Need feedback on my story
My novel: Within the Soul: Supremacy
Thank you for your time.
Critique and advice:
• The misuse of common words. I noticed this very early on, and wanted to point it out. For instance in the scene aboard the spaceship, the word 'will' used in one sentence indicated instead of 'would', threw off the entire paragraph, switching to another tense entirely before switching back again.
• Okay, this is more or less personal preference, but I kind of dislike characters who talk to themselves to explain obvious readers. Don't get me wrong, mentally talking is just fine, but not explaining obvious things to empty air with dialogue. This implied the reader needs handholding. Instance: Again, the very first chapter. When Matthew talks about the new planet to thin air, it would have been just fine to remove the dialogue marks and write it normally. This is done more than a few times, and to most readers, it off-putting. Very much so since it always feels like it's spoon-feeding you information. For instance, why would he be talking about ship evacuation procedures out loud in the middle of an emergency?
• Sometimes, it hard to understand what you're saying, or your sentences are wrong-ish. 'a complex machinery' is one. Instead, what you should have done is just put down 'a complex machine'. 'machinery' doesn't fit there.
• Now, while most of your grammar basics (Proper capitalizing, periods and commas in the right place), are correct, I have noticed times when the first letter of a sentence was lower-case. Just pointing that out.
• Quotation makes, such as ", go right next to the sentence it wasn't to indicate as dialogue. I've noticed a few times when it's spaced by a single pace, and that's incorrect.
• The actual prolgue of the story is unique, being something I haven't seen before in this genre, but it needs a little bit of work. For instance, ending the chapter with 'BOOOM'. This feels a little wonky. It would have been much more efficient to end the chapter with say 'A flash of light and a sudden, wrenching pain'. He wouldn't have been able to hear the explosion, with the size and desctructive capability, instead, those would have been the feelings he registered before dying.
• Inner monologues are fine. But, as I said before, not as actually dialogue. Out loud monologues by other characters are the same.
• Again, misplaced words can throw off entire sentences. If you think a word is going to be akward, try and search the meaning beforehand.
• Always capitilze names.
• For some reason, your 'God' doesn't come off as all that godly, but instead as just a powerful human. This has always been a pet peeve for me, when 'Gods' think and act like Uber powered humans. I had a little hope that you'd be different with the start of it's intro, but was disappointed that you made him/it a dime-a-dozen deity.
• No story's pace isn't 'too slow', unless you, the writer, decide it.
• Chapter 3 has a sentence without a period. Same chapter: 'wats' should be 'What's'.
This about wraps up the critique I have for you. While you have a somewhat flawed execution, you have some VERY good and original ideas, as well as moments to ponder on. I read a few more chapters, and was pleasantly surprised by what I saw.
With me not liking Xianxia, that's saying something. Honestly, you have a story with the potential to be very pleasing, and if you take the time and iron out what I pointed out above, you could actually have a very good story.
That's all for ow. Cheers, L.