Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content
  • Traumatising content

It has been fifteen years since Thael left the Wraith Order, one of legend of the Arcadian Empire only spoken in whispers. His self exile is interrupted by his past when he finds one of his fellow Wraiths, Verena, in his home. The Prince of the Arch King has been taken from the capital itself by rebel Wraiths, and they would need the mortal man who made the impossible possible to rescue the Prince before he is sacrificed for the Prophecy of the Black Sun, where it is foretold the spilling of royal blood would allow mortalborn to reach Magehood.

For fans of Grimdark Fantasies such as authors John Gwynne, Mark Lawrence and Joe Abercrombie!

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
  • Total Views :
  • 5,858
  • Average Views :
  • 122
  • Followers :
  • 26
  • Favorites :
  • 6
  • Ratings :
  • 6
  • Pages :
  • 269
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Fiction breaking rules? Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Lewis Aldanis

Lewis Aldanis

Lewis Aldanis

Achievements
40 Review Upvote
35 Comments
Fledgling Reviewer (V)
2nd Anniversary
Word Count (12)
100 Followers
10,000 Views
Top List #1500
Advertisement
Remove
Table of Contents
48 Chapters
Chapter Name Release Date
Prologue ago
Chapter One – The Man up the Mountain ago
Chapter Two – Introductions ago
Thirty-four years ago – Wraithhood ago
Thirty-four years ago – Magehood ago
Thirty-four years ago – First Mission ago
Thirty-three years ago – Commander ago
Thirty-three years ago – The Grey Council ago
Thirty-three years ago – Spirit ago
Thirty-three years ago – Afterthought ago
Thirty years ago – We must Endure ago
Chapter Three – Contact ago
Chapter Four – The Midden ago
Chapter Five – Belly of the Beast ago
Chapter Six – Mission ago
Chapter Seven – Hostage ago
Chapter Eight – Escape ago
Chapter Nine – Vision ago
Chapter Ten – Awakening ago
Chapter Eleven – Revelations ago
Chapter Twelve – Harmony ago
Chapter Thirteen – Truth ago
Thirty years ago – The Great Cleansing ago
Thirty years ago – Journey ago
Thirty Years Ago – Vinnith ago
Thirty years ago – Accord ago
Thirty years ago – Haol ago
Thirty years ago – Sentiment ago
Thirty years ago – Rapture and Rage ago
Thirty years ago – Waiting, Mulling ago
Thirty years ago – To Safe Harbor ago
Thirty years ago – Planning ago
Twenty nine years ago – Finality ago
Twenty nine years ago – The Second Reunification ago
Twenty nine years ago – Freed ago
Chapter Fourteen – Respite ago
Twenty nine years ago – Iniation ago
Twenty nine years ago – Burial ago
Sixteen years ago – Reunion ago
Chapter Fifteen- Dawn ago
Chapter Sixteen – Sacrilege ago
Chapter Seventeen - Return ago
Chapter Eighteen- Black Sun ago
Chapter Nineteen- Sacrifice ago
Chapter Twenty – Flight ago
Chapter Twenty-one – Last Rite ago
Chapter Twenty-two – Ascension ago
Epilogue ago

Leave a review

Reviews
Sort by:
Truecinder
Overall

I've read the prologue, first, and beginning of second chapter so far and honestly I'm pretty lost. Aside from what was explained in the synopsis and somewhat in the prologue, I have no clue what is happening, who are these people, what are there relations. 

Your story is very detailed in its descriptions of characters and actions as it seems things are explained in 3rd person, but lack enough clarity for me to paint a decent picture.The setting in the prologue when you explained the shadow in the tent, I pictured a campsite, a usual place where a tent would be. But in reality they were in a marketplace of sorts with assassins killing not only his guard, but town guards, just to capture him(Sorry if I misunderstood)?

Chapter 1 we're introduced to our protagonist who is sort of a bad ass, but feels hallow..? He feels like a guy who doesn't care about anyone but in a disgruntled manner still subjects to his duties, and if I hit the nail on the head there thats a problem.

The writing from the beginning moves from slow to fast. Loaded descriptions, quick dialogue, back to loaded descriptions. This flow can get tiring very quickly, because a story is supposed to be about characters and the world built around the characters interactions with it. Description should paint enough of a picture for your reader to visualize it, but try not to overdo it. Leave some for the imagination.

Lastly, the beginning of chapter 2 and where I stopped. When Theal asks Verena about Craft and how it can move them down, only for her to explain why they can't use it all the time followed by stating "Those were the days" implies that Thael knows about all of this already. So why would she be telling him? Followed by a exposition paragraph explaining her powers and what they can do, rather than show us later what she can do for a more satisfying introduction to Craft.

Overall, what you're trying to do seems like it may be a pretty cool idea. However, the execution makes it difficult to comprehend and hard to follow. It's something I myself did in past writing and what I did to fix it was to place myself in the readers shoes. They don't know as much as you know about things so you want to paint a clear picture for the happenings of the world. Also you want things to make sense. If both people know what Craft is and how it's used, one should not explain to other how it's used. It comes off very forced.

I will keep a lookout for future chapters as I want to see where you take this story and will update my review as it goes. Good luck!

Acusiont
Overall

A good story but needs some refinement

Reviewed at: Thirty-four years ago – First Mission

Overall, this story has lots of potential. Where it struggles is that, through chapter 2 at least, it gets lost in itself sometimes.

