The Fiasco



Book 1, Part VII – Drugs Make Terror Fun


My head cracked against the ground and the world split into unconnected copies that swam around. The Alice fell right on top of me while the knife slashed by one ear. I jerked and pushed the black haired psycho off. She rolled into a wall and thumped hard leaving me staring at the ceiling briefly in contemplation of this latest situation.

Some people have hit rock bottom before. They stand up, brush themselves off then commence whining. I was past real complaints because they rarely did any good. Freaking out, being positive, and trying to scare off idiots who thought I was somehow going to be useful a mad plan were all that remained on the table.

When hitting rock bottom, I generally did the same two things. First, I reminded myself that there was always some way to make life worse. First example that came to mind, I could be naked and running from a woman who intended to penetrate me.

Instead we were a few levels above that one. I had clothes, The Alice was dizzy, and Ted had actually managed to flip to his knees then started constructing another crazy object that looked like a freeze ray. That lead into my second step, which was figuring out what options were available.

There were a few mushrooms pocketed from last night’s jail cell dinner. I was hungry, and that was a problem that could be solved. Honestly everything in this branch of hell would be about the same, hallucinogenic, possible side effects, and editable. Judging by Ted’s attitude last night, the mushrooms would probably make this entire day more exciting.

“Adammmm?” she staggered to one side. The fight with that giant pink thing wearing mole man must have taken a lot out of her. “Where are you honey?”

“Ted,” I groaned while sitting up. “You should leave, she’s after me.”

“But,” he protested while looking over.

He had to be stopped, not from some nefarious plan, but from being turned into the latest casualty of prolonged exposure to my life.

“I’m about to make a brilliant decision, and it’s better if you get get away.” I lifted up my ignored dinner from last night. Ted had taken his share shortly after being sprayed by gunk and spent most of last night babbling about his past conquests or singing, I couldn’t tell which.

“You know mushrooms don’t take effect that fast, right?” Ted stared at the bundle in my mouth. His frost gun was almost done.

The Alice sat against a wall huffing. Apparently the fall had done more damage to her than us. I blinked as her clothes waved in places there wasn’t a wind. She looked like some makeup commercial gone all wonky colored with panting.

The mushrooms were already kicking in. How screwed up was that? Ted had reacted like a seasoned pro while I tried to make the impending ride more exciting. Plus he had a small green monkey floating around his head. Angry little monkey. It probably didn’t exist.

I shrugged, swallowed back a pool of saliva then said, “Wonderland rules are magical, that’s why the bowl of food said eat me.”

Ted stared at me, the staggering woman was patting her chest counting knives, and the opened roof. Her eyes were unfocused and form slightly faint. I wondered what that meant since she had never once faded out like that before.

“Anyway, you should run,” I suggested.

“I don’t want to. There’s good footage here,” he said as the camera floated down. It had taken a slower descent down the pit after us. Its red light blipped happily.

“Adam?” The Alice lost focus while staring at the flying orb.

Drugs were hitting my optic nerves and making colors brighter. My mouth felt dry. I waved away the distorted version of Ted. Ted looked all inky with his black and white suit. The Alice looked twisted, like her back curved sharper than it should have.

Her hair actually looked wet, and for a moment I wondered if it was made of black licorice or water. Fascination with her in any form should have scared me but I started giggling instead. Mostly because of her confused fascination with the floating camera. Or it might have been the black crow making a nest of strands of her hair. Drugs, right?

The Alice started screaming and both ears hummed in protest. “I’ll cut you!” she shouted at the orb. Her crow kept on happily nipping at bits and tried to twist them together.

Whatever made it function also programmed the orb to back away quickly without even a sputter. It clearly operated on some super nonsense system from some place with some things. Holding onto thoughts grew harder to accomplish.

I wasn’t high really; mushrooms were a bit different than weed in that regard. You might ask at this point, ‘but Adam, how could you know?’ Well then, life had introduced me to many different adventures inducing substances, some designer, others natural. In this sort of other dimensional stopping point, actual results would vary. If you’re looking for me to sum this up, then that’s easy. The walls were bleeding a lime green and I thought it was giggle worthy. I couldn’t see my own spirit animal though, and that annoyed me.

Blinking didn’t help. Squeezing one eye longer than the other only made me dizzy. Losing track of The Alice made me heart beat rapidly. Everything was okay though, because she was right behind Ted with a giant knife to his throat. The monkey was busy screaming soundlessly at the crow.

