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I just finished reading the prologue and chapter 1 and the only thing I can say is that it is extremely interesting.
Loving your grammar btw
I really love the story. The plot was well-made. There is also room for character progression. I hope you don't rush it too much. Take your time as you climb the ladders to the top 50. I will not be surprised if this story reach top 10.. no top 5. This story has really a lot of potential.
The grammar is also good. It is easy to understand, good pick of words Mr. Author. ahhh. I really like it.
Kudos to you Deus!
I think judging by the first chapter that this could be one of my favorites :)
The grammar is very good, including use of sentence structure and mood in the first chapter. I havent't seen that much of the characters yet of course, but the way you hint at emotions, making someone look away instead of writing 'he felt insecure' and ignoring the expression like so many people do unfortunately is an excellent first step to making your chars vivid and lifelike.
Just a hint from me, a very intrested reader of many thousand books (okay not that many yet, since I'm not that old) is: Don't bother to explain so many things, like in the prologue. Just write what's happening, for readers figuring out what's going on is much more interesting than being told from the beginning!
Just read the prologue and i already like the story
Keep up the good work!
all i can say is wow it was soo good yea the prologue was a little rushed but the first 2 chaps was amazing it was so well described that i almost wished to come and tear those mother****** in little tiny parts of flesh my god im expecting this to go in top 20 maybe 10 i dont know it was amazing soo go on and gimme moure chapters to read!! :D :)
Well this certainly is a nice story^^ Not like - bam you are now invincible Mr. Archmage with sudden super powers from MR. GOD with powers nobody understands - but one that seems fairly interesting....
Furthermore the characters have a personality ^_^
If he still has the power from 7 billion (? if I remember it right) mages then things could turn out funny.... Especially with his world travel magic.... and he might be extremly OP but he can`t use his abilities very well so no idea how it will turn out.... or how his personality will change or if he will ever meet again with his "family/friends".
This is a review done by a full member of ‘The Group’. I have read up to chapter 8.
First of all, I would like to commend your story for being immersive and filled with plenty of descriptions. The descriptions are apt and allow readers to visualize what you want them to see. The world is also built well. However, please take care not to do it excessively, because I noticed at some points of time that you seem to put in words that do not fit in the context.It is as though you simply opened a thesaurus and plugged in the synonyms without considering the sentence. One prominent example off the top of my head would be ‘cesspool of life”, which is not at all fitting if you were to describe the lush greenery and vibrant life in a place given that ‘cesspool’ has a negative connotation to it.
Also I have no idea whether you want to keep your focus on dual characters, Eran and Alexia, or on Eran alone. I suspect it is the former, so much so that you gave a significant amount of spotlight to Alexia with the elves.This possibly stems from the change you have made in your story which started originally as Eran traversing worlds alone to become the story we now know, thus making it mandatory that we get to know what happens on her end too. I would like to state that having dual focus is hard to achieve, and it takes away valuable time from both characters to develop. From the way it seems in the later chapters, Alexia already has the shorter end of the stick.
Furthermore, Alexia was presented to us at the start without much endearing qualities, making it harder for readers to actually identify with in her sections. Therefore I would suggest that you do away with Alexia’s part, at least until Eran meets back up with her again in the future and travels with her for some time in order to cultivate a bond with her.
Otherwise, I would like to say that the story style is above average.
Story-wise, I felt that you did a little poorly here. Like I mentioned earlier, your world is well-built with a clearly defined history that has Earth as its base. The transition from world-building to the actual story itself is also well executed which prevents the info-dump from being too boring. There is a problem however. While technically it should be in style, I included it here so that it is more in-line with the context. Having a ‘Narrator:’ is misleading and actually clash with the audio logs style you are going for. Simple quotation marks would suffice, because there are mentions that it is an audio file later on in the chapter. Similarly, the transition in world-building would also benefit from more of such external queries when the text chunks get too big as is apparent in the later paragraphs.
On the other hand, I felt that the transportation between worlds kind of made all of the above obsolete. Although you have a remedy in a later chapter and it was mentioned that magic in the new world is similar to the old one, it made what the readers have read in the first chapter useless. The world-building lost a lot of value to the story there, and seems to serve only as a purpose to explain why Eran was bullied in school for being the odd one out. There are also many potential plot points that were discarded because of it: how his parents would react to his ‘newfound’ strength; possible revenge actions; the consequences of the duel and his status in school; the mana-disrupt spell and so on.
With regards to the school itself, I have difficulty reconciling how the so-called ‘Queen of the school’ could not have known about the irregular boy who could not use magic. Surely rumours would have spread and someone who is as ‘outstanding’ as Eran would not have escaped the notice of Alexia, who frequents the web, much less her maid. Furthermore, the bullying seemed over the top and the teacher was too easily baited by childish remarks.
The way Alexia, and subsequently Cassidy, was captivated by Eran was very sudden. I felt that it was forced. Because almost half the current chapters are focused on Cassidy, this pulled down the scores in this section. As for the underlying reasons, I will leave them for the character section.
I also felt that the Mc progression is too fast, but that is also for the character section.
