- Traumatising content
Alexander Kent has many things going for him, but despite all his wonderful qualities, he still finds himself the target of bullies. The harshest of his many critics is the one who worries him the most: his father.
A near-tragic accident renders Alex incapacitated. As he hangs on death’s door, he’s visited by the unlikeliest of beings: a demon. Their unfathomable exchange becomes even more troubling when he’s offered a second chance at life… in exchange for use of his body by the devil himself.
Alex’s deal with the devil leads him into a hidden supernatural world, rife with mystery, danger, and a convoluted web of the worst the underworld has to offer. Now, he has no memory of his ill-fated deal and is desperate to break free of the hold the Demon King and his minions have on him, but escaping their clutches may prove to be more difficult than any battle he’s ever faced.
(Author's note: I've had writers block on this for a while but recently hired a professional editor. I don't think it will be much longer before I have new chapters. A cover is also in discussion. I won't just drop it. Thanks to Papillion for the cover!!!)
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Hello. I saw your thread for assistance, and thought I could help, so here I am. I’m not very experienced in battle scenes or character depth, but I think I at least have some skill in dialogue. Please keep in mind that I am not an expert adviser, I’m just someone who talks too much.
The thing about dialogue is that you don’t want to tell your reader what your character is doing, but you want to show it.
I don’t think dialogue has to be just talking. You can just add sound effects or have your character make noises, and even then it would give your character more life.
For example (all examples used are from Chapter 1),
one paragraph said, “He was moving fast, and had to slow down quickly, his tires screeching in protest as he slid sideways to try and stop. He clenched his teeth in frustration. He hated waiting, which was one of the reasons he loved his motorcycle. He could usually zip right around slow cars. Yet, today there wasn’t enough room on the right to pass since there was a ditch, and incoming cars in the other lane.”
Instead of “He clenched his teeth in frustration” you could have put the sound of him clenching his teeth, or have him complain about it.
If it were up to me, I would probably change it like so,
He was moving fast, and had to slow down quickly, his tires screeching in protest as he slid sideways to try and stop.
“Ugh… I have to wait?” he said in frustration. He hated waiting, which was one of the reasons he loved his motorcycle. He could usually zip right around slow cars. Yet, today there wasn’t enough room on the right to pass since there was a ditch, and incoming cars in the other lane.
Also, sometimes you don’t want to make dialogue too long, but break it into parts. You can do this by having the character interrupt by asking random questions, or using actions.
“You better make sure this fiasco is kept out of the news. I don’t need this mess plastered all over the papers and TV. Who’s in charge here? I want to speak to the doctor in charge of my son and find out how long I have to keep him in this place. The sooner he is out of here, the sooner I can stop shelling out money to take care of him.”
I would change this to,
“You better make sure this fiasco is kept out of the news. I don’t need this mess plastered all over the papers and TV.”
“Sir-” the nurse interjected.
“-Who’s in charge here? I want to speak to the doctor in charge of my son and find out how long I have to keep him in this place. The sooner he is out of here, the sooner I can stop shelling out money to take care of him.”
“Please sir,” said the nurse. “Keep your voice, down or you’ll aggravate the patients.”
Also, like I said earlier, show rather than tell.
“It was probably sent by the teacher, though his classmates had signed the card. The nurses kept giving him pitying glances, and talking about him behind their hands. He knew it was him they were talking about, because they would keep looking at him as they talked.”
In this example, you could try giving us some samples of what the nurses were saying, such as:
It was probably sent by the teacher, though his classmates had signed the card.
“Poor kid. ” the nurse said as she cast a pitying glance at him.
“I know right? He’s had almost no visitors other than his father, and that was only on the first day!” the other nurse added. He knew it was him they were talking about, because they would keep looking at him as they talked.
You should also think about your characters emotions, traits, etc when you have them speak. I’m sure that as the author, you know your characters best so I won’t say too much about this. If you were hard-core and really wanted to improve your dialogue, I’d say watch a bunch of movies or something, but I understand that that’s a little bit extreme.
And that was most of what I had to say about the dialogue.
P.S. Your story is good. Keep it up.
Edit: On the latest chapter I can see that you put in a lot of dialogue, which is awesome. Sorry if this didn't help you that much or if you've heard it before already.
Remind me of a manga…or light novel…in a good way. I like those.
The MC gains some weird power, he himself is special for some reason, he gets some friends that will get involved in the shitstorm at some point and all the shit seems to gather near where he lives, this kind of story.
Me like a lot…
I'm not going to re-cap what the summary already says but I will say that the story is moving along nicely and I'm enjoying reading it.
I really like it , this ff is really well writen just can't wit for more
A lot of mysteries surround our MC and his partner Zeltis who takes control of his body and hunt the demons behind the shadow of mankind. Is Zeltis a good guy or bad guy? Come and find out.
I know what you're going to think after reding this review, "I hate this guy".
But being honest, the story is a bit original and sometimes you see some original idea, what is good in some way.
The grammar need improvement, but nothing you can't fix.
The style will like some people and some won't like it.
I have my own thoughts about the MC, but I fear that if I write it here, I would get some warnings.
“We are all racists by nature and equal before God’s eyes”
-The drunk Aonte in a party without a dance partner.