“Adam, is this the one who introduced you to this Miss Robinson hooker?”

“It’s from a song,” Ted had both hands up. The freeze ray in his hand was blue. It was a good happy little color and its insides danced around slowly. “A very good song that I’m told transcended realities. You know how it is, someone slips-”

“Okay,” The Alice smiled. “Then I’ll just remove you, then them.”

They were clearly a rock and hard place. Or a crazy woman with a knife which lifted back slightly. To my knowledge Ted was human, which meant poor compatibility with sharp blades. This had to stop.

“Let him go, and I’ll gladly go with you,” even drugged the words felt dry. I forced myself to smile.

“But the story,” Ted protested in a Scottish accent.

“Then give me the camera.” It looked exactly like a giant eyeball and that was freaking me out. My eyebrows went wide. “It can record all the lovely adventures my wonderful girlfriend and I go on.” Prime time over watch orb could follow me and see everything, right up until being stabbed. I fully expected that at some point.

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Of course not,” I said rapidly while almost falling backwards. This mole tunnel didn’t have enough room for running. Even the slight rumbling under Ted’s foot wouldn’t help us.

“Of course not,” The Alice said at the same time then added, “we’re in love.” She flipped a knife around while speaking. Now at least the point was away from us.

I almost spouted a line of bitter words but neither of them registered the tone. My greatest weapon, neutralized. The man standing there didn’t seem capable telling when I was sarcastic and was forced to always tell the truth. She was clearly a different problem along the same lines, and took everything said in whatever light best suited her beliefs.

We would make a terrible super villain team. Conversationally Challenged Trio, Big Babble Babies, The Socially Disastrous, or Communication Impairment Incorporated. There were endless possibilities but the blue freeze ray and knife were very shiny.

“Get out of here! Leave me alone with my fiancée.” The Alice elevated our relationship to a whole new level. I raised an eyebrow while wondering about being taken to dinner first.

That knife was very shiny. The thought kept playing in my head along with distorted senses and delayed jumpiness. I looked around for the animals but they were gone for some reason. That didn’t help me maintain my sanity.

“Yes, you should really leave,” I said then nodded rapidly. “Alice, do you know of a way out for Ted?”

Oh, I had a great idea. I laughed then tried not to spout my grand plan right away. She would want to get rid of Ted so we could commence the honeymoon, and then we would all escape. The Alice didn’t exist back in reality. At least she never had been able to follow me before.

I just had to play nice with the crazy lazy who made my skin crawl in terror. That other girl, Tina, was more my speed, and sane. Sane mattered heavily when considering future relationships.

“Adam? Adam honey,” she said while twisting the knife. It flashed and distracted my thoughts again. Focusing on one object grew harder. I couldn’t remember if she had answered my question about an escape route.

“So I should just leave?” ted asked.

“That would be the most intelligent thing you’ve ever done,” I smiled.

“Oh there’s only one way out of here, we just have to murder one of the queens,” The Alice cheerfully provided.

“One?” Ted looked lost. I understood exactly what he meant and nodded sagely.

“There’s always at least two. Once I adventures in a land with six,” The Alice tapped the knife handle against her cheek. Her free fingers were still wrapped around Ted’s shoulder which caused his face to grow pale.

“Can we go kill the Queen together?” I tried to smile but knew for a fact that I was sweating profusely and starting to twitch. Just the thought of my own face made me laugh. My eyebrows felt stuck on high elevation.

I needed real sleep, no drugs, and a spa. If you find a good spa, with deep cleansing baths to remove all the insanity, that would be good, or some etheric tweezing. I still don’t really know what options existed for normal people.

“Do you really want to go with me?” she asked with her knife pointed straight at me. It looked so close my head had to pull back slowly.

“Of course, I would love to,” I tried to wink at Ted and nod my head seriously but it ended up being a slow terrified blink instead.

That’s how the three of us ended up traveling through an unground hellhole that made little to no sense. Ted stayed in the back with his camera. Every twenty feet The Alice would grab me by the shirt and make us pose together. I wanted to be positive but Ted’s third eyeball kept freaking me out.

Eating the mushrooms had been a mistake. Drugs are bad, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Sometimes though, sometimes you’re in a bad place forever and want out. I wondered, if I just turned and asked her to slice my head off, if The Alice could make it painless. For love of course.

