Re: Offering Feedback

#1
Hello I am looking to workshop some fiction or really whatever writing that you have. The feedback that I am offering is mostly in the work-shopping form, where I comment on the larger form, structure and plot vs. critiquing fine elements like grammar, spelling and sentence structure although I will point out recurring mistakes. However if fine-tune review is what you want and your piece is short enough, I'd be willing to give it a go. I'm hoping to return feedback within a week, so in the interest of time don't ask for feedback on anything longer than 10,000 words, and if there are more than 10 incomplete requests in thread don't make another.

For the most part, I am going to respond first come first served. However, I will pass people over for low effort or they make a submission that already has an existing audience. In order to improve my feedback going forward, I will ask you to answer a few questions to "review" my review. If you choose to pm me your application, please still leave a comment so I can manage the queue. Thanks, I look forward to reading your submissions.

To apply fill out this application.
What are you writing?

How intensive feedback do you want? (Overarching/Moderate/Fine) Roughly how long is your work? The shorter your work is, the closer I'll inspect it.

Who are you targeting your writing to?

What is the response you want from your writing?(Mark as spoiler so I can compare against my actual reaction)

Your actual submission (Can also be sent through PM if desired):

[Queue 3/10]*Updated 12/29*

Re: Offering Feedback

#2
Hi, may I apply?

I'm planning to write an original story (one chapter is already published) but it was so bad that i decide to practice first. So, I was planning to finish this fanfiction that i wrote. It almost completed. I hope you're willing to give me honest feedback (give me your worse, I'm aware my story is terrible. I need to improve myself)

Here is my answer 

  1. I'm writing a one piece fanfiction about Ace being reincarnated in another world after he died. There was also time travel happening somewhere in there.

  2. Any length is okay. I need you to tell me honestly just how bad is it or if the story is easy to understand.

  3. I am targeting a much more mature audience. It's rated 18+

  4. I want an honest opinion whether the story I write is interesting enough to read or not. Give me your worse. I need it. 

Thank you for your time. Here is the link to my submission. 

Change my Heart, Change my World, Change me

I would like to warn you before you decide. I have terrible grammar and prone to typos. In case you want to reconsider. I will not have hard feeling. Thank you again.
 

Re: Offering Feedback

#3
7midnight Wrote:

  1. I'm writing a one piece fanfiction about Ace being reincarnated in another world after he died. There was also time travel happening somewhere in there.

  2. Any length is okay. I need you to tell me honestly just how bad is it or if the story is easy to understand.

  3. I am targeting a much more mature audience. It's rated 18+

  4. I want an honest opinion whether the story I write is interesting enough to read or not. Give me your worse. I need it. 

Thank you for your time. Here is the link to my submission. 

Change my Heart, Change my World, Change me

I would like to warn you before you decide. I have terrible grammar and prone to typos. In case you want to reconsider. I will not have hard feeling. Thank you again.

I'll admit that it has been several years since I've read One Piece, so I'll mostly be assessing this on how well it stands alone. It seems you misunderstood question 2 of the application, the word counts I'm referring are the length of submissions, not how long my feedback is. Strictly speaking, your submission is over 10,000 words so it exceeds my maximum length criteria. However, these rules are really meant so I can process everything if I am flooded, and are a work in progress to begin with, so I'll make an exception since you are the first responder. Might take me longer to get through it though, so if speed is what you are looking for select the chapters that you think are most important and I'll just look at those.

Re: Offering Feedback

#4
Ah, I see. I am sorry for my misunderstanding. You can take your time. The Prologue part is Chapter 1 - 9. After that is The second part and I am writing the last (chapters) part of the story now. I already being helped by you and I am thankful for that, just do whichever chapter you want first. You must be busy and have another important thing to do, I am okay with waiting.

your help is much appreciated. Thank you again! 

Re: Offering Feedback

#5
My story's already way too long to apply in full, but if you would allow it, I would be okay with just a review of the last few chapters.

What are you writing?

It is a light fantasy whisked-into-another-world setting with some game elements.


How intensive feedback do you want? Overarching/Moderate(Less than 5000 words)/Fine(Less than 2000 words)
In line with what I mentioned above, I'd ideally go Overarching for the most coverage, but I'm okay with Moderate, which would roughly correspond to 1 or 2 chapters.

Who are you targeting your writing to?
15+, primarily male, I would estimate. Specifically ones who are into anime, video games, and the like

What is the response you want from your writing?(Mark as spoiler so I can compare against my actual reaction)
Spoiler :
I'd like some advice mainly on how to improve writing style and storytelling, my two biggest weaknesses. I would also appreciate your pointing out any other shortcoming you can come across.

Your actual submission (Can also be sent through PM if desired):
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/17836/isekai-strategy-game
Or you can also click the banner my signature.

Re: Offering Feedback

#6
tanemrin Wrote: My story's already way too long to apply in full, but if you would allow it, I would be okay with just a review of the last few chapters.

