Zane Black (A LITRPG progression fantasy)

Zane Black (A LITRPG progression fantasy)

by LyonBemuny

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity

Update #3 20th August 2022 - 2 :

Most of the chapters were re-edited. I've fixed even more stuff since their first release. 

This is the first fiction I've ever written. While that doesn't excuse the problems that this story has, I hope that you can be patient with them.

Growing up, death had always surrounded Zane's family. From his parent's sudden demise to his sister's life-threatening ailment, Zane cursed the fact that he was the only one who was spared from Death's clutches.

Being the odd one out, he was given the responsibility of taking care of his dying sister, Jeanne. But despite how hard he had tried to save her, Death was ever so slightly ahead of him.

Yet, the system had other plans for Zane Black. Right after he had lost everything that had mattered in his life, it had chosen the earth as the next planet to be integrated into its ever-growing empire of empowered beings. 

Transported into a new world, filled to the brim with deadly creatures and powerful beings. Will Zane survive the dangers that awaited him?

And even if he lived, what will happen to the old earth that he was destined to return to?

Release schedule : 

At least one chapter will be released every day at 6 : 00 CET

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Author
LyonBemuny

LyonBemuny

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Table of Contents
48 Chapters
Chapter Name Release Date
Chapter 1. This fate of mine. ago
Chapter 2. This fate of mine - 2 ago
Chapter 3. This fate of mine - 3 ago
Chapter 4. The first day - 1 ago
Chapter 5. The first day - 2 ago
Chapter 6. The first day - 3 ago
Chapter 7. Part 1 - Giant mandibles - 1 ago
Chapter 7. Part 2 - Giant mandibles - 2 ago
Chapter 8. Matriarchy madness - 1 ago
Chapter 9. Matriarchy Madness - 2 ago
Chapter 10. The end of Madness ago
Chapter 11. Newfound strength - 1 ago
Chapter 12. Newfound strength - 2 ago
Chapter 13. Good luck, Zane Black. ago
Chapter 14. Well done, Zane Black ago
Chapter 15. The Coveted Shadow ago
Chapter 16. The Scarlet Rain - 1 ago
Chapter 17. The Scarlet Rain - 2 ago
Chapter 18. Scarlet Prime ago
Chapter 19. The Encampment. ago
Chapter 20. The Unwelcome Guest ago
Chapter 21. Help Unwanted ago
Chapter 22. Tomb of Tzatch - 1 ago
Chapter 23. Ezekiel's beacon. ago
Chapter 24. The Darkness approaches ago
Chapter 25. The Tomb Guardians ago
Chapter 26. The Tomb Guardians - 2 ago
Chapter 27. The Light's Chosen ago
Chapter 28. Death Siphon. ago
Chapter 29. The Final Stand - Tzatch ago
Chapter 30. The Final Stand - Tzatch - 2 ago
Chapter 31. The Final Stand - Tzatch - 3 ago
Chapter 32. Innate talents ago
Chapter 33. Tzatch's bounties ago
Chapter 34. State of Humanity ago
Chapter 35. The Three of the Strongest ago
Chapter 36. The second wave - 1 ago
Chapter 37. The Second Wave - 2 ago
Chapter 38. Pylon ago
Chapter 39. Aftermath and Revelations ago
Chapter 40. The Onyx Hyacinth ago
Chapter 41. The Calm Before The Storm ago
Chapter 42. From the Cold mist, Ariandel. ago
Chapter 43. Into the Mist, Ariandel. ago
Chapter 44. The Mother Wolf, Ariandel. ago
Chapter 45. Shadow ago
Chapter 46. The Fading Mists, Ariandel. ago
Chapter 47. Dawn of a new Day ago

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Moseph
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

A well developing, above average story cut short.

Reviewed at: Chapter 47. Dawn of a new Day

Overall: Engaging, combat focused story written in a distinct stylistic tone that is unique to the author. It's a shame, as of writing (CH. 47) the author has communicated their desire to stop writing due to negative criticism leading to no longer enjoying writing. While the writing isn't perfect the story being told is actually an entertaining read that I believe might have become one of the better stories on this site had it continued for the author to develop the story / characters and improve their writing some bad reviews seem to have shaken the confidence of the author and ruined a good thing.

 

Style: The author has their own style which has a slightly darker / edgy tone, while I normally shy away from overly edgy writing I would say the author has in this case managed to set a consistent and suitable style and due to the MC not really having much dialogue with most of the story being action scenes or introspective reflection by the character. The language used hinges on formal and I suspect the author might be a not native english speaker which frankly makes writing a story of this length with such consistent style commendable. The fight scenes of the story are engaging and well written in my opinion.

