How To Tame Your Princess

How To Tame Your Princess

by DocteurNS

My name is Nicolas

Nicolas "Nick" Siegel.

People say I’m weird.

I don’t know why, and the voice in my head won’t tell me.

Oh well, never mind…

You want a cookie? I baked them myself. With love~?

...You're ridiculous.

Oh, shush.

Author's note:

This is a story about an atypical player in a typical VR fantasy game, (re)written by an author—that's me—who still sucks at delivering synopsises.

Follow the adventures of Nicolas "Nick" Siegel, alias Elric Walker, alias the Wandering Knight, alias the Reckless Imbecile, alias...Victoria—Wait, what? Okay...err...Follow Nick Siegel, a afflicted with mild sociopathy and a worsening case of split personality, as he tries to make sense of the world around him and travels the virtual reality of Untold Tales, battling against undead butterflies, strange curses, and himself, and maybe find love. 

I swear this is a romance!

(Previously: “Tales of the Blood Princess”)

[Sexual Content] is present only in specific side-story chapters which are entirely skippable if you do not wish to read them.

Real reader's comment:

"World War Chicken has been fought. The area is destroyed, blood has been spilled, and the wrecks of the machines of war lay scattered. Mothers have cried, children have been traumatized, and only holy fire can burn away the foul creations spawned in its wake. 

Oh, and a grown man made a complete fool of himself."

 – by Dosahder, at chapter B0-C07.1

Picked review:

"Saying it starts slow is kind of inaccurate. It's more like a long rope attached to a speeding car. Eventually the slack in the line runs out and you're hooked."

