Re: I need someone to review my story and tell me what needs to be improved

#2
I think your descriptions are a little too short and it reads as though English may not be your first language. I'm hardly one who can speak about grammar, as I'm constantly shouted at for it, but the flow of your sentences are being broken because of it.

One of the tricks I use to ensure flow is working in a sentence is to read it aloud. If I can read it rhythmically, without pausing, then the sentence works and I move on.

For example, picking one sentence at random:

Quote:The door of the carriage opens and a young female come out. The female has a beautiful appearance, black long hair, blue eyes and white skin. Looking at the man in front of her with curious eyes.


Quote:The door to the carriage abruptly swings open as a young maiden quickly steps through. The suddenness of her actions combined with an unexpected gust, shook her long black hair free of its binding, causing it to flow onto her face. Eric couldn't help but be in awe of the young female as she returned her hair to its ribbon, what with her deep, sky-blue eyes and skin so pale, almost as if untouched by the sun. 

Eric had been looking on too intently as the curious girl noticed him, returning his gaze back at him, their eyes meeting avidly.


I took the example to the extreme, but I hope you see what I'm trying to get at. Each sentence has a rhythmical flow, is descriptive, and paints a scene. This is just my interpretation, and I am by no means an expert (I am an amateur hobbyist at best). But I hope it helps you to some degree anyway.
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