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A note from Kos

I should probably start doing a schedule for these things.  Let's call it Saturday Morning at 0:30 AM PST.  Enjoy!

Anna and I arrived early in Celestea. We waited at a cafe that Phylis ran. I engaged in conversation with the chef as I dipped a spoon into a banana split. “I didn’t know you had a restaurant in town.”

Phylis gave me a knowing smile. “It’s technically not a restaurant. Culinarians come here to learn recipes and do quests. I also give quests to the occasional adventurer.”

“Why do I have to eat down here?” Anna whined from a bowl of ice cream that had been placed on the floor for her.

“Well, I just thought…” Phylis began before thinking better of it. “On second thought, why don’t I get the two of you a table.”

I picked up my bowl from the counter and followed Phylis over to a table.

 

JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE

 

We all looked back, expecting some first-time full-dive players. After a moment of confusion, a smile flashed across my face. Theresa walked over wearing her Lane masque and I greeted her. “Hey, babe. Come on over. You have to try this.”

The elf flashed me a smile and scooted in beside me. Anna looked up and flicked her tongue but said nothing and went back to her ice cream.

Picking up my spoon and stealing a bite of my ice cream, Theresa asked, “Who were you expecting?”

I frowned at her. “What do you mean?”

Theresa wrinkled her nose and pouted at me. “You were disappointed when I walked in. Who did you think I was?”

“I wasn’t disappointed!” I said quickly, scrambling to find the right words. “It’s just that I thought you were the Ranker. They asked to meet me here.”

Theresa frowned, eating that last of my banana. “What’s so special about that?”

I waved at Phylis, pointing to my now empty bowl as I explained things to Theresa. “It’s their first day in full dive. They are going to see this world for the first time. I mean really see it.”

The smile that I loved so much found its way back onto her face. “Oh! Right. I should go get ready. That will be a great addition to the live stream. People will want to see their raw reaction live.”

I opened my mouth to answer and she shoved a spoon full of ice cream in my mouth and kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll see you later, babe.”

Anna gave me a curious look while I was chuckling at Theresa for calling me babe. “The two of you are kissing now?”

I thanked Phylis as she replaced the dessert that Theresa ate. Anna was still staring at me, making me worry that she still had a problem with Theresa. “Is it a problem that she kissed me?”

Anna tilted her head to the side, not saying anything. Then she made a show of loudly slurping the rest of her ice cream. Once she finished and had no excuse for not replying, she shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess not. Just don’t forget, I’m family too!”

I smiled at the tiny dragonling. “You’ll always be my little sister.”

 

JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE

 

We turned to watch Ranker and Syren stumbled into the room. Judging by the grimace on their faces, something was wrong. I rushed over to them and asked, “What is it?”

“Toilet!” Ranker groaned in a voice that sounded strangely different. “What the hell is going on? Why do I have to take a mudslide? Wait, why did I say that?”

Syren, standing next to him, tried desperately not to laugh as she clutched at her stomach. “Stop it! Don’t make me laugh. Quick, Kendra. Bathroom. Now! I’m going to have an accident.”

“They don’t have one in here,” I explained as I got up and headed to the door. “Follow me. There’s one close by.”

I tried to run them the few blocks to the public restrooms that seemed to be littered through Celestea but had to stop frequently. After the third stop, Syren doubled over against a wall. “I don’t think I’m going to make it.”

Anna flew over to her and chirped. “If you have to go, just go. There is an auto-clean feature. It will be gone before you know it.”

“I could never do that!” Syren screamed, swiping at the dragonling.

A feet ahead, Ranker stopped and squatted, a huge grin appearing on his face. “It’s easier than you think, honey.”

Syren grimaced and started waddling down the block again with a pained look on her face. “Not funny!”

A few minutes later she made it. She looked at the door and asked, “Which ones the lady’s room?”

I shrugged and pointed at the door. “I don’t think they have men’s and women’s. So far only a few people even need them outside of cast members.”

