Original HIATUS Action Adventure Fantasy Gender Bender Martial Arts Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Sexual Content
A tale inspired by Overlord. Robert Jackson has been sent to a new world. Now he's stuck in the body of his game avatar, a beautiful red haired woman. Watch him as he explores this world and adjusts to his new life.

Warning Mature [18+] for violence, gore, and sexual content.

Release Schedule: Dedicated releases mostly on weekends.

Book 1 is now complete. It includes chapters 1 - 22.
Book 2 is now being released. Thanks for reading~
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Zanderkoala

Zanderkoala

Way too strong

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brian007
  • Overall Score

Hoping................

Hoping that you wont leave(Hiatus) this story like The Tampered.                                                                             

darkkbluee
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An honest review albiet a bit harsh

Style

The maps are super appreciated. The world itself is well developed and well-explained.

The writing flows smoothly except in cases where the sentences are complex or there are mistakes in sentence structure.

There are no confusing parts as far as I could tell. First person POV is perfect. Minor tense mistakes but it can be ignored and isn't exactly noticeable unless you really look for it. This means, that there are times when the tense (or rather, the tense of the words you use) switch from present to past or vice versa out-of-context.

The style is just as what i would expect from a 'transported to another world in a game character's body' type stories. It isn't unique in that regard.

 

Story

Use shorter paragraphs. Info-dumps and observation analysis are good to read but put them in shorter paragraphs. Otherwise, it becomes difficult to read it all. People tend to skim over big paragraphs unless and until they are a die-hard fan.

On the other hand, the crafting descriptions are nice and unique. The best part of the story thus far.

 

Grammar

- too many passive sentences. Active sentences preferred. Less use of comma preferred.

ex-  in chapter 2:

1:Though, to be fair, due to technical limitations I never really even noticed the difference unless I looked in a mirror.

2:It was also a bonus that, in the game, I was able to have my mom’s beautiful red hair too. I vowed that, once I graduated highschool and was on my own, I was going to dye my own in real life.

^no need to always use comma after 'that'.

3: I was, particularly, skilled in this regard. Most potion recipes could be interred from actual knowledge of plants and botany.

4: By learning about Xternity’s plant life and of each plant’s effects when consumed, I became the foremost potioneering expert in the entire game.  <--- another needlessly passive sentence. Instead use something like -> I became the foremost potioneering expert in the game by learning about Xternity's plant life.<-- This flows more smoothly, see?

5: Thus, when I logged on and found they had built me my own house/workshop, I was ecstatic.   <- Overuse of comma. Again. I am sure you can think of better ways to frame this sentence.

 

And this is just a few sentences of chapter 2.

----> It seems to have improved in the later chapters. There are times when aforementioned mistake is done but its decreased to max 5-6 per chapter instead of being all throughout it like in the earlier chapters

--->No spelling errors. Proper use of words.

 

Characters

The characters are the typical stereotype characters. There's no other way to say it. You have tried hard to make them unique and that shows. On some levels, you have succeeded. On others, you have not.

On that note, it isn't bad that some qualities of the characters are stereotyped. In fact, it's pretty much expected of this genre. Some of what I noticed is:

- The MC  isn't evil, misunderstood or dense and that's a plus point on your side. There have been enough of those troops.

- He is genuinely trying to get back to his home world and did not go around touring the world in a happy-go-lucky manner.

- I really liked it in Chapter 17, when the MC gives Benson the order to teach the guild-mistress a lesson. I literally cheered for the MC and Benson at that point.

- You are making Benson too mysterious. Stop right there. I like Benson's character and his background story but too much of a good thing is also poison. He has experience and age on his side. Doesn't mean you need to add more to it. Expand on what you already have rather than add more and more traits. Because that's the road I can see you taking for him. 

- The MC holds true to his experience as a negotiator and crafter. He knows how not to be taken advantage of. A plus.

- The MC seems reluctant to accept advice from Tenia and Baston. I don't know about others, but I do get that feeling. While he trusts them a little, he doesn't trust their judgement at all. This doesn't fit well with his character somehow.

- The MC is a mother-con? Because that's the vibe I am getting. He isn't an extreme one, but it's still definately there. His father is dead so he is attached to his mother, yes. But he is so fixated on his red-hair color being like his mum that he even gets over the fact he has a female body quickly. It's true he has had years of experience in playing a game with that body but I don't think a guy can come to terms with turning into a female in real life that easily.

-On another note, I am really glad your MC doesn't go all 'pervert' with his female body. Thank You for that. 

 

Overall

It is a good story. I eagerly await the next chapter. It isn't the best out there, but it's good. You only have to improve your sentence structures and most of its 'weakness' will be gone. 

Good Luck on your (writing) endeavour!

 

AsherPhoenix
  • Overall Score

i like the story a lot

 but it would be nice if u added a few of other peoples point of view i personaly love stories who every once in a while add the side characters point of view it helps u to get a better understanding of things i personaly find

Nuux
  • Overall Score

Epic Way to make a GB

This is very different, though some of the people in it I would love it if they are scared....... for disrespecting the strong.

v01cano
  • Overall Score

Very well executed, also love the premises

-well written

-fluid and cohesive dialogue between characters

-good pacing;  it could, perhaps, be a bit faster, but it's not too bad. 

-story flows very well, I was never lost during transitions or wondered what I'd just read. 

 

SPOILERS-MAYBE

 

-Love the crafter oriented protagonist

-The NPC that are transported with the MC are more believable than usual.

 

Conclusion

 

-Hope the author keeps writing and I would recommend this story; it's an above average narration here in RRL. 

-Congrats to the author and I wish him well. 

hvethrungr
  • Overall Score

Zandy Zan, The Gender Bender King!

I don't normally read gender bender, but Zander always seems to pull it off so well! I'm really liking how your main character is a crafter, it's a refreshing break from all the muscleheads out there. Well written so far, I hope you continue!

pizzalad3
  • Overall Score

As story that impressed me.

Wow, just wow. This story a combination of sword art online and overlord with a modern twist from a young perspective. I loved this story and can not wait for more. The story is very well written, little mistakes but the story flowed so well. The characters are overpowered like in overlord the action that the characters took was very realistic.

Mulcanzer
  • Overall Score

Love the great characters

Great story with good character progression. Just having withdrawal symptoms now, cry.

krunr
  • Overall Score

you should read this story!

I like this story very much. The main character's personality doesn't change with the transportation to another world.  I think it detracts from the story when you have a character in other stories have a huge change in personality when being transported to another world. This one doesn't go overboard personality wise and the story flows very nicely. Cannot wait to read more chapters as they come out

LitRpgLover
  • Overall Score
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If you like Overlord, then you will love this!!!

The story is well written and very similar to Overlord. It has a lot of crafting and worldbuilding in it. What I especially like is that the MC is a whimp nor a total dickhead. He/She has a logical and easily understandable way of thinking, which makes him/her quite believable.

 

I couldn´t stop reading after I began. 

 

One of the best stories on royal road so far.