Re: *clap* *clap* Book Review (first impressions really)

#1
Who wants an honest review on their story? Unfortunately I only have time to review first chapters (or two depending on length) and will tell you straight up what I think my first impressions are. It also might take some time since I have to deconstruct the chapter and give you advice, etc., and all that good stuff.

Will go nice on people.

You can roast on my story as well but remember, I'm the Daddy here. Here's the link: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/21634/a-hero-returns
Ask if you want the review as PM or on the forum.

I'm also on hiatus on weekends, so I will review your story during the weekdays.


See you then. [Hiatus due to Finals Week]


I'll leave the titles I'd already left my first impression on here (either by PM, forum, or on their story):
- The Young Daoist (Book One: Filial Piety)
- Classmancers
- Super!
- Powder Keg Balloons
- Foreworlds
- Duality


Re: *clap* *clap* Book Review (first impressions really)

#6
Wrote: I'd be up for a *clap* *clap* book review. My story's in the sig. It's a superhero story with a medieval fantasy twist.

You can just leave it as a forum reply :)



Ever heard of a map creating site called Inkarnate? It’s really good and I was one of the Beta Testers.

“BOI” the father shouted. (God of War 4 UGGGH)

*ahem* alright, back to it.

[Part 1]
So, we hit off during a brutal siege of Goldbrand. Oooh, I can feel the EDGE of this story by your descriptors and sense of imagery. Now apparently the protagonist is Kiren. He’s obviously not in the best of places, and his father’s abusive actions REALLY makes me think about that meme: “*disk rewind* So you’re probably wondering how I got here.” And his father must be one hell of a warrior if others tell him to “…get that gate torn.” Forge and Lord Ender do seem like nice people, nice regarding how sympathetic they feel to the main character though their alignments are yet to be judged. And the story ends with “paragon defenders” coming into play and they might be the game changer in winning the fight against the Villains. Despite how action pack (and eye-grabbing) this scene is, I would advise you to not make it like a Michael Bay action scene (all jazz, no flair). Also “Villains” has been capitalized: is this a faction, a group of people, or perhaps a typo? Who knows, haha. Let’s go on to Part 2 (because this is only 500 words).

[Part 2 baby!]
Woah, Gilean might be pretty big.

Alright so more action happening. Just like what the Author Note says too. I ain’t going to really go in depth to what is happening around (I will explain at the end), so I will go on to the key events I saw. Despite Kiren being some sort of a wimp, he does run REAL FAST. Now he was “rescued” by a woman that is mucho-macho than his father (damn girl) but keep the subject consistent. Like, is it a girl (young pretext) or is it a woman (older pretext). We end up learning her name to be Lace and her dad is Hero, a well-known C rank Hero. So, there’s a ranking system for heroes in this world? Hmm, reminds me of One Punch Man.
Wait a minute, Kiren is on the enemy team?! Woah woah, what is going on?! Forge, Lord Ender, and “BOI Caller (Ripper, haha)” are not good? Nice twist. So Ripper (Kiren’s father) is fighting against a B rank Hero Titaness and it seemed like he was winning, only for the B rank to turn the tide and win with the help of Kiren (well, not really sure he did much but a win is a win!). So Kiren is apparently part of the faction “Dark Eye” and by the sound of it, seems like they are a lively, evil bunch. So, the Villains are in their side…? And it ends with Lord Ender entering in like “Sup, how are ya?”
Not much here to critique, though I will explain at the end notes.

[Part 3]
Phew, this is pretty long of a prologue if you ask me.

So Gale, the C rank hero decides to act all “Eh if you don’t comply we will eliminate you!” only for him to be legless and the soldiers who came with him gone into dust (Mr. Stark… I don’t feel good…). Lace tried to take some piece of the pie soon after RIP dad, but Kiren stopped her just before Lord Ender bodied (massacred is the better term to be honest) everyone around them. Then a new face came into play, Paragon. The two seemingly fought and the end result has the “angel-like” woman loosing an arm (Tis’ but a scratch!) and Lord Ender’s sight being… gone? Ripper saw Kiren and being the good son he is, Kiren ran while the Dark Eye retreated.
Like before I will explain my critique at the end notes.

[End Notes]
Woah, this is really a long prologue. Generally, prologues are the eye grabbers of the story and are relatively short, giving the readers a glimpse of what the story is going to be about. I would suggest next time your prologues be short and straight to the point. On the topic of being straight to the point, there’s A LOT of things you will have to explain to the reader later on in this three-part prologue, or else this will just be a bunch of mumbo-jumbo:

“Who are the Villains?”, “Who are the Heroes?”, “Why are they fighting?”, “What the hell is going on?”

There are some of the questions I had reading the story. Chekov’s Gun, remember that (if you don’t know what that is, look it up as it is [in my opinion] one of the MOST IMPORTANT aspects of writing fiction). Otherwise, you are really good at writing action scenes. Everything can be vividly seen and by the looks of the ending, this fight will be significant on the long run.  Just uh, keep what I said in Part 1 (all jazz, no flair) and do not end up doing by Mr. Bay does.

Otherwise these are my thoughts, advise, and feedback on your story. Take what you will and keep it up!

Daddy out.









Re: *clap* *clap* Book Review (first impressions really)

#7
Wrote:
Wrote: I'd be up for a *clap* *clap* book review. My story's in the sig. It's a superhero story with a medieval fantasy twist.

