Re: Reviews and Thoughts on my current piece

#1
Hello all,

I am new here and while my piece has had some traction just in views, I cant seem to get any feedback on it! While some people are born amazing writers, I feel I need practice and the best way to get that is feedback! If anyone is willing, please read and review my piece. I don't mind critique at all as long as its constructive. I don't mind hearing its bad or dumb or whatever as long as you say, "Its bad because you suck at story flow." or "Its dumb because your characters are not relatable. This kind of thing is great too lol. Anyways, any help is appreciated.

Re: Reviews and Thoughts on my current piece

#3
After taking a look at your chapter one I can only give you one piece of advice: edit your first paragraphs. A lot.

They are the hook that makes people stay and they need to be effective at doing that. They need to be perfect in terms of grammar, structure of the sentences and content or the readers won't carry on with the rest.

Yours are not bad, just a little too long. You should split or reword them if you can, it will make your story look better and more appealing.

Re: Reviews and Thoughts on my current piece

#4
First, I will like to commend the effort and time you put into your work. Bravo! 
Second, the writing quality is pretty good, although you'll need to do some editing, to make it more perfect.
Third, you are writing a system novel. Most readers have read it all. I believe in order to really capture their attention, you'll have to go beyond most system cliches. Something different and strange. Nonetheless, I like the vampire inclusion.
Lastly, you've only written 4 chapters. Most readers find it too early to check out your novel talkless of commenting or leaving a review. Just keep on writing. As long as your novel is interesting enough, readers will come.