Reincarnated into Two Bodies

Reincarnated into Two Bodies

by Zinless

After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?!

Reincarnated as both a commoner boy and a young noble lady, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although our protagonist just wants to live peacefully, misunderstandings left by their own actions will change the world as they know it. Will they achieve the peaceful life they sought?

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Also available on ScribbleHub :

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/510651/reincarnated-into-two-bodies/

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Zinless

Zinless

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mightykk
Overall

There are no bad ideas, only bad implementations

Reviewed at: Chapter 7 : Fated meeting

Writing! The grammar and prose are acceptable, but there are other ways to fail.

The story has an interesting hook (getting re-incarnated into 2 bodies), and is interesting enough to 'hook' me, to try this story.

However, the writing contains multiple blunders and as a result, fails to hold attention. By chapter 4 I was about to drop this. By chapter 6 I stopped reading in frustration and started on this review although there are 16 chapters at this time.

If the story is ever re-written, I hope the following opinions are taken as constructive criticism and help the author. 
- Readers' attention span is limited, and spending 4-6 chapters on coordination problems is definitely not the way to go. Since it seems the MC figures out coordination without any hassle by chapter 7, this is not bringing anything to the story except making readers wade thru filler.
- The first few chapters are very important. There are several tasks to be done such as, launching the story, world-building, and introducing the main and primary supporting characters. This is all impacted by the momentum-sapping coordination problems.
- Name the characters well. Bad naming, burdens readers. If you have 2 characters I don't recommend giving them almost identical names -- Feyt vs Fait.
- Carine's burger discussion with the Chef - As of chapter 6, you are showing the MC's life, almost moment to moment. Then a throwaway line is added where we are told about a discussion with the Chef. This is disruptive to the flow as readers inevitably wonder when this could have happened.
- PoV changes and speech without attribution are also bad, especially in groups of more than 2 people.

"Where are they?"

"Well sir, they're here..."

?! <--- Should be replaced with descriptive text

I immediately pulled my sword and parried the sword swing aimed at the back of my head.

"You?! What is the meaning of this?!"

"Your [Spatial Awareness] is really annoying old man!"

 

In other words, if this is re-written, I recommend dumping the coordination problem.

Just have the MC in proper control of both bodies from day 1. In chapter 1 let Carine have the discussion with the Chef and let Feyt get to his soup. In chapter 2 let Carine be told to go to the village and Feyt start working on the field. As they are both outdoors, they can get kidnapped by the bandits by the end of chapter 2. 

With the combination of the interesting hook and starting the story, I think you will see much more reader interest!