Syren didn’t bother to reply as she rushed into the restroom. A few minutes later, Ranker showed up with a smug look on his face. “I think I’m going to like this auto-clean thing. It didn’t even stink.”

I laughed and explained. “That’s because bad smells don’t exist in Tierra.”

“Good to know.” He laughed, giving me a thumbs up.

A few minutes later a satisfied-looking Syren emerged from the restroom. She marched over to Ranker and kissed the paladin. Then, with a coy look on her face, she whispered something in his ear.

Ranker nodded enthusiastically and took her by the hand, leading her back into the restroom. It didn’t take long to figure out what they were up to. Syren began to moan and I quickly turned to Anna who seemed to turn a deeper shade of red. “Don’t listen to that! You don’t need to know what they are doing.”

The dragonling rolled her eyes and laughed. “I know all about that! I told you I watched the videos, didn’t I?”

Before I could reply two more people appeared in front of us. I smiled and waved at them. “Hi, Tygris and James. Welcome to full dive.”

Tygris waved me off. “Toilet! Now! What the hell?”

“Behind you.” I pointed at the closed door to the restroom.

She turned to open it only to be bumped out of the way by James. Not giving up, the healer hip-checked the ranger and rushed in ahead of him.

Everything was silent for a moment. Even Syren’s moans had died down. Then a blood-curdling scream came from the restroom accompanied by Ranker shouting. “Get out! Both of you!”

James came barreling out while Tygris stood her ground. “I can’t! I have to poot and you two need to get off of that toilet right now or so help me, I’ll, um, sit on you both!”

There was a shuffling sound followed by Syren screaming again. “Wait! Tygris. At least wait for us to…Ranker, don’t look! What’s wrong with you.”

They burst out of the door as Ranker replied. “I didn’t look. Give me a break! I didn’t know she was going to drop trow right there.”

James shouted at the door. “Hurry, Tygris. I can’t hold it!”

Ranker smirked at the kid and said, “Just go in your pants, bro. The game cleans it right up. No smells too.”

“Oh,” James muttered before getting a serious look on his face.

“Gross.” Syren groaned, rolling her eyes. “Boys are disgusting. Right, Kendra?”

I didn’t have an answer for her, so I just laughed along. We waited patiently for several minutes while Syren did her business. When she finally emerged, she said, “They don’t have any toilet paper in there or soap.”

“It’s okay,” I reassured her. “The game auto-cleans you on both ends.”

Tygris blushed and whispered, “Oh.”

Ranker folded his arms and asked the question on everybody’s minds. “Why the hell is that feature even in a video game?”

I shrugged, trying to think back to Aya’s explanation. “Someone told me it has to do with the way full dive is set up. The game makes you have to go in here so that your body will know what to do in the tank.”

“Wait just a second.” Syren shrieked. “Are you saying I just took a dump in that goop in the tank?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, I never checked.”

“What do you mean?” Ranker asked, raising his eyebrows. “You’ve had your tank for a while, right? Did you never see it floating in there?”

Coming up with a lie to cover the fact that I was in a coma, I replied, “Actually, I have a custom kit, so I’m not sure how yours works. If you want to log out, you can check.”

Syren shook her head. “Actually, we can’t. You have to be in a certain stage of sleep to log in. It would probably take at least an hour to log back in if we log out.”

“Oh,” I replied again, realizing my story was falling apart.

“Anyway.” Tygris cut in, eager to change the subject. “Now that we got that crap out of the way, what should we do first?”

“That’s right!” I squealed, remembering what I wanted to show everyone. “Let’s go back to the diner. I want to show you something.”

 


 

We all squeezed into a booth together at Phylis’s place. Tygris elbowed Syren and asked, “Were you two really doing it in there? I noticed that my, um, downstairs is real in this game. Does it actually, um, function?”

“It sure does!” Ranker announced triumphantly. “In fact, we were oof…”

It was Syren’s turn to elbow Ranker. “Ahem. Yes, it does work. Oh, and you interrupted us so I don’t know if we can, uh, finish in here. So thanks for that.”

