The God of Lyn
After finding himself in a strange world similar to the VRMMORPG he was supposed to be playing, Eon Wray embarks on a seemingly simple and straightforward journey, as seen in many other games: from the far bottom to the very top.
Yet, what he intially thought to be a single stroke road to greatness, becomes an endless web of paths with endless array of people, each holding their own dreams and hopes. He wished to conquer, but can fools be conquerors? Can children ride the stars? Is the world he arrived in so simple as it would let a single creature hold it in the palm of his hand?
The high fantasy story filled with action, adventure and personal struggles for a young man trying to shed off a cocoon of ignorance to gain the true knowledge of the world around, and the worlds beyond, with a dash of romance atop of all else.
Releases: Inconsistent (aim is at least 3 chapters weekly at the moment, possibly more)
Chapter length: 2300 words on average (longer chapter around 3000, shorter around 1800)
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Gonna be straight. I've read a number of chapters so far. This is my humble opinion here, and anyone who disagrees I am more than happy for you. I find its necessary to disagree more than agree as it allows for more varied schools of thought.
Bottom line: This story started with potential. It had concepts that seemed pretty neat. The main character was described to have a certain personality type and we all expected that would be that until character development set in. Instead he basically becomes a multiple personality omniscient being in chapter 1 let alone chapter 2. All of a sudden this college drop out knows masonry, construction, blacksmithing, metalworking, mining, and how to build numerous machines to assist these activities, simple machines but machines that are implied to not exist whatsover here yet. Another massive thing was the instant genre change. Begins like its going to be a vrmmorpg story in which the player has his adventures in a world with other players. Instantly changes to got sent to another world story type. Now this isn't bad in and of itself, except the character beings deus ex machina.
As written before Deus Ex Machina has knowledge about everything. How to be a super baller village leader, tactician, and apparently knows how to increase the production rate of food from barely 1 meal a day to 3 full meals a day...all within his 1st day of arrival. Now this world is supposedly a highly real world with everyone besides him being MUCH weaker and more along the lines of "normal". Issues stem instantly from this with things being far too easy. The author seems to realize this by then randomly introducing a love interest. This is the worst time to do something like that. He highly points this out with an entire paragraph about a seed being planted in the MC's heart and how it will grow full of throny vines that will take over his heart. Like that isn't foreshadown the heck outta that is it.
So character is a schizophrenic "asshole" with deus ex machina omniscience.
Style is odd and switches from I WILL BE DICTATOR to Were all friends here HYUK! within a single chapter.
Ties in with the story kinda not making any sense. One thing that is a personal peeve of mine (though it can be done well sometimes) is to unveal the political situations and many different kingdoms ahead of time. Considering its already mentioned that this is NOT the game numerous times the MC should have no knowledge about anything goin on outside of his vision range. Which is apparently far enough to see a tiny squat village from prone position in a field that is taller than a tall man's thighs. Go figure.
Grammar was surprisingly good. Though I will say there were numerous points in I wanted to correct that were a bit bothersome but overall in comparison to other stories available the grammar was a step above.
So again the bottom line is this story needs help. The characters need consistency, the story's plot needs constistency, and the styling needs a bit of reworking. Grammar thumbs up.
I don't believe some of the othe reviews give this novel a fair review, the novel's story may have started out weak but it becomes perhaps the most driving force. I can agree with it feeling incredulous that Eon knows so many professions, but the reader simply needs to read on to understand this Eon has a REALLY colorful life on the battlefield, and that all this knowledge was useful as heck for someone low on resources to survive.
Following the ascenders arc, the authors story telling prowess reached VanZans levels of drama, and that's a good thing. He wasn't nearly proficient at first person storytelling as he is third person storytelling, and his switch made the quality of the story jump much higher.
Some stories just take time to reach the peak of what an author can do, so trudge on and read on, when you get to where I am in the story at this point in time, you will no longer be a naysayer.
Please 220 follows? Blasphemy to be that low!
What The Fuck was That ? Look i have read chapter one and this story is going faster than the speed of light, there is no solid intro or maybe a bit more about the mc or something (NADA!!!), im still ok with this one but my real problem is in my next rant.
Ok lets say yer intro is ok i dun have a lot of problem there, what my problem is he got there just lvl 1 fresh from greenhorn land just created a character and he instantly have a village to defend and men who will obey him for no reason, he have not proven anything yet he just came fresh in the game and less than 5 min in the game hes already a leader and some one is going to attack cuz they refuse to pay for Taxes they already paid (for real dude ?) , no plot build up no quest no lvl up no power up.
One other thing is the Race mate you should have atleast explained some of the races cuz all i see is the Broken Race Called The Fallen that every player will choose cuz of how broken it is.
Now i dont know about the chapter 2 and above cuz i stopped reading this in chapter one this might turn good in the future i dont know but what chase me off this fic is that its too fast and too short per chapter, i might come back if i saw more positive reviews on this or u made a revamp and polished this gem cuz it looks rough around the edges
PS: im not discouraging you im telling u whats wrong im telling u this because i see its potential as one of the top fic
Im not very good with review. But i can say that i like your story. Im really appreciate it and keep it.