it seems interesting or if it all just sounds really dumb, since I'm sort of making it campy and dramatic and fun on purpose.

I'm working full time and super busy, so please forgive me if it takes me a few days to pay you back, but I will get to all of them.

here is the link to my story

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/39302/king-eden-volume-i



Hey! Thanks so much for the review! I didn't know you were a fan of zombies! That's awesome. Zombie fiction is my favorite genre to write, and if you're looking for more zombie content, my stories Symbiosis (zombie-esque) and Return (zombies) could strike your fancy! I also have my microfiction collection of 4 zombie-related microfiction pieces, unrelated to each other.

Anyway, thanks for the review! (:

Re: First chapter review swap?

#16

RowanCarver Wrote: Hi, I am a new author here and would like to get a feel for the community and how you give feedback. I have my prologue and the first chapter posted and was wondering if anyone would like to do a feedback exchange. I'm respectful and I love reading any genre. I have a minor in literature and experience writing for work and I've taken several master classes from published authors, so perhaps I can offer something useful in exchange. My story is very much under construction and in the drafting phase so any feedback on the beginning is greatly appreciated, I would like to know if it seems interesting or if it all just sounds really dumb, since I'm sort of making it campy and dramatic and fun on purpose.

I'm working full time and super busy, so please forgive me if it takes me a few days to pay you back, but I will get to all of them.

here is the link to my story

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/39302/king-eden-volume-i

Oh cool, someone who's also studying literature for school! As a fellow newbie on this site, I'm really excited to meet you and see what your writing style is like. 


While I haven't uploaded my original novel chapters yet, I have a fanfiction I'd like you to read. I wrote it specifically so no prior knowledge of the fandom should be necessary; and having some outside opinion, by someone who isn't blinded by fandom-love/nostalgia, would be greatly appreciated! 

Here's the link: The Tokyo Trap | Royal Road

Re: First chapter review swap?

#18

RowanCarver Wrote:
Jon Wrote: Thanks for the review!

Yes I love your characters voice and the way your described all the monsters in the paintings, I thought the lore was really creative! I'm so sorry it took me so long


No problem there was no rush, I am glad you liked that stuff, and I plan to fix up the stuff you pointed out at a later date after finishing the book. (most likely then) Anyways thanks again it was a pleasant surprise when I go on today.


Re: First chapter review swap?

#20
Prologue:

I thought the prologue was executed very well. I like the set up. My initial thoughts while reading the prologue was that the prose was a little melodramatic and preachy, but once it was revealed that it was a transmission from Mars it made perfect sense. Good way to dump some info while still having some action to set the tone for the story. 

Chapter 1:
Interesting story and very well written. You add a lot of descriptive details. This makes the story slower paced and a bit harder to follow, but also makes it richer, which I personally appreciate. My biggest criticism in the first chapter is that because it is in the first person perspective, I would expect that fact that the MC's kid is in danger to be more prominent in the Chapter. It felt a little odd to me that it took so long for Z's mind to get there. 

I thought it was a great start and I will definitely read on a bit more.

Here is my story when you get a chance:
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/40268/our-minds-endlessly-spin