 – by ErgoPhobia, on the 13th Dec. 2017

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Romantic at Heart

Word Count (16)
Top List #50
7th Anniversary
300 Review Upvotes
Fledgling Reviewer (V)
Royal Writathon April 2020 winner
Table of Contents
107 Chapters
Chapter Name Release Date
Info, Announcements & Recommendations ago
B0-PRO.1 – The Mild Hunt* ago
B0-PRO.2 – Lock-Less Monster* ago
B0-PRO.3 – I am Legend* ago
B0-C01.1 – Beating Dead Horses* ago
B0-C01.2 – And They Call Him…* ago
B0-C01.3 – Leviticus 11:12 ago
B0-C01.4 – Critterion of Unlife ago
B0-C01.5 – I Am Evil! Stop Laughing! ago
B0-SS:NR – Plot and Plotting ago
B0-C02.1 – Um... What a Twist? ago
B0-C02.2 – Peaceful Aftermath Camping ago
B0-C02.3 – Prom’nons nous dans les bois… ago
B0-C02.4 – STATUS QUID ago
B0-SS:WW – Council Meeting ago
B0-C03.1 – Boredom is a Bridge to Introspection ago
B0-C03.2 – Runes You Fools! ago
B0-C03.3 – Follow the Yellow Brick Road... ago
B0-SS:NO – Back From The Dead ago
B0-C04.1 – A Warm Welcome ago
B0-C04.2 – You Have No Power Here ago
B0-C04.3 – Meeting the Wizard? ago
B0-C04.4 – Is this the point when you ask me to wear green eyeglasses? ago
B0-C04.5 – Witch of the North ago
B0-SS:WW – Troubles Start With Tea ago
B0-C05.1 – A Cat is NOT Fine! ago
B0-C05.2 – Mens Sana(?) In Corpore Sano Et Spatula Gloriosa ago
B0-C05.3 – Third Time’s the Charm ago
B0-C05.4 – Signs ago
B0-SS:NO – Recruitment Issues ago
B0-C06.1 – And God Said “Let There Be Plot!” ago
B0-C06.2 – Takes One to Know One ago
B0-C06.3 – Getting Into It ago
B0-C06.4 – Serendipity is a Beautiful Word (Seriously, look it up.) ago
B0-SS:NO – Evil in a Nutshell ago
B0-C07.1 – The Plot Chickens ago
B0-C07.2 – Painful Memories ago
B0-C07.3 – Apple-Picking and its Consequences ago
B0-C07.4 – Obnoxious, Obnoxiouser, and Obnoxiousest ago
B0-C07.5 – Pay No Attention to That Man Behind the Curtain ago
B0-SS:NO – Dark Asparagus Rises ago
B0-C08.1 – Goodbyes Are Poison ago
B0-C08.2 – On the Road Again…Eventually ago
B0-C08.3 – Nowhere Over the Rainbow ago
B0-C08.4 – Hang Gliders…Who Knew, Right? ago
B0-SS:OT – Castle Guard ago
B0-C09.1 – Greenies? ago
B0-C09.2 – Ugh…Zombies. ago
B0-C09.3 – (This story is heading in a strange direction) ago
B0-C09.4 – Cookies! ago
B0-C09.5 – Pony! …Wait, that’s not a pony!? ago
B0-C09.6 – It’s a birdy?! ago
B0-C09.7 – Sleeping Beardy (End of Book 0) ago
B1-PRO – Blood Princess Begins ago
B1-CH01 – The Woman in the High Castle ago
B1-CH02 – On the Fifth Floor ago
B1-CH03 – My Friend the Riajuu ago
B1-CH04 – Close Encounter of the Nerd Kind ago
B1-CH05 – Of Curses and Gods ago
B1-CH06 – Anonymous Infamy ago
B1-CH07 – Dear Diary ago
B1-CH08 – [Narrator] A Good Betrayal Always Opens New Opportunities for Both Parties ago
B1-CH09 – Another One Bites the Dust ago
B1-CH10 – My Hero~ ago
B1-CH11 – First Impressions Are Very Important ago
B1-CH12 – Getting Acquainted ago
B1-CH13 – [Athena] Something Ain’t Right ago
B1-CH14 – Dungeon Break In the Breaking Dungeon ago
B1-CH15 – Out of Nowhere ago
B1-CH16 – There’s No Place like Home ago
B1-CH17 – Nerdy, Phone… ago
B1-CH18 – [Narrator] Return of the Prodigal Squirrel ago
B1-CH19 – ...Home ago
B1-CH20 – Alien vs. Predator: Ratatouille ago
B1-CH21 – [Narrator] Bad Guys Doing Bad Guys Things ago
B1-CH22 – [Athena] Back on the Crazy Train ago
B1-CH23 – Tu quoque mi hirci?! ago
B1-CH24 – It’s like cooking! ago
B1-CH25 – Dara, people DIE of swine flu! ago
B1-CH26 – Not Quite What I Expected ago
B1-CH27 – I’m a Beautiful Butterfly! ago
B1-CH28 – Have a Good Death… ago
B1-CH29 – [Multiple] In the Dark ago
B1-CH30 – Taken ago
B1-CH31 – Highjacked to Hell ago
B1-CH32 – Area 51 ago
B1-CH33 – Out of the Dark… (and into the slightly less dark.) ago
Xmas Eve Bonus! "Interlude - Plants vs. Zombies" ago
B1-CH34 – Back to… Civilisation? ago
B1-CH35 – [Cutscene] Majin: The Scattering ago
B1-CH36 – Shit Happens ago
B1-CH37 – This Girl Is On Fi~re!! [END OF BOOK 1] ago
Book 1 - Epilogue ago
B2-PRO – Everyone is getting ready for the party! ago
B2-CH01 – Guess who’s coming to town? Nope. Not Santa. Try again. ago
B2-CH02 – When you’re just walking down the street, and suddenly you’re a wanted criminal. ago
B2-CH03 – The Legend of the Panty Immortal? ago
B2-CH04 – Deadpan Thief ago
B2-CH05 – Why I should have thought twice before “borrowing” that holy sword ago
B2-CH06 – Don't take life lessons from a crazy old baboon ago
B2-CH07 – Mop & Trauma ago
B2-CH08 – How to Commit Suicide 101 ago
B2-CH09 – Eff You ago
B2-CH10 – Girl, Girls, Girlss? ago
Update (edited with link) ago
Upodato! Un potato? ago
Halfway there? (Sowwy...) ago

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Ages ago - at least if you measure time like the Wandering Knight does - a story was born. It was created just like this world was, by being birthed out of Chaos. Or almost. For in that pure note of Harmony, there was still a beautiful flavor of Chaos - almost like a sliver of creation itself. It gave that story a touch of genius, allowing it to put on many a different masks, to speak in a miriad different voices. Some of these - like the Voice of Exalted Insanity - attained divinity in their own rights.


