Re: First chapter review swap?

#1
Hi, I am a new author here and would like to get a feel for the community and how you give feedback. I have my prologue and the first chapter posted and was wondering if anyone would like to do a feedback exchange. I'm respectful and I love reading any genre. I have a minor in literature and experience writing for work and I've taken several master classes from published authors, so perhaps I can offer something useful in exchange. My story is very much under construction and in the drafting phase so any feedback on the beginning is greatly appreciated, I would like to know if it seems interesting or if it all just sounds really dumb, since I'm sort of making it campy and dramatic and fun on purpose.

I'm working full time and super busy, so please forgive me if it takes me a few days to pay you back, but I will get to all of them.

here is the link to my story

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/39302/king-eden-volume-i

Re: First chapter review swap?

#2
Pro:

1. Your choice of tags will turn off a number of readers. How can your story be both hard sci-fi and high fantasy?

2. The word use and phrasing is off. "One thousand years ago humanity was made desolate," doesn't make much sense given what we're then told about the fate of humanity. "Within its depths smile two halcyon eyes, one stained red and the other bright and clear." When used as a descriptor, 'halcyon' means peaceful or idyllic.

It's fine if these are deliberate misuses of words for an artistic purpose, but the rest of the writing doesn't make me confident enough in the author to assume that's the case.

3. It's a nice, punchy prologue that sets up the backstory and presumably the ongoing conflict. I do like that it's short.

Chapt 1:

This is much better than your prologue. Vivid imagery, solid descriptions, and an interesting starting point. I'd smooth over your English if I were your editor, but you show a solid handle on the language.

The conversation between King and Z flows nicely and you get a good sense of the world they live in and their mindsets. I worry that King's attitude will be off-putting to some readers, but that's always an issue with more dark/gritty fair.

You talk about it being 'campy,' and it doesn't come off that way. Be aware that readers who follow or favorite you will probably not see this as a camp story but serious horror/post-apoc.

Re: First chapter review swap?

#3

SJ Wrote: Pro:

1. Your choice of tags will turn off a number of readers. How can your story be both hard sci-fi and high fantasy?

2. The word use and phrasing is off. "One thousand years ago humanity was made desolate," doesn't make much sense given what we're then told about the fate of humanity. "Within its depths smile two halcyon eyes, one stained red and the other bright and clear." When used as a descriptor, 'halcyon' means peaceful or idyllic.

It's fine if these are deliberate misuses of words for an artistic purpose, but the rest of the writing doesn't make me confident enough in the author to assume that's the case.

3. It's a nice, punchy prologue that sets up the backstory and presumably the ongoing conflict. I do like that it's short.

Chapt 1:

This is much better than your prologue. Vivid imagery, solid descriptions, and an interesting starting point. I'd smooth over your English if I were your editor, but you show a solid handle on the language.

The conversation between King and Z flows nicely and you get a good sense of the world they live in and their mindsets. I worry that King's attitude will be off-putting to some readers, but that's always an issue with more dark/gritty fair.

You talk about it being 'campy,' and it doesn't come off that way. Be aware that readers who follow or favorite you will probably not see this as a camp story but serious horror/post-apoc.




__________

Oh, wow thanks you went ahead and read it? what do I owe you in return?
I haven't made line edits yet because I'm trying to lay it down and nail macro...so I do appreciate your critique. I'm bad about laying down thoughts that don't make sense and then forgetting to go back and cleaning them up. Perhaps 'One thousand years ago we experienced the devastation of mankind" or I don't know...I struggle with that because it's hard not to sound cliche. But perhaps the concept is cliche and I have to roll with it and put my cards on original concepts later in the story.

I would prefer it to be seen as more serious than campy, but on this other site I was on the story was ridiculed a bit and taken as a saitre, so I started saying that it was I guess? I started apologizing for it...it does have silly parts, but overall, I'd like it to be seen as something gritty and mysterious. Thank you for reading and I'll take your critique into consideration...especially when I go back for line edits


Re: First chapter review swap?

#5

RowanCarver Wrote: Oh, wow thanks you went ahead and read it? what do I owe you in return?

I haven't made line edits yet because I'm trying to lay it down and nail macro...so I do appreciate your critique. I'm bad about laying down thoughts that don't make sense and then forgetting to go back and cleaning them up. Perhaps 'One thousand years ago we experienced the devastation of mankind" or I don't know...I struggle with that because it's hard not to sound cliche. But perhaps the concept is cliche and I have to roll with it and put my cards on original concepts later in the story.

I would prefer it to be seen as more serious than campy, but on this other site I was on the story was ridiculed a bit and taken as a saitre, so I started saying that it was I guess? I started apologizing for it...it does have silly parts, but overall, I'd like it to be seen as something gritty and mysterious. Thank you for reading and I'll take your critique into consideration...especially when I go back for line edits



Yes, I read it. I even enjoyed it, which surprised me.

Owe me? If you have a cat or dog, you are required to give them some pets. Pets are important.

Yeah, I can tell. Honestly, it's better that you're in that more loose and expressive mindset while writing. The moments where you say something odd are minor to the ones where you say something vivid or original.

Re: First chapter review swap?

#7

AliceBSullivan Wrote: Hey! I just posted part one of my post-apocalyptic romance short story a few days ago (1100ish words) and would love to do a chapter 1/part 1 review swap with you! Link to Destination: Tomorrow is in my signature.

I'll give yours a read ASAP!


Sounds good! mine is also post-apoc but not romance in any way. I'd love to do an exchange


Re: First chapter review swap?

#10

ArthurScott Wrote: I can do a 1st chapter review swap but would you mind either reading my short prologue and chapter one or just chapter one? Thank you :)

Mine is "Amongst The Sky".

I also took masterclasses with a published author, though, I have to wait a bit before I do my English degree because of COVID-19. XD


Sure I would love to! I'll add you to my list. Good luck with your degree :) I wanted to major in english but ended up in heavy equipment...not sure how that happened


Re: First chapter review swap?

#12

gwunders Wrote: I'm in! I have two stories atm. Songs of the Second Apocalypse is post-apoc sci fi and Frostfall is epic/dark fantasy. Either one would be fine by me, though Songs is a bit more unique in its style. 

I'll get on yours today!



your apocalypse story sounds hella cool. I'm sucker for apocalyptic fiction (I read and write it!) Would you want to do a review swap? I post my short stories, so they're fairly short (2k-10k words, depending on the story).

Re: First chapter review swap?

#13

RowanCarver Wrote:
AliceBSullivan Wrote: Hey! I just posted part one of my post-apocalyptic romance short story a few days ago (1100ish words) and would love to do a chapter 1/part 1 review swap with you! Link to Destination: Tomorrow is in my signature.

I'll give yours a read ASAP!


Sounds good! mine is also post-apoc but not romance in any way. I'd love to do an exchange



Awesome! Thank you so much!

Re: First chapter review swap?

#14

RowanCarver Wrote:
AliceBSullivan Wrote: Hey! I just posted part one of my post-apocalyptic romance short story a few days ago (1100ish words) and would love to do a chapter 1/part 1 review swap with you! Link to Destination: Tomorrow is in my signature.

I'll give yours a read ASAP!


Sounds good! mine is also post-apoc but not romance in any way. I'd love to do an exchange



Went ahead and read chapter one and dealt the review! Good start to the story, I must say.