Part X The Future In-Laws

Sorry for that emotional scene. This is my story though, and that happened, so here we are.

Come to think of it, I haven’t explained my family much, have I? They were there, they were gone, but there should be a simple way to kind of fill in the details. So, if you know me, I got my mixture of sarcasm and crude outlook from the both of them. Legend has it, when I’d been young, both were in the Air Force. Imagine a military service. Then imagine government super heroes. Add them together.

Don’t misunderstand. My parents were never super heroes. They just worked with them, a lot. I had assumed that they’d called in a favor and disappeared years ago. What else should I have thought? I wasn’t quite eighteen when they vanished. I wasn’t some math whiz or an all-star athlete. I was that guy who always got C’s in class and slept when things were boring.

Anyway my parents vanished. They never came back. No police came looking for me. I’d been left utterly alone and without a clue after one of the scariest, shittiest, and worst times of my life. I’d been still reeling from the knowledge my sister got hurt, but didn’t entirely know it was my fault. THe whole Area Fifty Two testing came later.

The point is, confronting an ax wielding psychopath that shoots flames from his crotch while screaming something that violates my ear-holes, is easier than dealing with my family. But we went back inside the hero home together. I was vaguely ready to face the music and possible pointy object based murder spree.

I brought Alice to meet my parents, who were in a new room with my sister. My mom had opted for a kitchen with a large table and some holographs of the outdoors and nature sounds. Yet she still wore a maid outfit. I focused on her lack of pink but it didn’t help.

“Is this your girlfriend?” mom asked. She didn’t turn around to look at us and continued to bustle at the stove.

Alice curtsied. Mom ignored her. My eyes checked the walls for signs of nightmare distortions after the clear snub. There were none. My girlfriend cast her eyes down briefly then smiled widely. Kind of like a circus clown who needs to pretend for the children.

“Mom, this is Alice. Alice. Mom. Dad. And that’s Brittney my sister, and Cindy, her, whatever.”

Their exactly relationship escaped me. Cindy had been on the moon base working with the crystallin’s last I saw. Now she and my sister were chummy.

“Do they have names,” she whispered. “Or should I call them mom and dad?”

We weren’t exactly at that level in our relationship yet. “Cathy and Daniel.”

Alice’s face tightened in confusion. Mine rolled while waiting for the inevitable. Sure enough, a moment later, Alice nodded rapidly.

I leapt into it. “You got us. We’re an alphabet. Mom told me I have to name my kids in order. Emily and something with an F.”

“I like Francis,” mom said. “Or Frank if it’s a boy.”

“Francis is a very hip name,” I answered. “We’re going to bring back the roaring twenties starting with our daughter. Or we can give her an A name and be the triple a battered team. On account of me always being bruised and Alice always trying to kill me.”

The snark might have qualified as overboard. I kind of liked it though, except the part about having a child. People like me didn’t get children because life because my powers probably wouldn’t extend to them. Children wouldn’t survive in space. I’d sure as hell never let myself end up like that psychic I’d met months ago.

Either way, mom didn’t like it. “Don’t take that tone with me.”

“I think I’m entitled to take any tone I want at this point.”

My mom turned around at long last. She put a plastic hand on her hip and used the other to pour tea from a steaming pot into glasses. Mom came over and handed cups to both of us.

“I’m your mother,” she said.

“I’m sorry. That must be the abandonment issues rearing their ugly head.”

“Abandonment? You were eighteen. You were a grown man.”

Have you ever heard someone say something and immediately wondered who screwed their head on wrong?

“Do you even know what today’s been like for me? Or the last month? The last few years? My entire god damn life had been violently colored by a shit-storm that holds nothing sacred.”

There was Alice. Of course. My sane girlfriend stood in my side glaring at mom with me. That felt kind of nice, to be on the same team as someone while lashing out.

“Of course we,” mom started.

