Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#1
Synopsis ( The chronicles of Ecia the Winged defender : Book one )

Since time immemorial, a prophet of the old gods once prophesied about a great calamity that would befall the realm.

Since then, countless years have passed and races throughout the realm began to lax. Now, many began to question the prophecy and some even treat it as fallacy. But what of the evergrowing darkness below? Journey with Ecia and his companions as they explore the realm of Aepolyn and slowly uncover the undercurrents that lay beneath the calm surface.

Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#2
Some suggestions...

1. "since time immemorial" and "once prophesied" contradict each other, so the sentence doesn't make sense.

2. "lax" isn't a verb.

3. Your verb tense changes midway through the synopsis. It's possible to make that work with the right structure, but in this case, in the sentence where it switches, "began to question" and "treat it as a fallacy" should be the same tense for the sentence to make sense.

4. In general, try to avoid "began to verb" or "start to verb", and instead, just use "verb". That's not always possible, but when it is, the sentence will come out cleaner.

5. In the last sentence, there's another verb tense shift. "lay" is past tense (for this use of the word), and should be "lie" (present tense) instead. "Lay" is only present tense when you are laying down an object.


I hope this helps.

Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#4
Yes, I agree there are a lot of technical issues with the structure of the sentences. However, I think the main issue is that the summary isn't focusing on the MC. Why is Ecia only being mentioned at the end, when he should be the full focus of the entire summary. I understand the world and its legend might be fascinating, but it will never be as interesting as a compelling character. 
 
The summary is only mentioning three things: a prophecy, a great calamity, and Ecia's journey. It's extremely vague, yet there’s a lot of fluffy language around it. I could easily replace ‘Ecia’ with ‘Link’ and then I've got the premise to Breath of the Wild. (which it's totally fine if this was your inspiration.) To set this story apart, I would expand on Ecia. What is the start of his journey? What pushes him out of his comfort zone?
 
Any summary that starts with world building immediately disconnects me as a reader.
 
I really do like this: “slowly uncover the undercurrents that lay beneath the calm surface.” But as IvyVeritas mentioned, it should be: “slowly uncover the undercurrents lying beneath the calm surface.”
 
I hope this gives you something to think about. Good luck! Keep on writing!

Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#5
Going to repeat a previous post on blurbs (don't call them synopsis; they don't tell the story, they're supposed to sell the story).

Good, efficient blurbs tend to harp on 4-5 elements, usually in that order:

a) A situation (where are we, how do we got there), which is a bit of what you start with
b) A problem (there appear to be no problem here, merely vague allusions about an evergrowing darkness... but what makes it an evergrowing darkness? how are our MC going to be aware of a problem? surely someone must have a darkness problem)
c) A twist (our MC/someone is expecting something, but surprise, events conspire against you and you might have to do Something)
d) A mood/theme (how does the story feels. Is it going to epic, relaxed, full of mysteries, what?)
e) A hook (a question, another twist, something that has the reader wants to find the answer)

So you have a reasonable (a) situation which could be a bit expanded maybe, but you don't have a (b) problem at all (so far), there's no © twist visible, and the barest (d) mood about the exploration theme. And importantly, there's no final hook that a reader might want to see answered, resolved, etc.

So your blurb doesn't feel very special so far. Find an allusion to a problem, find some twist that starts the ball rolling, and expand a bit on the mood, and you should be much better.

Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#6
Going to show you how it's done with The Tethered Mage a classic fantasy book:

Quote:Magic is scarce in the Raverran Empire, and those born with such powers are strictly controlled -- taken as children and conscripted into the Falcon army, to be used as weapons in times of war.

Zaira has lived her life on the streets to avoid this fate, hiding her mage mark and thieving to survive. But hers is a rare and dangerous magic, one that threatens the entire Empire.

Lady Amalia Cornaro was never meant to be a Falconer. Heiress and scholar, she was born into a treacherous world of political machinations.

But fate has bound the heir and the mage. And as war looms on the horizon, a single spark could turn their city into a pyre.


You can see the situation (magic is scarce, Zaira has lived hidden)
You can see the problem (her magic is dangerous for everyone)
You can see the twist (the heiress wasn't supposed to be a Falconer, whatever that is in that Falcon army mentioned)
You have the mood (the two are getting thrown together, oil and water style. You can already imagine how this is going to be!)
And finally the hook: War looms! A single spark can spell disaster! Oh (censored)!!!

You'll notice that the characters are also defined at least partially - we know Zaira is a mage, and Amalia is a noble heiress, rather than just names. That's important, they make the character identifiable rather than some contextless name out of a random generator.

Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#9
Nevaeh Wrote: Since time immemorial, a prophet of the old gods once prophesied about a great calamity that would befall the realm.

Since then, countless years have passed and races throughout the realm began to lax. Now, many began to question the prophecy and some even treat it as fallacy. But what of the evergrowing darkness below? Journey with Ecia and his companions as they explore the realm of Aepolyn and slowly uncover the undercurrents that lay beneath the calm surface.

The best teaser simply hints at what may come. This isn't designed to tell the story. It's designed to entice readers to want to know more.