The side-chapters that you wrote as a result of Eran’s actions with his magic are a little pointless, at least at the current moment. I personally feel that they do not really provide any value to the story if they are not observed by a significant observer, in which case we might have an insight on how much trouble Eran might be causing for the ‘other party’. If you want to build reputation for Eran, there are better ways to go about doing so.
The standard of grammar in this story is high, although it does not mean that grammar mistakes are not there entirely. Missing/inappropriate apostrophes, inappropriate capitalization (Really, is there a need to capitalize Pig?) sometimes lurk around in some story paragraphs. Usually, they are minor enough to be ignored, but when you meet with grammar Nazis, you can be sure that they will pick them up well enough to induce some degree of cringe-worthiness.
I would suggest that you get a good proofreader if you have not already. All stories require at least one. Having someone to pick up some mistakes that you have overlooked will only add value to your story. All in all, I do not have many problems with this sections.
Two words: Gary Stu
Eran is perfect. Too perfect. Photographic memory, handsome to a fault, ladies swooning all over him at their first meeting, one of them even went on to bed him. Super inherent mana source that is powerful enough to even transport him to another world and he gets compared to a god. His only limit seemed to be that he had no outlet for all that plentiful mana he had. That was conveniently removed in no less than three chapters into the story. At first I thought he might have an inferiority complex in place to limit him some because I read about that part in the draft chapter, but apparently that had all but vanished. A person who has a major inferiority complex would not have thought what he had thought nor done what he had done with Cassidy, much less declare his intention to marry. I am not saying that you should cripple him with an inferiority complex, but there was no mention on how he conquered it or if it were even there in the first place. There are no inner struggles, no dealing with shadows of the past. Without this part going on to flesh him out, your MC has been reduced to a pretty flat OP character that goes about winning hearts and minds with his looks and powers.
Even his powers, which started off as uncontrollable, were resolved in the span of a single chapter. Why does he even bother going to university then?
Your other character, Alexia, fell head over heels with Eran almost immediately, and even the whole accident was caused by her infatuation with him in the first place. Cassidy was worse. At least Alexia had an objective to get home now, even if she was lacking in personal motivations and personality before. Everything about Cassidy depends on Eran. There was almost never a scene of her where she was not hung up over the MC. Eran and her started off as strangers and quickly transformed into lovers in a span of only a month or so, which might be the reason why people are inclined to think that she is a loose character. In any case, it is kind of obvious that your characters are only there to serve as relationship material for the MC.
This is where the story falls flat. There are many one-dimensional OP MCs story around which makes your story a dime in a dozen, even if your story had a good style and high level of grammar.
Of course there are only eight chapters, so things might change in the future.
Not a bad read and easy on the eyes, but really nothing special to distinguish it from all the other stories out there.
Give your characters more personality and motivations. Flesh them out properly. Likewise for Eran. Make him be more impacted by his past in his old world. The Cassidy scene is already past, so I foresee you might have some problems going with the inferiority complex thing. Try something else, or try to incorporate it into the complex. Though difficult, it can still be done.
This ff is to good, its been 4 months since i read this and cannot stop thinking about it; it is also saddening that there has been no sign of a new chapter or any updates on the haitus status, i would like to know when you are coming back…or nah…
Well anyways great ff and really hoping for a new release.
p.s. people made accounts just to tell you how amazing this ff is... thats a lot of work for some lechers.
Everything is amazing and I really can't wait for the next chapter.
Well, there is a single fault. Eran's ability to make any lady fall in love. Okay, I get it, Eran is hot, I love him too. But already I'm just getting irritated, it is almost as if he can't have a decent conversation with any female character without them falling in love with him. It's kinda irritating (and going down a harem path, which I truthfully don't like).
An addition to the point above: when Eran first meets Cassidy he just sees her as annoying or flirty. Then a chapter later he is suddenly attracted to her? And enough to want to go have sex and then marry her? I mean come on, there is no connection between these two characters besides the fact he worked at their inn. Also, neither character seems to know anything about the other and neither of the characters show any shared interests. Also the creepy stalker thing— too much, please.
Well, hopefully now the story will move on, leaving Cassidy all by herself in that random town where she came from, and Eran can find someone else more worthy of him. (I'm betting on Alexis, she is way better.)
*Also he is just 100% chill with being teleported to a completely new world. Doesn't even think twice about it. (Yeah, its a little unnatural.)
Excellent setup and MC backstory. Everything is top notch. Both the quality of the writing and the grammar far surpass the majority of fanfics on the site.
There's just one negative though. I feel that Eran's sudden commitment/proposal to Cassidy was uncalled for and rushed the situation (the plot?) too quickly. I mean, the guy just entered into a new world, 'reborn' with a new self (capable of using magic) and within a month he's already proposing to the first girl he's met? A bit premature don't you think? He's also about to leave to go study longterm in a faraway place and now he's shackled with a bloody marriage commitment? The guy is only 16, for pete's sake. We want our MC to enjoy his freedom and experience life to its fullest for the first time in his life, yet one month out of the gate he's already hindered by a 'lifetime commitment' that if/when broken, is not going to leave a pleasant taste in anyone's mouth, reader or MC alike.
-Rant over. But seriously, everything else is gold. The story has TOP 10 potential with a good plot combined with great writing. Keep up the great work you awesome person!