Story: While borrowing a few tropes originally from the portal fantasy genre I would argue the author has written an original backstory for the MC. The system is not nonsensical and the author chooses to write it in as a mystery factor as to how it works, this choice builds suspence and excites the reader as to what development will come with characters levelling up and unlocking new abilities / classes. Personally I was gripped by the story and was looking forward to a foreshadowed rivalry the MC was to have in addition to what the end of the tutorial had in store. The story's pacing while not perfect is solid and did not detract from the reading experience for me. The only thing I wasn't super huge on was the slightly cookie cutter classes and archetypal combat styles for all the supporting cast, while the MC had a fleshed out unique build and way of fighting others fell into generic frontline vanguard warrior / fire mage / rogue with little to no individuality in regards to their fighting style and how that meshes with their personality (e.g. while I can be a fire mage I may prefer streams of consistent fire or small, faster bolts of flame targeted at specific areas etc). Perhaps the author would / will do this later on in the story once classes start diverging more from base starting classes.

Grammar: The occasional gramatical error crops up here and there, while there are stories that are unreadable due to poor grammar this is not one of them. While there are mistakes (tense mistakes stand out) I feel like they're easily correctable by having a few proof readers as they're super minor and the true meaning is communicated clearly even in erroneous sentences. Considering this is the author's first fiction I would say this is nowhere near as bad as many other's first attempts.

Character: Mc is quiet, pragmatic, generally logical and nihilistic. The characters in the story have varying levels of characterisation with MC having arguably the most followed by Reghan. The other characters have little in the way of coherrent characterisation with attempts made on an occasional basis, they were for side characters that get barely any attention (Julie's partymates like richard for example) again I suspect the author would have eventually looked to flesh out the supporting cast more over time. Beyond that the MC's motivations are briefly explored on occasion but not really a focus of the story, as this story is more action driven as of this review it is understandable to a degree. Reghan as a character is written as a morally grey character and avoids the pitfall of being generic bad / good guy which is good, the same cannot be said for the rest of the supporting cast of characters who seem to fit more easily into categories of good / bad. On a final note, I actually like seeing the MC make the rational decision to forego the rist of taking the non physical stats and focusing on immediate power to ensure survival, as opposed to another reviewer who I completely disagree with on this point.

If you're reading this LyonBemuny I would urge you to not delete this story since it's an entertaining read and you may eventually want to continue it.

 

 

TheLastStitch
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

I feel just a little tricked by the other reviews on this. There are really just two problems I have with this story, but they are pretty big.

First the word choice is that overly formal and robotic type that either non native English speakers or people who really don't read themselves do. Which honestly isn't the worst if the ideas themselves are engaging. Which as far as I could tell they weren't here. Now admittedly I didn't give this story too long to grab me, like I normally would, but that brings me to my second problem.

Let me preface this by telling you I am very much NOT a grammar police. This is honestly the first time I've ever had this strong a reaction to something like this but the constantly shifting tenses of this story go beyond distracting all the way to maddening. It is honestly egregious. It's like every fourth sentence is messing up a tense. I tried looking past it, until I noticed the authors note saying they have already fixed this issue and it was still this bad.

Look I don't want to put down this writers work, I'm sure I might be overreacting and you could definately find a great story here, but I have to warn any new readers when none of the other reviews even mention the issues, and laud this story like it's the second coming.

Update: as of my posting this review the writer reached out to me on any feedback I could give to improve the reading experience. In a remarkably mature move, they have taken the effort to fix some of the earlier chapters. So my review needs updating.

Tsula
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

If it weren't for the tense shifts..

Reviewed at: Chapter 28. Death Siphon.

I quite like the overall story thus far, it's very inspired by Primal Hunter for the start from what I can see.  The MC starts with a spear though so that's different.

MC is the loner of the tutorial, and the badest of the bad. He was a fighter before the system hit, and golly gee does a world full of stuff to beat up suit him well. He pretty instantly starts defeating things way above his level.

So far there hasn't been a whole lot of character interaction so far. The MC barely meets the rest of the cast.

The MC seems to make fairly thought out choices.. except when he seems to have story related.........  moments? There is a specific choice in particular stands out as the worse choice by a longshot,  but I suppose he is meant to have been drawn to it for.. reasons...?

Like another review mentioned,  the constant shift between past and present tense makes it a rough read. 

It very much needs someone to spend a good lot of time going through and fixing it all, it's pervasive. The issue drags the whole thing down to the point where I wouldn't actually recommend it. Which is a darn shame since if you can read past it's problems it promises to tell a fun (though somewhat standard at this point) system apocalypse story.

jjkyxr
Overall

I have a hard time recommending this compared to a few stories on Royal Road that this was definitely inspired by.

A few good things are going for the story like the fact that our MC doesn't have any cheat at all besides some weird alignment to an element (which hopefully isn't a cheat later on) and how he methodically puts effort to get those lucky breaks, which don't fall into his lap (besides guidance from the system that seems to be helping everyone).

But there are things that irk me that make we worried about the future of the story.

One example is the simplicity of the story's messaging. There is some weird fixation on fighting and holding your end of the deal with strength. It's unreasonable for any story to value fighting strength above all even when there's immense value for soft skills like crafting and building, which is weirdly looked down upon by all the rational characters in the story (so far, ch35).

It's one thing to have the setting make non-fighting professions be unvalued, it's another when you have your main characters also look down upon these skills.

If you ran out of standard litrpg stories to read, this makes an okay filter, but I wouldn't recommend this story as a priority as of right now.