Of course my mom could take whatever defensive response she was about to utter and shove it up her plastic ass. I mean, that’s rude and this was my mom, but I’d also been on my own for years. I’d been forced to become independent. Not desperate and clinging to the memories of what happened before.

I imagine that people who were shipped off to fight in wars overseas, back on earth proper, felt the same way. Years of seeing the worst humanity has to offer, or struggling to save each other despite the odds, leaves scars. It did on me anyway. This was like conscripted for hell instead.

“And eighteen? Try again.” My hand waved off her next budding response. “I was seventeen. I was alone on my birthday after being abducted by aliens. Not these friendly dirt mongers in their tin cans or the crystalline pew pow puwhatevers. No. The bobble headed type that take people apart and sew them together in badly spliced bodies like we’re a build-a-human workshop.

Alice’s head turned toward me yet again. She hadn’t heard about all this. I’d never really shared. Today had been full of fun revelations for both of us.

“I could have used any friendly voice after that. But I had nothing. No note. No pizza money or credit cards to get food. I’d lost my job the month before when their building blew up. Hell, I the job I have now is more about watching my life be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I’m superhero reality television. The kind no one wants to be a guest star on! That’s what you left behind. A god dammed super powered joke.”

My voice shook. Both hands clenched. Whatever expressions my family wore were blurred by a layer of water. I wanted to keep venting but couldn’t trust myself to steadily.

“We thought that had all been taken care of,” my mother said. “Your sister’s legs were damaged. We went out to the old space station where they’d cure it. A day later we were called to action with barely enough time to arrange someone to check the house.”

“Well they did a good job,” I said. Whoever this “someone” was, failed big time.

My dad, Daniel, coughed then smiled. He was about to change the damn subject and I would let him. I always did. “That station used to be right here until some idiots decided to level the place.”

“The old base was a mess,” Cathy said. She bent over a stove that didn’t fit in with the grassy hill and tree setting being projected around us. I sniffed and wiped at my face to clear the mess. Mom was cooking dinner.

I’ll say it again in case you don’t understand. Mom was cooking dinner.

“It had style,” dad said then banged the table. He’d be proud that he’d deflected an argument by bringing up some story. He always was full of himself and I used to hear him and mom talking through the heating vents about how they’d avoided an argument.

What’s worse, he’d somehow slipped into a new form. The body was a lot of my moms, plastic and artificial. He wore a suit and bowtie that had to be made of the same fabric as mom’s clothes. I’d started to realize that they probably didn’t have bodies anymore, at least, not normal ones. You’d think I’d be used to this sort of thing, having been around aliens, possessed by demons, and dating a fragmented personality. Or two, depending on how you looked at it..

But this was my parents and mom was cooking dinner. Part of me knew they had their own problems, clearly. But dammit. Okay. I’ll try repeat how off-putting this whole scene was again. I know you’re tired of it. Back to the conversation.

“Oh sure, lots of style,” mom said dryly.

“I served two years there.” He pointed through a wall. “Near Mare Australe.”

“You were a glorified janitor. Hardly what I’d call award winning work.”

Dad shook his head at me. His weird plastic skin tightened in a wrinkle around his nose. “They couldn’t trust robots back then. Some scientists in the eighties had hacked into them. Set them into what he called windmill mode. Arms flailing everywhere.”

“They didn’t like stuff they couldn’t control.” Mom stared up at the ceiling, which looked a lot like a late afternoon sun with the holographic overlay. Her head shook. “Robotic personalities were one of them. Poor Hal. We had to shut him down. And here we are. Like this. If that isn’t ironic I don’t know what is.”

“General Beehive would have a fit," dad said. “Thank god he died.”

My sister sat in a wheelchair nearby. Her horse was nowhere to be seen. She said nothing and sipped tea. I would not have pegged my sister for a tea drinker. Next to her was Cindy, with a cup of tea that remained untouched.