Tygris stuck her tongue out at the bard. “Hey! I was having an emergency. You can’t hold it against me that you chose the only toilet to do it on.”

“It’s not like there are hotels all over the place,” Ranker whined. “Err, well, Kendra, are there hotels in Celestea? Man, this game might just be getting a whole lot more interesting if there are.”

“Hey!” James cried out in shock as he pulled the front of his pants open under the table. “It’s missing. My dongle. I mean my dongle. Wait, why can’t I say dongle.”

“Language filter,” I replied, laughing at the changed word.

A huge grin spread over Ranker’s face as he started talking. “Holy mudslide. I can’t porking believe this god dinged language filter. I wonder what other words get blocked.”

“Language!” Syren screamed at her husband in mock outrage.

James snorted at Ranker before turning his attention back to me. “That still doesn’t help me. It’s missing. I can’t do any of that fun stuff if it’s missing.”

I sighed, making my best guess. “It’s probably a child safety lock thing. You know, so you won’t engage in any nefarious activities with it while underage.”

“How do I go to the bathroom then?” He cried, glaring at me.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It’s not like you had a problem when you first got here.”

“Oh.” He replied, at a loss for words.

Just then Phylis turned up. “Hello, folks. New to full dive, I see. Allow me to show you one of the best parts. Everyone tell me your favorite thing to eat and I’ll make it for you.”

“Anything?” James asked hopefully.

“No alcohol.” Phylis deadpanned before smiling and adding, “Anything you are allowed to eat on the outside I can make you in here.”

“Why not?” James whined. “It’s just a game. I’ve gotten drunk in other games before.”

“Sorry,” Phylis replied. “It’s the law.”

Ranker rubbed his chin. “Can you get drunk in this game? Kendra, have you tried it?”

While I had consumed some of Theresa’s Wicked Red, I had never gone so far as to get drunk. Phylis saved me by answering, “If you consume enough alcohol, you will become intoxicated, though I cannot confirm it will match your experience on the outside.”

Tygris waved Ranker off and said, “I don’t care about that. Give me some sushi.”

Syren giggled and said, “Pizza for me. I love pizza.”

James got into the spirit and said, “I’ll take a T-bone steak. The biggest one you got. Call it the Flintstone cut!”

 


 

The next thing I knew, we had a buffet of food on our table. Phylis stretched it when the food arrived, making the interior of her diner look bigger than it did on the outside.

After sampling several different types of sushi, Tygris announced, “This has to be the best food I’ve ever eaten in my life. I’m not sure I’m ever going to go kill a single monster if I can come I here and eat every day.”

“That’s because it’s S Ranked food,” I explained, stealing a piece of sushi. “Lower ranked food isn’t nearly as good. That’s why I brought you here.”

James, who had nearly polished off his plate, spoke through a mouth full of food. “You don’t get stuffed, either. I just ate the whole thing and don’t feel full at all.”

As we enjoyed the meal, I idly wondered if Theresa had decided to Livestream our group. Then I remembered the restroom. “Oh, Syren. I should probably mention that the restrooms aren’t soundproof.”

Syren quietly chewed on her food, holding up a finger for me to wait for her to finish. Then she turned bright red and started choking on her food as she realized what I meant. Spitting out a half-chewed meatball, she screamed, “Wait, you heard me when Ranker and I were…”

Anna giggled and replied, “Yeah. You were loud. Just like the videos from the internet.”

Syren spluttered while everyone else stared at the dragonling. Ranker turned his attention to me and asked, “Did this NPC just say she goes on the internet?”

I nodded. “You don’t want to know half of what she’s seen.”

 


 

After everyone seemed to have their fill, I asked, “So, what do you guys want to do next? Shall we go try some combat?”

Ranker shook his head. “No! I want to finish what I started with my wife. Can you find out about the hotel thing?”

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About the author

Kos

  • Homestead
  • Kos Play

Bio: A rookie author who wants to tell you about adventures in another world.

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