Magic: A Friendly LitRPG Adventure.

Magic: A Friendly LitRPG Adventure.

by Bate Ivo

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity
  • Traumatising content

I decided to write a litRPG book (or more accurately a GameLit - a litRPG that doesn't  focus heavily on visual statistics), following the fate of one individual in his path of power. I wanted to see him tame his magic and grow as an extremely powerful mage. But since I didn't want to just give him everything on a silver plate, I decided to imagine as clearly and realistically as possible the choices and the consequences of his actions. At first I wanted to send him on crazy adventures and bombard him with annoying young masters, greedy and bloodthirsty sociopaths and other cliches from the genre. Very quickly I decided against that. But there was a price for all this. Not giving the MC super powerful cheat skill, meant I had to give him an opportunity to build his own skills. Which made the start of the book a bit slower. Usually the best way to start a litRPG on RoyalRoad is to make an explosive first chapter, full of action and overpowered MC. But I decided to take the risk and start a bit slower, but go a little bit deeper into the motivation and the realism of the story. Wish me luck :) See you at the end of the book.

p.s.

I want to make it absolutely clear again (for the two people giving me 0.5 stars at the chapters introducing the starting area and the starting skills). This book is not going to have strong-from-the-start main character! The whole idea is to make the MC work very hard and slowly gather his power. This book doesn't have some goddess giving free skills, nor did we have 1000 years old reincarnators. Naturally since we don't have a super strong hero, he also starts on a relatively safe place, called "The tutorial island". But he still is going to fight every day, learn alchemy, make money, engage in politics, go on interesting adventures and fight strong bosses. His action will matter, not only for his own survival, but for the local human (and sometimes other than human) population, and even, on some small and personal level, the fate of Earth itself.

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  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
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Bate Ivo

Bate Ivo

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JohnPlume
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

It's not bad, but doesn't grab my attention

Reviewed at: Chapter 16

Grammar Score

There weren't any major parts of the grammar that really turned the story off for me. I have read stories on royalroad where it felt like it went through google translate multiple times. That issue is not present here. There are not horrible grammar mistakes, though it is not perfect. 

Style Score

I don't mind the slow buildup of the story. In some ways, it is more realistic. The issue I have is that in many ways, both the characters and setting are a bit bland. I have tried to give the story its fair shake in that I read 16 chapters. For other stories this would be half a volume or even a volume. However, even after reading that long, little truly stands out about the story that makes me think it has its own unique style and feel.


Character Score

The character is not unique enough in my opinion in that he has a slightly cliche combat class that he does not do anything unique with. All that stands out is how "efficient" the class is without being very surprising or entertaining in the process. 

As a summoner who shoots crossbows from afar. His summons are cliche in that you have a normal bear and an imp which does not do much. They don't really have much of personalities to really keep me engaged in their fights nor do they do anything truly amazing in their fights to keep me engaged. The closest thing is when the bear jumps from a huge height and the character compared the bear to a pro wrestler. Now that would be interesting, a pro-wrestler bear in costume. 

Similarly, the challenge itself is cliche in that the protagonist faces a very common beginner monster in fantasy/tower novels with no real different spin on how the monster is presented or defeated. They don't really allow the character to really shine on a deeper level besides the idea that the protagonist is efficient at grinding. 

The challengers have to test themselves against a wave of zombies where they can earn points at a system store for items, this is not really that creative. Many fantasy stories start with undead as tutorial monsters as they are slow, stupid creatures and thus easy for protagonists to train on. There have also been big zombies in other stories. Nothing screams out saying what makes your zombies more special than other zombies.

As for other kinds of challenges besides fighting the designated monster, the author attempts to do this on some level. However, once again, these side challenges are not really that interesting or surprising. Nor does the conflict for these challenges really take much effort to solve. These little side arcs are so forgettable and do not add much to the story that if you skipped those arcs (at least in the chapters I read) the story would not really feel that different and end up in the same place. Each challenge should push the protagonist in different ways and be memorable to the reader. 

For example, a rapist is defeated in a short spoiler section while the political system is decided in a chapter very quickly with no real surprises at results.

Simply adding side challenges do not automatically add depth. If the story explored those types of challenges more deeply in relation to the character besides "it's bad" or enacted those challenges in more unexpected/more detailed ways compared to other stories, these events would feel more like they mean something to the greater story plot.

Finally, the protagonist itself does not have much of a personality. He has a couple defining traits. However, these traits are not presented in a way that makes the protagonist sympathetic, interesting, or memorable.

The only thing that defines him personally besides his summoning class is he is smart enough to recall some specific philosophers and insists on everyone calling him by his official noble title Marquis (which might be something later on, but without any other defining features or entertaining presentation just makes him seem snobby but still not snobby enough to be funny or memorable).

If the author played up the character traits more often and perhaps in a more memorable manner it would make more of an impact. I will give the author the fact that his characters are not just blank slates. Yet on some level they still feel like plastic dolls. To feel like real people, the character need to be put in multiple situations where you can frequently shine a light on the different perspectives of his personality. At the moment, it feels like personality traits were added after the story was written when it should feel like the personality is woven into every action and thought that the character has. As a reader, I should not only not mind the personality traits you give the character but love the character even more because they have those traits. 

Story Score

Again, I don't have an issue with slow strength progression stories. In fact, some of my favorite stories are slow progression stories. The trap though that many of these types of stories fall into though is that they think they need to be as logical and straightforward as possible. However, when you do this, you have trouble keeping the audience's attention. In those cases, the characters, the challenges, and the unique setting is what gives the story life. Let me give you an example.

