Re: Assistance needed for synopsis

#2
I must say, as I'm up to chapter 7, that I cannot read anymore.
I tried persevering through, but I couldn't.

You see, there isn't much wrong with the plot when I think deeply about it, it's simply, well... the way you put it out.

Don't get me wrong, themes in fancy tech world and with extreme hierarchy segregation, and whatnot with the MC finding celestial origins...

BUT GOD DAMN, GIVE SOME DEPTH!

What is the point of a nickname when it's never in use? Give a reason why there was a nickname in the first place, MC's regeneration at the start leaves him unfazed, but in the dream of the gods, he acts surprised, and supposedly before such shock, he sits through brimstone and fire as if he thinks that it doesn't matter, and that he wouldn't receive permanent burn scars marring the front half of his body.


And I think you underestimate the pain of fire, quite a bit.

He switches from badass to childish, spiteful to trusting, and overall the beginning of a harem MC when there is a certain degree of trust found in himself/ random respect when he sees his supposed sister, but no trust at all in his mother, when there should be if his calculating mind finds that there is a obvious amount of relation between them managing worlds.

Why is the scar marring MC from the demon/ relative in the dream a random spiteful happening by the reason of: He shouldn't have a planet.

When he very well knows that there is a all-powerful mother breathing don his neck.

Every villain is 2-D and you have way too many minor characters for the first few chapters. AND WHY DOES MONTY GET A GOD-DAMN SCALPLE OUT OF NOWHERE-

Random reference to Rick and Morty? Slightly OK. But there isn't a random think of Monty being aggressive again... when he had the temperament to shy away from a fire-demon-jealous-brother, then face down essentially brimstone and hellfire melting him alive with a single grit of his teeth, withstand the numbness of his melted skin during his conversation with 2 beautiful blood-related (you specified giving birth) goddesses that had suddenly earned his trust even though he had a eternal hate thing going on with his mother for killing off his family and race...

Actually you know what? Monty is just acting older and has random amnesia that forgets the ultra-powerful regeneration that he's had for all his life, too many uses of the word fuck, and... GRAHHHHHHG!!!



I have too much to rant about.

But! If I looked at it and formatted in my head correctly, it would be fine... and the synopsis would be,*sigh*, this.

In the desolation of a world governed by a select, rich, few,  impoverished millions toil for little, injustice and corruption run rampant. All the while, with the segregation and greed within the city walls, a clock for the Earth take its toll.

Doom Sayers of the 21st century were right. The world would end.

All the struggles that lay within the current remnants of society were for naught. Monty [Last Name] and his [brother? Friend? Cousin?] Issac travel through these lands, in hopes for a haven to stay in, the rest of their tribe long-dead. As they come down for their last stop, a single shot rung.

A rebellion is brewing against the [Empire?], seeking escape from its claws. Their search for a better life was hindered by at every turn, every chance dashed away, until now.

---

This is the story about boy that would discover his true role in his world; and how he would save it.

Re: Assistance needed for synopsis

#3
Thank you for reading and reviewing. I agree, the nickname for Richard was of no importance to the story, and took away from it. The somewhat bi-polar nature of Montear was actually done for a reason that would be explained later on in the story, but seeing how it can be confusing to the reader, I think the right course of action would be to change it. I was taking steps to reduce the number of characters present in later chapters, but it seems that i should have avoided introducing them all together, or at least so soon. The reasoning behind Montear's resistance to pain was also going to be explained as the story progressed, and it was going to show the reasons for certain reactions he has to pain. He is technically, the only one who is blood related to Sani, which is something that is hinted at by Aristi as to why he has the potential to be stronger than her or their siblings, but was supposed to be revealed later. The obvious 2-d villain (Jabez) was meant to be that way, so I can introduce his real reasons for what he is doing in a much later chapter, and have it be a sort of twist. Isaac is an orphan who Montear has looked after, and became so close they think of each other as brothers. One of the big things I wanted to touch on in the story is the difference between family you are born with, and family you form bonds with outside of the common blood relation. I never planned on this story having any kind of harem theme. I guess I have to change certain characters if it seemed like it was heading in that direction. All in all, I think I just tried to make this story too complex(where many things would be revealed as the story went on), as well as rushed it along. It leaves the reader too confused as to whats going on. I'm going to have to re-write it. Thank you for letting me know what you think, Iappreciate it.

Re: Assistance needed for synopsis

#4
Sorry for being a bit harsh, but damn, that was a small clusterfuck in my head that formed after I read it....

I can see this though.

Don't take me seriously, as I'm barely that good of a writer myself, but you are persistant, and that's a good thing. Ask around for more advice, and I'm sure that with that kind of will, that the story will grow to be better, albeit slowly.

P.S. Hope that Issac will do stuff!

