Rift123 @Rift123 3 years ago

u posting any more chapters

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ClearMadness @ClearMadness 3 years ago

01/12/2015 22:21:18Rift123 Wrote: [ -> ]u posting any more chapters

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SkullCrusher @SkullCrusher 3 years ago

Thanks for the chapter

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Enferno @Enferno 3 years ago

I have to say, I had bit of a trouble reading this to start. That's my own issue, seeing as my brain instinctively doesn't project hopes onto stories as well as it being in search mode grammar wise.

With that said, I'm actually quite surprised at the quality of the story. The hook, specially for a prologue, was oddly pulling.
A person out in the snow and cold going somewhere. At this point, several thoughts pulled me to get a question answered.

No sane person goes out to travel in cold and snow if they not have to, so it must be quite important. What is this important thing that this person must do or get?

But wait, what if they are NOT sane? what if they do this just for fun? What is there reason for doing this then?

These questions are the pull that got me to read the rest of the prologue. I must have my answer.

Of course, the answer to my question ends relatively quickly. It pulled me in just enough to want to see where the story was heading though.

Kudos for that.

I have not 'read' chapter 1, but it seems you time skipped 'Many years later' from prologue.

Just my thoughts, but it feels slightly jarring to read about snow and cold with a mutant drake terrorizing the town/settlement and then shift to a goblin's perspective in chapter 1. I'm guessing you are going to combine/connect the dots later on, but the shift feels odd if they don't have even a tiny bit of immediate relevance to your first chapter.

Especially when the prologue feels like it has a good hook compared to the hook of chapter 1.

Waking up anywhere feels bland. Odds are a reader will get a bunch of information from a person waking up in a story and that info usually doesn't feel like it was presented in a way that flows naturally to the reader.

I'll have to give this story more of my time to make a decision if I like it enough to read all of it.

The MC not being a human is a good enough pull.

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ClearMadness @ClearMadness 3 years ago

19/01/2016 03:15:04Enferno Wrote: [ -> ]I have to say, I had bit of a trouble reading this to start. That's my own issue, seeing as my brain instinctively doesn't project hopes onto stories as well as it being in search mode grammar wise.

With that said, I'm actually quite surprised at the quality of the story. The hook, specially for a prologue, was oddly pulling.
A person out in the snow and cold going somewhere. At this point, several thoughts pulled me to get a question answered.

No sane person goes out to travel in cold and snow if they not have to, so it must be quite important. What is this important thing that this person must do or get?

But wait, what if they are NOT sane? what if they do this just for fun? What is there reason for doing this then?

These questions are the pull that got me to read the rest of the prologue. I must have my answer.

Of course, the answer to my question ends relatively quickly. It pulled me in just enough to want to see where the story was heading though.

Kudos for that.

I have not 'read' chapter 1, but it seems you time skipped 'Many years later' from prologue.

Just my thoughts, but it feels slightly jarring to read about snow and cold with a mutant drake terrorizing the town/settlement and then shift to a goblin's perspective in chapter 1. I'm guessing you are going to combine/connect the dots later on, but the shift feels odd if they don't have even a tiny bit of immediate relevance to your first chapter.

Especially when the prologue feels like it has a good hook compared to the hook of chapter 1.

Waking up anywhere feels bland. Odds are a reader will get a bunch of information from a person waking up in a story and that info usually doesn't feel like it was presented in a way that flows naturally to the reader.

I'll have to give this story more of my time to make a decision if I like it enough to read all of it.

The MC not being a human is a good enough pull.

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Myroleran @Myroleran 3 years ago

This is now my drug of choice

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Manic_design @Manic_design 3 years ago

"Most the inhabitants of the city had" I see a missing word here, just wanted to tell you since I like the story.

", he had get his father to safety." - found another one

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ClearMadness @ClearMadness 3 years ago

26/01/2016 20:59:57 Wrote: [ -> ]"Most the inhabitants of the city had" I see a missing word here, just wanted to tell you since I like the story.

", he had get his father to safety." - found another one

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cerethor @cerethor 3 years ago

Looks good so far, I'm planning on burning through your chapters pretty soon. Always nice to see a well written series come to RRL.

I do have some (hopefully constructive) feedback:

• Too many adjectives. The writing feels more descriptive than necessary in parts, especially around action. Caveat: it stands out way more on RRL because most fictions here suffer from the opposite problem.


• Aside from the adjectives, the pacing feels a bit off? The sentences are very evenly grouped. Makes reading feel a bit languid.


• The dialogue and internal monologue feels a bit unnatural . Especially the exposition, you're way more natural with it than most RRL authors, but it stands out in dialogue. "Every real Coroulian can take a little ice and snow. Otherwise they would have moved south or back across the ocean to the Homelands'", no one would expound on what a 'real Coroulian' would be; because it assumes it's a cultural value; they'd be more likely to just imply that they are a 'real Coroulian' in response to a question about the cold.  "I'm a proper Coroulian after all'" kind of feel instead.
  I'm getting on a bit of tangent, but my main point is that you are probably putting too much thought into your dialogue, to explain circumstances and doing a bit too much exposition.


• Considering the effort you are putting into your work, I'm guessing you might be considering eventually turning this into a book. If that's true I understand wanting to keep weird formatting out, but if that's not the case since it's the web I'd suggest you explore the medium a bit. You can play with styling, font, spacing and especially on RRL you can basically do crazy things to make dialogue stand out that most editors would never allow.
  

19/01/2016 05:03:49ClearMadness Wrote: [ -> ]I'm glad you like it so far. Ya, the transition from the prologue to chapter 1 is a bit jarring. I'll have to think about it.

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ClearMadness @ClearMadness 3 years ago

08/02/2016 05:28:31cerethor Wrote: [ -> ]Looks good so far, I'm planning on burning through your chapters pretty soon. Always nice to see a well written series come to RRL.

I do have some (hopefully constructive) feedback:

• Too many adjectives. The writing feels more descriptive than necessary in parts, especially around action. Caveat: it stands out way more on RRL because most fictions here suffer from the opposite problem.


• Aside from the adjectives, the pacing feels a bit off? The sentences are very evenly grouped. Makes reading feel a bit languid.


• The dialogue and internal monologue feels a bit unnatural . Especially the exposition, you're way more natural with it than most RRL authors, but it stands out in dialogue. "Every real Coroulian can take a little ice and snow. Otherwise they would have moved south or back across the ocean to the Homelands'", no one would expound on what a 'real Coroulian' would be; because it assumes it's a cultural value; they'd be more likely to just imply that they are a 'real Coroulian' in response to a question about the cold.  "I'm a proper Coroulian after all'" kind of feel instead.
  I'm getting on a bit of tangent, but my main point is that you are probably putting too much thought into your dialogue, to explain circumstances and doing a bit too much exposition.


• Considering the effort you are putting into your work, I'm guessing you might be considering eventually turning this into a book. If that's true I understand wanting to keep weird formatting out, but if that's not the case since it's the web I'd suggest you explore the medium a bit. You can play with styling, font, spacing and especially on RRL you can basically do crazy things to make dialogue stand out that most editors would never allow.
  

19/01/2016 05:03:49ClearMadness Wrote: [ -> ]I'm glad you like it so far. Ya, the transition from the prologue to chapter 1 is a bit jarring. I'll have to think about it.

I agree that it's jarring. You might consider inserting something like '5 years before the story begins' at the beginning of the prologue. You could also close the chapter with a bit more finality  'Jarrack would remember this day for the years to come'.

All my nitpicking aside, I really like the feel and overall quality so far (I've skimmed later chapters), so I'm only pointing things out that takes this from great to awesome in my eyes.

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