Re: Pessimist



Chapter 3: Baby nearly got killed...?


Huh... something's poking me. Oh, this sounds like an innuendo, am I a girl? Did I become the midget? Is my big... oh, it's just a bottle. Well, there goes that wet dream, so what the fuck happened? Let's see... I partied, nope, wrong memory. I... shot a man? No, still the wrong memory. I graffitied sacrilege on a wall? Oh, there's actually sacrilege on the wall, but I didn't write it, since it's too big and I'm still a fucking infant.

"Midget... what happened?" I turned around to the amazing goddess... who is trashed on a pile of bottles. Oh, I remember, she was a lightweight, what a fucking joke. Immortal and amazing being my ass, she can't even stand on her feet for two seconds. Well, fuck, guess I have to piece together the shit from last night.

Well, my status should give me a good indication of the events of last night, that is if they're not utter shit.

Name: Alfred Rathmore
Species: Human with a touch of a goddess' soul
Age: About a day
Status: Truly in normal state
Level: 1
Titles: Incarnate of Flaryvna, Depressant of Gods, Faithlessness, Goddess of Wine
STR: 1
INT: 70
WIS: 100
END: 2
DEX: 1
LUK: 10

Well, it's honest, I'll give it that. It knows I drink a lot, hence the state reference... so it really is fucking useless.

So, I have a hungover goddess, a lot of wine lying around... and Goddess of Wine! Oh, I remember that, it's the one where I can't ever develop resistances to alcohol, it's a fucking legendary title that only the best of drunks can achieve! I consider it an achievement that defines my entire life from here on out.

"AAAAAH" Oh, sounds like my mother's screaming, well that's noisy, someone should go shut her up. Not it! Oh yeah, the only one who can hear my thoughts is the half-dead woman on bottles... "W-Where's Alfred? His crib is burnt and his whole room is burnt as well! Where is he?"

Oh, yeah, I burnt my crib. Well, at least I got alcohol. So, time to binge-drink again! I wonder how much bottles I'll use up this time!

"The wine cellar is unlocked, quickly, the culprit could still be in there!" Oh, that sounds like my uncle-I mean father. I'm not sure if he's both or one of them at this point.

Oh, but wait! What if they discover that I'm down here in the cellar with all these bottles? They'll prevent me from going anywhere near it and even shut it off! MY ENTIRE LIFE RIDES ON WHAT I DO NEXT!

I've got to consult my skills! Since I have no other useful method of dealing with any of this shit!

Skill Rankings:Skills
Average class:
Uncommon class:
Rare class:Wine generation
Mega Rare class:
Legendary class:Bottomless Digestion
Deity class:Embody Flaryvna, Flaryvna's Fury, Wildfire
Unrankable:Ultimatium Moves

Ah, screw it, I have wine generation, I don't give a rat's arse if I get caught now. I can be drunk for god damn years! And I don't even have to do shit! If 10 Luck is what makes me so damn lucky, I'll take it! Heck, I'll even go up to my parents drunk because I want to rub it in their faces!

Now let's do this!

Wine generation... GO!

I repeated the same way I tried for the fire except instead of my finger, I used both of my hands with wine! It goddamn worked! Too well.

Instead of spraying in a controlled area, it produced so much force that I couldn't control it and went everywhere, so I had to stop using it and made even more of a damn mess that before! Now that is an accomplishment, this much mess in so little time!

"Show your-Alfred?" I looked towards my father who wore some really fancy clothing, it's like a suit with so much colours! Is he on drugs? Am I on drugs? Is my wine filled with LSD? "What's with all the wine...?"

"ALFRED?" I heard the loud roar of what sounded like the thing called 'Mother', so I braced myself for its strong attack at me! She came down into the cellar and only paid attention to me. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just a baby you're suffocating to death, thanks mother. "Oh, I'm so glad you're okay! What happened? Did you see who did all of this?"

Yes, ask the baby who cannot talk. Great job fuck-face. I'm sure my parents are siblings now, there cannot be such idiocy which is not inbred.