But sadly, that story came to an end, much sooner than it was originally meant to. The Voices fell silent, only their echoes still around in these digital caverns of reality. But a rebirth was prophecized. And so the people have waited, so that the Author can once again submerge himself into the Primal Waters of Chaos and bring forth a new gem of a story for us mere mortals to read.


And it finally happened. It is here, the Essence of Chaos even purer, than in the original...


May this story walk the full road its creator intended for it. And may the Followers of the Omniscient Crazy Kaleidoscope bear witness to it.


Niche fic for niche audience (B0)

Reading How To Tame Your Princess B0 is like looking into a funhouse mirror, in a alternate universe where the nonexistent gods there went mad after caffine overdose. You see a world in all excruciating details, but actively trying to drive you mad with disorientation, random tangents, and spontaneous genius/insanity. If you are looking for a meandering misadventure in a realistic VR sci-fi themed world of foolishness, this is your fix. 

The story is told in first person of a certain Elric/Nick, who is......wierd in terms of normal society's definition of 'normal'. The huge amounts of random musings that painstakenly add details to Nick is one of the best done in any fictions, including but not limited to professional writers' stories. Nick seems more alive, more real, than all the 2-D protagonists in whatever other character development focused fics out there combined. When I say musings, I don't mean the morality and pretentiousness debate escapism themed japanese LN likes so much, but actual opinions of what I suspect to be a real person IRL (who I happen to empathize with, so I may be biased).

Overall, I'd say best fiction on RRL, but then every review says that. Let's just say it's tailored for people who likes realistic characterization, somewhat logical consequences and exploring a world with different rules, but scoffs at "epic" fights of ever increasing power and stakes caused by artificial emotions/righteousness/louder shout.

Style: Direct insight to the thoughts of a living, breathing character who just happens to be terminally insane. What more could you ask?

Story: Slow as f*ck, but who am I kidding, who cares about story if you enjoy the characters that much? Edit: go straight to B1 if you're looking for story. 

Grammar: periodic typo of random words every once in a while. It doens't affect understanding at all, but it IS a bit annoying. 

Character: It's basically what makes this the best fic on RRL. I'd give it a 6, sadly my hacking skills is not up to the job.


You will know if you like it very quickly

I would like to give this a higher rating but it’s just so hard to read for me. Trying to follow the train of thought of more than a few characters, including our main character, is a fruitless effort. I don’t give this lower because there have been a few moments when I legitimately laughed. Most of my time was instead trying to parse what was happening after skimming layers of madness until something actually advances the story. 


You will I’ll figure out quickly on whether you like it or not based on its unique style.


Starts slow, but is definitely good

Saying it starts slow is kind of inaccurate. It's more like a long rope attached to a speeding car. Eventually the slack in the line runs out and you're hooked.

Just as I remember it

good old craziness has returned for another showing.


oh how I wish we could sooner reach the fun that was the after genderbending madness xD


Reviewed at: B0-C04.2

The return of Nicholas/Elric/*spoiler* is something I have been waiting for! While this story may confuse and frustrate some with its chaotic nature, I personally find it both enjoyable and refreshing.



As mentioned, the style of this story is chaotic and can be interesting to follow at times. However, in order to fully display the nature of the MC it is needed, with jumps of logic and random tangents throughout. While it is chaotic and crazy, the author manages to keep the *feel* of the story consistent, which does allow for a slight sense of normality when reading. Regardless of this, the descriptions of the characters and world (though odd) are vibrant and full. Something that I noticed is a significant improvement from the authors previous work. You get a real feel for characters especially as they are visually well constructed within the story.



At the time of this review the story is only just really starting and some of the tages *cough* Gender Bender *cough* are yet to come into play. Almost all of the current chapters has been primarily character and world building in order to demonstrate the level of chaotic insanity that the MC possesses. Because of this, many may find the story to be slow (the author has also realised this), but it is necessary to ensure the MC's motives can be explained without them appearing (completely) random. Regardless, now that the plot(ish) part has begun, you can expect more in this regard.


The side stories so far have provided titbits and glimpses into the wider world (both in-game and RL) but are yet to link with the main story.