Dad brought over chairs then sat back down next to the girls. Alice sat down and stared at her tea. She glanced at Cindy then scooted her chair away a few inches, then further. My stomach settled a little bit. Not enough to be happy, but enough to sit down near my girlfriend. Mom brought over grilled cheese sandwiches for both of us.

I stared at the food. Nothing said childhood like mom cooking for you. She’d even burnt it slightly. It also served as a peace offering after my earlier rant. To be clear, I didn’t want to be pissed at my family. It was impossible not to be.

“So, pregnant yet?” mom asked Alice.

My eyes went wide and all that calm I’d been trying to cultivate shattered.

Mom glanced at me then back to my girlfriend then waved a dish towel in our direction. “What? I’ve seen the videos. You’ve clearly tapped that well. Over and over. You take after your dad.”

“Jesus Cathy,” dad said while rolling his eyes.

Brittney maintained silence.

Alice blushed and one hand twitched. I felt certain she was fighting back the urge to stab someone. Probably me. I’d take the stabbing if it ended this entire conversation. Instead, I concentrated on the melted cheese while mom defended herself against dad’s chastising.

“Well. We’ve been back a week now, and that’s more than enough time to roam every video on this site of his, plus the hidden material.”

“There’s hidden material?” I mumbled around the sandwich.

“And it’s clear that Alice and he have a healthy relationship. Since your daughter isn’t likely to find a man anytime soon, it’s up to him to keep the Millard’s going.”

Cindy’s gaze locked onto her tea. My sister kept sipping quietly. I didn’t know what to make of it but clearly there were more issues going on than I was aware of, or than I honestly cared to know. Not that anything would stop mom. I glanced around for an invasion from some extra dimensional invaders asking for signatures on some cosmic ballot having to do with the atomic weight of pie and why such calculations should be banned, but none showed up.

“Jesus Cathy,” dad repeated in the same tone. “We should give him a day to get used to this. You know life’s been rough on him too.”

“Well I’m concerned, and based on what I saw, I won’t have another chance to bring it up anytime soon. I want our kids to have kids. The Millards will conquer the entire alphabet one letter at a time!”

“That’s a great idea. Can’t go wrong,” I said. Alice’s head turned sharply to me and I felt like I’d done something wrong. I mean, clearly, I had, which was to open my mouth and use sarcasm when referring to our possible offspring.

Brittney set her cup down and said, “I don’t get time to have relationships. You and dad badger me about homework. There’s a war going on, and you’re both basically cyborgs who would outlive any children I have. Why should I bother to continue some legacy? I’ll go back to Zork and see how you like the chances of us having a baby.”

Mom ignored Brittney and leaned closer to Alice with a smile. “Listen. I’ll tell you a secret. If you want a boy, when you’re done, make sure your hips tilt up. Then eat lots of oranges for the next two weeks. That worked for-“

My mind fried itself for the umpteenth time. I spit sandwich and waved violently. Crumbs went everywhere. “No. No, no, no. All the words that were about to come out of your mouth need to never be spoken.” My face heated. This was beyond too much. “Find a time machine. No! I’ll find one. Give me like a week and we can go back and never, never have this conversation. Jesus.”

“What? It’s an old family tradition. It worked for me, your grandmother,” mom went through the family tree person by person.

I focused on my girlfriend. “Alice. Ignore her.”

“Hips up?” Alice asked. “What gives us triplets?” A strand of hair flickered black while Alice smiled. I gave up, leaned over the table, and slowly banged my head onto it’s dull surface. She wanted a huge family with a million children. She’d probably want to conquer the alphabet and anything beyond Zebra. How would that even work?

They talked. I drowned it out. Dad chuckled. Brittney took a long sip of her tea then turned to me.

“They may look like large toys, but they haven’t changed,” my sister said.

“Excuse me,” mom protested.

“We’re still your parents,” dad followed up.