Would she accept my corpse in trade? I didn’t want to die, but at the same point being a living beacon for the shit storm of multiple people had ruined any semblance of normalcy. After years of this nonsense I still tried to keep myself out of the limelight and away from innocents. There were too many bystanders who got caught up in my wake.

“What are you muttering?” Ted asked.

“He’s saying how much he adores me, right Adam?” she said with one arm linked in mine. “What else would he be saying?”

“It sounded like names,” Ted’s stupid inability to lie made me want to throttle the man.

“Of all the women in the world that are inferior to you dear Alice.” I smiled again and felt like a used car salesman. The world swam a bit as my head tried to stay stable but kept retreating from the sharp knifes being waved around.

We were entering into a forest, underground, which made as much sense as anything else. If I looked far above there was a slight brown and blue color that nearly like a sky. In the Mole People Wonderland we had reached a daylight setting. All the better to be terrified with.

The Alice pulled me by one arm. I stumbled afterwards hoping for a second portal to appear under my feet and get us out of here. Clearly my fantastically awesome superpowers felt being dragged around by a knife wielding psycho was safe enough. Ted very quietly stayed behind and did exactly what was ordered.

I tried not to mumble under my breath and lists of names.

“There. We can use that,” The Alice yanked my head to the side with powerful fingers. Her voice and screaming might have calmed down but the woman clearly had no clue how to interact with normal people. If you think I said that with a certain amount of denial, you’d be right.

Anyway, there was a table, and on it were two baskets filled with cookies and small milk containers. We were either at the dark side, or things were about to grow worse than tripping mushrooms and making bad decisions. Those hadn’t worn off by the way, thank you wonderland and a lack of real food.

“How will that help get Ted away,” I asked while trying not to sway then hastily added, “so we can be alone together?”

“Oh no, if we kill the Red Queen we can’t be alone together. I was going to put your friend out of the way somewhere safe, then keep you to myself.” The Alice declared happily.

My eyes closed tightly for a moment while I tried to process her complete lack of guile. Which one of us was the insane one here? Ted, clearly. He dove into a closing portal in the ground, and I still haven’t figured out how the man managed to avoid that oncoming truck. Maybe he was a figment of my imagination.

I punched Ted in the arm. It seemed like the thing to do, and impulse control hadn’t really been consulted.

“What was that for?” Ted lowered his eyebrows at me then lifted the freeze ray.

“I was testing your sanity levels,” I smiled and almost felt briefly happy. That was an illusion of the drugs though, don’t let anyone fool you.

“Hit him again,” The Alice suggested happily. “It makes it easier for me not to kill him.”

That sounded like a good idea. It might have been the fact that The Alice sounded so bittersweet in her tone. There was this kind of cough at the end of her words the longer we hung out. Almost sick, but high and full of energy.

I honestly didn’t understand how she worked. Did the woman simply appear at every single version of Wonderland, or only certain ones? She might have some wonky power that forced her to deal with this place like mine. Maybe we're alike, and that was a disturbing thought. If I was forced to deal with the same reoccurring themes over and over I might also be kind of psychotic.

Future kidnappers and Mole People beware! Adam Millard will be fighting back soon, by recording all your sordid affairs and putting them on the internet. Adam, number one paparazzi to the hero world. I started laughing then punched Ted again for the hell of it. What did I care? Worst case scenario he would retract the job, but my life would go on. It always went on.

“Stop that,” he said.

“No, you’re clearly insane. I mean, offering me a job?”

“What?” The Alice asked.

It must have been the drugs, because I actually wanted to answer her. Then we could talk about anything besides stabbing people, which The Alice had rambled about for quite a while during our underground tour, and how much other women were inferior.

“I must have been,” Ted shook his head then tried to smile. “But the offer still stands, and this is all newsworthy. The others have tentatively signed off pending a face to face.”

“That sounds great, where can I watch?” The crazy knife wielding psychopath of Wonderland was clapping her hands happily. I felt sad at the missing shiny weapons. “Oh, Adam would be marvelous on television.”

“Well we haven’t finalized everything yet. He still has to be approved by my partners.”

“Oh does he?” The Alice’s eyes went wide and a second knife flashed into her hands. When had the first appeared again? You’d be right to think that I was having a hard time keeping track.

I was still trying to figure out exactly how she managed to get a weapon ready and not let go of her death grip on my arm. At least the creepy soundtrack was turned down, but that might have been the drugs. It certainly because being near The Alice felt less crazy as time dragged on.

