Ariair Online

by anuzan

Original HIATUS Action Adventure Fantasy LitRPG Virtual Reality

"Jasper, tired of the same games he had been playing for years was talked into playing the first Virtual Reality MMORPG.

Just how real does it feel?

How drawn in will Jasper get?"

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Author
anuzan

anuzan

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Goodbye For Now ago

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Kuroyuki
Overall

Has potential, needs an editor

Ok so I rated it 5 stars purely because I think it has potential. The Grammar is poor in the way that only native speakers suffer from, so it's hard to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with it, as I also suffer from it as well. Other then that, the character interactions could use some work, as well as the descriptions of what is going on. I have read up to chapter 2, started chapter 3, however I probably won't read more until some things are fixed.

Firstly, the goddess said something about the MC being Sassy with his responses, but I don't remember his answers being anything like that. The goddess is part of a game and therefore SHOULD be giving this information despite any attitude he shows, as that is her JOB.

 

Secondly, the goddess never did give him the info on the countries, which she said she would once he picked his race. 

 

Thirdly, we have no idea how he is one of the 'weirdest' otherworlders as the goddess put it, he acted rather normal from what I could see.

 

So basically, needs an editor, one to go through both grammar, and point out plot holes. Needs more detail in the interactions. At this point the story feels more like a rough draft's rough draft. We never got a good description of either the character, or his avatar, or the goddess, or his friends, or his mom, or the rest of his family. Oh, and his mom acts like a spoiled child that just got scolded. He earned the money he spent, and therefore can spend it on whatever he likes. It would be different if he spent saved up lunch money for it cause that's his parents money, but that's not the case here.

 

Other then all that it has potential, and the 2 that just rated this 2 stars without even writing anything on it should have instead tried to at least inform the author on where he went wrong.

Kintarou
Overall

Your story has potential to be great!

Im simply impresed by your story! As in my review title your story has potential! 

Of course I must admit your story has some problems, but all the stories here in RRL have them too! They are all written by people just like you - someone who wishes to share his or her story. Not all of us here are masters of grammar, but we all know that we are here for a good story...

I seriously hope you never drop this till the end. 😡 Or I'm going to hount you in your dreams!

By the way! Did I tell you this is my first review? Because it is and your story deserves it! 😉

minimupp0702
Overall

Nice take on the VRMMORPG

Good take on the VR MMORPG genre. Intriguing strory with what seems to be hidden motives and foreshadowing for the epicness that (probably) is to come. Characters is alright and even though we haven't gotten very much info on them, we also haven't gotten any info dumps and well the info we do have is enough for a rough understanding and pretty easy to extend when needed.