I wanted to be happy. I wanted to care about building a family. Both were impossible. Hell, I didn’t even know if Alice believed in birth control. She’d never shown a sign and it hadn’t even occurred to me until now. Could crazy split personality fragments with reality altering powers get pregnant? If she couldn’t before, she might be able to now.

They kept talking. I swallowed my anger and pretended that this was completely normal. The rest of the sandwich didn’t taste as good but mostly because Alice kept mumbling “hips up” and “oranges” while nodding.

“And this must be Flux,” mom said.

I pulled my head out of my ass briefly and came up for air. Flux spun a circle around the room scanning everyone with his red camera eyeball of disappointment. At least, it seemed disappointed until Flux laid his eye on Cathy.

Flux beeped a few times. Mom smiled but kept cleaning the dishes.

“That’s my wife you’re talking about,” dad said.

Flux beeped in what might have been a long low whistle. The green beam that Flux used to copy objects scanned over mom. The little robot might have been replacing page fifteen of his mechanics magazine. Would dad know? I held my breath and couldn’t decide if dad punching Flux would be worth the possible fallout or not.

“Watch your mouth,” dad responded.

“He speaks robot now,” Brittney whispered. “Remember how he used to yell at us in Spanish? It’s like that, only all beeps and whirs.”

The fact that mom hadn’t defended herself against whatever Flux beeped almost worried me.

“Does mom?”

“Probably. They have super hearing and other stuff too. It’s a total nightmare. They’re like, parental unit two point ohs now.”

That would be horrifying. I wondered briefly which of us had the worse deal. Sure, I’d been yanked around, literally shit on by psychotic super powered villains, and been forced into a head butting competition with a telepathic goat, but I had gotten away from our parents. Now if that reversal in how I regarded my parents doesn’t make your head spin, nothing will. Family is a god damn mess.

Flux beeped some more. Dad shook his head. The scenic background flickered and Flux’s eye went to that blue death glare for a moment. Then he spun around acting confused and beeped some more.

Cathy came over and gave dad a peck on the lips and smiled.

Dad shook his head. “Should I be offended? Flux just said he admires the work that went into your leg motors. I’m not even sure if that’s offensive or not. Being like this is weird sometimes.”

They mumbled back and forth while I tuned out. Maybe all my bitching didn’t have as much validity as I’d thought. My parents had different lives then they expected. I doubt they got married and thought “let’s have two kids then become cyborg peoples to fight in an interplanetary war against mole peoples”. I mean, if they did, then life goal achieved. Feel free to clap.

Back to important questions, “What’d Flux say the first time?” I asked.

Dad grumbled but didn’t answer. Not knowing sounded healthier for me anyway. Whatever Flux had said probably equated to robot for “nice ass” and I decided not to be involved with the rest of this. At all.

“Don’t worry. Flux couldn’t handle me the way you do,” mom said, sitting down on dad’s lap.

I gagged a bit and turned. Alice took my head and seemed to have certain ill-timed goals in mind. She said, “Let’s go right now. We can confirm it’s a boy in, three weeks.”

I coughed dryly then chugged my cooled tea. It didn’t help. Both eyes watered and Alice tugged on my other arm.

“Agents Millard and Millard.” A brutish sounding woman said over the intercom.

My dad stopped snuggling awkwardly and sighed. “Lady Alexandria, how can we help?”

“I am requesting your first born be relieved from social pleasantries to come take care of his charges. Preferably before I am forced to deliver unto them an undesired reckoning.”

“That’s Alexandria speak for come get these guys before I hit them,” Brittney said.

“You can hit them,” I shouted abruptly. “Just don’t leave bruises!”

I don’t advocate abuse. The students weren’t children. My parents weren’t Agents either, and Lady Alexandria might not be a Lady. Such was life.

“Go get your wannabes,” dad said.

“Whoever put you in charge of teaching super heroes must have their head screwed on backwards,” mom said.

“That’s Walker for you. But I teach a class!”

“We know,” my parents said in unison. They both tittered then went back to being all gross and affectionate.