“He’s practically a shoe in already. Don’t worry your sweet self about it.” Ted beamed a smile. “You never told me how you and Adam met, he’s been practically hush about his past. I would so love to hear about how he captured your heart.”

The Alice literally gushed at the chance to explain all about our many relationship angles. I didn’t even know the woman had it in her. She looked so excited I swear her clothes turned from their nearly black shades to a pleasant deep blue.

Apparently, and this sounded like pure nonsense that probably happened, but apparently The Alice had been a normal girl lost in a fantasy land until I rescued her. That made absolutely no sense, because I’m pretty sure people needed saving from The Alice, not the other way around.

I didn’t remember half the events she was talking about. Part of me wanted to explain that it couldn’t have possibly been me, but maybe it was. She described me to a tee. Even the lines where she pretended to have my voice while talking to Ted sounded like nonsense that would come out of my mouth. I wouldn’t have used the words somber, serious, or practical to describe myself.

They kept talking, and at some point my arms were free again. I felt hungry still despite the mushrooms. They weren’t really much in the way of substance anyway, and one less imparted to me over the years had been ‘eat when you can’. Especially since nothing actually ended up killing me. This fantasy land probably didn’t have poisons so much as unadvertised side effects.

Naturally I shoved like four cookies from the basket into my mouth rapidly then swished it down with what tasted like strawberry milk. Never mind that the bottle had a small thumbs up, followed by a much larger one. I was halfway into chugging the second one before the effects started becoming obvious.

The world had started to grow very, very small. Ted was below me with The Alice staring up. I tried to gently grab Ted by his shirt and deposited him in an open palm. He actually was no bigger than my hand.

I had to get this foolish idiot to an exit. It would be just a matter of breaking out, or trying to escape. Really I didn’t have a good reason for what came next, only that I wanted to run away from The Alice before she became even more relatable. There were vague thoughts of at least getting Ted to safety while we still could.

My feet thundered across the underground forest. By now the trees were shorter than I was, and the ceiling was only a tippy toe reach away. I saw a dark exit that might be helpful and started going for it. Ted and his stupid red orb camera were recording everything.

“Don’t run away Adam! I can handle all of your love!” The Alice shouted up at me.

Naturally I ran harder, because her declaring a wiliness to take on this huge size was proof of insanity. Sheer, absolutely over the top crazy that only a place like Wonderland would embrace.

I heard glass shatter behind me, which probably meant that she had drank the other bottle. There were three sitting out there, one for each of us.

“Where’s the exit,” I said slowly. The only explanation for everything to happen so far was drugs and magical nonsense.

There was a bug flying around. It yammered drunkenly at me. I think there were words but each flutter of wings served to aggravate me. I set Ted down on a ledge then started swinging. The moth grew larger then glowed with an angry mix between red and blue. Not purple, but distinctly mixed up.

“Shut up!” I yelled at it then waved my arms around quickly. One arm scraped against the ceiling. My feet stumbled along tall chest high trees. It felt like something was biting at my skin.

Every flap of the god damned thing’s wings made my mind go numb. I kept trying to connect two thoughts together but came up with ‘Adam smash!’ instead. So, I did. The temporary super power of ‘Smashing’ executed and my hands both lifted towards the nearby roof. Rocks rumbled and brushed away.

Something crunched under my hands and the room thudded loudly. There were pieces of broken board and a slick feeling doorframe all bent of whack. A new long hallway shone behind it that hadn’t been apparent before.
I made the mistake of turning around. The Alice walked along calmly with a large knife in one hand. She was smiling at me but it looked dark again. The world started to get larger and my fingers sank into a puddle of gross. Shards of the door around me grew even larger. I tried to remember seeing the obstruction before squishing the fluttering bug but came up empty. It had been setting Ted down, flailing, then a fantasy creature double homicide.

“Oh you got past that annoying door!” The Alice leaned over with the knife flat against her legs and both hands clasped tightly over its handle. She was absolutely huge and my heartbeat stuttered. Dark hair framed a distorted smile.

This world was back to normal, sort of, and now I sat with the remains of a broken door and a murdered bug under my back. A pile of florescent green goo squished with each slight twitch. I watched to wretch but settled with denial and shaking.

“You even killed the caterpillar! Good. I hate talking to him,” The Alice started shrinking too and it didn’t really help. “He’s always acts so superior, no matter how many times I kill him.”