I'm happy to just review the last few chapters. Is there a chapter you think would be a good point to start from? Starting towards the end means that I will be missing lots of setup, so keep that in mind.

Re: Offering Feedback

#7
Kamtatpi Wrote: I'm happy to just review the last few chapters. Is there a chapter you think would be a good point to start from? Starting towards the end means that I will be missing lots of setup, so keep that in mind.

If you can do Chapter 33, which is the last actual story chapter (the one right before the afterword), that'd already be more than 5000 words. There's a little bit of relevant setup for it in the preceding chapter, but the two combined is already a little over 10k words, so...

Anyway, I think it's inevitable that you'd miss something here and there unless you were willing to read a lot of the chapters before it, so don't worry about it.

Re: Offering Feedback

#8
Hi, my story is more than 10,000 words by now, but maybe you can read just the first few chapters. I write about 2000-2500 words per chapter, so probably chapter 1-4/5. And maybe if you don't mind, after that you could jump to the latest chapter to see if made some progress in my English grammar.

Thanks, I appreciate every chance for someone to give a read and get to know what they think about it. Thanks.

What are you writing?
It's going to be a cultivation (xianxia) in a modern world setting. If most xianxia jumped into a world where all the cultivation, monster, etc already exist, then in this story (book 1) I want to write how the normal world changed into a xianxia world.

How intensive feedback do you want? Overarching/Moderate(Less than 5000 words)/Fine(Less than 2000 words)
Less than 2000 words. I want to know if the first few chapters are interesting enough for people to keep reading.

Who are you targeting your writing to?
People who like cultivation story.

What is the response you want from your writing?(Mark as spoiler so I can compare against my actual reaction)
Spoiler :
I want the reader to grow fond toward all the protagonists. So I try to mix some slice of life, the growing pains, the relation between characters, etc.

Your actual submission (Can also be sent through PM if desired)

The Young Daoist => I try to write about a young man who inherited cultivation techniques from his father, but it's useless because in modern world all those techniques aren't working due to the lack of magical/spiritual energy.


Re: Offering Feedback

#9
tanemrin Wrote: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/17836/isekai-strategy-game
Or you can also click the banner my signature.

Overall, I think that from I read your chapter writing is fairly solid. I didn't find much complain about without being nit picky. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to look at your work as whole, because with the small scale aspects handled the long term planning of your fiction is where you should focus your attention. As I read through your chapters I took notes on my reactions, which I will put below. Good work, and given I enjoyed what I read I might come back and read the rest.

Summary:
·      It’s alright. It presents a somewhat unique twist on a tried formula, but doesn’t do much to differentiate.
·      A summary only needs good grammar and spelling. However, a great summary is your hook. The primary source of readership is word of mouth, but early adopters still need to see something in your work to pick it up.
·      You could revise the summary given your new knowledge of your story’s direction, but until you finish I probably wouldn’t worry about it.

Chapter 33:
·      Writing of first few paragraphs seems solid. Descriptive, but not bogged down in meaningless side details.
·      Pacing of the first section is a little slow. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, that depends on what you were doing in the chapters before.
·      “The House of Lords was split [in] two,”
·      I don’t know how many of the nobility were introduced before. It becomes confusing for the reader when you introduce too many characters before developing them.
·      I like how you portray the scheming in this story. To give a rival an abnormally large, but ultimately worthless piece of land is a sophisticated scheme. It is easy to understand when explained, but not simple enough that your reader would immediately think of it which is a truly difficult accomplishment.
·      Rika comes across as the energetic, sociable servant, and, potentially, love interest given the way that Sylphia describes her.
·      The rest of banquet progresses at a reasonable pace and plays well into the personalities of your characters.
 
Extra Chapter
·      “enthralled by -his- ringing his finger around its lip”
·      So, I take it that Sylphia can control monsters?
·      Short chapter, not much to criticize.

Re: Offering Feedback

#10
Kamtatpi Wrote: Overall...

Thank you very much, this is exactly what I was looking for!

I'll take your advice and shift my focus to story planning.

And in the writing front, I get that these are the areas I need to improve in:

  • Summary

  • Pacing

  • Character introduction - I couldn't help but spit out a lot of new names since the chapter involved the introduction of the congress itself... And it would have been weird if the only ones who did the talking were those who had been previously introduced (only Christoff, Rosteforough and Saunders among those named).

  • Grammar - I probably shouldn't put all my trust in grammar checking software...

And I'm glad to know that you enjoyed it. If you do come back and give it a read, would it be okay to hear your thoughts about it then?



Re: Offering Feedback

#11
If you prefer to give feedback on stories that are less than 10,000 words in length, I have posted two fan fictions in the last week.

1.  Power in the Word.  One chapter Fan fiction story based on the former TV Series "Joan of Arcadia"; in which Joan is suspended from school for bringing a Bible to class.  This story is 2,693 words in length.

2.  Seven Hills 90210.  Fan fiction story.  A crossover based on two former TV Series, "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer".  Beverly Hills girls Brenda and Kelly are feuding over Dylan, when Anyanka the Vengeance Demon from "Buffy" offers to help. This story is 1,264 words in length. 

