Re: Need feedback writing my steampunk awesomeness

#1


I know steampunk isn't the most popular genre out there but I truly see potential in it's fun gizmo's, moody world, and of course the inherent creativity it's people may offer bur unfortunately, I'm having some trouble raising my story into higher ranks. I suppose, I am looking for some useful/thoughtful critique. I'd like to think my story is something between Avatar: The Last Air Bender and a Miyazaki film like spirited away but who knows if others feel that way. Either way I'm super excited to put my thoughts out here and would welcome anyone for feedback. The story is well established already, and personally, I think it's wonderful. Either way, here's the link 

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/23294/judas-valiant-city-of-the-machine-giants

Enjoy!!

Re: Need feedback writing my steampunk awesomeness

#2
Okay. I've read up to Chapter 2-2: Taylum Orphan Of The Aeronean and I could say, it has a lot of issues.

First from what you said here. you say steampunk but those few chapters doesn't have any steampunk qualities to them. I can't really tell if this is really steampunk. The most important aspect of steampunk is its setting and you don't even touch it for several chapters.

And I don't know how this could be between or combination of Avatar: The Last Air Bender and a Miyazaki film like Spirited Away; this story has nothing in common with them. I can't really see the commonality.

None of the elements you said to be in the story is actually in the story or at least brought into focus. It literally miss the point of those things all together.

The start of the story is also incredibly cliche. Parents killed, protagonist chosen to do important stuff, protagonist meet sidekick . . . all of it is so cliche.

And one thing, the events don't make sense to me. For example, that creature, it just appeared with no warning. He offer a deal to our protagonist for no reason. What is a Valiant anyway? There is just a lot of things that don't make sense.

Your writing style also suffer severely from the lack of showing. Show, Don't Tell is a good advice that could greatly improve your story.

Another issue is the pacing. It is kinda wonky. It just incredibly slow while glossing over important events at the same time. It is kinda dull and boring.

The dialogue is also unnatural, stiff and stilted. None of the characters talk like a real person.

The characters are all stiff and lifeless. They don't feel like real people and more like automatons.

Your writing is also very pretentious that it is just off putting.

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I'm sorry but this story is just not for me. It is just not good. It is overwrought and clumsily put together.
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