Hey, author here. Thought I’d have the voices in my head cast of Everybody Loves Large Chests join me in wishing everyone a happy new year, so I asked many of them to write a few words!
Hello, delicious morsel. Would you like your new year to be tasty and/or shiny? If so, feel free to jump into my mouth. It’s a magical portal to a happy place, I promise.
-Boxxy T. Morningwood
I like to think the new year replaces the old one by whipping it until it passes out. I know it’s not like that, I just like to think about it.
-Master’s Best Snack
You go out there and you punch that new year in the face! Teach the motherfucker who’s boss from the get go!
-Koralenteprix Khusuuszun Caonthioxxaa
Tktktktkt… I hope your next year has exactly as many stabbings in it as you want it to have.
If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep a close eye on me in the coming year.
Happy new year everyone! Lots of happiness and success!
Great, another shitty year of playing backup dancer to a fucking box.
A singular year is meaningless in the ceaseless march of time.
A few words.
Good fortune to all, and to all a good year.
What do you mean a new year? Is the old one, like, broken or something?
Happy new year, and stay safe out there!
I wish everyone out there much love and happiness in the coming year.
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
Snek. Sneksnek, snkekek. Snek.
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-Sandman Assassinations Inc.
Feeling lonely on this New Year’s Eve? Come to Bitterhold, and you’ll never be lonely again!
-The Slimetatorship of Stain
Here’s hoping this year’s office party will be a bit more lively.
NAGNAMOR WILL CRUSH YOUR PUNY CELEBRATIONS INTO DUST! NOT EVEN ASHES WILL REMAIN OF YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS!
-OVERLORD NAGNAMOR OF THE FLAMING LEGION
Like, have a great year, everyone! Remember to vote for me in the next popularity contest!
This next year shall fall within predicted parameters.
-Overlord Weaxohn the All-Knowing
What do you mean ‘a few words?’ I haven’t even gotten a single line so far! Like, at all! … Ugh, fine! I hope you pathetic losers die while fellating a flamingo or something for all I fucking care! Also, Naggy-Pants is such a giant pussy he gives my own a run for its money!
-Overlord Shridiaphrial the Queen Bitch
Well, I know someone who’s not getting a raise next year. Well, it’s not like I pay them or anything, but still. Anyway, have a good one, folks, and may you have lots of surprises!
-Larry, the God of Happenstance
Happy new year, mortals! And remember - if you’re not having fun, you’re probably not doing it right.
-Solus, God of Life and Light
May all your hopes and dreams bear fruit in this coming year.
-Nyrie, Goddess of Nature and Fertility
This year, you will strive to be better than you were the year before. You owe it to yourself.
-Axel, God of War and Combat
Everything is possible if you put the effort in.
-Goroth, God of Artisans and Artists
I hope you get the chance to visit all those lovely places you couldn’t go to last year.
-Zephyra, Goddess of Rain and Travel
This next year will be one to remember, I’m sure of it!
-Lunar, Goddess of Magic and Learning
Don’t forget to pay your taxes.
-Mortimer, God of Death and Commerce
I hope those of you who are lost will find yourselves in the coming year.
-Teresa, Goddess of Truth and Justice
Uh… Grab the new year by the balls and… make lemonade from them? Was that how that saying went? Eh, close enough.
I hope everyone has an orgasmically fantastic new year!
-Hugs and kisses, Madeline
Be excellent to one another, and good things will come.
This year as well, let’s each of us strive to do what’s right.
-Sigmund Law, Hero of the Hammer
Gux wishes to declare this the Year of the Worm. Gux is not sure why he wishes this, but he does.
-Gux, Hero of Rain
I wish all of you an orc-free year.
-Hesk, former Hero of the Sword
Be careful when visiting relatives for the holidays. Accidents happen, and all that.
-Kaede, Hero of Death
This year is gonna be a good one! I feel it in my bones!
-Orrin, Hero of the Sun
Here’s hoping we all learn something new this year. For me, it’ll be whether Sigmund rips my balls off when he finds out I got all three of his girls pregnant, haha!
-Nao, Hero of Magic
It’s actually a serious concern that keeps him up at night. So yeah, look before you leap, is all I’m saying.
This is bullshit.
-Edward Allen, former Spymaster of the Lodrak Empire
What he said.
-Aleister, former Blight Lord of Velos
-Eren, Old God of Destruction