Re: Looking for story feedback

Hello, I'm an author that just got back from a long hiatus (lack of motivation/college). I looked back at how I wrote my story and I felt like it could use some changes but I'm not sure how to do so. The story so far is a little large (10k+ words), but I was hoping someone could review mainly my two initial chapters and possibly my character development if possible. Thank you for your time.

Re: Looking for story feedback

Let's dive in then. I'll start by saying that I like the idea, having the sins as a sort of life coach is an interesting premise that can go a long way. You can easily spin this into an engaging story if you keep at it. As you may have surmised though, the story and your style could use a bit of work in some areas. As always, let's start with the simple fixes.

Layout. The main issue I'm seeing is that you don't put speech in a new line. If you write your dialogue like this "Cookies are fine"."Most delicious ever"."No, they cause the end of the world" it becomes very hard to follow along with who is talking. You'll want to include a linebreak when someone else starts talking.

Style. Still on the topic of speech. These linebreaks can use a lead-in with some description like this: Sarah's voice had a low rustle as she spoke, "Don't misjudge cookies" or they can end with a description: "They can start wars", she added with a smirk. If you're looking at a rapid-fire exchange between two people, you don't have to constantly write he said, she said - but will need to find ways to make it clear who is talking. Let's say three people are in a room, Sarah, Tom and Saskia. You can then shape your speech like this: "That's just nonsense, Sarah. Look, even your sister disagrees" - from context, it's obviously Tom.  
Speech is something you want to focus on. It's not bad but it could flow better if people would more easily know who is talking. The second stylistic issue you're looking at is the dead horse of show don't tell. If I were your editor, I'd slap you silly for something like this: (Quote) "As the sun begins to set, I log off and have dinner with Gluttony and Lust, talking over how it’s been going with Tiffany. Lust was a little annoyed at the slow progress, but satisfied with how much I’ve made so far". These things work better if you either write them out to let your readers see it live or you allude to it in their interaction, where they reference a scene that happened but for which the reader wasn't there.

Other. Your writing seems to jump times at various points. You'll want to stay consistent and avoid repetitions (like in your prologue, two paragraphs start with (Quote) "it was another". Instead, mix it up and write something like: It was business as usual.

So in summary: Format your speech, tell less, show more and pay attention to times and sentence repetition. Those would be my suggestions after a quick glance over. These are consistent throughout. In terms of content, it's alright. Honestly, if you get the small issues under wrap, this could be a great story. Keep at it, keep practising and remember, the horse may wheeze but don't tell anyone - they're all morbid and want it seen. 

Re: Looking for story feedback

I love the idea of Helpful Sins haha that was cool! I like the world you are building. Its fun to have that kind of world built up where its a kind of hidden world inside our own.
I do agree with the dialogue that Felias stated about the converstaions not in new paragraphs but again its an easy.

I will say that you did a good job of making the characters sound different. Alot of the time it is very easy for everyone to sound the same (since the writer is doing it all) and it can get dry, but you held it well. The biggest thing is keep telling the world more with the main character. Its easy to get caught off and mindlessly worldsplain since you have the idea of this magnificent world. Itll come in time, let the audience and the main character experience it together.

Still love this idea, ill be reading more of it!