"I think I know what the culprit's motives were." My father so suddenly says, he thinks he has it all figured out! If he guesses that the baby drank the alcohol, I'm giving him a medal. "With all the wine split and the bottles piled and Al's crib burnt, they clearly wanted Alfred dead. Not to mention burn down our manor."

Oh, so it is a manor, who would've thunk? Oh, the more pressing issue is the fact that my dad is a paranoid twat... or I'm too good at trying to kill myself. Well, I've got alcohol, so I'm not going to die for any reason soon.

"It seems so, so is the culprit human?" Wait, what? No, this cannot be correct! If my mother is asking if the culprit is human it can either have two explanations:

1.She thinks a human from the inside of the kingdom is trying to kill us and is betraying us and she wants to confirm it.

2.We're not human and they're our enemies and they are trying to kill us. A spy infiltrated and attempted to assassinate everyone. Or so it seems... which none of the aforementioned happened.

"It's possible... to think their espionage would end up this deep!" Father was worried, he even did that classic thing that characters always do when they think of something that has to do with not letting something happen or doing something about something...

I think I'm still slightly drunk.

Oh, what's going on? Did you die? What have you done? How could you? After all I've-

Please, Flare, shut up. Your entire existence is based on the desire for purpose and is just a mere contradiction of how the actual universe functions. Now, explain one thing to me: am I human?

You should be, right? Your status always says so. There's no real reason to suspect otherwise.

You say that now, but why are my parents talking about the situation of the hypothetical assassin who is myself might I add, like he's an outlaw when he's human? They clearly aren't familiar with it and if they weren't human... it would explain the recessive genes and therefore why they're not brother and sister.

Well, if that's the case, then there's two possibilities of what your species actually is.

The first is a royal-elf, a species which is greater than high-elves, but the thing is... brother  and sister stuff, so yeah... they tend to transition into their species at a later age.

The second one is a dragon, who tend to develop their abilities and physiology a few years after they are born.


It's the first one, isn't it?

It's the first one by the look of things. Your parents have the genes of elves, you're human despite your parents being elves and you guessed the incest...

Whoo! Right about my parents being siblings from a guess! Now that's a good achievement! Oh, yeah... they're still inbred and so am I.

This doesn't sound as pleasant as the achievement.

Okay, so my parents decided that apparently, the manor was too unsafe for me. Or should I say incestuous parents decided that? Since at this point it's kind of clear they were sis and bro before they were man and wife. So, they sent me to the next best thing! A fucking... military academy?

Okay, I think I'm missing something here. I'm clearly misunderstanding something. Either they are planning on sending me into the academy to protect me or are trying to make me able to protect myself... from myself.

So, this is a mental institution.

Wait, your parents sent you to a mental asylum? They realised your depressing thoughts and your attitude was just lunacy?

Flare, please shut up. You're missing something obvious.

I'm a child who is a day old. What the fuck am I going to learn at a military academy? I can run now, due to your fancy wildfire skill but I'm still a fucking child.

Aren't you over thinking? What if they are just protecting the entire family? They're with you, so it's possible that they have a plan B if there's any form of danger. The military academy could have some great defense!

Flare, it's an academy filled with people learning to kill, they're quite obviously better at defense. I just have no idea why they don't have an end of the world bunker sort of thing.

What if it's in the academy?

Too far, if the end of world was going to happen, they would want it close. So, there's two options to why they chose this place as far as I'm concerned.

They are...?

Either, it's because they're royal-elves and are in a higher place therefore they choose this place as refuge since it's filled with a lot of expendable servants who can fight well.

Or, one of my parents worked here before and is coming back here because they're well known in some way.

I'm going to guess number two.

Good guess, now let's see what shit these people have in store...


Thanks to superdbgtfan for pointing out a few errors I ignored! And for also suggesting a new way to organise how Flare speaks to the protagonist. :P.


About the author


Bio: I haven't watched Sailor Moon, ever.

It was a random choice to why I even picked her as my profile picture.

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