I would argue that stories like One Piece and other shounen mangas are slow progression stories like you have here. Luffy grows tons stronger over time and it has completely felt natural. After all, the Luffy in current chapters is able to make people faint with a look, predict the future in the middle of a fight, make his skin as hard as armor, and completely alter the landscape when he fights. These are things that Luffy in the first few chapters was unable to do. Yet it has felt like a natural progression because there are strict rules regarding the power of the world regarding haki and devil fruits that was woven throughout the story. This is what I think you are trying to do with your story. Have clear rules for the power progression and slowly build the character up.

Yet despite them being similar types of stories, I never felt bored in the early chapters of One Piece. The reason being was that the characters, setting, and challenges felt so unique that it captured my imagination. Look at the protagonist, he is memorable in multiple ways. One is his power itself, being made of rubber. That is so different and not as straightforwardly impressive as to other superpowers out there (ex. superstrength and superspeed), but the author creatively shows in very different scenarios how such a power can be used in different ways whether it is stretching for a strong punch, deflecting bullets, blowing up to a balloon to deflect cannon fire, or even taking advantage of the fact that even his blood is rubber. It’s not just his power, his personality of being so stupid and very straightforward is also memorable because it bounces off more normal people (yet still memorable in their own way) and is displayed in very different situations both in and out of combat.

The setting is also played to its fullest. Luffy is a pirate, so the early arcs fully explore that in depth. They have to face so many different types of challenges including acquiring a ship, navigating to new locations, having to fight off the law constantly, dealing with unusual weather, and so many other challenges. The setting is its own character because it takes a simple premise and explores it in so many ways that it surprises you.

Even the enemies are memorable despite the fact that if you boiled it down, their archetypes are very basic. The first enemy Luffy fights? A fellow pirate, but it is an extremely fat woman with a club that is convinced she is the most beautiful woman in the world. The second enemy, corrupt government official. But he has an axe for an arm and has a spoiled child who he doesn't hesitate to hit when it contrasts his personal greatness. He faces another pirate conducting a raid, but it is a clown that can break into pieces and he has minions that also seem like they came out of a circus. The first non-human enemy not only has a unique design, a sharkman, but also has a deep backstory and connection to a character (Nami) the audience slowly grew to love and by learning more, learned to love Nami even more. Furthermore, these villains were able to hurt/challenge Luffy in different ways, giving his fights a more captivating feel.

Now what about your story? You have a slow progression story of a mage who is defeating monsters to slowly get stronger. Cool. What makes your story unique and stand out from other stories that are similar? Those unique features need to be constantly emphasized in entertaining and surprising ways. You can have a slow progression story, but you still need the setting, the characters, and the challenges to pick up the slack. It all needs to stand out and stand out quickly. Otherwise, people are just going to drop your story eventually. Again, it's not really bad, but it was not able to grab my attention enough to make it worth keep reading. No characters or worldbuilding was unique enough to make me want to know what happened to them next.

Sorry if this seems harsh. This is not meant to be any kind of personal attack. My only goal is to help you the author grow as a writer. You probably have a very indepth plan on how your character gets stronger. You just need to learn how to make me the audience quickly care enough about the story to find out what that plan is eventually.

myxir
Overall

This suffers from Mary Sueism a lot. Main character is powerful, smart and rich. On top of that he gets a rich kid background.

Later on during conflict he easily solves a problem and everyone applauds urrg.

Style is first person and grammar is ok, however there are content warnings inserted that break the immersion.

rta22bg
Overall

A interesting story

Reviewed at: Chapter 11

The book is good, but it isnt character driven, but story driven instead. Its a harder thing to do for new autors, but so far the story is fine. Also I really like the MC and the world. The story is going a bit fast then most books and I like this. I hate slow books! 

I highly recommend this story to everybody. Even if you don't think you'll like it from what you hear. Not only does this story dodge every single pitfall that comes its way, it absolutely obliterates them.

 

There are no romantic interests so far, but I prefer my novels romance free so its a plus in my books!

It honestly more than deserves a full score, each chapter makes me crave more chapters, and the chapters are quite beefy as well.

 

Conclusion
 
Overall, I recommended this story to anyone interested in fantasy. I think it will be especially appealing to anyone who enjoys magical settings or progression fantasy. As a fan of both sub-genres, it scratches all the right itches for me.

 

The grammar is good, nothing outstanding mind you but it is doing the job.

I like the hummor of the Author and the style of the book. No whining teens there thankfully.

The story starts as somewhat typical tower apocalypses lit rpg, but quickly changes to something much more. There is no stats, no "system" (well not exactly) and yet the humans have access to mana and grow in a unique and logical way. 

FirefighterDE
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Very interesting take on the litRPG ganre!!

Reviewed at: Chapter 16

Very interesting take on the litRPG ganre!!

I also like the humorious and yet realistic style of the book πŸ˜ƒ There arent many blue boxes or too much focus on the mecarrnics. I love the city building parts and the alchemy. My Favoriten Charakter is Niko 😁😁😁😁

The blurp is a little Bit Strange so please Change it to Something more focused. 

The grammar is OK but I am not a native speaker so I am Not the best judge of that. There are Same small mistakes but I have never needed to rewrite some Paragraph. 

There are several interesting characters, but the Story ist mainly told from the MC Point of view. The MC fully deserves my five stars!!! He is strong, confident and smart, never goes to seek Trouble Just to move the Plot .. at least so far .. He doesnt seems to have a Cheat Skill wich is Strange. I Hope the Autor finds how to use this smarter.

 

Overall I enjoyed my time Reading the novel, and am going to recommend it to my reading group πŸ˜πŸŽ‰ 

 

P.S.

Is There Others symiliar Stories on RR? I Like to read more rationalist books. PM me for recomendation pls.