You can just leave it as a forum reply :)



Ever heard of a map creating site called Inkarnate? It’s really good and I was one of the Beta Testers.

“BOI” the father shouted. (God of War 4 UGGGH)

*ahem* alright, back to it.

[Part 1]
So, we hit off during a brutal siege of Goldbrand. Oooh, I can feel the EDGE of this story by your descriptors and sense of imagery. Now apparently the protagonist is Kiren. He’s obviously not in the best of places, and his father’s abusive actions REALLY makes me think about that meme: “*disk rewind* So you’re probably wondering how I got here.” And his father must be one hell of a warrior if others tell him to “…get that gate torn.” Forge and Lord Ender do seem like nice people, nice regarding how sympathetic they feel to the main character though their alignments are yet to be judged. And the story ends with “paragon defenders” coming into play and they might be the game changer in winning the fight against the Villains. Despite how action pack (and eye-grabbing) this scene is, I would advise you to not make it like a Michael Bay action scene (all jazz, no flair). Also “Villains” has been capitalized: is this a faction, a group of people, or perhaps a typo? Who knows, haha. Let’s go on to Part 2 (because this is only 500 words).

[Part 2 baby!]
Woah, Gilean might be pretty big.

Alright so more action happening. Just like what the Author Note says too. I ain’t going to really go in depth to what is happening around (I will explain at the end), so I will go on to the key events I saw. Despite Kiren being some sort of a wimp, he does run REAL FAST. Now he was “rescued” by a woman that is mucho-macho than his father (damn girl) but keep the subject consistent. Like, is it a girl (young pretext) or is it a woman (older pretext). We end up learning her name to be Lace and her dad is Hero, a well-known C rank Hero. So, there’s a ranking system for heroes in this world? Hmm, reminds me of One Punch Man.
Wait a minute, Kiren is on the enemy team?! Woah woah, what is going on?! Forge, Lord Ender, and “BOI Caller (Ripper, haha)” are not good? Nice twist. So Ripper (Kiren’s father) is fighting against a B rank Hero Titaness and it seemed like he was winning, only for the B rank to turn the tide and win with the help of Kiren (well, not really sure he did much but a win is a win!). So Kiren is apparently part of the faction “Dark Eye” and by the sound of it, seems like they are a lively, evil bunch. So, the Villains are in their side…? And it ends with Lord Ender entering in like “Sup, how are ya?”
Not much here to critique, though I will explain at the end notes.

[Part 3]
Phew, this is pretty long of a prologue if you ask me.

So Gale, the C rank hero decides to act all “Eh if you don’t comply we will eliminate you!” only for him to be legless and the soldiers who came with him gone into dust (Mr. Stark… I don’t feel good…). Lace tried to take some piece of the pie soon after RIP dad, but Kiren stopped her just before Lord Ender bodied (massacred is the better term to be honest) everyone around them. Then a new face came into play, Paragon. The two seemingly fought and the end result has the “angel-like” woman loosing an arm (Tis’ but a scratch!) and Lord Ender’s sight being… gone? Ripper saw Kiren and being the good son he is, Kiren ran while the Dark Eye retreated.
Like before I will explain my critique at the end notes.

[End Notes]
Woah, this is really a long prologue. Generally, prologues are the eye grabbers of the story and are relatively short, giving the readers a glimpse of what the story is going to be about. I would suggest next time your prologues be short and straight to the point. On the topic of being straight to the point, there’s A LOT of things you will have to explain to the reader later on in this three-part prologue, or else this will just be a bunch of mumbo-jumbo:

“Who are the Villains?”, “Who are the Heroes?”, “Why are they fighting?”, “What the hell is going on?”

There are some of the questions I had reading the story. Chekov’s Gun, remember that (if you don’t know what that is, look it up as it is [in my opinion] one of the MOST IMPORTANT aspects of writing fiction). Otherwise, you are really good at writing action scenes. Everything can be vividly seen and by the looks of the ending, this fight will be significant on the long run.  Just uh, keep what I said in Part 1 (all jazz, no flair) and do not end up doing by Mr. Bay does.

Otherwise these are my thoughts, advise, and feedback on your story. Take what you will and keep it up!

Daddy out.


Thanks for getting around to it so quickly! 

I know the prologue is ungodly long :/. Based on your feedback, I might just go back and shave a couple hundred words off it wherever I can. 

I do think the prologue is important to the overall story, though. It sets up the thematic conflict between Heroes and Villains, specifically Ender and Paragon, as well as the main antagonist and the "milestone" minor antagonists. 

It also serves as the crux of the character motivation for both of the main characters, and ties them together for the future.

There's, uh... There's a lot to fit in. I've gone through several iterations with this prologue, and each time I've not been able to get it below around this length. I don't think the story would work the same way if I just started on chapter 1.

It's a bit janky, but yknow, I like it.

Anyway, thank you very much for your feedback. It's given me something to think about, and I'll see if I can make some edits based on your comments. 

Re: *clap* *clap* Book Review (first impressions really)

#8
I'd really appreciate more reviews of Foreworlds. I'm just getting started but I would appreciate some feedback on how it's going so far. Foreworlds is a LitPRG portal story and the world the MC is sent to, or at least the place he ends up, is more of an Eastern magic setting with a mix of Shinto, Daoism, Onmyodo, and a few other things. I decided not to go with the standard Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits kind of fantasy world and created a number of fictional races of my own. I'd especially appreciate feedback in any and all areas where I'm departing from convention. Feel free to weigh in on the poll I have running right now as well.
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