Hey, author here. Thought I’d have the voices in my head cast of Everybody Loves Large Chests join me in wishing everyone a happy new year, so I asked many of them to write a few words!

Hello, delicious morsel. Would you like your new year to be tasty and/or shiny? If so, feel free to jump into my mouth. It’s a magical portal to a happy place, I promise.
-Boxxy T. Morningwood

I like to think the new year replaces the old one by whipping it until it passes out. I know it’s not like that, I just like to think about it.
-Master’s Best Snack

You go out there and you punch that new year in the face! Teach the motherfucker who’s boss from the get go!
-Koralenteprix Khusuuszun Caonthioxxaa

Tktktktkt… I hope your next year has exactly as many stabbings in it as you want it to have.

If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep a close eye on me in the coming year.

Happy new year everyone! Lots of happiness and success!

Great, another shitty year of playing backup dancer to a fucking box.

A singular year is meaningless in the ceaseless march of time.

A few words.

Good fortune to all, and to all a good year.

What do you mean a new year? Is the old one, like, broken or something?

Happy new year, and stay safe out there!

I wish everyone out there much love and happiness in the coming year.

Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!

Snek. Sneksnek, snkekek. Snek.

[Your advertisement here.]
-Sandman Assassinations Inc.

Feeling lonely on this New Year’s Eve? Come to Bitterhold, and you’ll never be lonely again!
-The Slimetatorship of Stain

Here’s hoping this year’s office party will be a bit more lively.


Like, have a great year, everyone! Remember to vote for me in the next popularity contest!

This next year shall fall within predicted parameters.
-Overlord Weaxohn the All-Knowing

What do you mean ‘a few words?’ I haven’t even gotten a single line so far! Like, at all! … Ugh, fine! I hope you pathetic losers die while fellating a flamingo or something for all I fucking care! Also, Naggy-Pants is such a giant pussy he gives my own a run for its money!
-Overlord Shridiaphrial the Queen Bitch

Well, I know someone who’s not getting a raise next year. Well, it’s not like I pay them or anything, but still. Anyway, have a good one, folks, and may you have lots of surprises!
-Larry, the God of Happenstance

Happy new year, mortals! And remember - if you’re not having fun, you’re probably not doing it right.
-Solus, God of Life and Light

May all your hopes and dreams bear fruit in this coming year.
-Nyrie, Goddess of Nature and Fertility

This year, you will strive to be better than you were the year before. You owe it to yourself.
-Axel, God of War and Combat

Everything is possible if you put the effort in.
-Goroth, God of Artisans and Artists

I hope you get the chance to visit all those lovely places you couldn’t go to last year.
-Zephyra, Goddess of Rain and Travel

This next year will be one to remember, I’m sure of it!
-Lunar, Goddess of Magic and Learning

Don’t forget to pay your taxes.
-Mortimer, God of Death and Commerce

I hope those of you who are lost will find yourselves in the coming year.
-Teresa, Goddess of Truth and Justice

Uh… Grab the new year by the balls and… make lemonade from them? Was that how that saying went? Eh, close enough.

I hope everyone has an orgasmically fantastic new year!
-Hugs and kisses, Madeline

Be excellent to one another, and good things will come.

This year as well, let’s each of us strive to do what’s right.
-Sigmund Law, Hero of the Hammer

Gux wishes to declare this the Year of the Worm. Gux is not sure why he wishes this, but he does.
-Gux, Hero of Rain

I wish all of you an orc-free year.
-Hesk, former Hero of the Sword

Be careful when visiting relatives for the holidays. Accidents happen, and all that.
-Kaede, Hero of Death

This year is gonna be a good one! I feel it in my bones!
-Orrin, Hero of the Sun

Here’s hoping we all learn something new this year. For me, it’ll be whether Sigmund rips my balls off when he finds out I got all three of his girls pregnant, haha!
-Nao, Hero of Magic

It’s actually a serious concern that keeps him up at night. So yeah, look before you leap, is all I’m saying.

This is bullshit.
-Edward Allen, former Spymaster of the Lodrak Empire

What he said.
-Aleister, former Blight Lord of Velos

-Eren, Old God of Destruction


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About the author


  • Chestiest Chest That Ever Chested

Bio: I'm a programmer, a mythical creature that survives completely on beer and cynicism. We skulk in the dark, secretly cursing and despising everyone else. Especially other programmers.

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