The Ultimate Supporter
Mona stood there, her body has stopped shaking as she stared at Sarah with no expression.
“... do I have to set a goal?” Mona asked quietly.
“Yes, if you do not then you will not be allowed to play Road Builder.”
“...why? Why do we have to set a goal?”
“This game is about inspiring people to work hard towards something that they wish to achieve. Don’t you have something you wish to achieve too ma’am?”
“... I… do.”
“What is your goal then ma’am?”
“My goal… my goal is to become the ultimate supporter.” Feelings rushed back into Mona’s eyes as she clenched both her fists hard. “I want to help others succeed. I don’t need to be the main character. I want other people to be the main character.” Mona yelled as tears began to stream down her face. “I just… I just want to feel needed again.” Mona sniffled. Sarah looked at her with a soft expression on her face.
“Is ‘I want to become the ultimate supporter’ your final choice?” Sarah asked. Mona bit on her lip as tears continued to stream down her face. She slowly nodded her head. “Alright then… this goal has been registered onto your avatar. You will soon spawn into a town and began your journey.” Sarah smiled, her eyes illuminating warmth to Mona. Mona nodded her head understanding as she wiped away the tears. A blue circle appeared around her as numbers counting down from ten appeared in front of her.
10… 9… 8…
“By the way ma’am.” Sarah said.
“I am sure you will achieve that goal, and to guarantee that, I give you my blessings.”
“Enjoy your time in Road Builder.”
Please point out if you notice any mistakes so that I can fix it. Also, because I re-edit this a lot so the chapters are going to come out very slowly(and because the blue tables take a while to do). Any comments and reviews are welcomed and are appreciated! Thanks for reading!
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I can't wait for the next chapter...please release it soon
Style: Good emotional writing. Author does a great job pulling reader into the charector shoes. Very good use of close third person narrarion. Slow methodical world building that comes off a natural.
Story. Very good use of flashbacks to create charector history and add mystery. Though I think they author should focus more on advancing the plot and space the flashbacks and history out over time. At 110 pages in which is a good 3rd many novels and we only have a beginnings of the current plot.
Grammar: I only caught a few issues here and there. Nothing gamebreaking. Though still very readable and grammar is good enough to provide a flowing reading experiance.
Charactor: Easily best part of the story. So far the main focus of the story has been the history and emotional state of the MC revealed in lengthy bits that continue to raise more questions than answered. So far other charector are only shown in small portions, but I believe this is more to add mystery than a lack of charectoization. The small portions we get have their own personality and intrigue. Only issue here is we know next to little about her in game companions beside this person owns a house, this one's grumpy and sells herbs, this one knows random assortment of low level magic. I think that's where we could get the most improvement.
Pretty good so far with what is up, haven't seem many if any mistakes. Hope it continues to be an entertaining read for time to come.
Its not bad lets strat with the good. The game and it system seem intresting so far. Although the magic i think needs to be tweic cause it seems werid the guy casts it takes him a while thats ok but he can talk while hes "casting" that part seemed werid or ocurred.
The bad everything outside the game is just anyoing. I hate reading vr stories just for that reason in this one we have a troubled teen girl which i found hrlard to read or care about it got to the point that i just skipped reading when she exited the game. Over all it seems ok id like to see more, and have more of the system fleshed out. Keep it up writer.