Galondé Online

Galondé Online

by DoopDudes

The long awaited Nest VR system, a revolutionary gaming experience, is releasing with a single game, Galondé Online. While the Nest promises all senses and the most realistic VR experience, little is known about it, or the MMORPG launching with it. One young man logs into the game to play with his friend, only to be randomly selected to test out a beta version of the game, along with a few thousand other people. The game is fun and exciting, but before long, the players realize there is one big problem with the game. They can't log out.


Low levels of Profanity (PG-13)

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DoopDudes

DoopDudes

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Good Ideas - Issues with execution

Reviewed at: Chapter 8: Forest Fishing

The IDEA IS GOOD. The concept is similar to Sword Art Online (SAO) and Log Horizon. 

The main issue is execution of the story. Moreover, due to the idea being so well-known very good execution is the key to get people to read.

I like your characters. I like your knowledge of fantasy lore e.g. kobolds are not commonly used across the fantasy genre, but are well-known and I like your use. I like that Lucas chose his paticular type of avatar (lol no spoilers).

Some of my issues with the story are listed in the spoiler section below. I didn't write them all as there's way too many so I just took a few from the first chapter.

These type of trends continue throughout the book:

Word selection e.g. 'glared at the brown bag' lol no one glares at a bag, you might 'glance' at it then revel in your anger at who put it there but the actual 'glaring' seems odd

Certain parts don't matter and placement is odd e.g. 'Of course, his best friend, who still had a key to the apartment after moving out, would leave something for him to trip on right at the front door. He pushed his frustration away and continued reading.'

When you start reading the letter, you shouldn't randomly switch back to the bag, in reallity some people may do that, but in a book it just annoys the reader.

MMO - spell out the word the first time so we know what you're referring to thereafter but most gamers get it ;)

When you're alone you normally think rather than talk aloud so you could reword to say what Lucas decided to do rather than him saying it aloud which seems odd. e.g. “Better get this set up, I guess.”

There's others but I'm sure you'll figure it out. Check out "Mother of Learning" as I suggested before. The author's writing technique should give you an idea of what you should be going for and I think you'd love the story.

 

P.S. I'll update my review as the book continues.