Off I fled. Alice stayed behind. I assume she wanted to talk to mom about whatever it is girlfriends and mothers talk about. Triplets, probably.

I grumbled while walking down the hallways and got lost a few seconds later. Then I paused, debated pressing a red button along the wall that probably would vent me into space and decided to keep walking. Someone would find me eventually. Something would happen. Whatever came next would be miles better than dealing with my own emotions.

Cindy found me. Her dead gaze and pale features contained none of the life that Alice’s did. Get that, both pale. One alive and way too excited. The other limp to existence. If that’s a possible way to define people.

“Why you?”

“You’re loud.” Cindy’s features stayed flat.

“And annoyed. And frustrated. And totally willing to talk to you.” I sounded like my mom. That’s who it was. I got the sarcastic trait from her.

“You’re update. Your dad’s a phone.”

“My dad’s not a phone!” I shouted. “And you’re one to talk! You’re the walking dead. Dead to life because I was stupid enough to drag a corpse through whatever the hell that was. Then get chased by a drunken unicorn eating fucking roses.”

I could have wound my way back to the button that might vent us into space. Pressing it would have helped exist the next awkward conversation. Instead I saw a port to the outside. There stood the damn black unicorn. It’s bloodshot eye glared into the space station at me. It’s head shook and I felt pretty sure it was laughing at me.

“It’s not a unicorn. It’s an abstract. Like your girlfriend.”

“Alice isn’t abstract.” That’s a lie by the way. I knew then.

Cindy almost laughed. I say almost because she didn’t laugh, but I got the impression she wanted to. Her features were deadpan. The black unicorn standing outside the view hole however, staggered around while shaking it’s head violently. If they were linked, then the unicorn was laughing his huge equestrian balls off while Cindy stared.

“You still have sex with her?” Cindy asked.

I rolled my eyes and wished for a superpower that let me send other people into black holes. It didn’t happen.

Cindy kept going, “You know what she is right?”

“I don’t want to know,” I answered while flailing my arms. Remember during our last story where I’d suspected Alice, and The Alice, might be linked to something else? It’s hard to explain. Kind of a gut feeling but I didn’t want to know the truth. We had a good relationship. She couldn’t die by being around me. The Alice wanted me. Regular Alice needed me.

Cindy’s expression was equally dead. It was like she could read my mind, which maybe Cindy could. I immediately tried to think of something shocking, like a woolly mammoth’s penis. The dead woman shook her head slowly and said, “That’s so fucked up.”

For some reason, her judgment set me off.

“Says the dead woman riding a drunk as fuck unicorn.” I liked to throw that in her face. It’s all I really knew. “You remember how we met? You remember being overdosed out of your mind and thinking I was Arabic? Calling me Aladdin? Do I look like I have a fucking genie? Let me just, bend over here, and pull the lamp out of my ass.” I’d wish for so many things. Oh how I’d wish. “Then we can both be happy forever!”

Cindy’s face showed some god dammed emotion for half a second then she stuttered, “I-“

“Have no room to offer judgment on what I chose to do with my life. If I want to boink Alice into next week just to have a moment of happiness in my life, I’ll do it. If it makes her happy, I’ll do it twice. She’s the one person who actually needs me. Not like my sister, who cares more about Flux’s ability to copy shit, or my mom and her grandkids. Not Lady Alexandria who needs a whatever of Chaos.”

Technically she hadn’t called me a “whatever of chaos”. Technically my mom had mentioned stuff besides kids. Or maybe she had shown herself to be flawed and human by not knowing how to relate to an angry child.

“Alice, whatever she is, likes me. She can survive being around me. She can keep up with me. That’s rare. I have her. I have Flux. And that’s amazing.” For months I’d had both of them as solid fixtures in my life. The longest standing one’s ever. Ted and the rest of Hero Watch didn’t count since they’d mostly cut contact. Jade was my lawyer. Nice, well meaning, and dirty minded, but still a lawyer.

