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What is this place I've stumbled upon?

I know where I am, but I'm feeling quite lost.

The trees, they sing with me,

is it a sweet melody,

Or a taunting sound?

 

At some point, I tried to question my decisions. What do I really want? Am I doing things right? I seriously don't know anymore. I am confused with myself, I always try to contradict my desires just to please my parents.

And the worst part is, there might have been a time when I might have known what to do,

but for some reason, I didn't and still chooses not to.

 

Will I ever be brave?

How can I? If even being brave makes me scared.

Perhaps I might never come out from this shadow.

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Suddenly, there were indistinct sounds around me, and my thoughts got cut off. I looked around and it was coming from the rustle of papers and pens being busily tidied up from every student's desk, as well as the sound of footsteps of people going out of the room. It turns out our class already ended and I finally can go home. I also fixed my things instantly and absentmindedly went out of the room, still thinking of unnecessary things. I need not greet anyone as I'm not even familiar with most of my classmates, I doubt they even know I exist as I barely interact with anyone.

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"Addieeeee!"

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I just stepped out of the campus gate when I heard someone calling me from behind. I don't even have to check who's calling me as I can only count on my fingers the number of people here who knows me, and that already includes our instructors. I turned around to greet my best friend, Piper Brown, who is currently trying so hard to catch up with me on those high-heeled shoes of hers.

We both moved here together to study so our apartment is just a few steps in distance. We would often meet up after class to walk home together regardless if our schedules match or not.

"Hey!" I called back as she caught up to me. I shook my head at the sight of her, it must have been hard running in that high heels. I just don't understand why she fancies using such, paired up with luxury clothes. She looks

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well, expensive and it's good on her I guess but, she was already pretty regardless, she would probably look good in whatever she wears and I would prefer it if she wears something more comfortable.

We didn't get close by chance. Even if I would have been a little more sociable, it will still depend if my parents would approve of them hanging out with me. My parents would never let me be friends with her if she comes from a simple background. Good thing Piper is the daughter of the most renowned Doctor here in Australia and owns the biggest hospital therein that is why we can freely get close. As she also pursues a course in the medical field, she told me that this is the last time she has a chance to wear extravagantly because once she becomes a doctor, she would be wearing that medical gown most of the time, that's why I just let her use whatever she wants.

"Coffee?" She asked me with pleading eyes. It is not a secret that being in the field of medicine is one of the most tiring to work on and study so I guess her class might've drained all her energy again so she needed to recharge now. I originally intended to just go home immediately and take a rest, but looking at her, how can I refuse when she looks at me with those doe-like eyes again? I just sighed helplessly after looking at her appearance and agreed.

 

Truth be told, if not for her, I would probably still be alone right now. It wasn't a secret that I am antisocial. This probably started as I was always home-schooled until I finished grade school as arranged by my parents. Their conception is that schools won't be able to focus on bringing out the best in me when they have other students to tend to as well. They want someone who can put all their attention on me as they think that the early stage of education is the most crucial part of growing up so they hired the top instructors that can cultivate me personally to help me with my studies.

After that, they finally decided to enroll me in a renowned academy during middle school so I can start learning how to be competitive in life. They wouldn't be satisfied unless I top all my subjects and beat everyone in our class. And because of that, I end up graduating without having any friends as I don't know how to interact with them and they seem intimidated to me as well.

 

I was just fine though, it never really bothered me, as long as I can achieve my goal.

 

I was fine...

But there was this one time, during the first day of high school, someone suddenly started a conversation with me. It was a first for me as nobody ever tried to approach me. She looks really pretty with her long, wavy auburn hair, and cheerful smile. She nonchalantly sat on the empty chair beside me and kept on chatting nonstop but I just ignored her and started browsing our books to study. There were lots of empty chairs around and yet she keeps on bugging me.

I was and I guess still am aloof with anyone but she was too clingy to me that I ended up letting her in on my secluded world. Even though I don't understand why someone like her would try to enter my bland and colorless life, it turned out that since then, I can't get rid of her and we got stuck with each other.

 

What's more fascinating is that we are contrasting in many ways. It might be too dramatic to describe her this way, but I think she's the definition of spring- Colorful, vibrant, and makes someone feel revived just by being around her. Her blue-grey eyes are so peaceful and friendly that they make you feel comfortable. Wherever she walks, you can vividly imagine flowers blooming around her.

 

On the contrary, you can say I'm the human representation of autumn, very dull, that even my hair color resembles it as if I embodied the season of sadness, where leaves fall and the cold wind blows. Whose green-hazel eyes make you feel longing, yet the indifferent gaze looks as dangerous as a bottomless pit so you don't even dare approach.

 

I was always described as someone intimidating, but seriously, I don't know how else to act around other people. Who doesn't want to feel affection? I'm not a robot after all, but unfortunately, I was brought up this way, to guard myself against anyone at all times. My parents taught me that the world is full of wolves trying to hide their identities. They will befriend you only to gain some benefits, and once you let your guard down, they would fang their teeth and gnaw at you and wouldn't think twice to abandon you once you're of no use. That made me vigilant, as I got too scared of betrayals.

I then became rigid and sometimes I even think I lack emotions. I mostly learned things through reading and music and had no first-hand experiences with most things. I felt like I have lived a very meaningless life so far.

 

I've tried to break the walls,

Yet they tried harder to build it back.

There's a part of me that wants to move forward,

but the question is,

"Where should I start?"

Even in the modern world that's full of instant things,

changing your patterned life is not easy.

It's that little push you are searching for,

A push to motivate you to be new.

That thing that seems to be missing,

Leaving you incomplete,

drawn in the past,

and in your own darkroom,

leaving you motionless,

waiting for that moment that never seems to come.

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