She got closer and that disturbed smile reappeared. Wide eyes were locked onto me like lasers. The Alice walked closer and actually looked up and down my body while licking her blade.

Her feet kept moving forward. The dress looked a bit thinner than I remembered. Shoulder straps had torn from her brief enlargement and her hair looked like a hot mess. My own clothes were probably equally broken.

One leg slid over my chest and soon the woman was straddling me. Her dress bunched around the waist and groin ground against mine. She bit at a lower lip and pressed both hands upon my chest. Good god, The Alice was thin. The weight pressing down on me was hardly anything. How could such a light woman be so damn scary?

She leaned over with the blade pointing downward and I suddenly I had an answer. Girls and sharp things were always freaky. It slid with a faint squashing noise into the broken door shard and guts next to me. The Alice leaned over and pressed a thin body against mine. The goo we laid in and her sheer closeness left nothing to the imagination.

One arm lifted upwards and ended up sliding under where the dress had bunched at her thigh. The Alice’s eyes fluttered and she downright moaned. It sounded too disturbingly attractive. I don’t know if that was years of repressed desire to bed anyone, part of my powers, or sheer accident.

“You should come find me on the other side of the looking glass, Adam. I could make it worth your while. I promise, I won’t bite, and no knives.” Her voice crawled in my ear and pulled a cord connecting heart to groin.

“Okay,” I tried to form a thought but barely managed to grunt in response. Sure, I had been around the block once or twice, willingly or unwillingly.

But seriously, does anyone else out there try to rationalize this sort of stuff? I was almost all for the idea. I mean, sleeping with crazy is still sex, right? Unless she was like a praying mantis that intended to rip my head off after mating. The Alice kept whispering and slowly the line of vaguely naughty things she intended became increasing more disturbed.

There were other disjointed thoughts hanging in the back of my mind as I debated shoving her off and running in terror through the tunnel. First was the worry that we were laying in the dead body of a giant butterfly, or whatever a mole people version of caterpillars turned into, a moth maybe. Glowing guts were nearly harmless compared to certain extradimensional monsters.

The last half formed idea was Ted just hanging out nearby, and that didn’t interest me at all. The man coughed loudly further confusing me. My face flushed red at being caught with an excited but clearly psychotic woman trying to ride me.

Then there was that other female, Tina. She had been kind of nice, but what was she to me? The Ice Princess was only some heroine that had been provided by my power as a vehicle to safety. If not her, then it would have been any number of other possibilities. That was how my power worked, someone showed up, and I received a much needed rescue just inches before death.

The Alice had stood then started righting herself. I caught a glimpse of leg and noticed that she wore lacy looking stockings which clasped together with the rest of her undergarments. My eyebrows went up as I tried to figure out what had just happened. Did I really agree to meet her in reality?

Ted coughed again then gestured to the red orb. “Maybe you have time for a few more questions then? To help me piece together your story so we can show the world your love.”

The Alice looked at Ted blankly. I couldn’t tell if she was torn between gushing again about our entire life history or continuing what was about to happen. Both were, I don’t know, good wasn’t the right word. This place had my mind and thoughts all twisted.

“I remember hearing about you, you know. Not just an alternate realm that takes shape from the mind, but of the woman who finds herself in Wonderland over and over. Not a simple Alice who fits the bill, but The Alice. You were institutionalized from repeated overdoses.”

She nodded happily then responded to Ted. “Oh no, I’m not insane. The doctors are worse than I am.”

“But you do come here over and over?”

“All the time,” I muttered to myself. Ted ignored me and tried to keep conducting his interview.

“I’m here a lot, every time I dream and my eyes close I see this place,” she said while twirling around and checking out if the dress was in position.

“Well then, out there, what are you?” asked Ted.

“I only a girl,” said Alice, rather doubtfully, as if she realized exactly how far askew from a normal girl she really was.

“A likely story,” I said with a sigh while trying to figure out exactly where in my life things had gone wrong.

That apparently broke her. The Alice faltered and fell to her knees, then started bawling. Rivers of liquid poured downward that were thankfully only metaphorical. Her nose blubbered and makeup streaked.

I absently managed to figure out where life first went wrong. In the fifth grade, when I yelled at Tommy Needlemyer about the size of his ugly nose. That’s why I ended up with a power that essentially attracted crazy. These two were unique compared to my normal fare. That had to be the reason. It could have been stealing Jessie’s backpack and scattering her belongings in the playground during kindergarten.