The writing itself is good. Grammar mistakes are few and far between. Some misplaced punctuation at times, but not nearly enough to detract from the enjoyment of the story. The author does have an extensive vocabulary, and I didn’t find repetition to be much of an issue, if at all.

The prologue is interesting. I wanted to know more about what was happening, who these people were, what they were doing, etc. The pacing was okay, not good, not bad, during this, and it felt like some parts that should’ve been faster paced were slowed down by some heavy handed descriptions (which, for me, is one of the two major sore points in the story I’ve read so far. I’ll get to the other in a moment). One part in particular is where Arrin is running past the merchants. He’s being chased by people who apparently want to kill him, but he takes the time to notice what languages they merchants are shouting in? It just seems unnecessary and could easily be replaced by something saying basically different languages. There doesn’t really seem to be a need to name each one. There were also other times, however, that felt like they were just glossed over and didn’t have enough description. I was left wanting more to really bring me into the story.

The other major sore point for me was the flow of information. There is a lot of information thrown at the reader at once at times. People, places, events, all in rapid succession, not very many with direct explanations. I would try to split some of this up and insert it as it becomes necessary to the story. This includes the “Craft” mentioned at the beginning of Chapter 2. Instead of telling the reader what Verena’s Craft is, show us later and how it works. What also confused me a little here is how a Conduit relates to the Craft. It’s said that her Conduit is sunlight, but her Craft is… the wind? It just doesn’t make sense to me at the moment. It may later, but not now. Also concerning the exposition is that all of these names of people and places are given to the reader, then it goes right into a flashback. All of that build up of information is just suddenly severed, and there’s no real time for the reader to retain it, giving them at least three chapters (that are posted as of this review) to forget who those people are and have to go back and remind themselves who each was. Not to mention having new characters and places to remember with the flashbacks.

All that said, this story is interesting. I want to know more about this world and how it works and how all these people interact with it and each other. It’s not bad by any means. It just could do with some editing and refinement. The sand is in the sandbox, it just needs to be turned into castles. I definitely will come back to see where it goes.

Razzmatazz
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

“Kingmaker,” is a dark fantasy-action-intrigue story about Thael, a now retired member of the Wraiths, a ‘cloak and dagger’ organization that serves the Arcadian Empire. Thael is rather suddenly pulled out of retirement for ‘one last job’, after the prince of the empire is kidnapped for nefarious purposes and hidden away in the city of Dres Laneith.

Thael is very much a grizzled veteran who just kind of wants to live out the last of his life on the mountain he has retreated to after ‘getting out. The story has an interesting magic system if you’re interested in magic-mechanics like that. As a reader, I wouldc certainly like to see Thael more fleshed out, right now he seems a little too archetypical.

The writing holds up pretty well and the story seems to have gotten multiple checks after the reviews here have been posted, as I didn’t find much of anything that was out of place. The chapters have a good length and the prose has a smooth enough flow. Scenery and world-building are strong suits of the author, especially chapter one, which offers a really strong hook right from the start.

Things got darker than I expected in the ‘flashback’ chapters and I feel like there wasn’t much warning. It all kind of made me a bit icky, but it’s a story and sometimes stories have to do exactly that, so, fair game.

All in all, if you are looking for a more grounded, dark-fantasy story, then please give this one a fair shot! =)

Buller
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Style threw me off a small bit

Reviewed at: Chapter Four – The Midden

Not sure what to call it. Ambiguous? Strenuous? Something else that works just as well as anything I could find on Thesaurus in two minutes? Whatever. It's definitely something that wasn't what I was used to. Would I call that bad? No. Would I call it different? Yes. 

On to the actual review.

Style:

Don't feel I need to make any additions to the above here. The style of the story is something that the average reader might be confused by at the start. Hits different after a while, requiring one to shift their perspective a little. Maybe it's the sentence structuring? I don't really know. But, I enjoyed it nonetheless and will be giving a 5/5 for it.

Story:

With in-depth with this one. While I can't say that complexity goes down to the levels of GoT, I can certainly think of this story as having some thought put into it. And while I might not have gotten too far into the heat of things, I can certainly say I liked where things were going. Another 5/5 for that.

Grammar:

... Yeah, there are a few mistakes. It's not to the point where the pitchforks need to be taken out of the garage, but it's certainly enough that I noticed halfway through. Minor ones, sure, but errors nonetheless. 4.5/5

Character:

Suffers from the same thing as style. It's ambiguous. I couldn't get into the characters in the same way that I normally could. I get that we get a scene describing how somebody's tears dry out before they fall into the darkness of sleep, yet I just feel like they're stoic most of the time around that. Could be that I'm just the outlier on that opinion but whatever. 4/5.

Overall a okay read. 4.5/5

Owlish
Overall

Interesting, but a little too grimdark for me

Reviewed at: Thirty years ago – We must Endure

Reasonably well written, grammar is fine. Cool worldbuilding. Kind of interesting characters. And lots of character building, we're clearly going to see how they got to their present state, through flashbacks. 

The problem is, I don't care about anyone we've been introduced to. I kind of wonder, if the main character had been older or more experienced when he became the head of a squad, if things would have been different. And I wonder, given what we know about how mages are created, what would happen if the cultists sacrifice the prince? But, eh, sorry. Not enough of a hook to keep me going.

Edited for: BTW, believe the story tags.