“You’d be dead if it wasn’t for her. You’d have overdosed in that hotel. So maybe instead of being disgusted at whatever she is, be thankful she put me on the path to help you.”

She said nothing. That didn’t stop dead eyes from staring at me like I was less than a bug on a windshield of life.

On I went, back to the important task. “Which way to Alexandria!”

Cindy pointed down the hall to a wide open door. There stood Leticia. Looking at red and frozen faced. Sure she could leap into action and punch someone, but get caught eves dropping on someone else’s personal drama and the girl apparently froze up.

Turned out we were like ten feet away from the door to where Lady Alexandria had been watching over the teen hero squad. O closed my eyes briefly, didn’t feel a black hole, and nodded. That figures right? The one time I’d pray for something to intercede, you know, to avoid drama, and nothing. Just fucking nothing.

I tried to remember the whole point for this stupid journey. You know the evil race’s dark plot to take out our dear precious Earth by mumble mumble science and crashing the moon into the Earth to make more mole people real estate.

My students were in a much bigger room staring at one of those top down holographic projection screens. The Earth was on one side with blue trees and water and pretty spinning lines denoting the moon’s path. On the other side was another larger planet with three spinning moons that, if the scale were to be believed, smaller than our own moon. I’m no expert on gravity, but this looked like a mess waiting to happen.

“You’re arrival was delayed,” Lady Alexandria stated. Her crossed arms could crush my head like a walnut. “We’ve been discussing battle plans. Our forces are limited due to other ongoing battles.”

She gestured to a side screen which had Crystalline faces on it.

“Then why are you fighting this one?” I asked the giantess. “You’d think we should have more than this, for a war.”

“My marriage partner stated I must resolve this problem before he is willing to engage in coitus.”

The boys snickered. The girls did whatever it is girls do when they find naughty stuff amusing. Pretended to be bashful or that it didn’t happened or face palm. Whatever.

“So, since the war is here, you’ve got to, what?”

“Stop them from crashing the moon into the earth.”

“Again,” I said flatly. “For like the forth time this year.”

“Indeed,” Lady Alexandria said. “Then push them back.”

“And you want to use my parents and I, and these kids, and the Crystallines to do that.”

She nodded. “Those are our forces.”

Here’s a good spot to mention that real estate gets weird. In a world, or universe really, where people can raise islands and sink them in a day, the market shifts rapidly. Take California for example. Beautiful coastline, when it’s not being reworked by a real-estate mogul. There’s a literal street-gang based out of the Bay Area who recruits powered people that can alter coastlines. Of course, there’s also a group dedicated to stopping any earthen alterations as it messes with their grandma’s retirement homes. This is the West Coast Moves and Coastal Pride.

So, mole people wanting to crash stuff into the Earth, not that strange. The hard to believe part is that they were coordinated enough to team up with another race. Which confused me, a ton. They hated everyone, including each other.

“So are mole people really aliens? I mean normal races don’t have space ships.” I shook my head and studied the other side of the board. That planet didn’t ring any bells, and I’d been on a lot over the years.

“Well. No. They’re a side effect of quantum fields related to ether bubbles surrounding all inhabited,” Clint’s words died off as I stared blankly. Whatever he’d been about to say probably had at least ten five syllable words that would lose me, my audience on Hero Watch, and might get him stabbed by Alice. “It’s pretty interesting,” he mumbled.

Lady Alexandria loomed over everyone with her beefy head sized biceps. They flexed at seemingly random intervals. “They are working with the Shadow Lords. They’ve a a base where they’re launching attacks from.”

She pointed to the other side with the three small moons.

“And you need me to, exist out here until something bad happens to them?”

“No. We need you to go to the Shadow Lord’s planet,” the helpful display glowed brightly, “and exist there, until something unfortunate happens.”

That could be anything. I could exist there and suddenly Ham Star the Brown Black whatever might pop in and take a dump.