Idle11
Overall

This was well written and enjoyable. With the note that you're discontinuing the story I wanted to share my appreciation, so thanks for the hard work and giving this a try! Maybe some day the trolls will realize they're only hurting the community... But for now you might have inspired someone new to give it a try. Props!

temofonte
Overall

Just wanted you to know, I like the story, the characters, the world building. Sorry that negat9veosh comments get ya down. Though don't take the Grammer issues as a insult if you ask you could find someone to proofread it for ya a bit. I like it enough that I will be sad to see it go since you no longer enjoy it i understand 

BoxerShorts
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Excellent combat, deep worldbuilding/System

Reviewed at: Chapter 47. Dawn of a new Day

Just discovered this story the other day, I binged it in two days over lunch at work.

Style - the extended "tutorial stage" nicely sets up the MC and the System. System is complex and comprehensive, an interesting blend of a few other concepts. Definitely not cultivation style, but clearly emphasizes the strength of a "style" for each character.  It's a harsh System, even in the tutorial, but there's intriguing hints of even deeper complexity within.  Looking forward to seeing more revealed.

Grammar - could probably use a proofreader, but most stories could. The occasional typo never loses the meaning or enjoyment.

Story - Honestly it's dragged in a few places, mostly in between "key fights".  Fight scenes are very well written, with rich detail and plausible "cool moves".  Advancement is rapid; gains from the first fight with a strong new opponent typically make related monsters easy prey.  There's maybe a little more "and then he kills ANOTHER wolf" than is needed, tbh, but I'm not sure what to suggest as a remedy.

Character - This is probably the story's biggest weakness so far, even the MC is a little flat.  He's another lone-wolf superstar.  Secondary characters - and there aren't many of significance - are also a little flat, but interesting foils.  Some of my 3-star rating is probably because of the structure, lone-wolf stories hardly ever give as much scope for characterization and development as ones where The Hero interacts with others.  Hoping - if the story continues - for more of that!

Overall, this is an engaging and interesting story, a lot of the standard LitRPG tropes apply but there's nothing wrong with that!  I was dismayed to read, in an author's note on the latest chapter, that the author plans to stop writing entirely and even delete the story from RR.  I think that would be a sad loss!  

GoldenPoop
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

The main character is way too powerful, the tutorial doesn't feel like a tutorial, instead of low level monsters like goblins and wolves being the only prey needed.

Ezekiel just doesn't feel like a god, he speaks in a weird way that i just can't explain, but it just feels off and childish maybe? He repeats the same words over again. I doubt a god that isn't interested in something would bother to explain it to him instead of just ignoring him. Instead he speaks and repeats it again later, which is why i don't like how it's shown.

 

The skills feel like they come way too easily, no need to practice. The achievements give way too big of a boost, and at this rate it will be even worse than Defiance of the fall, which was good at the start but just became terrible soon after, but this whole thing went downhill as soon as the tutorial started and i can't see it getting better unless it's completely rewritten.

Characters are bland and feel like they are only there to enhance the main characters awesomeness. Perhaps it's just because we haven't gotten to know them yet, but considering how badly the level system is written, I doubt it will be any better.

I won't speak about the grammar, TheLastStitch explained it in his review and. I thoroughly agree with him.

malinizgeldi
Overall

Our mc chooses physical buffs to stay alive as he doesn't know any spells quite logically. and uses a spear. he is offered an "epic skill" related to shadows and a rare ability of "sense boost" and he chooses sensate power that makes sense to survive. This is totally reasonable. But when it's time to take a class, suddenly a monkey steals his logic and he dont chooses the spear class (the most powerful one for survival). He chooses a dark class instead of choosing a logical .

Capitao Caverna
Overall

Well the story is just your everyday system apocalipse with people being transported to a tutorial, I have read a lot of those and I'll probably read a lot more, hell I've even tried my hand at writing it a couple of times without much success but this one just didn't grab me

 

The MC is kind of bland, he just didn't have anything that stood out to me but that by itself isn't a deal breaker if the story is unique, has interesting premises, system or even world building... This one didn't 

 

I guess what really took me out of the story was the MC's actions, he doesn't seem to be that desperate but keep making stupid mistakes, investing his status points in a dumb way, abandoning equipment that should be much better than his own, surviving simply by unexplained luck... I get that the MC's actions could be completely justified on the author's mind but, if it is, he didn't do a very good job of showing it to his readers.

 

Plus there's the jumping elite bear, in a scene there's an elite bear monster and, instead of charging at his prey or doing another epic entrance it jumps impossibly high and drops close to some people... Why, why would a bear jump like that, the way it was described it wasn't even a pounce, the bear literally jumped but into the sky to fall closer to his prey like some kind of frog... I know it shouldn't bother me so much but it completely broke my already poor immersion.

 

In my mind the MC became an incompetent murderhobo who can't even get the lotting part right and I lost all interest, even the fighting scenes didn't sit well with me so I'm jumping out here at chapter 16

 

Well... Jumping bear aside the story could really do with some better justification for the MC's actions and choices, something that makes me believe he made the right choice or that his mistake was justified like, he didn't have the time to think about it or he felt he NEEDED to be stronger now to survive instead of investing in long term gains