Deleted Story

Deleted Story

by Xantar

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Sexual Content

This story is no longer available on Royalroad. Please enjoy an updated version on webnovel :)

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Author
Xantar

Xantar

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Zombie Unicorne
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

It's a great story and deserving of attention.

Warning: I think that the author's warning isn’t strong enough for the content he is putting out. There is very dark content,  so do be warned.

 

This story contains sexual violence and it’s very explicit. So do keep that in mind when going into this.

 

The story is amazing and do check it out if you have the stomach for it. You won’t regret it. Also, credit to the author for being able to pull out content of great quality at such a fast pace. So, please keep it up.

Also, this is a great story that surely stand out from most of it’s peers here in RRl

 

Now personal Opinion/thoughts about this fic.

 

Spoilers bellow……………………

 

The story is going at a great pace, not to fast and not that slow to make readers disengage to boredom. Majority of the chapters has been great and majority been used up for character buildup and exploration of the system, that and plainly surviving. I also love how the RPG mechanics in this story is portrayed. It’s not omnipotent,all powerful and perfect like those other stories here in RRL. The system has flaws, and that could be abused and exploited and it’s encouraged. Found a money glitch? then Glitch away motherfucker. Just like any game, the system has flaws in it’s design like every rpg games out there and I like that.

 

First off, the Characters are rather underdeveloped and should only be judged where they fit in the current context available so far. The character may be lacking to some people so far but do know that they have huge amount of room to develop and potential to be even more “intriguing”

 

The Characters has been great and deep, especially the two main characters that is Zander(Zan) and Alexis(Alex). These two really complement each other, they are completely opposite of each other despite being best friends. First is Zander, the “Merchant”, this guy, he’snot a goody two shoe, I can tell you that, he would exploit everyone and everything if it would benefit him. With his Overpowered [Charisma] stat he could pretty much make a brainwashed puppet out of any innocent maiden he comes across and he isn’t above such practice if he could get away with it if it could benefit him in any way. He’s a manipulative, cunning, social, charismatic, intelligent fellow that would exploit anyone as long as he could get a pretty penny from them. But as overpowered his [Charisma] is, he’s not really great at direct combat so that balances out really well. Also, he’s uncaring, level over 9000. He watched a girl get raped and was contemplating the whole time whether he would profit from the scenario. Just savage! He only thinks of the pros/cons and profit, a true individualist. It hasn’t been explained much why he’s the way he is but there are hints of it why, here in there but nothing conclusive, can’t wait to find out more. Also, what I find the most interesting is obsessive attraction to his own sister, how did he form such attachments and how did that obsession form is what I find the most intriguing. Can’t wait how this effect the dynamic of the story.

And the other fellow of the other side of the coin is Alexis(Alex) a fun outgoing guy who in the end just wants to be recognize and be friends with everybody but get’s bullied and verbally abuse all the time. He’s rather kind, and may act immature and perverted but deep inside is a warm fluffy heart who just wants to help everyone and be friends with them but fails because how awkward he is at times. Alex compared to Zan is a genuine good guy. Who would help his fellow man(mainly women) out or anyone who has a pretty face. Also, he’s a Harem dreaming pervert. He wants to make a Harem and believes himself as the MC of the story. LOL.He’s rather socially awkward and come off as a pervert unlike Zan who is smooth as fuck but he is more battle oriented fellow and could kick ass.

A very interesting set of characters, and their struggle is real or feels like it. And also very conflicting personas and can’t wait how their friendship developed in the future. 

 

Style is generic and by the book nothing to complain about. It flows and ebs so that’s good.

 

Grammer, mistakes here and there but taking the frequency of the post, it’s understandable.

 

Not much more to say, if you had’nt yet check this story out then do yourself a favour and go read it right now. But do be warned of very dark content like rape and such.

 

Note: Outdated

My only problem is the very visible “Plot Armor”. Do try to hide it a bit better. Maybe because of the lack of detail of the entire environment and the MC’s enemy’s, it creates the whole situation lacking because of the lack of detail and when the MC do persevere, the impact is lessened because of it. My solution is simply, more detail. Try to integrate the 5 sense into the mix a bit more as well. And it’s also, due to the fact of how calm he is, well he seems calm to me as a reader. “Scary definitely scary”   Isn’t enough. You need to put further clarification of how he is truly feeling and why. Because of the MC acting the way he is, the whole ordeal seems like a walk in the park and there is no sense of urgency and tension. He would talk about his ring and it’s charges but it seems like he is taking it mildly, he would talk about it and never mentioned it again and the readers don’t even know what he thinks of it. “Oh, 5min left, okay” There no tension at all. His thought process is never clarified. It’s in the MC POV so it translate to the narrative. If he’s taking everything as a walk and the park or seems that way because of the lack of detail, then me and readers would see the same. So more detail, would help greatly.

