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As he untied the bonds around his ankles, fear and anxiety were soon replaced with an indignant rage. Jensens don’t go out this way! He slowly and quietly got himself into a crouching position while his green-skinned foe had his back turned, once again paying attention to his claw-like fingernails. It took but a moment to find his other dagger, resting in a pile of other detritus a few feet behind the cruel beast.

Moving with a purpose, he began sneaking toward the instrument of his salvation. He cast analyze under his breath to see what he was up against.

Name: Dingesklys. Race: Goblin. Level 4 Scout. Hit Points: 21/24. Spell Points: 0/0.

Egad! Another non-base class! What gives, Alexa?! He continued creeping closer. Twenty feet. Fifteen feet. Ten Feet. Five. Almost there. Stay focused! Jack froze as the goblin suddenly inhaled sharply, looking as if to yell an alarm. No! No! No! No! No!

“ASchnewaquuuassstchhhh!!!!” The goblin let out a thunderous sneeze and expelled an impressive amount of mucous onto the hand he had spent so much time cleaning, and then began licking it off, his long lizard-like tongue making short work of the snot.

Only sparing a moment to be revolted, then relieved, Jack knew this may be his last, best chance. Hoping this was the distraction he needed and praying it wasn’t the distraction he deserved, he picked up his pace, planning on accelerating toward the unattended weapon, picking it up in one fluid motion and then using his forward momentum to finish the scout off with an epic backstab. Jason Borne, meet Jack Jensen! He thought he could hear his 5th grade basketball coach Mr. Nordell yelling at him as he tried for the sixth time to make a free throw. Actualize it, then realize it! Stepping forward to execute his plan, he overlooked one crucial item. He was not, in fact, Jason Borne. He also wasn’t Jason Momoa. He wasn’t even Jason Bateman. As he moved toward his dagger, his right leg slipped on something squishy and he lost his balance, sending him wheeling into the goblin scout, landing squarely on top of his surprised face. Trying to salvage the situation, he leaned his head back and then rammed it forward, intent on shattering the long, broad nose of the ugly goblin. However, whether due to skill or luck, the goblin’s head slumped forward so that Jack connected with the crown of the goblin’s skull instead, shattering Jack’s nose.

Tears sprang up in Jack’s eyes as he continued to fight on, his brother and the entire world counting on him. Through water-filled, stinging vision, he reached out with his hands until he found the goblin’s skinny throat and squeezed for all he was worth. Unfortunately, while his strength back on earth was good enough to squeeze the cheese whiz onto his crackers, it was not enough to squeeze the life out of the muscled goblin. His worth, as it turned out, was about tree-fiddy. The goblin, realizing this, began a slow, wheezy laugh as he brought his own hands up and contemptuously knocked Jack’s hands away from his throat while simultaneously bringing his feet to Jack’s chest and kicking him hard at center mass.

Jack flew away from the goblin, slamming hard onto the cavernous floor, sliding a few feet on what Jack had to assume was blood. But Jack wasn’t out of the fight. Now don’t you go puttin’ a fork in me, cause I ain’t done yet!

As he finished this thought, Dingesklys threw Jack’s own dagger toward him in a practiced, overhand motion. More luck than skill, Jack flailed a bit, the dagger just barely grazing his rotund stomach. Hah, that didn’t even hurt! He slowly got to his feet as the goblin, now with his own dagger in hand, began moving toward him, a malicious grin on his face. Check that, there’s the pain!

He spat a few words in what Jack assumed was goblin, clearly an insult of some kind, and then seeing that Jack did not comprehend, made a motion with his hands that made it clear to Jack what the goblin was going to do him after they finished the fight. Deciding he would rather go out fighting, Jack closed the last few feet between the goblin and him and lunged at the creature, grabbing him around the torso and slamming him to the ground.

“Gotcha!” Jack shouted in elation, as he began to rain blows down on the goblins unprotected face. Noticing the goblin’s wicked smile, he looked down to see the creatures dagger sticking out of his stomach. Jack’s blows weakened as the blood began to flow out of his wound.

“I may be fat, but I’m not a lady and I’m definitely not singing!” Jack whispered defiantly, still attempting to finish off the malevolent goblin, his blows noticeably slowing down. The goblin was done with the games, pulling his dagger out of Jack’s body and plunging it in over and over until Jack, the Chosen of Earth, was dead.

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