I summed it up to the best of my knowledge, “You want to take the war to them, in some way they won’t expect it.”

“Indeed. That is your role. While doing that, the Horse Warriors will sneak in with a copied version of the Mother Ship’s drive core and activate it. Here.” One of the moons lit up. “This mimics what they want to do to our moon, but doesn’t require destroying a Mother Ship to do so.”

So they did have use for Flux’s abilities. I didn’t have the heart to explain the fault in this plan, that using Flux to copy anything long term would almost always be impossible.

Do you understand what this plan boiled down to? Here, this is how I phrased it. “Our solution to mole people trying to crash the moon into our planet, is to crash another moon into their planet.”

“Correct,” Lady Alexandria said.

“So, we’re using moons instead of nukes in this racial war. And we have these guys on a field trip.”

I hadn’t forgotten the five students were standing nearby. Guess who stood in between WhiteWash and Midnight. Go on, guess. Everyone nodded. They were clearly so proud that I’d started to make sense of this nightmare. Keep in mind that it’s only been a few days since the gas station stabbing.

“Brilliant. This can’t possible go wrong,” I said.

“A good general prepares for eventualities,” Lady Alexandria said. “But you are a terrible general.”

Of course I was terrible.

My hands went up in defeat. “There’s no use planning with me. Or even me being here! You would have been better putting the van into drive and pointing me at their portals. Then you could pray I hit the surface before shit starts happening.

“We’re going with you.” Leticia said. "All of us."

“That’s stupid,” I responded. Nevermind that she was willing to travel with the other two and their weird magical merger powers of personality loss. Whatever.

She kept on going, “We have powers. We’ve trained for this.”

“I’m your teacher for Defense Against the Stupids.”

“Defense Against Stupidity,” Leticia corrected.

I smiled, shook my head, then golf clapped.

“And you joining me, sounds like stupidity. Stupids.”

As you may have guessed, they were going to join me anyway. That makes me a shitty teacher. Or maybe, just maybe, Walker had known what would happen.

Oddity Study Highlights

Name: Powers as a Contagion

Translated from Technobabble by Captain Longhall, the sucker currently in charge of Area 51

Look. You get a boonie place like Alaska, add a super hero, shake, wait a month, and bam, some villain will show up. Then more. Then more. Then eventually something comes allong and culls a swath of them. Remember those monkeys writing Shakespeare and high level science studies? They keep crapping out stuff.

This one shows a curve in which one powered event leads to more and they build until critical mass. It happens again, and again, and again. Mostly in select areas. Major cities go through about a five year cycle where heroes and villains do stuff then get culled.

So, are powers a disease? Probably, but I’m not stupid enough to tell the upper brass that. I smile nod, drink my bottle of Jack, and pretend we’ve got it all under control.

We do, I mean the answer, if this math holds true, is to pile powered people together whenever the problem gets out of hand. We’re lucky they already form teams on their own. It’s almost like they want this event to happen. Maybe they do. Maybe the monkey’s will give me a new report that says “Powered people are self destructing” and I”ll get some horrifying map of the world showing where it’s happened. Then it’ll turn out there’s only like fifteen percent left untouched and the week after I’ll find heroes popping up there. Then I’ll know, only five years left until everywhere in the world has been hit and it’s time to watch the planet implode as the fifth seal of hell unlocks.

Joke’s on them. I’ve got the fifth seal locked away somewhere. I think. Probably next to the emergency Jack.

A note from FrustratedEgo

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resusplus @resusplus ago

i love the flavor text at the end the sacrastic scientist? is just so fun

JonSnoooow @JonSnoooow ago

Agreed end text is fucking brilliant.

Thanks for the Chapter!

Rhia_reader @Rhia_reader ago

...Translated from Technobabble by Captain Longhall, the sucker currently in charge of Area 51...

I love anything this guy writes! He's got a wonderful jaded wit that's both amusing and engrossing