 

As of 2/27/2016. The Plot armor is less visible if not completely transparent and the details have been bolstered tremendously. Now you actually feel the tension, that this isn’t a playground or a RPG power trip. People die when they are killed.(at least for now). Also, the details in the environment has greatly improved, giving the whole place a sense of dredd. Also, the characters thought process has been given great attention adding to the tension they feel.

 

Note:Outdated

Also, the transition between one location to another isn’t smooth at all. He’s like teleporting all over. There also no sense of scale as well. Try to mention the gradual change in the environment as he moves, this way, there is a sense of scale and the sense of time is stimulated as well. You’re way of transition from one  area to another is unsatisfactory, You Mr.author would vaguely tell the location he has passed and would tell the time of how much he has traveled, Leaving readers to figure out how long and how far he really traveled.  So by, describing the gradual change of the environment as he moves, readers would have a better sense of scale and making the transition from one area to another better. Furthermore with this, sense of time is more apparent, with the description of the gradual change, one could sense how much time he really traveled rather than outright telling readers of how long he walked without context. “Show but not tell.”

 

2/27/2016. It’s been pretty much been “show” which is good, also the transition between one area to another has been greatly improved and no more teleporting as far as I could see. I could see the gradual change in the environment and the author implementing the 5 sense as the character moves onto the world, which is great, making the imagery that the main characters are moving in a real desolate world.

 

It’s wide and clear that the author is working his ass off to improve this story and his craft so give credit where credit is due. 

 

Do continue and try to improve.

 

PaulSak
Overall

Loving it and read through it within 3 days

Great story and great characters. The author made great work in developing the characters personality and making them follow through with them.

Nero
Overall

Great story but drives me insane

The story is really well made, the plot so far is well thought.

Really everything is perfect, if only you raised the pace of the story, it's way too slow, too meticulous for my taste.

You can read 3 chapters, which is a lot! And notice that not even a day passed in the story.

Too slow!!!!!

jburge1
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

The writing style is pretty good, and the world created was interesting.  Unfortunately, the characters seem to be written by a creepy 13 year old who's only introduction to sex is porn.  He actually has one of the MCs groping unconscious girls, and trading sexual favors for healing potions.  I have never rooted for a MC to die horribly more than I did this one.

takertoe
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

potential but also mixed feelings

review up to “banks and robbers 6”:

 

style + grammar:

The style is not humorous but after all the author tries to portray a serious post-apocalyptical setting. The grammar is overall decent, so it does not disrupt the reading flow (at least for me). Feeling conflicted about the detailed description of rape though (more below on MC1). 

 

story:

Now down to business: the author really has an interesting take on an apocalyptical story. I was sceptical with the merchant-class, but so far it is an interesting asset. The whole world-building is still in its infancy, but already promises a lot of potential, with access to multiple other worlds under the same rules.

 

characters:

Now for me that is the most important thing in a story. We have two main characters, who both have their weaknesses and strong points:

– We have MC 1: The “dark” type, that only strives to achieve his goal, regardless of the means. He happens to like MC2 (to the extent that he wants to manipulate him according to his plans) and only truly cares about his little sister. Now this guy is detached enough that he doesn’t bat an eye in the light of a rape scene or starving people, he only sees ppl with respect to their “worthness” to his plans. 

–  We have MC 2: The potential “white” hero guy with harem fantasies. Now this guy is set up as a future fighter within the world-system, while trying to get his dick into anything with a vagina (so far only in his imagination).

 

Uff, while it would have been cool to have two MCs that complement each other, MC2 seems just useless so far storywise and his childish behavior feels annoying. Especially since MC1 got some serious fire-power himself as well. I wouldn’t mind that if MC1 on the other hand hadn’t taken the path down to “assholery”, discarding most of his humanity and just being the awesome schemer he thinks he is, who doesn’t really seem to learn from his past failures. So basically he is a disgusting schemer with the fire-power to back it up (if at least he needed ppl so badly to succeed, it might have still been interesting). So my current sentiment right now is:

– author is badass for keeping up such a high release-speed

– storywise it feels like watching your beautiful neighbor chic u had a secret crush on descending into heavy drugs – fascinating but sad. While I could live with MC2 being an annoying side-kick, MC1 shitty behavior and priorities just kills it. 