Quick suggestion, use what of it you please:


A prophecy shrouded in history and discarded as mere myth.
A darkness that grows beneath the surface hiding unknown danger.
A young Ecia and his companions will set off to explore the realm of Aepolyn.
What dangers await? What mysteries shall they uncover?
Join them as they begin their journey into the unknown.

Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#10
So using some of the suggested changes above, is this better? 


dreadful prophecy shrouded in the timeworn annals of history and discarded as mere myth. 
An ever-growing darkness that lies deep inside uncharted territories. 
Journey with an inexperienced Ecia and his companions as they set off to explore the perilous realm of Aepolyn.
What dangers await? 
What secrets shall they uncover? 
Only fate knows, but when danger befalls them will you be there?

Or is this revised version of the original better?

Since time immemorial, a prophet of the old gods once prophesied about a great calamity that would befall the realm.

Since then, countless years have passed and races throughout the realm have begun to slacken. Now, many question the prophecy and some even treat it as fallacy. But what of the evergrowing darkness below? Journey with Ecia and his companions as they explore the realm of Aepolyn and slowly uncover the hidden undercurrents that lie beneath the calm surface.

Re: New author here, can anyone help correct my synopsis? I want to it make more interesting.

#11
Hi Neveah!  Writing blurbs is hard, but more than that, it is tricky . I find that starting and finishing an entire story is sometimes easier than determining how to entice the reader into turning the page with only a few sentences. 

I'm not sure that the new one is better, but the old one could benefit from a lot of reworking if you keep its structure.

I like the ideas you're looking to get across to the reader here, there is potential to pull me in. I'd like to share my thoughts:

The New:

When I read "A dreadful prophecy shrouded in the timeworn annals of history and discarded as mere myth", I get the impression the author is jamming a bunch of unnecessary words into the sentence to make it seem fancy and historic. That pulls me out a bit.

I call this Baroque Writing. I suffer from it as well, and have to constantly check myself and shorten what I'm saying so that I only use the words required to get the point or emotion across to the reader.

The main issue I experienced with the new blurb is that as I start reading the second sentence, I realize I'm reading a list - but it stops there and suddenly invites me to journey with Ecia. That feels odd.

I also don't know enough about the world from these two sentences to have any idea what dangers could await, and thus I didn't find myself asking that question. Likewise, I wasn't convinced when I read: "What secrets shall they uncover?" that I cared, because all that I was told was that Ecia and his companions would be exploring the realm, which is such a broad and vague statement that secrets didn't even occur to me as a thing I should be curious about. For all I know, I'm going to read about them traveling through the wilderness, not discovering things.

I'm not opposed to a blurb asking questions, but I think it would benefit the reader if the sentences leading up to them had content for us to question.

"Only fate knows, but when danger befalls them will you be there?" - is fate a character in your story, such that he/she/it can know something? If so, capitalizing the word so it reads as a name would be very telling and welcome here. But will I be there? Is this a choose your own adventure where I get to partake?

Here's a thought on reducing the baroque effect and leading the reader to your questions:

---
An ancient darkness from uncharted territories has begun to spread through the realm.
A dreadful prophecy, once discarded as myth, is soon to be questioned once more.
When inexperienced Ecia stumbles upon the prophecy, he and his friends set out to discover what mysteries the uncharted territories hold.
What dangerous secrets has the realm forgotten?
What fate lies in store for Ecia and his band of adventurers?
---

The Old:

It was previously mentioned, but a thing that happened once, can't have happened since time immemorial.  The phrase: Since time immemorial, refers to something that has been ongoing.  

What you're trying to convey with the first sentence is a great though, and I can tell where you're going with it. I just think the phrasing could be reworked.

"Since then" isn't necessary when the next thing you're telling us is that "Countless years have passed".

"An ancient prophet of the old gods once prophesied a great calamity that would befall the realm" <-- by describing the prophet as ancient, and the gods as "the old gods", I now know that this happened a really log time ago

"...have begun to slacken" <-- while I appreciate you looking to replace the word 'lax' per previous suggestion, I'm not sure this is the best way to describe it.  Do you mean their posture has gotten poorer?  When a persons' shoulders slacken, they fall a bit as if they're sad or exhausted. I can't imagine a race slackening, even though I know what you're going here for.  Perhaps something like "...races throughout the realm have grown lazy" or "...races throughout the realm have grown complacent" would be more what you're going for?

You also ask "But what of the ever-growing darkness below?" out of nowhere, right after telling us that society is starting to think the prophecy is silly.  If people know about this ever-growing darkness, I have a hard time believing they're going to think the prophecy is silly.

Here's one suggestion on consolidating and rewording some of this:

---
An ancient prophet of the old gods once prophesied a great calamity that would befall the realm. Centuries passed, the prophecy was written off as myth, and the races of the kingdom grew complacent.
The discovery of a fast spreading darkness beneath the world draws everything into question. Join Ecia and his companions as they journey forth to the realm of Aepolyn, tasked with discovering what lies beneath the surface.
---

Just my thoughts on how you could approach it from either style you've chosen. Thanks for letting me share, and I wish you luck!