Re: Where am I lacking in my story?

#1
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/18845/i-will-burn-up-my-kingdom-and-disappear

I have been publishing every other day recently hoping for an increase in my viewer count, but the figure is not improving. 

I am literally at this point where I am no longer sure if I should finish the story or start another one.

I just need someone to tell me what I am doing wrong, and the good parts if possible.

You may butcher me with comments, no matter how sharp they are.

Re: Where am I lacking in my story?

#2
The start is... weird. It focuses on everything that the fiction apparently isn't about. Why are there whole two chapters dedicated to promoting and demoting chefs instead of trying to introduce a central conflict or trying to situate the story?

Also, there are some weird interactions and weird sentences.

Chapter 1: 
Quote:I am 25 years old, and my father died when he was 65 years old, an exact age difference of 40 years.

This is way too blunt. The information in itself seems largely irrelevant, but the way it is presented makes it even worse.

Chapter 2: 
Quote:And yet she still did not get married... perhaps she is a lesbian in secret. It will be fun to confirm this assumption.

Sounds like too modern a term, and the followup is just creepy.

The first chapter to mention what is in the synopsis is Chapter 3, and even then it's a flashback/story. So, when the main plot point is started being told instead of shown, I as a reader am somewhat disinterested.

Re: Where am I lacking in my story?

#3
I'll start with something that I think every writer should keep in mind: Don't dismiss the readers you have got. The story has 22 Followers and 220 views on average. These are the people that read your novel, that want to know how it continues and that are engaged with it. Why would you throw that away?

Now then, I didn't do a thorough reading of your story, so I can't say anything about things like character development or anything. Instead, I did what I do for most stories I check out: Read the synopsis, read the first and last chapter (to see if the style changed). Going by that, as a fellow writer, I can see three issues with your story from my personal opinion. Let me start by saying that you've got an interesting foundation and a setting that isn't often seen. Also keep in mind it's my opinion and I don't mean to tear you down. By all means, keep writing your story, don't disappoint your readers by just stopping!


  1. The synopsis didn't manage to draw me in. It jumps through various concepts at lightning pace, introduces things not relevant to the reader yet (father's manipulation) and fails to make the stakes clear. Let me rephrase it: It's a fallen kingdom at the verge of collapse, his tyrant of a father messed it up bad, their enemies are legion and legendary beasts breath destruction down their necks. But now one man alone takes up the king's mantle to challenge fate itself - to stop what was pre-ordained. Awesome! Yeah. I'm in. Rajid sounds badass. But in your synopsis, he appears like a boy with daddy issues that things just happen to - and there's also war and monsters.

  2. In Media Res. The premise is that you start with the story in motion. Something important happens right away, there's drama, a threat, the stakes are set and before you know it, you're already in the middle of it. But when I read the first chapter it was about a man getting out of bed. May I suggest a slight shift? Start with the new king meeting this Varwarn immediately and develop it from there. Show how the people react:
    The people around Rajid are nervous, how will the new king deal with this insubordinate man? Rajid can see the doubt in their eyes, his father was an unjust monster and now the child is about to make his first real decision. He lifts his hand to point, yet a servant nearby cowers by instinct and Varwarn stares at him with a rebellious spark in his eyes.

  3. Your paragraphs need sorting. This should be the easiest to fix. You basically give every sentence its own paragraph which makes it quite difficult for me to read. It's like I'm reading a shopping list instead of a story. But it's not so much the choice of words but rather your formatting that does it. Bundle up these actions into paragraphs, is what I'm saying. From there, you could perhaps smooth over the various sentences a bit. It's not much but could have a great impact.

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