 

Gingi71
Overall

mixed feelings ...(update)

Sigh .... such a good start .. but the way the story is going .... the MC is brain dead most of the time , and so much pervert thinks for no real reason... is a apocalyptic scenario that they don,t take seriously ... the setting of the story was good for the first chapter ... but is losing his light really fast .

Morraren
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

 Style: While it is easy to follow the story, the multiple perspectives ruin it in a way. The multiple perspective allows you to see the events of the story in another angle but i personally think they are too long. We get to see a lot from Zanders point f view but some other characters (like Alex) have entire arcs for themselves. I find that to be negative rather than positive. Other than that, the surroundings are painted in a fairly god way but at times, it might be lacking. Other than that, from, "GM" it feels like the longer we reach into the story, the more obvious the exposition dumps become and the more tedious it is to read them. They were well written a first though, being both interesting while feeling natural. If there is something else though, it would be that the tag, "Crossover" does not suit the fiction. Crossover, i believe, means creating a work by mixing two or more previous work already in existence. It does not mean having multiple perspectives.

 

Story: The story is original and a gem in the beginning. With potential it introduces a merchant occupation for the main lead, something i have not seen before. We are given the usual apocalyptic world with several twists which were enjoyabe to read. However the originality of the story appears to decrease over time. The rape scenes are all too common to mention one. I would understand as it is an apocalyptic world and rape might be a common way to escape it. However, most of the rape scenes feel exactly the same and the language the rapists use seems to apply to all of them. Adding at that, a lot of the rape scenes started before the apocalypse making it hard to believe that the main character succeeds in coming across so many of them.

    The system, "Zenith"  is interesting though, inviting both mystery and some depth along with the global market. Had it not been for the exposition dumps though, it might have been more enjoyable to read about them. It is quite original in a lot of ways, be it the rpg style point system (i have yet to read another work with that in it) or the fact that they actually use cheats when possible. Not going the long way around it most of the time.

    As i said before though, it is repetitive. The main character trying to progress in the new world, eventually coming across a girl with some rapist backstory and decides to help her, abandoning her soon after. With the amount this happens, it is almost suiting for this story to have a harem tag.

 

Grammar: The grammar is understandable but faulty at times, both with spelling and the construction of sentences. The language is not advanced but as there are a lot of works ot there with far worse grammar, i feel forced to raise the star on this fiction by one.

 

Characters: The main character, "Zander" has the usual motivation of protecting his sister but the unusual trait of not trusting anyone and sticking to it while at the same time being greedy. He does bend his character at times though when saving females in the story. In the bank scene for example, it would have been a better move, economically, to kill them of without giving them teleportation scrolls, which goes against his greedy nature. His luck stat, when meeting the first girl, seems to be a streak of bad luck rather than good luck. Sure he learnt new abilities but she was a burden. This happened repeatedly, which is why I'm complaining about it.

    Alex is your usual hero in shiny armor. He is predictable and slowly growing more op, gaining girls in the path he walks. Had more of them died, it would have been understandable. Yet he seems to be growing a harem in an apocalyptic world where he has enough trouble keeping himself alive.

    Most of the girls are alike in the story, appearing bad at first with a rapists backstory, the main character proclaiming he doesnt care about them and that they should trust him (the manipulation is lacking), It i starting to take a predictable turn.

 

Hoped: I sincerely hope that this work will return to the brilliance it had in the beginning. At this predictable rate, it seems to be turning into coal from a gem.

opReader
Overall

The story is great but the protagonist can be a bit stupid sometimes sometimes you gotta think with emotions and not just your brain

sedit
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Awesome, please continue with the good work

The story is amazing, i can only hope that you continue doing such a good job. 

Also i see some people that are complaining about the story being dark and everything, but let’s be honest, in a post apocaliptic  scenario, this is inevitable. And about the fact that he is abusing the girls and such, man, he has to found a use for any people that he discovers, or else he  would simply have a lot of people that depends on him, but that are useless. I’m not saying that he has to abuse everything that he sees but he has to have an excuse to save someone, even more now, that the food problem hasn’t been completely solved yet.

Without mentioning if you put yourselves in the girls perspective: He is the only one that appears to be able to provide food, shelter and protection. Of course they will try anything in order to not be abandoned by him.

It’s not that surprising that some of them would practically sell their bodies in order to get some points with him.

Rrett
Overall

Im a really hard one to please, especially on RRL. So take my word on it when I say this is a fairly decent story. 

 

Not much happens at all and the pacing is really slow, but it doesn't feel like it at all untill you check how much you read and find the stories timeline has hardly progressed. 

 

There are a fairly large amount of mistakes grammar wise, but simple editing would easily fix that. There not so bad either. Well in the beginning it's a lot worse.

 

Highly recommend this story.