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself,” said Ted while patting The Alice’s shoulders. “A guy like you making a woman cry like this. It’s not every day someone in our line of work is offered love.”

The young woman went on all the same. I stood there, looking at the smashed door, crying woman, and Ted’s newest costume which looked vaguely like a doctor’s outfit, or nurse. He had one of those pastel set of scrubs and a stethoscope. Green grim littered it.

“I think you’ve broken her heart,” Ted yelled up at me. My own clothes hung loosely. This shirt had been fairly new and the ‘I heart Portland’ design drooped.

“That wasn’t my goal,” I said. Now I was even more confused. We had crossed the entire gambit of a new relationship without anything stable. Maybe The Alice, or whatever Ted implied she was back in reality, had a serious disorder. I mean, she dreamed of being a murderer in Wonderland, so that had to be a clue.

“Really, Mister Millard? More sarcasm? Now?” Ted asked while frowning.

My head shook but Ted didn’t believe me. That made two of us.

The Alice scared the ever living daylights out of me on a good day, but I never actually wanted to hurt her. I rarely wanted to hurt anyone after my initial annoyance with their existence wore off. I chose not to answer. It seemed easier than dealing with his disappointed gaze. That’s what I deserved for even thinking about other people.

A mouse scuttled along the wall towards our newly revealed passageway. Long stocky legs rushed while a huge python sized tail slunk across rocks. Its head tilted and hissed in my direction. Then it coughed and spoke in more normal terms.

“Tea!” it cried. “Pardon me, dreadfully sorry.” The creature stood up from on hind legs using the enormous tail to balance. A dusty looking suit was wrapped around its chest, and a small glowing watch shone through a pocket. “You’ll be late, and by all appearances you lot are in dire need of drinks.”

It wasn’t talking to us. The mouse ignored Ted and I to focus on the crying woman.

“Are you attending?” said the Mouse to Alice demandingly. “What thought could hold you back?”

“Sanity,” I dryly muttered.

“Quiet the wrong place for such a frail concept,” the Mouse said.

The Alice sniffed then nodded her head. Apparently she found the tea party important enough to attend. It was probably part of the nonsense rules to Wonderland. Do drugs, fall down the rabbit hole, attend a tea party, cause some deaths, and all the while question your lot in life. Maybe by the end of this someone would grow up just a little.

“He’s right you know. The first thing to go in this business is your mind. You’ve got to just go with it, especially if you’re an immortal. Embrace the madness, as your dear Alice does.”

“Why would I be immortal?” I asked, ignoring the accepting insanity portion of Ted’s speech. He couldn’t lie, and I didn’t want to put any thought into that portion yet.

His eyebrow went up in an exaggerated bout of confusion. Ted’s forehead lowered then a smile broke out. He said “if your life is constantly like what I’ve seen, you should be dead a dozen times over. And you haven’t perished yet.”

Of course, you all know. That was one of the side effects of my power. Survival was guaranteed for me. Clean clothes weren’t part of the package.

“Oh dear, well do get a move on. You’ll need a wash too. So dreadful, so dreadful. I quiet liked to listen to the caterpillar’s eloquent musings,” the white mouse said.

“Great, just what I wanted, to live forever,” I said while wiping off a rather large chunk of dead body. The glob crashed to the ground with another wet noise. I refused to actually look or figure out if it was the caterpillars face, or legs.

“Oh, we’ll be so perfect together Adam,” The Alice said, once again arriving to take my arm. Her makeup still looked a frightful mess but she seemed more natural than the distant creature of nightmare from all my prior visits. Was it the lingering drugs, my own experiences, or being close to her that changed things?

I took stock in myself once again. I was alive, failed escape from The Alice, and somehow promised to meet her back in reality. There was nothing wrong with that plan at all. Then there was Ted, he was actually getting along with her. It felt like I just did a lot of nothing, and got a lot of nowhere. Except this invite to a tea party, apparently we got one of those.

Taking mental inventory didn’t even approach the idea of being immortal. However, maybe the white mouse and Ted were onto something. Maybe I had been trying to hold on to my sanity for too long, well that didn’t actually apply. But maybe I could stop trying to escape these powers. That might be why I actually listened to Ted’s insane offer.

“So late,” the white mouse said while scampering ahead through the mushroom tree filled passageway. “Drinks are this way!” he shouted in the distance.