Re: Assistance needed for synopsis

#5

Clandestine Wrote: Thank you for reading and reviewing. I agree, the nickname for Richard was of no importance to the story, and took away from it. The somewhat bi-polar nature of Montear was actually done for a reason that would be explained later on in the story, but seeing how it can be confusing to the reader, I think the right course of action would be to change it. I was taking steps to reduce the number of characters present in later chapters, but it seems that i should have avoided introducing them all together, or at least so soon. The reasoning behind Montear's resistance to pain was also going to be explained as the story progressed, and it was going to show the reasons for certain reactions he has to pain. He is technically, the only one who is blood related to Sani, which is something that is hinted at by Aristi as to why he has the potential to be stronger than her or their siblings, but was supposed to be revealed later. The obvious 2-d villain (Jabez) was meant to be that way, so I can introduce his real reasons for what he is doing in a much later chapter, and have it be a sort of twist. Isaac is an orphan who Montear has looked after, and became so close they think of each other as brothers. One of the big things I wanted to touch on in the story is the difference between family you are born with, and family you form bonds with outside of the common blood relation. I never planned on this story having any kind of harem theme. I guess I have to change certain characters if it seemed like it was heading in that direction. All in all, I think I just tried to make this story too complex(where many things would be revealed as the story went on), as well as rushed it along. It leaves the reader too confused as to whats going on. I'm going to have to re-write it. Thank you for letting me know what you think, Iappreciate it.


This is out of topic, but I would just like to add that putting generic things first, for a grand reveal twist later might not work if your readers do not even get to the twist. So you kind of have to manage that. Keep in mind that you know the big twist or reveal and it is probably exciting in your head, but readers don't know about that. They may just think this or that scene is incorrectly written, or is generic and unoriginal, or boring, instead of being a setup for something interesting later. This is a web serial, it's so much easier for people to drop reading something online compared to let's say a physical  book. 

Re: Assistance needed for synopsis

#6
Wrote: Sorry for being a bit harsh, but damn, that was a small clusterfuck in my head that formed after I read it....

I can see this though.

Don't take me seriously, as I'm barely that good of a writer myself, but you are persistant, and that's a good thing. Ask around for more advice, and I'm sure that with that kind of will, that the story will grow to be better, albeit slowly.

P.S. Hope that Issac will do stuff!



No worries, I appreciate the feedback. Harsh or not, as long as it's constructive criticism, I will always welcome it. Anything I can learn, and use to improve my writing is a good thing. I actually posted a new chapter of the re-written work today. So, it's not like it was any kind of inconvenience to me, and even then it would be a necessary inconvenience to improve my work. So, thank you. 

Re: Assistance needed for synopsis

#7
Hierophant Wrote:
Clandestine Wrote: Thank you for reading and reviewing. I agree, the nickname for Richard was of no importance to the story, and took away from it. The somewhat bi-polar nature of Montear was actually done for a reason that would be explained later on in the story, but seeing how it can be confusing to the reader, I think the right course of action would be to change it. I was taking steps to reduce the number of characters present in later chapters, but it seems that i should have avoided introducing them all together, or at least so soon. The reasoning behind Montear's resistance to pain was also going to be explained as the story progressed, and it was going to show the reasons for certain reactions he has to pain. He is technically, the only one who is blood related to Sani, which is something that is hinted at by Aristi as to why he has the potential to be stronger than her or their siblings, but was supposed to be revealed later. The obvious 2-d villain (Jabez) was meant to be that way, so I can introduce his real reasons for what he is doing in a much later chapter, and have it be a sort of twist. Isaac is an orphan who Montear has looked after, and became so close they think of each other as brothers. One of the big things I wanted to touch on in the story is the difference between family you are born with, and family you form bonds with outside of the common blood relation. I never planned on this story having any kind of harem theme. I guess I have to change certain characters if it seemed like it was heading in that direction. All in all, I think I just tried to make this story too complex(where many things would be revealed as the story went on), as well as rushed it along. It leaves the reader too confused as to whats going on. I'm going to have to re-write it. Thank you for letting me know what you think, Iappreciate it.


This is out of topic, but I would just like to add that putting generic things first, for a grand reveal twist later might not work if your readers do not even get to the twist. So you kind of have to manage that. Keep in mind that you know the big twist or reveal and it is probably exciting in your head, but readers don't know about that. They may just think this or that scene is incorrectly written, or is generic and unoriginal, or boring, instead of being a setup for something interesting later. This is a web serial, it's so much easier for people to drop reading something online compared to let's say a physical  book.


Yeah, I realize that now. Whenever I read a physical book and felt some kind of confusion, I would always wait until the end to see if they would explain it, or turn it into some kind of twist. Some examples would be, books that had a constantly changing perspective, time shifts, etc. I would never question it because I was always certain that it would be answered. The thing is that physically published books are heavily edited and scrutinized before publication. Web series that are made by new writers(like me), often have missing details, unexplained pieces, etc. so it makes sense that readers expect these types of things not to be done on purpose in an effort to create some sort of twist or depth, which in effect creates a lack of depth. I learned my lesson. Although I still want to allow some things to reveal themselves with time, I will only allow it to be a minor thing or something that doesn't take away from the current reader experience. It was good that I asked for help though. I ended up liking the re-written version of my story better than the original.  
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