Re: Feedback on my book so far

#3
I'll look at the entry information since that is probably where you are losing all your viewers.  

The blurb is spoilery.  "the key to it all may be someone who doesn't quite fit. "  You want people to enter your fiction with their imaginations on fire.  Plot spoilers kill their imagination.  

If you cut the spoiler, then I'd give the blurb a "don't hate it, but don't like it either".  There is nothing I consider as a real draw into the fiction.  It sounds like a pretty generic plot without gimmicks.  Which is where you lose me.  I like gimmicks and I hate generic.  

The first sentence is such a long run-on that I have trouble figuring out the meaning behind it.  Are you saying "The students came to the MMO-like world on their own, but are tricked after arriving" or are you saying "The students are tricked into entering the MMO-like world."  People want the blurb to be as straight-forward as humanly possible.  Once the fiction starts, they will ease up on the details, but right now they are going to shoot you for literally anything.  

You need the blurb to be concise and as simply worded as possible.  Don't give a lot of details, just short and to the point.  Like I don't need to know they are high school students, just call them students.  I don't need to know that they were tricked by a "being of that world", just say "they were tricked".

Re: Feedback on my book so far

#4

DarkD Wrote: I'll look at the entry information since that is probably where you are losing all your viewers.  

The blurb is spoilery.  "the key to it all may be someone who doesn't quite fit. "  You want people to enter your fiction with their imaginations on fire.  Plot spoilers kill their imagination.  

If you cut the spoiler, then I'd give the blurb a "don't hate it, but don't like it either".  There is nothing I consider as a real draw into the fiction.  It sounds like a pretty generic plot without gimmicks.  Which is where you lose me.  I like gimmicks and I hate generic.  

The first sentence is such a long run-on that I have trouble figuring out the meaning behind it.  Are you saying "The students came to the MMO-like world on their own, but are tricked after arriving" or are you saying "The students are tricked into entering the MMO-like world."  People want the blurb to be as straight-forward as humanly possible.  Once the fiction starts, they will ease up on the details, but right now they are going to shoot you for literally anything.  

You need the blurb to be concise and as simply worded as possible.  Don't give a lot of details, just short and to the point.  Like I don't need to know they are high school students, just call them students.  I don't need to know that they were tricked by a "being of that world", just say "they were tricked".

updated. i had meant to change that the other day, i was wondering what i had forgot to do.

Re: Feedback on my book so far

#6

Kmallard91 Wrote: if you could give any feedback on what i've written so far, it would be very much appreciated. just published chapters 9 and 10, as im almost done writing chapter 14 and have an idea for 15 already.



I read the first few chapters and it's rather dry.

You introduce a number of characters in your first chapter by listing their name, what they look like, and their personality. It's less like reading a story and more like a bunch of dating profiles.

Despite the different personalities you tell us they have, they all sort of act like a blob. This is especially bad when it comes to picking a party leader. If a group of people came to another world where they know they might die, it's unlikely they'll designate one person 'the leader' without serious debate and several people suggesting they should take the role. (Unless it's something like a military unit).

Likewise, there's little thought put into all the class selection. It feels very much like you'd rather skip the beginning altogether but haven't done so.

Re: Feedback on my book so far

#7

SJ Wrote:
Kmallard91 Wrote: if you could give any feedback on what i've written so far, it would be very much appreciated. just published chapters 9 and 10, as im almost done writing chapter 14 and have an idea for 15 already.



I read the first few chapters and it's rather dry.

You introduce a number of characters in your first chapter by listing their name, what they look like, and their personality. It's less like reading a story and more like a bunch of dating profiles.

Despite the different personalities you tell us they have, they all sort of act like a blob. This is especially bad when it comes to picking a party leader. If a group of people came to another world where they know they might die, it's unlikely they'll designate one person 'the leader' without serious debate and several people suggesting they should take the role. (Unless it's something like a military unit).

Likewise, there's little thought put into all the class selection. It feels very much like you'd rather skip the beginning altogether but haven't done so.

i'm actually working on editing the first 5 chapters and the prologue at this moment. the "blob" feeling was supposed to emphasize the control that the entity can gain of a person, however minor, early on.