Re: Need some help with a new story...

#1
I'm not ready to start posting the story as I want to build a backlog to help with the consistency of the posting. However I would love some feedback and thoughts on direction. The story is going to be a Grimdark System Apocalypse of Earth. It will of course have Blueboxes galore once the system arrives though so far that has not happened. That's another area of criticism I need. Is the system taking too long to arrive? So thoughts and general comments would be appreciated.

Hopefully sharing a link to a Google Doc is okay: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vhUE0IMp9VTrDOOSYgtLe1o6Je-k8jEkK6iD6Ajiuro/edit?usp=sharing

Comment directly on google doc or here. And thanks.

Re: Need some help with a new story...

#2
So either it is a literary masterpiece with not a thing wrong with it or it's so far beyond help it's pointless to offer any comments.

I have enough confidence to know it is not the second and I am not so far gone as to think it is the first. I just wish someone would leave a comment. Good or bad. Just some ideas on the pacing, or the characters, or anything...help??!?!

Or tell me I somehow messed up the google docs link to where you can't leave comments. Even that would be helpful.
Thanks in advance.

Re: Need some help with a new story...

#3
English is not my main language, but I've read my fair share of books and I didn't find any mistakes in the doc, so nothing to comment on.
The only thing that I found rather hard was following the story that John was telling Mel about Lee, but that again might be my lack of concentration. 

That was a really interesting and enjoyable start. In 'iskeais' and other 'reincarnated' stories, there's rarely any real word story before MC gets run over by a truck or something. There's tension, mystery(are dreams connected to John's game or something else), so answering your question 'is the system taking too long to arrive?' : no. 

Hope to see your story soon. It was a very interesting read.

Edit. somehow I bugged font size, don't mind it.