Hoping to get some story feedback
Hi, I just started to post my chapters a few days ago, currently, I have around 19k words. Up to now, it is closing in on the end of the"need" section(the setup) with a few chapters away from "go"(where the story gets rolling). Or to compare to harry potter book 1, it is around when they are in the Hogwarts train.
So I didn't care for a review or rating yet but I just got a 0.5 rating. And before that I lost 2 followers. And that really hit me hard. Is my story really that bad?
That's why I hope to get someone who can give me feedback.
If someone would go out of their way and look at my story and tell me what the problems are I would be really grateful.
Though, I got a 5 star rating(resulting in 3.5) now and gained a few more followers. Still am conflicted as hell XD
Will take your advice and check out I nimbus.
Thank you very much^^
Doubt he will look at my work since my work conflicts with his rules.
My chars are all children(though they are growing over time) and thats apparently a big no no to him...
Lemme jus' say I love your premise and the girl on your cover is adorable. You could replace the cloud background with a texture paint, though. Realistic pics don't work as nicely. Non-human characters for the win :)
So let's assume someone wouldn't drop a 0.5 if they read more than one or two chapters. Therefore, if we take a quick poke at the early stuff... we'll never know. But, ya know, improving something is easy.
Oh and... I'll read it prop'ly later. I'm in an editing mood now :P. If I get far enough to warrant a review (~7 chapters), I'll give one.
So a quick peek
Quote: “Muhahahaha, this is the end for you accursed hero. Your treacherous plans didn’t work against me.”, laughs the Demon lord mocking the hero and his followers who lay defeated on the ground.
“How can this be? I have used every underhanded method I could to finally defeat this great and in every aspect superior Demon lord.”, cries the wicked hero with tears in his eyes.
The ugly princess sobs disgraceful while glaring at the glorious being towering above them. “This can not be! I was supposed to be the greatest and most beautiful woman in the entire world. All this was to get finally rid of you!”
A sarcastic smile formed on the Demon lords face. “Ha? You being beautiful? That I don’t laugh. Your motives are as shallow as you are. You are nothing more than a disgrace for all the humans in this world. There was never a way for you to defeat me. I’m just too powerful, too great than any of you puny creatures. And with this victory, I’m finally the ruler of this world. Muhahaha…”
Your biggest problem, imo, is that it doesn't flow well.
It's light and amusing, but the language is... ehh, messy. There's redundency, a mix of past and present tense, and awkward phrasing. I'm not advocating proper language... but my advice is this. (In my gross lack of experience, this is what works for me)
Read it once, recording yourself, and play it back as you tweak things. You'll find things that hitch. Rephrase 'em. As you do, try short sentences. While long sentences are great for immersion, short sentences work. Also, emphasis on once. It's doable and it won't mess with your mojo (I hope).
Here's what it turned into after a teeny bit of fiddling:
Quote: “Muhahahaha! This is the end for you, wretch. Your treacherous plans didn’t work against me.”, the demon lord says. The hero lay beneath him, together with his fools.
“How can this be? I have used every underhanded method I could to finally defeat you. Damn you! Does it all mean nothing in the face of sheer demonic power. You have no idea how many people believe in me. ”, the hero cries, rivulets forming down his cheeks.
The princess sobs. Ugly and disgraceful, she glares at the glorious being towering above. “This can not be! I am the greatest, most beautiful woman in the entire world. All this was to be rid of you!”
A smile forms on the demon lord's face. “You? Beautiful? Of course. Your motives are as shallow as you are. You are nothing more than a disgrace for the humans in this world. There was never a way for you to defeat me. Puny creatures, know my power! With this the world is mine. Muhahaha…”
In particular, notice "The ugly princess..." line. With a few words moved, it changed the whole flow. Then I cut "supposed to be...". Now that reads more like a punch to the face, as it should be. You can go a lot further (still in a short time), and there're resources floating around that'll show how. I'm emphasising speed. Also, if you want per-chapter feedback, I made a thread for swapping that.
The mix of the tenses is really bad. I had completly overlooked them. To be honest that would annoy the heck out of me if I was a reader....
Will try and work on the flow and hope I can pull it of.
Alos with the background on the cover.... will try if I can manage something good, but am not really that good at drawing backgrounds XD
Thanks for suggesting the thread, will look at it later.
