Re: Requesting feedback

#1
Hi, I'm very new to this writing lark - I've been writing two LitRPG stories privately for the last six months and recently posted the first few chapters on Royal Road (both are unfinished but fairly far in now).

One (Feral) has been reasonably well-received (note this doesn't mean I think it's 'popular' in terms of people reading it, I'm realistic - it's just not been shot to pieces) ... the other 'Wonderkid' hasn't managed to get many reads and the only rating so far has been a less than stellar half star.

Would someone mind just telling me if there is anything hugely flawed with the writing so far, please?

(I'll be completing both stories as I'm kinda stubborn ... and I'm really enjoying writing even if I still have a lot to learn :D ).

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/28706/wonderkid

Thanks in advance for your help :)

Re: Requesting feedback

#2
One thing that might turn readers away is that your story blurb has two grammatical errors in the first sentence--two separate sentences connected by a comma, and both sentences are questions without a question mark.

I read through half of the first chapter and the writing isn't bad, but you do have a couple other spots where a sentence is actually two sentences and needs to be separated.

Considering you only started posting eight days ago, I think your view counts are fine, but if you're worried people are avoiding the story, I suspect it's the content more than anything that would turn them away, since RR readers are more interested in fantasy than sports.

From the little bit I've read, I highly doubt your story deserves a half-star rating, so I suspect someone trashed the story just because it's a genre they don't like.

But like I said, I don't think your view counts are doing that badly. You've got some readers. Off the top of my head, I'm not sure of any other sites that would be more welcoming of a GameLit/Sports combo. Maybe someone else would have an idea.

Re: Requesting feedback

#4

Nole Moody Wrote: Would someone mind just telling me if there is anything hugely flawed with the writing so far, please?


Nope! It's good.  You just got an unfortunate rating, which probably dropped you down the rankings enough that people didn't see your story. That combined with it being a niche of a niche theme will just not give it much traction right away. I do think, however, that it has potentional and is unique enough to develop a solid dedicated audience.

Having said that, you broke one rule that is really major - never start with a dream sequence. That rule was broken in the three major ways too, so it is not just a conceptual violation, but one that hits hard. First, if you have a dream, make sure it is clear it is a dream from the start. Second, dreams that are too similar to reality aren't dreams - the writing needs to make the dream fantastical/fluffy/ephemeral. Third, never make a dream a big event rather than an experience, because events are stories, and you just wrote a story that the reader invested in only to end it immediately. And while it isn't a big rule violation, given that the audience probably knows what kind of story it is (transported, litrpg, something similar), you ended on a classic "and then shit went down", which really betrays expectations when you find out it was a dream.

This isn't abstract - I can say that I felt very irritated when I found out. I'd likely be one of those that dropped the story - with regrets, but I still would.

So my one major piece of advice is rewrite the introduction. It's well written, it's interesting, and certainly good enough to stay - but I think it'll hurt your story. Don't rush into it or anything though, just consider it from the reader's perspective for a while.

Re: Requesting feedback

#5
ptgatsby Wrote: So my one major piece of advice is rewrite the introduction. It's well written, it's interesting, and certainly good enough to stay - but I think it'll hurt your story. Don't rush into it or anything though, just consider it from the reader's perspective for a while.


Thanks that is very useful and interesting to know - its not something I'd considered and seems very valid, I'll mull it over and see how I can improve that side of things.

(to explain my theory - I wanted it to be 'aspirational' almost ... that is who he wants to be, but he is far from it at present)

Thanks again for your feedback - incredibly useful :D