Re: Offering Feedback

#12
Hi, I made a novel called the Realm of mysteries. I know I should be embarrassed because it's only 20 pages but it's going to be a really long story. I just wanted to know how my grammar and style is so far. Am I too rushed or am I slow paced or is there something else? These kind of things. Also how is my style of writing especially the action parts does it get interesting for the reader? Or is it just meh~ ? Please it would be a huge favour if you would do this for me. I would appreciate it. 

Thank you.

Re: Offering Feedback

#14
Hi! I'd love some feedback for my story :). 
1) I'm writing a portal (Of sorts) fantasy adventure called The World Changer.

2) I'd like an overarching review mainly on the pacing, characters and plot. Its at 4965 words right now. I've only put up the first chapter so far, which is split into three parts and a small prologue. Since it's the first draft, I'd prefer to not have critiques on word choices, flow, typos etc (Unless there's a recurrent or major problem), because it's very possible that some scenes might not make it to subsequent drafts in the first place. Be as harsh as you want! Though I'd also love to hear the good things XD.

3) It's YA, probably more on the younger 12-15 age range. But it's really for anyone who likes fantasy adventures.

4)
Spoiler :
As it's the first chapter, I'd like for people to be hooked and be curious about how the rest of the story would go. I'd like my characters to be understood and realistic. 

5)https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/22392/the-world-changer

Re: Offering Feedback

#15
Hi, 
Are you still giving feed back? I would like to get your opinion on my story.

1. It is a science-fiction/ fantasy story. The overarching theme of my story is that it takes place in the Nol Galaxy, which has many unique and interesting planets and races Besides that, right now each chapter is a standalone, but I'm trying to eventually start making connections between characters and also revisit past characters.

2. I would like as detailed a review as you have time for. I find the stories interesting, but I'm not sure how they come across to other people. Right now, I only have a few chapters up, but I'm posting weekly. If you can, can you also read the description to see if it works well for the story.

3. I'm targeting people who enjoy fantasy and science fiction. The stories wont be graphic, but I think they may be enjoyed by a more mature audience.

4. I really just want people to become really interested in the Nol Galaxy, and want to read more about it as a whole rather. 


Here is a link to the story:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/21989/visions-of-nol


Thank you.


Re: Offering Feedback

#16
Hello!

Each chapter is around 1,500 to 2,500 words~

What I'm looking for:
Basics: Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling 
Suggestions: Critical and insightful suggestions 
Feedback: Which parts are boring/irrelevant/unclear 
Help: Clarity, direction, expanding, pacing, tension, drama 
Final Note: I don't need help with the characters/worldbuilding as I have them fleshed out. I mainly need help with getting the right ideas across to the readers.

~

What are you writing? 
Original series where the focus is literally on the big brother and little sister. Mixture of fantasy, adventure, and 18+ content. It's inspired from a godly combination of my favorite animes - Irregular at Magic Highschool + Overlord.

How intensive feedback do you want? (Overarching/Moderate/Fine) Roughly how long is your work? 
Overarching (reference to what I'm looking for). Please read up to Arc I: Afterword. Which is around the total of 12K words.

My skin is TITANIUM. DESTROY IT.

Who are you targeting your writing to? 
- People who love a good fantasy, magical academy, school life
- People who love OP characters
- People who love big brother x little sister trope
- People who want realistic romantic interactions and not afraid to read 18+

What is the response you want from your writing?(Mark as spoiler so I can compare against my actual reaction) 
Spoiler :
Too much info-dumping, especially in the prologue. It would have just worked without the needless explanation and have the reader guess (building dat suspense). Thus, should have included some mystery element in each chapter. The tier of magic is not explained thoroughly and can be confusing for readers. Also, the battle scene with Mich could have handled much better, possibly adding more background story and why he did what he did (dude just straight up cursed him in class without any repercussion). There needs to more realism regarding how Dr. Lirin handles the situation (if this was an actual real school setting). Possibly add some unique points to the MCs as they seem generic Onii-chan and imoutos. (just seem needless OP)

STORY

Re: Offering Feedback

#17
Excuse me, are you still offering feed back? If so, please take a look at my fiction


https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/23021/death-gods-another-world-adventure

What are you Writing?

A fantasy where the MC is a Death God that wants a vacation. The world is filled with game elements, as well as magic.

How Intensive feedback do you want? (Overarching/Moderate/Fine) Roughly how long is your work?

Overarching please. As long as it helps me improve. My fiction right now has 8 chapters, with each ranging from 1000 - 1500 words. If it's long, it's fine if it's just the first few chapters.

Who are you targeting your writing to?

People who like literal GODS as the MC.
People who like moderately strong MC.

What is the response you want from your writing?

I can't find the spoiler button, so can I send a PM to you instead if you plan to review my work?
Literally, I dunno where the heck is the spoiler button, it's not here in the tabs...