Re: Can someone review my work so I can polish it more?

#1
Greetings, amateur writer here, just need someone to leave a detailed feedback for my fledgling novel here (link in the siggy...)

Mainly, I want to know how strong my writing is and the characters' impression. Also, if my story is good or not (in a way if the setting is interesting enough to reel in the readers, or maybe just being too much of a headache to read...)

And please, give my novel a sincere review. I don't care if it's harsh or not I just need to know if it's still worth completing.
Otherwise, I'll make a reboot. Or trying to make another story altogether.

Re: Can someone review my work so I can polish it more?

#2
You have some grammar and sentence structure issues you could work on to make the flow better. My comments are in italics.

Closing the ancient book in silence, he put it down on a desk, pulling a bedsheet over his young Lord whose eyelids a little bit heavy on the side.

Once you finished with the book, it is better to finish your sentence, otherwise, the sequence of actions becomes garbled. The sentence is so long, that you forgot the third verb, relating to the Young Lord eyelids. I cannot understand what happens to the YL. The action of pulling the sheet over him, though, make me think the YL is dead.



 The flickering candlelight that serves to keep the mirth visible on the walls, were put down to rest as the Butler took his leave.

You switched to present tense with ‘serve’ and I do not understand why ‘mirth’ is visible on the walls. Candlelight is a singular form of the noun, but your verb is in plural, ‘were’. I can on,y assume you are missing words, like ‘shadows’ maybe. ‘As butler’ etc is a construction to be careful of, because when repeated too often, it starts sticking out (like in your next sentence).

Before closing the door, he took one last look at the room. Seeing his young Lord's peaceful breathing while asleep, he strode out into the dimly-lit hallways. A tender smile had worn over his ageless face.

The second sentence has the construction ‘peaceful breathing while asleep’ that is awkward. If you want to keep that, you probably should start it with ‘after’, I.e. After ensuring that his lord is breathing peacefully in his sleep, he strode out... etc. The verb ‘worn over’ does not makes sense with the ‘tender smile’. I think you meant ‘spread’.

I think you need to rework your text a bit more carefully so it is easier to understand it. At the moment, it is very hard to follow it, unfortunately, and that is just the opening paragraph.

Re: Can someone review my work so I can polish it more?

#3
Domi Sotto Wrote: You have some grammar and sentence structure issues you could work on to make the flow better. My comments are in italics.

Closing the ancient book in silence, he put it down on a desk, pulling a bedsheet over his young Lord whose eyelids a little bit heavy on the side.

Once you finished with the book, it is better to finish your sentence, otherwise, the sequence of actions becomes garbled. The sentence is so long, that you forgot the third verb, relating to the Young Lord eyelids. I cannot understand what happens to the YL. The action of pulling the sheet over him, though, make me think the YL is dead.



 The flickering candlelight that serves to keep the mirth visible on the walls, were put down to rest as the Butler took his leave.

You switched to present tense with ‘serve’ and I do not understand why ‘mirth’ is visible on the walls. Candlelight is a singular form of the noun, but your verb is in plural, ‘were’. I can on,y assume you are missing words, like ‘shadows’ maybe. ‘As butler’ etc is a construction to be careful of, because when repeated too often, it starts sticking out (like in your next sentence).

Before closing the door, he took one last look at the room. Seeing his young Lord's peaceful breathing while asleep, he strode out into the dimly-lit hallways. A tender smile had worn over his ageless face.

The second sentence has the construction ‘peaceful breathing while asleep’ that is awkward. If you want to keep that, you probably should start it with ‘after’, I.e. After ensuring that his lord is breathing peacefully in his sleep, he strode out... etc. The verb ‘worn over’ does not makes sense with the ‘tender smile’. I think you meant ‘spread’.

I think you need to rework your text a bit more carefully so it is easier to understand it. At the moment, it is very hard to follow it, unfortunately, and that is just the opening paragraph.


Already in the first chapter and there are many glaring mistakes?! Thanks for spotting, will fix them right away!
Also, I appreciate your help but did you finish the entire chapter? Or did it was a turn-off after all? Sorry to bother you, I'm just concern whether my work and writing is good or not. (ps: sorry for the late reply. And english ain't my native language)

Re: Can someone review my work so I can polish it more?

#5
Domi Sotto Wrote: I did not really read further, because writing this out to try to explain what in my view (and only in my view) is wrong took a long time. 

I understand that you want comments on your plot and characters, and that comments on grammar are not sexy. I understand that the next person will post any second now will tell you 'it's cool' and I will sound like a nitpicky ass. I still think that your language skill is not yet at a level when you can convey a story in English. 

I absolutely think you should keep practicing your English skill, and writing is a great way to do it. My suggestion is to not rush into a long piece, and rather start with a very short story. You can try to subdivide it into simple sentences that say exactly what you want it to say. 

I understand that it does not sound as glamorous as writing a novel; that many people who would read your text on the net are not fluid English speakers so it may seem unimportant and boring; that plenty of people with decent grammar get no reads on their fictions, while some broken stuff becomes popular.

So, yes, my advice has limited value.


Thanks I appreciate the advice, and yeah I still think I have a long way to go before putting a strong piece of work particularly if it's a long one. Don't worry though, I do have plans on writing a short story since that may be the best platform to start with my current skills, especially if I want to improve my english comprehension. Deciding on what to write has really weighing me thus far, so your help is much needed. 

It was nice getting to know someone's thoughts on your work  so again, you have my thanks. 
Anyway, good luck on writing your piece!

Re: Can someone review my work so I can polish it more?

#6
CookieMaster Wrote:
Domi Sotto Wrote: I did not really read further, because writing this out to try to explain what in my view (and only in my view) is wrong took a long time. 

I understand that you want comments on your plot and characters, and that comments on grammar are not sexy. I understand that the next person will post any second now will tell you 'it's cool' and I will sound like a nitpicky ass. I still think that your language skill is not yet at a level when you can convey a story in English. 

I absolutely think you should keep practicing your English skill, and writing is a great way to do it. My suggestion is to not rush into a long piece, and rather start with a very short story. You can try to subdivide it into simple sentences that say exactly what you want it to say. 

I understand that it does not sound as glamorous as writing a novel; that many people who would read your text on the net are not fluid English speakers so it may seem unimportant and boring; that plenty of people with decent grammar get no reads on their fictions, while some broken stuff becomes popular.

So, yes, my advice has limited value.


Thanks I appreciate the advice, and yeah I still think I have a long way to go before putting a strong piece of work particularly if it's a long one. Don't worry though, I do have plans on writing a short story since that may be the best platform to start with my current skills, especially if I want to improve my english comprehension. Deciding on what to write has really weighing me thus far, so your help is much needed. 

It was nice getting to know someone's thoughts on your work  so again, you have my thanks. 
Anyway, good luck on writing your piece!


Thank you. Your forum posts are clear and concise, so if you bring it over to your fiction, it will be great.

Re: Can someone review my work so I can polish it more?

#7
There is an easy trick to testing your writing.  Read it out loud.  If it sounds off, unnatural or stilted, then you know you need to revise.  Also, don't ever stop writing.  I try to write at least a few sentences every single day, even if it is crap and I delete it the next day.  Writing is a craft as much as it is an art.  Get your story out, even if you're not satisfied with your writing.  I wrote a book years ago (highly derivative, unoriginal, and poorly paced) but by the end of the book, my writing was drastically better than when I started it.  I even went back and rewrote the first six chapters to bring them up to the same level as the rest of it (which was still highly derivative, unoriginal, and poorly paced).

But the skills I learned off that piece of work have helped me a lot.  I flushed a 200,000 word fiction, but it was time well spent.