Grammar (and spelling)

The grammar and spelling within the chapters is very good. There is the odd error here and there which is usually picked up in the comments and corrected quite quickly by the author. Occasionally there is an odd use of a word or turn of phrase but they do not detract from the story.



The MC (and only character with any decent screen time) is crazy, literally crazy. He has a very different take on the world then your average Joe. So far almost all the conversations held so far have been between him and the voice in his head. However, his schizophrenic alter-ego is separate enough as to feel as if they are different characters, yet they are as crazy as each other. This could be polarising for people but I personally love the interactions between Nick and the voice in his head.


So far we are yet to meet the rumoured love interest (the author did say it was a romance) and the only other characters seen have been in the RL based prologue and the side stories and so have had very limited (if any) interactions with the MC. Regardless of their short screen time, these characters felt as real as the MC and did not feel shallow or forced.



I love this story in all its chaotic glory. The author has produced something polished, vibrant and different and (having read the previous work this is a re-vamp of) I am very excited to follow as this continues to grow.


P.S. I love the inclusion of the accompanying music to each chapter. You should also bring back your reading recommendations that often were supplied with TotBP chapters.


This story is worth 5 stars.


Once you've read hundreds of stories, anything you read tends to start getting predictable, you already have a pretty good guess who the culprit is when something happens or some new character starts setting off flags right away that they'd going to do something in the future as soon as they're introduced.

That doesn't apply to this story. It really is original. You can't just write something like this by reading other stories and taking inspiration from them. So if you're after a new experience as a reader, give this a shot.


A massage for your insanity muscles.

Reviewed at: Halfway there? (Sowwy...)

After reading everything published, I was troubled. Maybe some institution leaked my inner dialogs for public release?

(They absolutly did.. not)

[You sure?]

(Pretty much. Dead computers tell no tales)

After I did some consultation with the only sane voice in my head, I relaxed and gave the rest of Book 0 an unbiased read.. and I got hooked on it

(That part about your ex being an abusive tower of muscle was off...she was not THAT abusive.Just quirky)

[Shut up. My nipples are still sore 30 years later]

The inner dialog is something I deeply enjoy in this novel, were the MC can really express himself in a way that is done rigth.

My only grip with the history is the fairly obvious real life identity of the MC female interest for the MC. I know what histerical denial can do, but see no reason for the MC main voice to ignore what all the clues and even the second voice in his head is implying. Dragging it longer makes no.. less... well , ok , makes sense.


Other than that, this is the perfect insane history done in the most sane way.


Ok..... So I Think That What I Read Was Good?

This story..... I like it? There were no grammar/spelling errors that I saw. 

The characters are good? I think?

Might be losing my sanity by reading this book.

Great review, brain.



In general I don't want to really give a score for this, but I feel like there needs to be some kind of difference in the reviews here. In general I think the writing is fine, and I don't want to call the novel bad by any means, but it's not something I can really enjoy as a reader, and I think other's would fall under it as well.  I think most people that think it looks interesting should give it a glance, and see if it suits their fancy. Anyways onto the points

Grammar is fine, and better than most RRL authors.


Style is really hard for me to read, because the author actually makes his character legit crazy. Not one of those stories where they are super chaos "Crazy" people. Instead the character is legit schizophrenic, and the style follows along at his pace, in a very odd manner.


Character is pretty much like style here. Super crazy and really hard for me to follow along with because of how off tangent he can get, and then how odd he can behave. Other characters were introduced, but I didn't really get to know them outside of their initial interactions. The main character has a voice in the back of his head talking to him throughout the entire first chapter, so he can be really dysfunctional of a character. Heck at the beginning he forgot he was holding a knife, when he was approaching his friend. 


The story from the short amount I read isn't bad, if a tad generic with the whole, I'm one of the most famous mmo players in a certain game due to how insane my actions are. I really only read to the end of the first chapter, so B0-C01.5 – I Am Evil! Stop Laughing! was my end point. TBH i'm not really sure if I saw a story, but my interest was slipping pretty hard near the end so I could be wrong. Instead what I saw was the initial journey of the MC into a land where no one else has gone due to how dangerous the zombies are there. Honestly not too much for me to judge on here.