The Alice pulled on my arm eagerly, and even Ted looked excited to venture forth.

My own thoughts were a mile away. It had occurred to me before, that controlling my own life and being useful, but this whole news concept went deeper than that. After the very least I could record what really happened to people like Lauren and Caleb Todd. They were just two of the names I repeated myself under my breath when no one was listening. The names belonged to a set of young siblings that died in my arms. Their faces stood out in a long list.

So, whoever you are, just know that having super powers isn’t all that fan-fucking-tastic. Some of it sucks absolute ass. But hey, at least I got to crush an annoying moth and kick in a door, and cop a feel, which counts for something, right?


Oddity Study Highlights
Name: Other Reality Creation(s)

Translated from Technobabble by Captain Longhall, the sucker currently in charge of Area Fifty One

So basically, there’s this entire swath of powered people that frequently interact with ‘other realities’. Most of the time these are localized constructs that are probably closer to a dream than any sort of actual reality. So, we get lucky. They infringe on normalcy around here and we can just go slap someone awake.

Anyway, this is for whichever poor idiot has to take over my position. Inside this rather long list of files are examples of ‘hammer space’, ‘dimensional portals’, ‘other realties’, ‘bottomless bags of holding’, and ‘what the hell ever nonsense’. I’m paraphrasing here for brevity, basically if it doesn’t exist now, but suddenly exists later; it falls under ‘Other Reality’ or ether babble babble. Read it if you care. God knows I’m beyond it. I mean this shit just falls apart after whoever powered it stops doing whatever.

Anyway, Doctor Hat Man, the leading researcher in this field, insists there’s some great ether bubble out there with like, a billionty square feet in it. Like a tank everyone is pulling from. He says, and I quote ‘All dabblers who access the ether for their powers use a portion of this field’ end fucking quote. So I guess when someone creates their own little utopia of other world, then they use up like one percent of the available space. Someone makes a fireball appear from nowhere, it might use up like one eighteenth of a percent. Whatever, babble babble, see page 50, 506, and 1049 through 1055. There’s some pretty charts if you need material to help you sleep at night. Avoid Section Q unless you need to pull an all-nighter and the caffeine isn’t enough.

Fuck, got lost. I have to type up four hundred more of these damn things and finish evaluations. Right, if everyone uses the ether or makes too many Other Realities at once, the place runs out of space and starts getting all crowded, the people using up their ether segments actually but heads, wars happen. Whatever. There are actually powered people whose gifts focus on handling the ‘Other Reality’ babble babble. That Wizard Master guy actually claims to be responsible for defeating people’s demons before they break out of the ether into reality. See the ‘Mystic Minders’ division.

Right, here’s where shit gets weird. This ether space apparently is apparently refueled by the ‘imagination of living beings’ (And death, and birth, and every other god damn thought) which explains why we see the same stupid themes over and over again. Children’s tales or the latest television movie is a good example. It’s like those pop songs getting stuck in your head, only every time you sing them, some part of ether starts to form up a shape. Somewhere there’s an entire two percent decided to singing ‘Opps I did it again’. Then that shape eventually will start thinking, and then it tries to become real. Nonsense, right?

You think that until some tiny little girl pulls out a creature that only existed in your nightmares and tosses it at you. Or better yet, until you accidently fall into pure ether and it starts forming around you based on the latest episode of three television shows that don’t match.

Really powerful guys, like Doctor Hat Man, actually claim to have their own stable pocket dimensions that they have to constantly reinforce against collapsing into other headspaces. Or something. I mean really, all I know is that anyone with powers isn’t to be trusted. They show up green on the scanner, clamp em down, xcept that Adam guy. (That’s another headache for another bottle.)

Had a girl in here during my first year, she literally shit a nuke that turned out to be made in an ‘Other Reality’ by tiny little lawn elves. I can’t wait until my retirement, T minus six months and counting. Then it’s audios fuckers.
A note from FrustratedEgo

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j0nn0 @j0nn0 ago

Thanks for the chapter. I think embracing the insanity is the only viable option at this point for him.

valheru @valheru ago

Thanks for the chapter

littleshippy @littleshippy ago

i'm glad he's giving Alice a chance. god knows he should be just about as crazy as she is.

NuitBlanche @NuitBlanche ago

So fucking awesome, thanks !

Sanairb. @Sanairb. ago

Is this moving the story forward? It kind of feels like a side story that just doesnt end.