Thank you very much for taking your time and look at my work^^
Now for your story, I've given it a quick read. It's a cool premise and the little fake-out at the beginning was funny too. Not what I expected (in a good way). You could spin this into a great story for sure. I will however also agree to the criticisms posed and add onto them. The one thing immediately noticeable to me was your peculiar word order. Was this translated from German? Sentences like "That I don't laugh" or "Since she can remember" both hint at it and it would explain some of the oddities. Especially the former doesn't work in English and even comes up as an example for Denglisch (or as the comedian Otto would say: English for Runaways).
One way or another, your sentence structure needs work. Cut them down, trim them, merge it. Don't use several words when one could do. Example:
“Is that so?”, asked her mother sharp and kicked softly the action-figures that laid on the ground.
"Is that so?", snapped her mother. She nudged the action-figures.
However, following on from that, you need to be aware of context inheritance. If your last scene actor was the mother, the following descriptions will be attributed to her until you switch actors again. In this specific case, you wrote that she softly licked the action figures aside and then proceed to describe toys littered around the room. Question. Did her "soft kicking" smash them to pieces and fling them everywhere? Or was it the child playing with her toys? I assume it's the latter but your sentences say the former because the last one to act was the mother. You could also make the context more clear by writing: "She nudged the action-figures. The child had sprawled toys in every corner" and continue as you have.
In general, your descriptions need a bit of work. They aren't always clear who and what they're referring to. Case in point: "Mother threw daggers with her eyes at father". This is really rather ambiguous and can reach all the way to "Mother, quite literally, threw daggers with her eyes stuck on them, at father" - probably not what you wanted to go for unless the story is a whole lot more nightmarish than it seemed. It's a consistent problem of who does what and your order of words. If you can fix these, your story will improve significantly. It's a great idea regardless.
Sorry, I'm pressed for time so I can't go into greater depth.
****If anyone just got a pointless .5 rating, message me and I will give you an honest, in depth, full review after reading your work.
If you wish to do the same for me you're welcome to, but its not necessary for me to help out.
Thank you all for reading and answering.
@felias Thank you very much for the in-depth analysis of my work. So much to better myself in. Gets me excited^^
Also, yeah I am german though I write directly into english. Didn't save me from that damn denglish though ^^'
I will try and implement all of your advice and fix the problems. Though I thought throwing daggers with the eyes was an idiom. Or is it throwing at? Anyway, will try to make it clearer what is meant.
No need to say sorry, that was pretty in depth for me ^^
thank you again very much
@Jordan Stufflebeam thank you very much^^. Saw your comment and answered it
Timeemit Wrote: Though I thought throwing daggers with the eyes was an idiom.
It's an idiom, yes. It's usually used with shoot, look or stare daggers at something but it can be broadened for use with throwing as well. The issue comes from the insert 'with her eyes'. In the original form of the idiom, this is bypassed by simply using words like the aforementioned stare. It's obvious from context that when someone stares, that they're using their eyes. Shoot also passes as an idiom because you can't really shoot daggers at someone but you can shoot glares, so there's a connection for that.
Changing it to throw gets you into a bit of trouble since throwing daggers is very much ambigous. It's an activity that is not just related to sight. so you need to clear up what you're refering to. You did so with the inserted 'with her eyes'. But due to the relative position in your sentence, it didn't sufficiently clear up which type of dagger throwing act you were going for. Thus, it can be misunderstood as literally throwing eyes at someone. Consider this variant: Mother's eyes threw daggers at my father. It's still a bit clumsy but at least you're not introducing new horrors to the world. The misunderstanding is comparable to wrong punctuation in german (such as in: "Komm wir essen Oma!" and "Komm, wir essen, Oma!").
Take this bit. I like it because her reaction is funny and the image it paints is great.
Quote:Tia noticed a boy crying in the arms of his father. His very long pointed ears on his head were pressed shut against his brown hair. His long thin tail was wrapped around the man who was holding him. She picked a few words up between his sobs. “P, p, plis du, dun’t lif m, m, me.” Tia felt appalled by his behavior.
Now count the adjectives. (aside: and the repeated information)
I did a little experiment, taking some adjectives and stuffing their meaning elsewhere.
Quote:Tia noticed a boy crying in the arms of his father. His long, long ears were pressed shut against his hair. His tail twined around the man, twice. As he squirmed, his brown locks darkened with tears. “P, p, plis du, dun’t lif m, m, me.” Tia felt appalled.
("long, long" was a whim. I liked the rhythm of it)
So, to perhaps better explain... I didn't ask myself "what would sound nice" because that's too much for my puny brain. Instead, I asked "how can I move that word" a few times - and a couple of similar questions.
Anyway. You do you. I like your fiction enough to follow it in any case.