Sect of the Unnamed One - [Cultivation satire comedy, laughter guaranteed]by
Ch. 89 Moonlight serenade
Okay, so this horse just talked.
"Who are you calling a horny horse! I'm a unicorn! A pure and untainted unicorn!"
[Aren't these both synonyms? And would someone pure call himself that? I mean… hey there! How are you doing!]
Okay, this unicorn caught me by surprise. You need to understand it is my first time waking up in the middle of the night to go pee and finding a unicorn just waiting there.
It looks at Wolfie nearby, and the latter is totally smirking.
"This is the man you chose to follow?"
Do they know each other? Wolfie is a small wolf, would that make the unicorn Wolfie's elder? Would explain the ability to speak.
So how does one engage in a conversation with a unicorn? Should I compliment its long purple horn?
There is just one thing that pops in my head while looking at that horn: Everything is a dildo if you are brave enough. I can't stop myself from chuckling. Let's just say using that horn for that purpose would probably be to die for.
The other 2 are looking at me like I am crazy. Actually no, Wolfie is used to it by now.
"What is it human? Why are you looking at my horn with such a gaze?"
I probably shouldn't explain it.
[Nothing, it looks very nice. So long and sturdy!]
I barely stop myself from adding: if you know what I mean at the end.
"Hum… Sure. If you want me to show you any respect, you'll have to prove yourself worthy!"
At first, it's looking at me with a wary gaze, but then it starts proclaiming proudly about a test?
[I truly do not care, I'm just here for bio reasons.]
"Bio? What is that?"
"What is that?"
[Spend a penny?]
"I don't hear anything?"
[Look unicorn I'm just here to piss. I don't care about proving anything right now.]
Wolfie is rolling on the ground laughing her tail off.
[So, do you guys know each other?]
"Of course we know each other, if we didn't, I wouldn't be speaking to such a crude man as yourself!"
[Cool story bro.]
[Hum, it is something you say to someone when you don't care about what they are saying. Like that test of yours. Do you understand?]
"Cool story bro!"
[Damn, you are a fast learner. Fine, what is that thing of yours? I'm quite busy these days. Walking and whatnot.]
"You shall showcase something heroic and I will judge you based on it."
[I'm no hero. Hell, I'm not even a real champion. I'm a fake, haha. You'll have to find another hero somewhere else.]
"Humble I see, fine. That is good. How about a dance under the moonlight?"
[Why would I be dancing? What kind of dance can I do alone? Do you want me to breakdance or something?]
"What would that be?"
[Forget it, I don't know how anyway. Then again what is the link between dancing and being heroic?]
"You see dancing is a truly profound art. It is possible to see the true essence of an individual through a dance. The passion, what he values, everything."
[You remind me of my English teacher analyzing why the ravens in a story are black.]
"Oh? He was wise and knowledgeable then?"
[Something like that.]
More like literary analysis has a lot of bullshit in it. The author wrote it like that for a thousand profound reasons… or maybe he just liked black, who knows. I knew some dude writing a web novel and let me tell you his reasons would be: I made the raven black cause it's edgy, lol.
Who can truly tell besides the author himself? Guess what? He's been dead for years! If I ever meet scholars like that in this world, I'm gonna go back to Grey to know for sure. I'll be like find the author's tomb! It is time for literature!
"How about writing a piece of calligraphy using the earth as your canvas?"
[You mean that in a good way, but that simply means us being broke and not being to afford a real canvas. Sadly, I do not know how to write elegantly either. Let's just say I could have become a doctor in another life! Haha.]
"Doctor? How is it related to calligraphy?"
[Hum, where I am from, doctors are renowned for their almost illegible writing. Still, that won't do.]
"I see, then how about playing some music?"
[I can't. But like, even if I could there are no instruments here. What would you have me do? Best I can do is beatbox.]
"Beatbox? What is that?"
[Well, it would be making a beat only using my mouth in my case. Then I could rap or something.]
"Oh! You mean singing! That works! Do that!"
Did we totally spend so much time figuring out what the test content would be? Damn if this was a novel it would go for thousands of chapters for sure.
How long is the test going to be? Beatboxing is serious business. Can't half-ass that. After all, chances are beatboxing is making its apparition in this world for the first time. I do not want to be the one giving it a bad reputation.
Oh, I know.
[How about I perform a song that one of my travel companions taught me recently?]
"I'm listening intently!"
I take a deep breath. After all, while easier than to beatbox, this song is kinda hard too.
It is a war song. It is meant to raise morale and intimidate the enemies.
How awesome is that!
♫♪♫♪◖(^ o ^)◗♪♫♪♫
We are proud warriors!
They thought they would be safe.
Little did they know we are conquerors.
Despair all you want it is too late.
Their pride and walls gone.
Burned it all to the ground.
We are peerlessly strong.
One thing they did wrong.
Opposing us their undoing.
Against enemies no evildoing.
Proceed to crush their bones.
Rampage as a cyclone.
Screwing their women.
Giving some to the henchmen.
Plundering their loot.
Shitting in their food.
Pissing in their drinks.
Destroying all in a blink.
Cutting off their junks.
Hacking it in chunks.
And making them eat it!
Would have been wiser to submit.
On your weak god, we spit!
We are proud warriors!
♫♪♫♪◖(^ o ^)◗♪♫♪♫
I truly outdid myself on that performance!
My voice was clear, powerful, and steady!
I look at the unicorn, I'm sure it is spellbound by my stellar performance.
It fell low on the floor. I get it my performance was shockingly good.
Only thing... why is it vomiting non-stop?
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