On a fateful afternoon, Chrono wakes up to find out that he can add years to his lifespan thanks to a lightning bolt. What should he do with his newfound power? Ro… I mean, legally earn some money? Become a tyra… run for the Presidential elections and gain power? Create his own hare… warm and happy loving family? How will it change his mundane life, how will it impact the world? Will it be for the best or for the worst? Near the planet’s core, lurking in the shadows, an evil existence is slyly scheming to wipe out the universe of all lifeforms (because yes, there are other living species in the universe, fools!). Follow him on his day to day life as he fulfills his destiny, granting wishes, making dreams come true for his victi… I mean customers; and become the best on Earth (who knows, maybe he’ll also become the saviour of the world at some point).
- Overall Score
- Style Score
- Story Score
- Grammar Score
- Character Score
- Total Views :
- Average Views :
- Followers :
- Favorites :
- Ratings :
- Pages :
Leave a review
When the author decided to drop his old hard work and start a new story, I became severely disappointed in it. The mechanics changed from perfection to lackluster and what was introduced in the beginning was just a cop out of a conflict in the story in his attempt to obtain years of life with which he started out with negative 60.
It was simply an ill attempt to give the story depth, in a writing style that should not be taking itself too seriously. There doesn't always have to be an immediate conflict to keep the story interesting, there is no need to force it, you were doing fine before. That being said, the old stories last few chapters were disappointing themselves because they seemed like they were the only thing the author could think of at the time.
Peace Out, Flashfyre.
I read to chapter 15, and it's kind of boring, MC is stupid, flirts with every girl with strange pick up lines, he didn't even think when he signed arena contract, he could very well become slave if the contracter was pretty girl, merchant stuff is boring, he just adds years, I hoped for some event where he saw man with low lifespan, a deadly disease, so his girlfriend/wife could trade her lifespan a bit for her love, like signing contract with the devil, other way could be, I left you 10 years to live, but you will be strong and agile sportsman, or rich. instead we got camp games for pretty much most of chapter lines, game here, game there, write a story with group games and not merchant. So yeah, bad.
Review until chapter 6:
the story has an interesting idea, that can be a lot different from other stories that use game-like elements In this site. Unfortunately, the story really don't know what It wants to be.
you have this premisse (a merchant that can exchange Life expectancy/life span for... "something"[until now, he only exchanged his own life with abilities, so I don't really know what the author plan to do with It]), but after chapter 3, this idea isn't explored. Instead, the MC just buy some skills, one of them being some sort of arena where he can participate, and, for now at least, ignores the "main power" of the MC.
The MC isn't really that great in my personal opinion (I find him kinda bland, his pick up lines that he says to every woman are bland as well, but other people might like him), and it's really strange that the guy doesn't explore more of this supposed power he obtained before diving in that arena or something.
Try to explore more the initial setting, and depending on how you intend to develop the story, change the summary, because I've came here expecting a "merchant negotiates with his customers", but reading a really bland story with game-like elements.
EDIT using until chapter 15:
after reading all available chapters, I thought that It could improve, but It didn't. you can literally change the whole "life span" thingy with normal experience points from other stories, and nothing changed.
I'm incredible dissapointed on the whole "merchant" aspect this story have. It doesn't even have what the summary describes (doing actual trade). The only thing Is just some sort of "space" appearing where he can sell those stupid pills that makes one taller or d**k bigger that he got on the arena. If it wasn't for the arena, what the hell could he even sell? Nothing? Then why he didn't start with the arena from the beginning, instead of buying?
some of the skills, for the moment, doesn't make any sense why he even have that. The "Gold mine" power Is only in the story so that you can put he gaining a coin every day, and that's it.
You actually describe more about Pokemon GO in the story than trying to explain his power.
If you are going to create an interesting setting, at least follow that setting. If I can change the Idea of the story with another (like the whole "sell items for life span thingy" for "kill monsters to gain levels and skills") and nothing drastically change, you need to think back to the planning stage of the story to see what you did wrong.
Here's a tip: try reading tabletop RPG books, they can give a really nice Idea on how to construct characters (at least for that specified scenario, like "Vampire the Masquerade" for vampires in modern times, or D&D for a more fantasy-esque story) and to build your own world in a more solid form.
i agree with @Algoz on his comment you should really start exploring his main power, and now that you introduced other species with long lifespan he can trade with them for power, maybe become a manager himself.
This story is basically is a collection of author's random fantasies haphazardly patched together.
Two main themes is 'Slice of life with fantasy power' and 'Saving damsel in distress'.
Just hope he will have a more diversified merchandise but there is none so far. He have the power but don't exploit it. Random event with no reason, like the gost, arena, camp with child game, bal. Mc is a douche bag, he will say pickup line to every girl there is. Only two are not douche bagged so far and it is his mother and an ugly orc. Sidetracked thing like his power, the elf and the point of this story. His main stat is charm.
This is what i was thinking it would be:
Great start. Very hopefull of this story
looks fine so far I don't really get the harsh reviews
YOUR CHRACTERS DONT MAME ANY SENSE AND YOUR MAIN CRACHTER IS NOT EVEN USING HIS POWERS